Most Important People: McFeely Smackup’s Review of Teen Mom Farrah’s Sex Tape Won Edition

May 11th, 2013 // 64 Comments

Welcome to the return of The Most Important People on The Internet which almost didn’t happen thanks to jqueries, random zeroes and a lack of delicious, ego-stroking thumbs up buttons. (All of which should be in working order as of yesterday afternoon.) So I was going to save the few gems I found for next week, but that was before McFeely Smackup strode into yesterday’s Teen Mom Farrah post and delivered his magnum opus review of her sex tape that should be printed out and read in the Louvre by Morgan Freeman. In fact, I’d like to apologize to the other MIPs because this is like pitching your best Little League game only to have Lenny Dykstra show up in the ninth inning and bang your mom. There’s no other way to put that.

The McFeely Smackup Review of ‘Backdoor Teen Mom: Farrah Superstar’

0:00 Starts with James Deen holding the camera while Farrah talks about some stupid shit nobody cares about. For some reason she has a huge bag of underwear that she says “a friend loaned her” and she’s going to try them on. Is that a real thing with chicks? Loaning each other underwear? I don’t’ know about everyone else, but dudes would freeball in jeans they shit in before borrowing someone elses underwear.

2:57 after talking for about 7 or 8 hours, and finally takes her clothes off. Her novelty boob implants look like someone stuck melon halves on a skinny boy, they move like…like uh…well, they don’t move.

3:15 Farrah says “Now give me kisses” and Deen kisses her with all the enthusiasm of licking an ashtray. He probably can’t stop thinking about why her mouth tastes like MTV producer cock.

3:42 close up of her ass in some lacy underwear…actually doesn’t look too bad.

Blah, blah blah, she keeps running her mouth about shit nobody cares about

6:18 Ok, finally Farrah pulls out Deens dick and says “Ok, let’s get you hard” in a very businesslike manner, leading me to believe this is not her first fluffing session. A moderately skilled bit of fluffing commences

6:44 Farrah says “I’m going to go get my lube baby…cuz we’re going to do anal…you’re going to do that first”. Now this is where Deen, a professional porn star, is openly shocked. She wants to START with the old dirt road. Daddy must be proud.

7:23 She’s back with the lube, and makes the first of many comments on the size of Deens cock. Now Farrah says she hasn’t done anal in forever. Then says she’s never done it before. Then says last time was at Neverland. I guess Michael Jackson buttfucked our little teen mom. She just won’t fucking shut up.

7:54 a bit more enthusiastic oral performed on Deen, some skills are starting to become apparent.
It’s worth noting that there is not a hint of shyness from this girl. Not about having sex with a porn star, not about having a camera in her face while she’s blowing a huge cock, nothing. This is clearly not her first rodeo.

9:00 Farrah says “you’re cumming in me later”. Deen says “I’m down with that”. This proves he’s a fucking moron.

9:45 Deen’s lubed up cock is now poised at the gates of Farrah’s backdoor mysteries. He gives a couple of half hearted pushes, the head disappears into her anus briefly, then he backs off and performs some cunnilingus on her.

11:30 We finally have full vaginal penetration. Camera has been placed on a side table so the angle is not very interesting.

12:20 Deen rolls her to the side so the penetration is now visible, but her implants look ridiculously fake. Deen grabs a pillow and for a brief instant, there’s a surge of hope that he’s going to smother her with it because she won’t shut her fucking mouth, but instead he throws it off the bed.

13:10 Farrahs knees are now tucked behind her ears. I’ll give her this much, she is flexible. So is Deens cock, it’s got a 90
degree bend in it in this position. It’s difficult to watch.

15:00 Deen rolls Farrah onto her stomach, presumably so the mattress will suffocate her and he can film the remainder in peaceful quiet. Now comes some judicial anal lubing, and finger insertions.

15:50 Farrah on all fours, getting it doggy while Deen has a thumb in her ass up to his wrist. Farrah is grabbing at his wrist and gyrating it around in her ass like she’s scrambling eggs in there.

