Stop Touching Your Sister, America, Or We’re Not Going To Chuck E. Cheese

July 4th, 2013 // 54 Comments

Never forget how the Cold War was won.

Alright, folks, it’s the Fourth of July, and whether you celebrate it thinking Jesus himself handed our forefathers machine guns from the heavens to defeat the King of England then made them specifically promise never to surrender them to secret Muslims from Kenya, or if you understand the Revolutionary War was nothing but another knife for France to stick into Britain while they basically won the whole thing for us so we could pay them back by calling them “surrender monkeys” (How you like dem croissants, froggy? ‘MERKA!), the important thing is you grill some form of meat, detonate colored gunpowder and never once think about how many Native Americans we turned around and slaughtered so we had room for Walmarts every 15 miles.

Watch how I let none of that up stop us from taking off until Monday,

- The Superficial

NOTE: You’ll notice I included promotional stills from The Lone Ranger XXX because what’s more American than western-themed porn? Unless there’s an Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter, then it’s that. That wins.

Photos: Jason Heuser / Splash News


  1. johnny p!

    According to CNN, the re-opening of the refurbished Statue of Liberty was a highlight on an otherwise rainy day and after the devastation of Hurricane Sandy and all that other stuff…
    I like your summation, Fish, and I wonder how many people standing in line wearing their Wal-Mart best and chomping on street-vendor dogs bought from a Muslim stopped to think: “Hey, wasn’t this a gift to ‘MERKA from them surrender monkeys? Dayum, son! Better pass me some more of them freedom fries!”

  2. Skippy86

    Wow your grasp of the founding of this country is amazing!!
    Do us a favor and stick to posting photos of KK’s enormous ass.

  3. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Garrett Rubis
    Commented on this photo:

    What an unpatriotic bummer of a post that was… Congrats Fish, you sound like the very first French born Native American… UGH. There’s such thing as being “too liberal” you annoying realist. Why today? I’ll take my Jesus and machine guns.

  4. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    Say what you will. I would totally poke her hontas.

  5. JC

    Well, at least the British were “brave” enough to help us out when those surrender monkeys didn’t want to join in on Iraq II: Let’s-Kill-a-Shitload-of-People-So-I-Can-Show-Up-My-Daddy-Boogaloo.

  6. Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter? Where do I fire up the Kickstarter campaign?

    “Four fingers in seven vaginas ago our fathers and uncles and some freaky lesbos brought forth on this crotch, a new snatch, conceived in lingerie, and dedicated to the proposition that all vaginas are created equal.

    Now we are engaged in a great snatch, testing whether that vagina, or any vagina so pink and so moist, can long endure. We are met on a great sound stage bedroom of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that ham wallet, as a final resting place for those who here gave their spooge so that that pussy might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

    But, in a hairier sense, we can not diddle — we can not rub out —
    we can not penetrate — this vagina. The brave lubes, water and petroleum-based, who struggled here, have reamed it, far above our poor power to double-penetrate. The world will little note, nor long remember what toys were used here, but it can never forget what they did here with that little rabbit attachment. It is for us the horny, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who spooged here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great vagina remaining before us — that from these honored squish mittens we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of vagina — that we here highly resolve that these vaginas shall not have been reamed in vain — that these vaginas, under God, shall have a new birth of cunnilingus — and that government of the vaginas, by the vaginas, for the vaginas, shall not perish from the earth.”

  7. You summed it up well Mr. Fish, I could not say it any better. I just spent the last 2 weeks in The South, and let me tell you, they are some phenomenally stupid people down there. The stereotypes are real and justified.

  8. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    But…but… the arrow is on the wrong side!!!

  9. team america

    America fuck yeah!

  10. I’ve already fire some military grade firearms, drove my big truck around, ate red meat, and listened to some American rock music. I will end my day by blowing some stuff up while mocking various social issues. I bless the USA.

