‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Has A Trailer

July 24th, 2014 // 42 Comments
Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer
WATCH: 'Fifty Shades of Grey' Trailer

Here’s the first official trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey which is interesting only in the sense that Hollywood has officially lowered itself to making a movie that’s based on a book that was originally Twilight fan-fiction until the character’s names were changed and Mormon abstinence was replaced with high-business pubes-pulling per Joseph Smith‘s original teachings. Not many people know that. Anyway, Jax Teller, who quit the film, made it a point last week to tell people not to call Fifty Shadesmommy porn” because it’s actually “brilliant” writing about a millionaire who sexually awakens his shy, homely secretary and then fists her stupid. It’s practically Gone With The Wind if Gone With The Wind tied up Scarlet O’Hara and jizzed on her in an airplane.

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  1. Deacon Jones

    What’s ironic, (or pathetic) is that all my years growing up in my teens, 20s, and 30s whenever the mention of a porn movie or even telling funny stories about hooking up/having sex with a girl, 95% of them react the same way “EWWWW! That’s disgusting!!! Men are so gross!”

    Yet this book comes out and has some insane sex scenes in it and they openly talk about how great the book is over a backyard barbeque….what am I missing here??

    • Shanannigan

      You’re missing the fact that women are insane, and rarely make any sense at all. Just nod your head, and wait for them to take their boobs out.

  2. Balls Mcgee

    America’s perspective on sexuality is so bizarre to me. This movie is trying so hard to present itself as ground-breaking for Hollywood cinema when it couldn’t be any more contrived and boring. There is nothing here, it’s a douche bag with fetishes. It’s literally Twilight for their aging audience of prude imbeciles.

  3. Anne De

    How can a movie about hot sex and bondage look so boring?

    • Billie

      Because it was written by a woman who knows nothing about hot sex or bondage. She took Twilight, the wikipedia page for S/M, mixed them together and called it a book.

      I wouldn’t have minded her success, hadn’t it been for the fact that reading 20 pages was enough to see that she put zero effort into it.

    • Swearin

      It’s also directed by the wife of Aaron Taylor-Johnson, who’s so boring of an actor and human being he took his wife’s name when they got married.

    • Because it’s a Twilight fanfic than any 12 year old could have written. Twilight itself barely qualifies as middle school level reading.

  4. JC

    I liked this movie better when it was called “Secretary” and it wasn’t so tragically stupid.

    • anoymous

      ^^ This.

      This movie will make a shitload of money because every woman on Earth has read the book and will go see it with their friends but it’ll suck.

    • Literally about to type the same thing.

    • Marketing Mike

      Think Secretary…
      Insert no-name shitty actors, no sexual chemistry,
      and no actual script. Pretty much every Lifetime movie
      ever made, but with an R rating and 30 seconds of tits.

  5. In my best Superficial-Marvel-Comic-Avengers-Nerd voice that you have in my head… “She isn’t his secretary! Gawd…”

  6. Cock Dr

    I suppose I should be happy, happy that a major R rated movie with sex as the main topic actually got made in America, rather than another Michael Bey/comic book action adventure piece of shit off the production conveyor belt.
    It will probably be painfully bad but if somewhere a woman manages to squeeze out a never before experienced orgasm as a direct result of viewing the movie all the millions spent were worth it.

  7. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    For Valentine’s Day, how sweet. Looks like a date movie to me.

  8. This movie would be a lot more interesting and a lot more true to the source material if it was made by Kink.com and starred James Deen and Princess Donna.

    • Kimmykimkim

      Kink is a good one! But James Deen has a teeny peeny. Really all pornstars do. Maybe that’s why I prefer brutal dildo type of shit. Good times, good times.

      • You’re crazy if you think James Deen has a small dick. Even if you were right, he sure knows how to use it.

        Kink has some websites for the kinds of things you’re into.

      • Visible

        Sir, you are being trolled.

      • Kimmykimkim

        Camera tricks, dude. I don’t necessarily think it’s super tiny but it’s nothing to really get excited about either. I’ve been with smaller, sadly. Not to say I don’t like his scenes. But I don’t watch porn for the dicks, really. I don’t know if that’s what other girls look at cuz all my former friends are now mommies and therefore boring but, I just like to watch the girls get fucked. And nobody’s trolling you like Mr. Paranoia said down there. Just chit-chatting. I don’t even get how this could be considered trolling, honestly.

  9. Slash

    It’s not that it’s porn, it’s shitty porn. The sex isn’t sexy (and if you think it is there’s something wrong with you) and the rest of it is fucking stupid (I did not buy this piece of shit, someone on the intertubes helpfully excerpted it and offered literary criticism – we truly live in an age of wonder).

    “Left Behind” is almost competent writing by comparison.

    Calling it “mommy porn” would actually be a compliment that it doesn’t deserve. Maybe the movie won’t suck as hard, but I doubt it.

  10. StayPUFT Overlord

    They already made this movie. It was titled Secretary, starred Maggie Gylenhall and James Spader, and it was a great film. This is just Cinemax soft porn movie of the month, shot withTwilight soft focus camera action…..no offense Cinemax.

  11. joe

    Say what you will about this movie — I’m still gonna watch it with my wife.

  12. Short Round

    Wow, they finally made a movie that can function as a sensory deprivation tank.

  13. I bet I could sit through an hour and half of this. Mainly because you get like 2 hours while the mushrooms are really peaking.

  14. Kimmykimkim

    Jesus Christ, this looks so lame. How did it not go straight to Lifetime? I prefer xhamster myself, but then again, I’m not a virgin or a mommy who’s been with one mediocre man in my whole life.

  15. So practically everything Christian Grey wears in the movie “grey”. The filmmakers must’ve struggled for months and months to translate all that subtext to the big screen.

  16. Make that “super rich douche bag with fetishes.” If this movie doesn’t end with a sexual harassment lawsuit and a basketball team sale, I’m calling shennanigans.

  17. That Bastard Tony

    Each ticket comes with a complimentary mop.

  18. I first thought I’d rather eat glass that’s been rolled around in Magic Johnson’s blood before enduring this shitheap…but now that I know there’s an EXCLUSIVE version of “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce all up in this, how can I miss it?

  19. Can’t wait to see how unbelievably fucking stupid this piece of shit is going to be.

    Actually, I can, because there is no way in Christ I am watching this groundbreaking-if-you’re-14-or-a-vanilla-housemarm-who-normally-reads-Harlequin-trash misrepresentational clusterfuck.

  20. Smack Yo Bitch Up!

    I’d give ‘er a good crack on the ass.

  21. The girl in this is pretty hot. Doubtful it will be any good though. Does she get gagged and tied spread eagle to the bed and grudge fucked for one uninterrupted 20 minute take? Eh, not interested then.

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