George Clooney Lost His Virginity To A Rope

November 9th, 2011 // 49 Comments

Her: “We’re going to be together forever…”
Him: “Shit, I forgot to write her name on hand. Be cool…”

In a new interview with Rolling Stone, George Clooney – And there goes the red states… – opens up about his awkward early adventures in the world of sex and how it molded him into the precision skirt-chaser he is today:

Clooney reveals that that while he lost his virginity at the age of 16 (“young, very young, too young”), he had his first orgasm when he was much younger. “I believe it was while climbing a rope when I was six or seven years old,” he says. “I mean, nothing came out, but all the other elements were there. I remember getting to the top of the rope, hanging off the rope, and going, “Oh, my God, this feels great!”

So Jerry Sandusky also used to disguise himself as a rope in elementary school gyms, good to know. On that note, you’ll be happy to know that George Clooney shares a deep love for dick jokes making the two of us practically twins with him being the slightly less handsome one of course:

For example, the word “Johnson” always makes him laugh. “Always. ‘He showed her his Johnson and she left.’ You can actually say that in mixed company or on late-night TV.” He’s also pretty fond of farts, especially when hanging out with his pals. “We think it’s one of the funniest things in the history of mankind. Even the idea of a fart makes me laugh. Saying the word ‘fart’ makes me laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I have remote whoopee cushions. Farts. To me, there’s nothing funnier.”

Oh, come now, George. Surely farts can’t be funnier than getting down on one knee with a ring box in hand only to go, “Ha! Just kidding, it’s empty. Anal?” and getting away with it because you’re George Clooney. Then again, I’m assuming that doesn’t get old after the fifth cocktail waitress. My world is a sea of ignorance.

Photos: Getty, INFdaily, Splash News

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  1. Bonky

    Why do celebrities always share this disgusting stuff with us ? Is it that they think it makes them more “human” ? Too much info George.

    • Dan

      Agreed.

      Not that I think it is disgusting really. I just don’t want to know this.

    • cc

      +1 – self-revelatory crap like this is way more offputting than these people realize. What’s next? I remember the first time I had a huge whitehead…

    • Tinklepants Astronaut

      Yep, that George is just one of the boys! He’s the 1%-er you can like, because his low-brow sense of humor proves he’s just like us common folk, despite being grotesquely over-paid and over-privileged for what he contributes to society. Sure, you are farting because you can only afford the dollar menu at Taco Bell, while he’s farting for strategic Illuminati self-deprecation, but either way, dem farts is funny! Toot!

  2. MooseKnuckle

    The rope should have been around his neck…

    • gumption

      agreed. He is a great actor and does some very cool films like “Syriana”, but he should have kept this stuff to himself. NO ONE wants to know about ropes and clooney or passing gas. Really vomit inducing information

  3. Ruth

    Fish, you’re amazing. How you manage to write these day in/day out is mind blowing.

  4. sexybrains

    He must make her wear flats. She’s a giant but looks only an inch or two taller than him in these pix.

  5. Poop head

    I thought that said “Pope.”

  6. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    mr. majestic
    Commented on this photo:

    at a boy George. you’ve got one with long legs and shapely too. i remember seeing her on dancing with the stars. great pair of legs and booty. do her good George, then throw her to the way side, and grab another.

  7. catapostrophe

    I like it when homosexual Hollywood stars have endeavor to create ornate, inordinately documented fake relationships with lesser stars to make the former party seem like a dreamy ladies man and the latter party seem worth anybody’s time.

  8. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hahaha, that’s soooo funny, George…”

    “Jesus you’re a psycho. I asked where the bathroom was….(points)YOU, get this bitch away from me!”

  9. Garth: “She makes me feel kinda funny… like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.”

  10. Satan's bitch

    Look at him, he’s already tired of looking at that face. She’s definitely a short-timer. Soon as he gets past this particular junket, she’s getting the boot.

  11. I admit, I’ve thought about it…
    But without a block and tackle, a plain old rope just doesn’t do it for me.

  12. LipSmacker

    He has no upper lip and hers is teeny. How do they kiss?

  13. Jon

    I am the first to comment about Stacey Kiebler?

    I must be the only straight male that reads this website.

  14. SSHGuru

    At least the rope didn’t ask him to get married.

  15. freaky

    Come on, fish. George was born 30 miles up the road from me in a red state. He may be an idiot but he’s OUR idiot.

  16. gumption

    johnson, yes, that is funny. Farts? No, not funny at all, fucking gross. Clooney just rolled off the hot truck for good, I can never get past this. Thanks for making Clooney ugly, you are a clever man blog writer, very clever.

  17. dontkillthemessenger

    Jerry Sandusky joke is one of the better ones I’ve read so far.

  18. cc

    I lost my virginity at the age of 8 to an overripe avocado.

  19. George

    Hey Stacey, gotta run back to my Villa on Lake Homo, I mean Como. See ya in six months….. maybe

  20. Do_Freebird

    I’m guessing by the looks on their faces that he has his thumb up her ass.

  21. cc

    ‘lost his virginity at the age of 16 (“young, very young, too young”)’

    Who the fuck is he kidding? I wish I had lost my virginity at 12.

  22. forrest gump

    agree, some people have weird habbits.

  23. Terry

    She’s his beard(makes him look straight) and he’s in the damn closet.

  24. Terry

    So, I see George only wears his beard when he eats her out.

  25. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    Biff
    Commented on this photo:

    When are they going to realize that he just fucks em til they aren’t viable for his image anymore?

  26. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    Biff
    Commented on this photo:

    I do have to admit though…this girl seems to have something over Clooney that the other “whores in the spotlight” didn’t have. Maybe he actually does respect her.

  27. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    theman
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder how much a beard costs him. I think they usually get a house out of the deal.

  28. Burt

    And a rope is a phallic symbol…Just saying.

  29. George Clooney Orgasm Rope Gym Class
    oh i know
    Commented on this photo:

    awww, they look cute together, but what is up with her dress?? and i feel like i ask that everytime i see her!

  30. Barth

    You guys are all prudish little douchebags. I lost my virginity climbing up one of those play structure poles you’re supposed to slide down.

    Grow the fuck up.

  31. sallyone

    A rope up the arse, that is….

  32. NPHdpplgngr

    A Joke:
    Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
    A: I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.

    (George… Enjoy.)

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