George Clooney Lost His Virginity To A Rope
Her: “We’re going to be together forever…”
Him: “Shit, I forgot to write her name on hand. Be cool…”
In a new interview with Rolling Stone, George Clooney – And there goes the red states… – opens up about his awkward early adventures in the world of sex and how it molded him into the precision skirt-chaser he is today:
Clooney reveals that that while he lost his virginity at the age of 16 (“young, very young, too young”), he had his first orgasm when he was much younger. “I believe it was while climbing a rope when I was six or seven years old,” he says. “I mean, nothing came out, but all the other elements were there. I remember getting to the top of the rope, hanging off the rope, and going, “Oh, my God, this feels great!”
So Jerry Sandusky also used to disguise himself as a rope in elementary school gyms, good to know. On that note, you’ll be happy to know that George Clooney shares a deep love for dick jokes making the two of us practically twins with him being the slightly less handsome one of course:
For example, the word “Johnson” always makes him laugh. “Always. ‘He showed her his Johnson and she left.’ You can actually say that in mixed company or on late-night TV.” He’s also pretty fond of farts, especially when hanging out with his pals. “We think it’s one of the funniest things in the history of mankind. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word ‘fart’ makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there’s nothing funnier.”
Oh, come now, George. Surely farts can’t be funnier than getting down on one knee with a ring box in hand only to go, “Ha! Just kidding, it’s empty. Anal?” and getting away with it because you’re George Clooney. Then again, I’m assuming that doesn’t get old after the fifth cocktail waitress. My world is a sea of ignorance.