See that face? That’s why you always wear a condom. Even if you’re married.
Earlier in the month it was reported that Teen Mom Amber Portwood decided it’d be a smart idea to assault Gary Shirley again while she’s currently facing felony charges for beating him in front of an entire MTV audience and more importantly their infant daughter. Turns out the incident really did happen because TMZ has obtained audio of Gary telling his girlfriend Ashley to lie about the incident. Also, we can assume she took that as “Sell me talking to you right now to TMZ” because that’s entirely what just happened:
The audio — recorded Dec. 15 — captures “Teen Mom” co-star Gary on the phone with a girlfriend named Ashley. He’s telling her how to stonewall reporters who got wind of a Dec. 14 incident where Amber allegedly beat him again.
Gary advises Ashley to tell reporters, “No comment, no comment, no comment …” adding, “every time they leave you alone.”
During the call, Gary admits, Amber “f**king hit me.” You also hear Gary whisper to a friend in the room that Ashley didn’t actually see Amber hit him — she was outside waiting in a car.
In return for Ashley’s silence … Gary makes this gallant offer to her — “Maybe one day we can start a family.”
You gotta love the balls on this guy. Not only is he an epic fatass ensnared in the most publicized Jerry Springer-esque custody battle of the month, but he basically promises to knock another chick up if she looks the other way while his ex beats the shit out of him. I don’t know how you resist that. If I had a vagina right now, I could wring it out and fill up a mop bucket. That’s how seductive that offer is.
Photos: Splash News
Foist. Do one!
That baby girl is very lovely, too cute, she will grow up to be an amazing beauty.
No. She has the same fat head as those two and there is just no getting around it. Fat is her destiny.
She’s an absolutely adorable and sweet baby… but sadly, even the most beautiful, sweet-tempered child can be ruined by bad parenting. I worry that anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and anger management issues are in her future. Her parents have all of the above. This poor little girl would have been a hundred times better off if she had been given up for adoption rather than raised by those much too young parents.
Concur. If she was a roulette I would bet on fat
Nice going, Mr. Fish. I wish I’d written that line about wringing out your vagina and filling a mop bucket… CLASSIC.
derp derp!
Listen carefully. That recording wasn’t made by the chick he was talking to on the phone, it was made IN the room the fat guy was in. It was probably his buddy that made the recording and sold it for four bucks, a pack of Newports, and a half-eaten Slim Jim.
This is the GOOD parent in that relationship.
That little tyke is screwed.
Baby. The other other white meat.
Right? Is he going to eat here? That’s probably a better fate than she could possibly expect at this point.
He’s a healthy and good looking man.
I’m sure he can do better than Teen Mom Amber.
OUT!
Good looking? On what planet?
Planet of the Apefaces!
That fat fuck needs to go on the biggest loser, literally and figuratively.
He was on The Biggest Loser when he fucked Amber.
win
Why? So he can move up from second biggest loser to biggest loser ,the position currently held by Amber,?
Unfortunately, the REAL biggest loser in this scenario is that poor little girl.
“Gotta love the balls on this guy”? What balls?
The closest thing this guy has to balls are the meaty, spaghetti kind, which he presumably keeps in a fanny pack hidden in one of his folds where they’re kept warm.
LMFAO!
I would like to take a still picture of that kid every single day, from now till the age of 21…
And Rolodex everyone one of them like old cartoons are made…
https://secure.groundspring.org/dn/index.php?aid=19862
I’ll give to that. Do you know if its tax-deductible?
I dunno. I don’t give tax advice on this site, just snark.
But kudos to you if you do decide to make a donation.
The word “Epic” is so over used. I wish it would go away. In this case
(Clap…Clap…Clap)
For god’s sakes, here’s a footlong Italian BTM… Don’t eat the child!
WHO GIVES A FUCK! NOBODY CARES ARE TEEN MOMS
What?
WHO GIVES A FUCK CAROLYN! SYRUP FAT MONKEY PANTS BANNANA FART!!
ahaha
Fish to be fair he was lucky enough to find a girl that let him go all the way without having to pay Might i add, and he was even luckier that she let him finish, inside,
so yeah, Someone like his is even lucky to have a kid, I don’t know,
I am half his size, I am 5.5 ft tall and weight 200 pounds, i am not as fat as him and I have yet found a girl to let me do anything to her,
maybe i am looking in the wrong place? maybe i should look in mental hospitals?
If you’re looking for a girl who will let you “do something to her,” then THAT’S why you’re still a virgin. If you just want a girl so you can “do something to her,” hire a prostitute. If you want a girl who wants to have sex with you for reasons OTHER then money, you’re going to have to change your attitude about women. A LOT.
Fish to be fair he was lucky enough to find a girl that let him go all the way without having to pay Might i add, and he was even luckier that she let him finish, inside,
so yeah, Someone like his is even lucky to have a kid, I don’t know,
I am half his size, I am 5.5 ft tall and weight 200 pounds, i am not as fat as him and I have yet found a girl to let me do anything to her,
maybe i am looking in the wrong place? maybe i should look in mental hospitals?
He’s lucky he was ABLE to finish! looking right into Mrs Shrek’s face while I was trying to get off would be a challenge worthy of an olympic event.
With two fat, disgusting, undereducated pigs for parents I feel sorry for this poor little girl.
When you look at her face, you can already see the fat white trash she’s going to grow up to be. Poor little thing never had a chance.