  11. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    Isn’t it weird when porn is more racially accurate than films?

  12. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder why they didn’t call it The Long Ranger. What the hell, did they skip 4th grade or something?

  13. ChaCha

    Careful now, you’ll want to save some of your “Merica” rantings for Thanksgiving.

  14. cc

    Well, I’ll say this. I’ve traveled in the States a great deal, and worked there on contract for extended periods. With a few trivial exceptions the people I’ve met have always been very kind to me.

    So Happy July 4th!

  15. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Napoleon Bonaparte
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m so sick and tired of them titling these porns “Movie Title: A XXX Parody.” What happened to the horrible puns? The BONE Ranger? C’mon!

    • Really, it’s like they’ve never seen Zack and Miri Make a Pornoor something.

    • LordRefrigerator

      Indeed, like Saving Ryan’s Privates, Womb Raider, Schindler’s Fist, A beautiful Behind, Legally Bones, Pulp Friction, Lord Of The G-String, Trobin Robin,…

      And I can go on for a while like this but you get the point… And masturbation doesn’t make you blind at all, I’m the living prove.

  16. Face

    Goddamn that was an awful post. Eat a dick, fish.

  17. mermaid

    happy 4th you primates!

  18. Don Supremo Americano

    You think it was the Frenchies that won the war of Independence for us. What about the hundred of thousands of $ that Spain gave to France and the U.S. colonies to support their success, plus the battles the Spanish fought against Britain including along the Mississippi river and in the gulf of Mexico. Then to continue the lie of the poor, innocent Indians. They have killed as many Americans as we have killed Indians. Fuck off Fish you know about our history as much as you know about everything else you bullshit about.

    • Captain Jingoism to the rescue! Everything we’ve every done as a nation is justified. Fuck you commies that ever say any different.

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      I want ask, what has “the Indians killed as many Americans as they suffered dead” got to do with anything? If you suffer more dead than you kill when you’re the aggressor, good for the defenders! Since when has succeeding at self-defense been a crime worthy of derision? If 1 guy beats up 3 other guys who attacked him I’m praising the fucker, not denigrating him for somehow deserving being beat because he inflicted more injuries than he suffered. The Indians did what any sane people would do – defend their living space from an alien set of invaders (namely white Europeans) whose ways of living left (& still leaves) a lot to be desired.

    • Don, you know as much about history as Courtney Stodden does about looking natural and posing modestly.

      While Spain kicked in, as did the Dutch, it was also out of pure self interest – namely weakening the English enough to get them the hell out of Gibraltar. And while the Spanish governor of New Orleans risked antagonizing the British when he acted on his own by trading with the rebels, the gunpowder that was smuggled through the port in ’76 was paid for, it wasn’t donated. Spain took its sweet time to see how the wind was blowing, which is why it came late to the party – although we got unrestricted access to the port of Havana in ’77, Spain didn’t formally join France in the war until 1779 – which was, not so coincidentally, exactly when they were finally prepared enough to laid siege to Gibraltar. They were not only extremely involved in preventing the British from seizing Cuba and their other colonies, they were all set to invade Jamaica to add it to their holdings when Britain sued for peace. Even so, they cleaned up all across the board. And while they did literally fund the last battle of the revolution (Yorktown), their monetary contribution was still less than the French.

      But as an encore, I’m sure you’ll now go on to explain to us why all Americans of white European descent are now living on reservations, and why for decades they were prohibited from speaking their native English, or practicing any native Christian religious ceremonies. Yes indeed, the Native Americans who are in charge of the Bureau of European American Affairs are definitely the ones who are continuing to perpetuate the “lie” you find so heinous.

  19. Caroline

    ‘They have killed as many Americans as we have killed Indians.’

    I don’t often wade into discussions like this, but last I checked, no European tribes were extirpated from whole regions or driven to extinction by Indians. Speaking of which, I don’t recall Indians, for example, deliberately handing out blankets infected with smallpox.

