Surprise! You Were Never Going To Be Kim Kardashian: An Open Letter To Farrah Abraham

Hey, Farrah, how you doing?

By now your sex tape has been out for an entire business week, and you probably feel pretty awesome because everyone’s talking about you and doing interviews with you and totally believing all your horseshit.

Except they’re not, and welcome to your last remaining bits of Internet.

You see, Farrah, what no one around you is telling you, or might be and you’re completely ignoring them, is that you didn’t just make it big. Not even close. What happened this week is called a spectacle, or more aptly, a goddamn trainwreck. Exactly all of the interest in you is to watch you spin a web of bullshit so shit-rific that E! News and Entertainment Tonight don’t even have to say anything because it’s so painfully obvious it’s bullshit. No one’s believing you or that you did anything but try to copy Kim Kardashian. They’re laughing at you. I’d ask if you honestly thought anyone would see your sex tape and not recognize it as a full-fledged porno right out of the gate, but we both know you did because you’re a stupid, vapid brat whose parents did you a giant disservice by never saying “no” to you. That’s how you’re even here in the first place. How’s your kid by the way?

So what happens next? Next, you watch the media move onto the next spectacle without the decency of at least tossing a five dollar bill in your face. (Me? I’m classy, so thank you for all the Internet traffic. I bought beer and comic books with it.) Because the only move left for you now is to do more porn after the performance you gave because, trust me, no one’s sitting around going, “I could really go for some food cooked by that Teen Mom James Deen fucked in the ass.” And I know you’re already thinking, “What if I did another sex tape?” Congratulations, that’s more porn. You’re a porn star. And one of the great joys about being porn star is you become less and less famous as younger porn stars pile in behind you. In fact, it’s only been five days and you’re already losing ground to Megan Fox jumping on a trampoline. In fact, drunk Tiger Woods wiped the floor with you as early as Wednesday that’s how quickly the shits being given are running out for you.

So before I leave, let me ask you two quick questions: Has Ryan Seacrest called and is your mom Kris Jenner? No? Have fun filming Schnozerella 2: The Buttening.

- The Superficial

Photos: Pacific Coast News/