Newsicus Harry Pottercus! (I’ll Go Shoot Myself In The Face Now)
“Please, Lady Rowling, no more books to make movies out of. Please. The cages, they burn.”
“I’m trying, children, I’m trying. They have ways…”
In case you haven’t figured out by the quiet, nerdy girl in your office suddenly growing alive with passion and screaming, “Yeah. FUCK YEAH!” while sending her foot through her monitor, J.K. Rowling just announced a new series of Harry Potter spinoff films based on Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, a fictional textbook used by the students at Hogwarts. (“What’s Hogwarts?” you ask. I’ll tell you if you tell me what type of Poké Ball I need to find a clitoris.) Making the news even more exciting for Potter fans is Rowling will write the screenplays herself because Warner Bros. did an awesome job convincing her they won’t butcher the shit out of this behind her back. Well played. Via Facebook:
“It all started when Warner Bros. came to me with the suggestion of turning ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ into a film. I thought it was a fun idea, but the idea of seeing Newt Scamander, the supposed author of ‘Fantastic Beasts’, realized by another writer was difficult. Having lived for so long in my fictional universe, I feel very protective of it and I already knew a lot about Newt. As hard-core Harry Potter fans will know, I liked him so much that I even married his grandson, Rolf, to one of my favourite characters from the Harry Potter series, Luna Lovegood.
As I considered Warners’ proposal, an idea took shape that I couldn’t dislodge. That is how I ended up pitching my own idea for a film to Warner Bros.
Although it will be set in the worldwide community of witches and wizards where I was so happy for seventeen years, ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ is neither a prequel nor a sequel to the Harry Potter series, but an extension of the wizarding world. The laws and customs of the hidden magical society will be familiar to anyone who has read the Harry Potter books or seen the films, but Newt’s story will start in New York, seventy years before Harry’s gets underway.
It’s probably a good thing this isn’t about Harry Potter because in case you’ve missed Photo Boy’s uncanny ability to find Daniel Radcliffe pics, he looks like Frodo carrying the One Ring if the One Ring was forged by Walter White. “Trust me when I say the quality of this product is 98% pure. And will bind them all in the darkness, yes, yes, yes. But just look at that color!”