Gary Shirley is Too Fat For Handcuffs

May 25th, 2011 // 36 Comments

“Girl, I’mma make love to you until a baby comes out.. did we finish those chili fries?”

Seen here drunkenly celebrating Amber Portwood‘s 21st birthday, Gary Shirley was arrested yesterday for driving with a suspended license after police could hear Amber screaming at him from outside of his car which I’m assuming had something to do with this priceless photo of him getting to second base. RadarOnline reports:

“I asked the male sitting in the driver seat if everything was ok and he advised yes. The female advised that everything was fine. I advised them that I had heard them arguing and wanted to make sure. I asked the both for identification…The male introduced himself and the female as Gary Shirley and Amber Portwood from ‘Teen Mom’.”
Listed at 5’11” and 300 lbs., Shirley had to be detained with two sets of handcuffs because of his size.
“I placed Mr. Shirley in two (2) sets of handcuffs due to his size. Both sets of handcuffs were checked for tightness and doubled locked,” the report states.

“For extra security, Deputy Arbuckle was also present with a bullwhip and wooden chair. Per policy, the local game warden was alerted who instructed everyone in the station to place loose food items securely into their desks so as not to give off a scent. Failing to heed said warning, Deputy Gustafson opened a Snickers bar leaving me no recourse but to discharge my firearm in front of Mr. Shirley’s snout after his eyes turned black and he stood on his hind legs pawing the air. Once the hunger spell subsided, he explained that Ms. Portwood beats him when he drives past a McDonald’s, but refused to press charges as he lost five pounds. He also explained what ‘Teen Mom’ is leaving me again with no recourse but to discharge my firearm, only this time into my abdomen because clearly there is no God in heaven.”

Photos: INFdaily, Splash News


  1. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    Can I have fries with that?

  2. the captain

    yep……PIGS TOO.

  3. cc

    I thought at first that seeing this sweaty oaf dancing was as gross as he could get. However, seeing him actually making out with Amber Slutwood (and contemplating that it might lead to intercourse) is much, much worse.

  4. Luv2Watch

    I just lost my breakfast. Thanks Fish.

  5. Racer X


  6. damn. he’s fat

  7. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    You mean arrested for impersonating a dog’s butt!

  8. Handcuffs, carnival rides, airplane seats, horseback… the list goes on.

  9. Deacon Jones

    He looks like the dwarf that got turned into a pig in “Time Bandits”.

  10. DeucePickle

    Seriously, stop with fat fucking idiot.
    Racer X is right. Who cares? This happened 47 times last night in Georgia to dudes that look just like him. Stop it.

  11. I just hope they never get on a plane to go anywhere.

  12. KC

    I’ve seen these photos before on Conon O’Brien’s old website

  13. Phukaduck

    Amber may be a slut, but by the looks of this pic he still needs to roofie her to get laid.

  14. Richard McBeef

    Someone should have cuffed Miss Piggy’s cankles before the Fat Man could defy all odds and get his penis out.

  15. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    I believe “atavistic” is the term.

  16. Gigi

    That was funny. Thanks, i needed the laugh. )

  17. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    when he holds his head up, that beard almost makes it look like he has a chin.

  18. Who ever thought the Campbell Soup twins would grow up to be incestuous?

  19. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    National geographic should have taught the photographer you don’t approach wild animals in gathering mode. Close call for that dude.

  20. Where do you need to be so urgently that you have to drive while suspended? Try a bicycle you fat fuck.

    • Jovy

      Does it really look like he would even consider getting on a bike or even walking to a bus stop/train station?

  21. leo cocksuckian

    who the fuck is this fat pig?

  22. Venom

    Isn’t he legally big enough to be considered wild game and we can hunt him?

  23. chrissy

    Awesome, lets just make Ambers fucked up temper even worse with alcohol.

  24. The Critical Crassness

    They must be shooting the promo for their new Animal Planet series, “The Complex Mating Rituals of Swine”>

  25. Rumpel

    Good lord you are a funny bastard. I lol’d.

  26. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m as happy to see the Geekoligie writer getting his boob on as anyone, but the dude has REALLY let himself go.
    MOOBS FTW?!?!?!!!!111?

  27. Gary Shirley Arrested
    991-Gannon Mattolli
    Commented on this photo:

    Too bad he’s in prison.

  28. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    For such a large man he has some awfully tiny ears.

  29. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    Does anybody else hear that old fashioned “heh-hee heh-hee” sound that old bicycle bugle horns with those rubber bulbs used to make?

  30. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she’s saying “Oh baby, I want you to make me feel like you want me as much as you want your chicken mcnuggets”

  31. Gary Shirley Arrested
    Commented on this photo:

    In every picture like this, there’s always a curious Neo-Nazi in the background saying it all with his eyes.

  32. Matt

    Gary is such a fat disgusting pig god if get sick everytime if see him

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