    You may not agree with everything in Fish’s post, but to suggest that the way the Indians were treated was anything other than an atrocity defies belief.

    • history

      British did the small pox blanket thing prior to the revolution. Look it up.

      • pavement_smear

        Ah, so since the British did it, that makes it OK. Nice reasoning there. It’s not like the British efforts to suppress indigenous populations ever had any lasting negative repurcussions. Let’s see, Ireland (now North Ireland and the Republic of Ireland), India (now India and Pakistan), South Africa, Iraq, Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), Fiji, the British Mandate of Palestine (now Israel and the Palestinian territories). Nope, no problems there…

      • I don’t think the reasoning is that it makes it okay because the British did it, I think the point is that this post is stupid because it insults all Americans celebrating the 4th of July this weekend when it wasn’t any of us that did this. Most of us are only second generation or third generation American. All of the stuff in mentioned in this post only applies to the British that migrated here or their kids. I guess Fish must be a WASP who can trace his roots all the way back to the pilgrims that landed on Plymouth Rock and that’s why he feels so guilty that he has to hate on a holiday. Besides what country doesn’t have a messed up foundation? Do you think the French cry on their national holidays because Haiti is all fucked up today because of their ancestors? Or do they cry along with the British because parts of Africa are all messed up from colonization? How about the Germans? Do they all cry about the Holocaust that their ancestors committed on any national holidays? Grow the fuck up and stop being such self loathing Americans. The over the top liberal self loathing act is getting really old.

      • Caroline

        Yes, it was the British. However, I am pretty sure the Indians didn’t experience a wave of compassion and understanding after the War of Independence, did they?

      • pavement_smear

        No, Caroline, I suppose they did not show great compassion and understanding for the invading populace reducing their food supplies, passing diseases (unintentionally and intentionally), claiming their lands, interfering with their nomadic lifestyle and culture, and inevitably forcibly removing them. How rude of those Indians.

      • pavement will now be conducting both sides of this argument while simultaneously misunderstanding all positions put forth. You can take the rest of the day off Caroline.

      • pavement_smear

        My position was consistent. I did, however, misinterpret Caroline’s 2nd comment, and for that she has my most humble apology. I blame it on misplaced aggression due to the sad realization that I was working yesterday while Fish was taking the day off. No Fish posts = overheated pavement. I will now go sit in the timeout corner…

      • Caroline

        Phil, now THAT made me laugh. Thanks

  20. Australia is grateful to you America, because England abandoned our asses in WW2 and if you hadn’t come to help us we wouldn’t be here now. *kisshug*

    • Please, the Japanese never would have made it through the sea wasp blockade, let alone through the wallaby attack squads and platypus ambush teams.

    • Nothing like sending your sons to war to defend British Egypt and the Canal while leaving their own homeland undefended – and all because a doughy, shortsighted Prime Minister on the other side of the world has coined the phrase “Fortress Singapore” and then decided that because he says it, then it must be so, Gallipoli isn’t the only thing that Churchill fucked you poor bastards over.

  21. wow that was harsh…yeesh

  22. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Tomas Maximus
    Commented on this photo:

    Yummmm, cellulite and bruises — that is so hot! Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet (yuck). Seriously, is porn just about over as a thing? Someone please say yes.

  23. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    Poke-ur-hot-ass looks historically accurate to me.

  24. Smells Fishy

    Most of the time I like the Superficial Writer except when you attempt to be a political correspondent. No democracy is perfect but ours is most the closest. Try writing this in China, Iran, Syria, Lybia, Egypt, Russia…etc. Doesn’t sound all that bad here in the US of A. Now F’off and post about tits and Lohan…MERIKA!

  25. ChaCha

    So, nothing about slavery huh?. RACIST MUCH??

  26. Adrianna Luna Lone Ranger Porn
    Commented on this photo:

    Please tell me her character’s name is Cunto.

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