Gary Coleman must be broke as shit and other news

- Chris Brown is truly suffering for beating the shit out of Rihanna. I mean, he went to the club last night without an entourage. I thought we were done torturing as a nation? [Got your back, Lainey.]

- Heidi Montag still hasn’t told her dad she’s posing in Playboy so she can maintain her “Christian values.” My brain just folded in on itself after typing that sentence. I drool now. [Socialite Life]

- Jack Nicholson’s decrepit body has sex with women. Yet somehow I find this less improbable than Jon Gosselin’s neverending poon train. [Celebslam]

- Alessandra Ambrosio licking an ice cream cone. There is a God. [The Blemish]

- Gwyneth Paltrow’s cooking videos are like “watching paint dry,” according to Real Housewives of New York star Bethenny Frankel. Which is ironic considering that show is like watching middle-aged women’s vaginas dry. Too real? [Just Jared]

- Shia LaBeouf’s masturbation problem is solved! [PopSugar]

- Criss Angel is still alive despite Internet rumors to the contrary and this voodoo doll I told Britney Spears was a hot dog. [PopEater]

Thanks to Katrina for the photo submission except now I’m hungry for French fries with a side of sadness sauce.