17:13 full anal penetration is achieved. Farrah is rubbing her pussy while Deen mines for ass gold.

21.28 in an unfortunate turn of events, the camera is place on the bed showing Farrah’s face while she repeats the phrase “dick in my ass” over and over.

22:16 camera is now close up on the anal penetration, things look kinda busted in Farrah’s downstairs lobby.

22:31 A quick edit transitions to some standing, leaning against the wall vaginal fucking. The clock on the television reveals it was brief enough that Deens dick can only have been given the most cursory of wipedowns. Farrahs anus looks like the Sarlaac pit right before Boba Fett got eaten.

23:35 Deen rubs Farrahs pussy until a small gush of fluid escapes. I’m going to just assume she just pissed on Deen’s rug. Which is a shame, as it really tied the room together.

24:03 Farrah kneels down and puts Deen’s shit smeared cock in her mouth again. Her BJ skills are in full display now. Working the balls, shaft, and finally shutting the fuck up.

25:47 back against the wall for some standing anal. Pretty damned good standing anal. Like I’m going back to 25:47 a few more times good.

27:27 Deen pulls her back on the bed for some reverse anal cowgirl.

28:04 now back to vaginal. Hope he wasn’t planning on eating that. Now at this point Farrah is staring directly into the camera, and saying every word that comes into her head from this list “fuck, cock, ass, baby, uunngh, cum, potato”.

29:49 Still in reverse cowgirl, we’ve moved back to anal. Farrah is still staring at me. Her vagina looks totally busted. She keeps asking Deen questions like “do you like that cock in my ass baby”, Deen is getting irritated and says “YES”, as in “stop asking!”.

31:00 edit transition to doggy style, camera ¼ inch from Farrahs face. We can’t see from this angle, but Farrah is still talking about the dick in her ass, so it seems to be anal doggy.

31:30 Farrah performs her second Ass to Mouth, and displays some more BJ skills that could easily be a harbinger of careers to come for her.

32:50 Farrah says she needs a break. Some shit nobody cares about goes on for a while

34:56 break time is over

35: 13 Farrah says “there’s something wrong with me” . I couldn’t agree more. Cunnilingus ensues.

37:00 Spooning, vaginal penetration. Deen begins kissing her in an attempt to get her to stop talking

38:48 Back to doggy, vaginal this time. Deen is whipping up a bacteria Frappuccino in there. This scene provides the least attractive view of Farrah’s implants. There’s some loos skin hanging down that is trying to move, but the implants are bolted tight…the resulting effect is hard to look away from, mesmerizing.

40:35 Farrah moves to kneel down, the countdown to the money shit is ticking. Fellatio is demonstrated by a true professional.

41:01 Since Farrah is not a professional, her finishing move will be more like what we saw from Paris Hilton (on the tits) or Kim Kardashian (naval cannon). NOPE, Farrah does it like old school. A couple of shots directly in the mouth, and the rest icing her face like a toaster strudel. What went into her mouth is swallowed without comment.

42:20 Farrah uses Deens pillow to wipe cum off her face. This does not pass without comment.

There’s two more scenes, one of her showering which is boring beyond all expectation of anyone to sit through without pumping the fast forward button like it was their cock at 25:47.
The second scene is Farrah diddling herself in the back of a limo while Deen films. Her vagina and anus look especially busted after the days filming.

Summary: Farrah has a lucrative career in having penis in her anus ahead of her. She could benefit from a bit of professional training in “shut the fuck up”, but the physical skills are already there. I look forward to her follow up effort “Farrah Superstar: I Already Did Anal So Just Pee In My Asshole”

Well Done, Sir

[EDIT: Also, I forgot to point out (dammit Fish, could you invest in some software that lets us edit posts?), that at 35:13 Deen is going down on a vag that he was double dipping with his cock in her ass a few minutes ago. Yuck. What does fame taste like? E.Coli apparently.