America, America this is you….
Wow, anytime this is mentioned in the media or on TV I feel ashamed to be American. Seriously, this is what Americans find as entertainment? Enough of them apparently do.
I DON’T BELEIVE THAT FOR ONE MINUTE … THE MEDIA SPINS WHAT IT WANT’S TO .. AND THEN RAMS IT DOWN OUR THROATS … THE HUFFINGTON POST IS ADICTED TO THE KADASH FOLKS .. DAY AFTER DAY ON THEIR SITE .. WE GOT PORN SITES THAT ARE VERY EASYLY OBTAINED BY CHILDREN …. AND NOW MTV HAS THIS PROGRAM THAT AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT SHOULD BE SHOWN IN HS TO KIDS .. BUT , NOT ANYMORE … SWEETIE , YOU TELL ME HOW TO STOP IT AND I WILL …
OK, let’s be real here. He’s getting pussy and most of the men on The Fish aren’t. So the obvious solution is to move to wherever he is and hit up on the women there because they don’t seem to have very high standard.
You know what we should do? We should celebrate this crap by putting it on TV. Reinforce all this entitled, ridiculous behavior by paying them for it and make them feel as if they are important only because they have the decision making skills and impulse control of a child, all the while quietly setting them up as role models for our children to measure up to.
He should change his name to Shirley Gary ?
A teenage girl looked at THIS dude and thought, “Meh, I suppose he can jizz in me”??? Seriously?
Uhh, Not really, at their level of intelligence all basic human functions seize to be thought about and become instinctual in nature. In other words, the act of sex is driven by the need on the part of the female to fertilize her eggs….it’s like “coming into heat” in cats and dogs.
You really gonna put that past a teenage girl?
Ke$ha described the type of men she likes: “Like, a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it’s some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime. I like the rugged, mountain-man beard, personally. I won’t discriminate, but my favorite kind of beard is one that could potentially be a homeless beard. Like, you actually have to discover if they’re un-groomed for a reason. I like a really unkempt beard.”
So this guy has a chance with Ke$ha. If they hook up and make a sex tape, would you watch it?
Your telling me that this guy, who is the size of a fucking tanker, gets his ass beat by that funny, kinda Asian looking girl that he calls an ‘ex’? WTF is is that? Your telling me that this dickhead can’t fucking stop her from beating his ass? What the hell is wrong with him? Is he stupid or mentally retarded? I guess this is why I avoid MTV at all costs…
“Maybe one day we can start a family.” That possibility would be enough to cause any sane woman to tear out her uterus with her bare hands.
The baby is precious
SHIT!!! It’s Pizza the Hutt…
“He’s DELICIOUS”…
Maybe defenders of fat ass Kim Kardashian and hippo shaped Christina Hendricks defend this bearded Jabba by telling us that he’s not fat, he’s curvy.
And by telling us that women who prefer men who are, um, thinner than this guy, must want anorexic looking men.
No no daddy don’t eat me!!!!
I think they should sue MTV too after all everything happens because of MTV,s hunger for Fox-like ratings; catering to the Audience carnal trashy appetite for below the belt entertainment does not care if what they’re showing are making them a blatant accessory for the crime. Free speech can only get so far that teetered on the edge of breaking the law
I AGREE 100% .. IT NEEDS TO STOP … IT’S LIKE THROWING GAS ON A FIRE … SOME OF THE REALITY SHOWS HAVE GONE TO FAR … THE BAD GIRLS CLUB IS ANOTHER SHOW THAT’S SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL ….
That’s Quentin Tarantino’s Appalachian cousin.
“If I had a vagina right now, I could wring it out and fill up a mop bucket. That’s how seductive that offer is”.
LMFAO!!!! That has got to be the best remark, ever. EVER!!!
Lordy, Americans can be disgusting. What percentage would you say are losers? I’d say about 50%. Worthless human wreckage.
wtf is up with the way he’s holding his kid?
that was the only time i have laughed all day. thanks fish
Teem Moms, I never thought that MTV could find people that make the cast of Jersey Shore look high class, but they did.
At least on the Jersey Shore none of them have kids… yet.
“Earl, I think maybe Karma wants us to rescue this kid from her mother. Or make a sandwich out of her.. I better sleep on this”
Is it just me or does he look like Ashton Kutcher in a fat suit?
Yes!
Can we have America back, please?
Please. Take it.
“Who’s next on your list, Earl? Let’s talk about it down at the Crab Shack.”
no doubt: THIS IS AN AMERICAN P*EDOPHILE!!
Um…I’m pretty sure he’s beating the shit out of that baby.
Anyone see the Christmas episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The one where the Santa’s run a train on Charlie’s mom. Well now every time I see that episode i will think of you Amber. Your such a good Santa’s little helper.
I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE SHOWS SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING .. I UP TO NOW THOUGHT THAT GARY COULD RAISE LEAH … THIS IS THE FIRST THAT I HAVE READ THIS .. I THINK THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE LEAH FROM BOTH OF THEM … IT MAY BE WAY PAST TIME TO DO THAT , BUT IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN … GARY COVERING UP SOMETHING LIKE THAT DOES NOT SET WELL WITH ME … NEITHER SHOULD HAVE CUSTODY OF LEAH … ( I write in caps because of vision )
The entire sickening this about this story. for Amber to even become a teen mom somebody had to be desperate, horny and stupid enough to want to have sex with her.