Welcome to the return of The Most Important People on The Internet which almost didn’t happen thanks to jqueries, random zeroes and a lack of delicious, ego-stroking thumbs up buttons. (All of which should be in working order as of yesterday afternoon.) So I was going to save the few gems I found for next week, but that was before McFeely Smackup strode into yesterday’s Teen Mom Farrah post and delivered his magnum opus review of her sex tape that should be printed out and read in the Louvre by Morgan Freeman. In fact, I’d like to apologize to the other MIPs because this is like pitching your best Little League game only to have Lenny Dykstra show up in the ninth inning and bang your mom. There’s no other way to put that.
The McFeely Smackup Review of ‘Backdoor Teen Mom: Farrah Superstar’
0:00 Starts with James Deen holding the camera while Farrah talks about some stupid shit nobody cares about. For some reason she has a huge bag of underwear that she says “a friend loaned her” and she’s going to try them on. Is that a real thing with chicks? Loaning each other underwear? I don’t’ know about everyone else, but dudes would freeball in jeans they shit in before borrowing someone elses underwear.
2:57 after talking for about 7 or 8 hours, and finally takes her clothes off. Her novelty boob implants look like someone stuck melon halves on a skinny boy, they move like…like uh…well, they don’t move.
3:15 Farrah says “Now give me kisses” and Deen kisses her with all the enthusiasm of licking an ashtray. He probably can’t stop thinking about why her mouth tastes like MTV producer cock.
3:42 close up of her ass in some lacy underwear…actually doesn’t look too bad.
Blah, blah blah, she keeps running her mouth about shit nobody cares about
6:18 Ok, finally Farrah pulls out Deens dick and says “Ok, let’s get you hard” in a very businesslike manner, leading me to believe this is not her first fluffing session. A moderately skilled bit of fluffing commences
6:44 Farrah says “I’m going to go get my lube baby…cuz we’re going to do anal…you’re going to do that first”. Now this is where Deen, a professional porn star, is openly shocked. She wants to START with the old dirt road. Daddy must be proud.
7:23 She’s back with the lube, and makes the first of many comments on the size of Deens cock. Now Farrah says she hasn’t done anal in forever. Then says she’s never done it before. Then says last time was at Neverland. I guess Michael Jackson buttfucked our little teen mom. She just won’t fucking shut up.
7:54 a bit more enthusiastic oral performed on Deen, some skills are starting to become apparent.
It’s worth noting that there is not a hint of shyness from this girl. Not about having sex with a porn star, not about having a camera in her face while she’s blowing a huge cock, nothing. This is clearly not her first rodeo.
9:00 Farrah says “you’re cumming in me later”. Deen says “I’m down with that”. This proves he’s a fucking moron.
9:45 Deen’s lubed up cock is now poised at the gates of Farrah’s backdoor mysteries. He gives a couple of half hearted pushes, the head disappears into her anus briefly, then he backs off and performs some cunnilingus on her.
11:30 We finally have full vaginal penetration. Camera has been placed on a side table so the angle is not very interesting.
12:20 Deen rolls her to the side so the penetration is now visible, but her implants look ridiculously fake. Deen grabs a pillow and for a brief instant, there’s a surge of hope that he’s going to smother her with it because she won’t shut her fucking mouth, but instead he throws it off the bed.
13:10 Farrahs knees are now tucked behind her ears. I’ll give her this much, she is flexible. So is Deens cock, it’s got a 90
degree bend in it in this position. It’s difficult to watch.
15:00 Deen rolls Farrah onto her stomach, presumably so the mattress will suffocate her and he can film the remainder in peaceful quiet. Now comes some judicial anal lubing, and finger insertions.
15:50 Farrah on all fours, getting it doggy while Deen has a thumb in her ass up to his wrist. Farrah is grabbing at his wrist and gyrating it around in her ass like she’s scrambling eggs in there.
17:13 full anal penetration is achieved. Farrah is rubbing her pussy while Deen mines for ass gold.