Also, that was supposed to be “money shot”, not “money shit”…although kneeling down after 45 minutes of anal doesn’t make that too unlikely. - McFeely Smackup]

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    I’m guilty and ashamed for even knowing who that pathetic Farrah bimbo is, let alone voluntarily clicking a link that leads to acts of pooper juice licking depravity between 2 hired prostitutes.
    More evidence that it’s just an awful world we live in.
    Good luck to us all.

  2. Kim Kardashian Kanye West MET Gala
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    MOOOOoooooo

  3. Suzy

    It’s like I was there! You saved me eye herpes! My hero.

    This stupid ho should be wildly entertaining in the next couple of years. Can we start a betting game called “When does the meth begin” and “When does she publicly bring up her daddy issues”

  4. McFeely, dude, well done. Even my wife was howling, and she’s suspiciously devoid of a sense of humor. Mind you, she married me, so she can clearly take a joke. In any case, hats off, buddy!

  5. amanda

    I lost my shit at the Lebowski reference. Top notch!

  6. Chris Christie Fat High Waisted Pants
    amanda
    Commented on this photo:

    McFeely SmackUp, I love you!

  7. Absolutely brilliant write up.
    I was dying reading it. I have no interest at all seeing that skanky young boy with tits naked, but loved your recap.

  8. June Shannon Riding ATV With Daughter
    Dick Hell
    Commented on this photo:

    Since the ATV appears to be parked I assume they’re just revving it up for jollies… sort of a redneck Sybian.

  9. Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner
    Commented on this photo:

    haha

  10. Cameron Diaz Stella McCartney Kristen Stewart Backseat Tired Looking MET Gala
    Allion
    Commented on this photo:

    A car full of chic corpses.

  11. FattyFatty2X4

    Ahhh McFeely, you have too much time on your hands and I now have too much goo on mine.
    Thanx for the amazing blow by blow account.
    You’re my favorite!
    Luv Ya bud!

  12. DeucePickle

    So how long till there is a GIF of 25:47 that I can watch? I’ve heard good things

  13. Tiger Woods Drunk MET Gala
    Can you smell my vagina from there?
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey, any chance that the galleries will ever work again using Firefox on Linux (they did before the site redesign)? Currently the photos change but the main caption stays on the first photo. The small captions at the bottom of the pics change, but if the captiion is long it gets all jumbled.

    Keep up the great comedy, you penisless dwarf fetishists.

    • The same thing happens on Chrome. If I want to view a gallery on here without having to refresh with each picture, I have to use IE. So I refresh with each picture, because it’s still better than using IE.

  14. Bravo, Mr Smackup. Bravo.

  15. Tiger Woods Drunk Lindsay Vonn MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Hilarious!

  16. Never in the history of this site did any post by a user deserve its own post. Bravo. This is one of those everyone rise up, slow clap moments.

    I would like to believe that Roger Ebert has a secret stash of reviews of pornos and that they all go something like yours.

  17. I tip my hat to you, McFeely

  18. Tiger Woods Drunk MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    Good one.

  19. Thanks Fish, now I can’t get Morgan Freeman’s voice out of my head saying ” things look kinda busted in Farrah’s downstairs lobby…kinda busted”

  20. Liam Neeson Goatee Shooting Gun Movie Set
    Commented on this photo:

    Well said.

  21. Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner
    Commented on this photo:

    Brilliant.

  22. Chris Christie Fat High Waisted Pants
    Commented on this photo:

    The man of the hour strikes again.

  23. Jesusfuckinchrist move on already and stop extending that assfucked gutterslut’s two minute of fame. BTW the full vid is all over the internet for free, no need to let her or Vivid make a rusty cent.

  24. Snooki's Taint

    agreed. that shit looks like it has been put through the ringer a dozen times. I draw your attention to photographic evidence, pictures #10 & #12

    http://galleries5.ptclassic.com/3/vivid-celeb-farrah-abraham-sex-tape/

  25. That reminds me; how fucking good were those Toaster Strudel when you were a kid? And every once in a great while, you’d get an extra frosting packet in there. How great was that?

