Gary Shirley is Too Fat For Handcuffs

By: The Superficial / May 25, 2011

“Girl, I’mma make love to you until a baby comes out.. did we finish those chili fries?”

Seen here drunkenly celebrating Amber Portwood’s 21st birthday, Gary Shirley was arrested yesterday for driving with a suspended license after police could hear Amber screaming at him from outside of his car which I’m assuming had something to do with this priceless photo of him getting to second base. RadarOnline reports:

“I asked the male sitting in the driver seat if everything was ok and he advised yes. The female advised that everything was fine. I advised them that I had heard them arguing and wanted to make sure. I asked the both for identification…The male introduced himself and the female as Gary Shirley and Amber Portwood from ‘Teen Mom’.”
Listed at 5’11” and 300 lbs., Shirley had to be detained with two sets of handcuffs because of his size.
“I placed Mr. Shirley in two (2) sets of handcuffs due to his size. Both sets of handcuffs were checked for tightness and doubled locked,” the report states.

“For extra security, Deputy Arbuckle was also present with a bullwhip and wooden chair. Per policy, the local game warden was alerted who instructed everyone in the station to place loose food items securely into their desks so as not to give off a scent. Failing to heed said warning, Deputy Gustafson opened a Snickers bar leaving me no recourse but to discharge my firearm in front of Mr. Shirley’s snout after his eyes turned black and he stood on his hind legs pawing the air. Once the hunger spell subsided, he explained that Ms. Portwood beats him when he drives past a McDonald’s, but refused to press charges as he lost five pounds. He also explained what ‘Teen Mom’ is leaving me again with no recourse but to discharge my firearm, only this time into my abdomen because clearly there is no God in heaven.”

Photos: INFdaily, Splash News