21.28 in an unfortunate turn of events, the camera is place on the bed showing Farrah’s face while she repeats the phrase “dick in my ass” over and over.
22:16 camera is now close up on the anal penetration, things look kinda busted in Farrah’s downstairs lobby.
22:31 A quick edit transitions to some standing, leaning against the wall vaginal fucking. The clock on the television reveals it was brief enough that Deens dick can only have been given the most cursory of wipedowns. Farrahs anus looks like the Sarlaac pit right before Boba Fett got eaten.
23:35 Deen rubs Farrahs pussy until a small gush of fluid escapes. I’m going to just assume she just pissed on Deen’s rug. Which is a shame, as it really tied the room together.
24:03 Farrah kneels down and puts Deen’s shit smeared cock in her mouth again. Her BJ skills are in full display now. Working the balls, shaft, and finally shutting the fuck up.
25:47 back against the wall for some standing anal. Pretty damned good standing anal. Like I’m going back to 25:47 a few more times good.
27:27 Deen pulls her back on the bed for some reverse anal cowgirl.
28:04 now back to vaginal. Hope he wasn’t planning on eating that. Now at this point Farrah is staring directly into the camera, and saying every word that comes into her head from this list “fuck, cock, ass, baby, uunngh, cum, potato”.
29:49 Still in reverse cowgirl, we’ve moved back to anal. Farrah is still staring at me. Her vagina looks totally busted. She keeps asking Deen questions like “do you like that cock in my ass baby”, Deen is getting irritated and says “YES”, as in “stop asking!”.
31:00 edit transition to doggy style, camera ¼ inch from Farrahs face. We can’t see from this angle, but Farrah is still talking about the dick in her ass, so it seems to be anal doggy.
31:30 Farrah performs her second Ass to Mouth, and displays some more BJ skills that could easily be a harbinger of careers to come for her.
32:50 Farrah says she needs a break. Some shit nobody cares about goes on for a while
34:56 break time is over
35: 13 Farrah says “there’s something wrong with me” . I couldn’t agree more. Cunnilingus ensues.
37:00 Spooning, vaginal penetration. Deen begins kissing her in an attempt to get her to stop talking
38:48 Back to doggy, vaginal this time. Deen is whipping up a bacteria Frappuccino in there. This scene provides the least attractive view of Farrah’s implants. There’s some loos skin hanging down that is trying to move, but the implants are bolted tight…the resulting effect is hard to look away from, mesmerizing.
40:35 Farrah moves to kneel down, the countdown to the money shit is ticking. Fellatio is demonstrated by a true professional.
41:01 Since Farrah is not a professional, her finishing move will be more like what we saw from Paris Hilton (on the tits) or Kim Kardashian (naval cannon). NOPE, Farrah does it like old school. A couple of shots directly in the mouth, and the rest icing her face like a toaster strudel. What went into her mouth is swallowed without comment.
42:20 Farrah uses Deens pillow to wipe cum off her face. This does not pass without comment.
There’s two more scenes, one of her showering which is boring beyond all expectation of anyone to sit through without pumping the fast forward button like it was their cock at 25:47.
The second scene is Farrah diddling herself in the back of a limo while Deen films. Her vagina and anus look especially busted after the days filming.
Summary: Farrah has a lucrative career in having penis in her anus ahead of her. She could benefit from a bit of professional training in “shut the fuck up”, but the physical skills are already there. I look forward to her follow up effort “Farrah Superstar: I Already Did Anal So Just Pee In My Asshole”
[EDIT: Also, I forgot to point out (dammit Fish, could you invest in some software that lets us edit posts?), that at 35:13 Deen is going down on a vag that he was double dipping with his cock in her ass a few minutes ago. Yuck. What does fame taste like? E.Coli apparently.
Also, that was supposed to be “money shot”, not “money shit”…although kneeling down after 45 minutes of anal doesn’t make that too unlikely. - McFeely Smackup]