  26. Natalie

    omfg, that was awesome! Made me LOL more than a few times…

    I realize the limo scene is boring as fuck and really just dumb, but we need a limo scene review from you also!!!! Pretty please!

    I can’t wait to see what you would do with THAT one! (Baby, the limo driver is going to see me. Ohhh Noooooooo!)

  27. Carla

    Right on, Fish!

  28. McFeely’s review deserved it’s own post & you delivered. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll take my place in the line forming around the block to bj/dryhump/asstomouth Mr. Smackup!

  29. Worthy of a Pulitzer. McFeely has a career of film critic ahead of him.

  30. McFeely Smackup, Dude, top notch, first cabin, and all-in-all pretty fucking good. I mean Farrah, NOT your review…Hahaha…just kidding. You done good, young man!

  31. UltraMan's shadow

    Well done McFreely, well done indeed.
    Your opus, along with that Kim K Superstar copy and paste essay, are clearly the best things this site has going for it (sorry Fish).
    Enjoy your weekend sir, it is well desirved.

  32. Oz Matters

    The McFeely review is even more inspirational than the book “Life of Pi” – a publisher should release it and title it “Life of Poo”.

  33. June Shannon Riding ATV With Daughter
    GoBackToTheFarmBuck
    Commented on this photo:

    I geuss ATVs don’t have a weight limit.

  34. Deacon Jones

    Mcfeeleys review should make national news, I pray to god the bitch reads it

  35. Kim Kardashian Kanye West MET Gala
    Commented on this photo:

    not only are you increasing my visibility for fatwas, you put yourself out there too.

  36. chicka

    zzzzzzzzzzz (not you, her..)

  37. Chris Christie Fat High Waisted Pants
    Commented on this photo:

    His pants don’t come anywhere near his armpits, so he can’t really be THAT fat.

  38. Steph

    I was going to watch it for James Deen (female here) but sounds like she ruined the whole thing. She had a go with him and did all the talking? What a waste. That man knows how to talk dirty.

  39. Flavor Flav Assault Child Endangerment Arraignment Huge Key Ring
    Tinka
    Commented on this photo:

    Win.

  40. I laughed, I cringed, I hid under the desk. It was everything I always thought porn would be. Thanks, McFeely! :D

  41. Chris Christie Fat High Waisted Pants
    Yatz
    Commented on this photo:

    lol… But, seriously, the GOP could use someone focused and level-headed like Matt Foley to show it the way!

  42. spareclownparts

    Mcfeely Smackup just solidified himself on the mount rushmore of alltime best superficial commenters

  43. brilliant MFS, fucking brilliant.

  44. dontkillthemessenger

    That was one of the funniest things I have ever read. Maybe McFeely can be added as a part timer on the site… wait a second, what the fuck am I talking about? Fish is a part timer and Photo Boy works for pizza crusts.

  45. CMYK

    10/10. Brilliant. Give him Fish’s job.

  46. Emma Stone
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh, my God…

  47. Chris Christie Fat High Waisted Pants
    Commented on this photo:

    Perfect.

  48. Dr.J

    HEY YOU. Mcfeely Smackup. I have questions. I’m a girl, so once when I worked at a video store I took the plastic wrap off of Tommy Lee’s and Pamela Anderson’s sex tape out of curiosity and watched that and then wrapped it back up and put it back on the shelf the next day, but that’s about it porn-wise, because for most girls it’s boring and super uncomfortable to watch, BUT male lust, I’m curious, so that 25.47—I don’t even have to look back to check the time code you mentioned it so much—and you have a good handle on description—can you please, in detail, explain what was so great about that. For science. Thanks. Signed, curious.

  49. Cameron Diaz Stella McCartney Kristen Stewart Backseat Tired Looking MET Gala
    mrotz
    Commented on this photo:

    Those 3 looked like the Walking DEAD…Too much makeup yugggggggh.

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