Stop Touching Your Sister, America, Or We’re Not Going To Chuck E. Cheese

Never forget how the Cold War was won.

Alright, folks, it’s the Fourth of July, and whether you celebrate it thinking Jesus himself handed our forefathers machine guns from the heavens to defeat the King of England then made them specifically promise never to surrender them to secret Muslims from Kenya, or if you understand the Revolutionary War was nothing but another knife for France to stick into Britain while they basically won the whole thing for us so we could pay them back by calling them “surrender monkeys” (How you like dem croissants, froggy? ‘MERKA!), the important thing is you grill some form of meat, detonate colored gunpowder and never once think about how many Native Americans we turned around and slaughtered so we had room for Walmarts every 15 miles.

Watch how I let none of that up stop us from taking off until Monday,

- The Superficial

NOTE: You’ll notice I included promotional stills from The Lone Ranger XXX because what’s more American than western-themed porn? Unless there’s an Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter, then it’s that. That wins.

Photos: Jason Heuser / Splash News