Tila Tequila's bodyguard throws her under the short bus. Because she's tiny. Also, retarded.
The Bodyguard Group is a 43-year-old celebrity bodyguard service dedicated to providing jobs for combat vets. It has never once revealed information about any of its client which include the Hilton family, David Katzenberg, Bijou Phillips, Jon Voight, Jack Nicholson, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Keanu Reeves, Eva Longoria and Conan O' Brien. Then they started working for Tila Tequila.
Thanks to being sucked into the vortex of an insane dwarf hellbent on splattering the world with its crazy like a monkey tossing its feces, but with less dignity, The Bodyguard Group was forced to issue a lengthy press release defending its credibility after Tila decided to name its employees as the father of her imaginary baby and continue to alert the paparazzi to her every move to stage embarrassing photo ops. This puppy reads as basically every thing you've ever suspected about Tila coupled with the non-surprising fact that these poor bastards went through war zones and still couldn't tolerate her shit. How they didn't eventually open fire will baffle me until the day I die.
The Bodyguard Group Press Release After the Jump
Casey Johnson died of stuff, too
Apparently the LA Coroner's Office decided they should get around to solving those high-profile deaths today, because they've also announced the final results of Casey Johnson's autopsy. People reports:
The specific cause of death was "diabetic ketoacidosis," a condition caused by a shortage of insulin, according to a coroner statement.
Shortly after her death, a law enforcement source told PEOPLE that hypodermic needles were found in the home, and they suspected Johnson partied the night before she died and neglected to take her insulin. No illicit drugs were found.
So if I'm reading this right, Casey Johnson essentially died from being a drunken moron. Or is "diabetic ketoacidosis" a fancy word for Tila Tequila? Not that this couldn't go both ways.
Tila Tequila thinks pregnant women carry around dolls
After giving the paparazzi her exact GPS location because she's very tiny, a baby doll-toting Tila Tequila went shopping at Kitson for Kids yesterday where she pretended her uterus isn't the fucking Dead Zone. That said, if there should be a fetus in there thus negating the existence of God, child services better be attaching these pics to a requisition form for a tank. Seriously, you people dropped the ball with Britney, now's it's time to get right.
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Millions of Milkshakes actually has standards
After being bombarded with complaints and petitions thanks to the efforts of the Tila Resistance, Millions of Milkshakes realized it's probably not a good idea to let the Leprechaun Harbinger of Itch near their food products:
Tila Tequila's appearance at Millions of Milkshakes has been canceled. Thanks for all the response, we will keep you posted on more celebrity appearances.
Because she legitimately thinks her reputation requires spin control (Read: Syphilis makes you crazy.), Tila is claiming she canceled because she's pregnant which is her go-to excuse these days. Although in this case, TMZ reports she's shopping around an ultrasound to the highest bidder which I can only assume is a piece of a construction paper with a Cabbage Patch Doll glued to it.
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Tila Tequila on Heidi Montag
Since such concepts as hypocrisy and reality escape her elven grasp, Tila Tequila decided to criticize Heidi Montag's plastic surgery despite the fact if you painted Tila blue you could legally sell her as a Smurf action figure. RadarOnline reports:
"She's gone overboard... Her whole relationship is fake, her whole show is fake, her whole marriage is fake, everything about her is fake. So now it just makes sense that her whole face is fake."
Tila admits to her own plastic surgery, breast augmentation, but believes Heidi, 23, has gone too far.
"She's sending out a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad message to other young girls out there who might look up to her," Tila told RadarOnline.com. "It's telling these girls, 'Don't feel good about yourself, get as much plastic surgery as you can.'"
Tila Tequila's concerned about young girls having positive role models? The Tila Tequila who highjacked a woman's death for publicity and showed her tampon string to the entire Internet while trying to ruin Shawne Merriman's career for kicks? That Tila Te- wait. Am I actually defending Heidi Montag? Fucking dammit! Get my butterfly net. We're ending this thing.
NOTE: Kudos to Millions of Milkshakes for deciding to give Tila her own milkshake this week. Because who doesn't want a tall, frosty glass of Banarama Ewok Snizz? (I don't know what else they'll call it.)
Tila Tequila is a 'Messenger from God'
Tila Tequila's publicist quit yesterday so she decided to mark the occasion last night by tweeting she's "God's messenger" sent to warn us of "the end" and, if I'm reading this right, not have lesbian sex with Casey Johnson because she's an angel, too. I don't even know:
This is the end of the end. Don't take your lives for granted because it will all end very soon. Sooner than u think.
Everything you do now is totally irrelevant to what is to come. I am only here to warn you as God's Messenger and Angel disguised as A Human
God Bless and pray. Pray for all the wrongs you have done to others, pray for all the hurt you have bestowed. Judgement day is coming...
God took the Love of my Life away from me because I promised him that I was only here to do my job. But I fell in Love with Another Angel
So he took her away from me. That was my fault. I broke the rules of being an Angel on Earth as a messenger. We're not allowed 2 fall in luv
With another Angel. Cuz it will distract me from doing my job of helping the world. The minute I fell in love with another Angel, I stopped.
She then claimed to be abandoning the name Tila Tequila, become an ambassador to Vietnam and quit Twitter forever. Which worked for about two hours until she returned to accept submissions for her new record label. You know, God's work.
GOD: Did you sign some successful artists today, Tila?
TILA: No, but I smeared Jell-O on my ass while tweeting I'm a dragon.
GOD: .... Well, that's one way to usher in Armageddon. I guess.
Tila Tequila: 'Casey Johnson wanted me to have her daughter'
Despite solid suspicions that Tila Tequila's engagement to Casey Johnson was a Joe Francis-produced publicity stunt, she's somehow landing interviews with People and now Extra where Tila announced she's going to launch a custody battle for Casey Johnson's daughter. Oh, good:
Casey Johnson's fiancee Tila Tequila tells "Extra" she will seek custody of Johnson's adopted daughter Ava.
Johnson's mother has custody of Ava and Tequila says that's not what Casey wanted.
"Her last wish was to have Ava, have me have Ava," she revealed. The former reality TV star says she will file papers to adopt.
Granted Casey Johnson is the result of her mother's parenting, there's no way any judge in America will hand custody of a child over to Tila Tequila. I can't believe I'm even saying this, but Britney Spears would have a better chance at adoption. She'd be under court order to provide Ava with a football helmet and a handgun, but you get my point.
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Tila Tequila was never engaged to Casey Johnson
Guess I probably should've stopped for a minute and realized the source of Tila Tequila's engagement claims was - whoops - Tila Tequila. (With an assist from Joe Francis.) NY Daily News reports:
Some insiders believe "Girls Gone Wild" pornmeister Joe Francis was the secret architect of the sad spectacle, which they say was designed to hype Tequila's Francis-financed Web site. Tila's assistant, Jessica Cohen, insists the video "had nothing to do with 'Girls Gone Wild.'" Francis' rep didn't return calls.
All I need to hear is that Joe Francis had sex with Tila Tequila and we're seriously looking at the trifecta of horrible decisions:
1. Finance a dating site run by an unholy elf who personally lodges VD in your urethra.
2. Pull a publicity stunt predicated on the fact that said elf has any credibility whatsoever.
3. Stick your penis in it. Even with a condom.
I'm a pretty sure a smarter business decision would've been to light a pile of cash on fire right before banging a mountain of rusty scrap metal. There's really no way Joe Francis wouldn't have come out ahead on that one. Fiscally and hygienically.
Thanks to Youarereported for his diligent efforts minding the shit-midget fence.
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