Newsicus Harry Pottercus! (I’ll Go Shoot Myself In The Face Now)

September 12th, 2013 // 38 Comments
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“Please, Lady Rowling, no more books to make movies out of. Please. The cages, they burn.”
“I’m trying, children, I’m trying. They have ways…”

In case you haven’t figured out by the quiet, nerdy girl in your office suddenly growing alive with passion and screaming, “Yeah. FUCK YEAH!” while sending her foot through her monitor, J.K. Rowling just announced a new series of Harry Potter spinoff films based on Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, a fictional textbook used by the students at Hogwarts. (“What’s Hogwarts?” you ask. I’ll tell you if you tell me what type of Poké Ball I need to find a clitoris.) Making the news even more exciting for Potter fans is Rowling will write the screenplays herself because Warner Bros. did an awesome job convincing her they won’t butcher the shit out of this behind her back. Well played. Via Facebook:

“It all started when Warner Bros. came to me with the suggestion of turning ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ into a film. I thought it was a fun idea, but the idea of seeing Newt Scamander, the supposed author of ‘Fantastic Beasts’, realized by another writer was difficult. Having lived for so long in my fictional universe, I feel very protective of it and I already knew a lot about Newt. As hard-core Harry Potter fans will know, I liked him so much that I even married his grandson, Rolf, to one of my favourite characters from the Harry Potter series, Luna Lovegood.
As I considered Warners’ proposal, an idea took shape that I couldn’t dislodge. That is how I ended up pitching my own idea for a film to Warner Bros.
Although it will be set in the worldwide community of witches and wizards where I was so happy for seventeen years, ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ is neither a prequel nor a sequel to the Harry Potter series, but an extension of the wizarding world. The laws and customs of the hidden magical society will be familiar to anyone who has read the Harry Potter books or seen the films, but Newt’s story will start in New York, seventy years before Harry’s gets underway.

It’s probably a good thing this isn’t about Harry Potter because in case you’ve missed Photo Boy’s uncanny ability to find Daniel Radcliffe pics, he looks like Frodo carrying the One Ring if the One Ring was forged by Walter White. “Trust me when I say the quality of this product is 98% pure. And will bind them all in the darkness, yes, yes, yes. But just look at that color!”

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. I don’t care. They’re too old. It’s played out. Harry Potter is stupid. Wizards are lame. Books are for nerds. Um… that’s all I got.

  2. LOL. As if you own a gun.

  3. alex

    “…but the idea of seeing Newt Scamander, the supposed author of ‘Fantastic Beasts’, realized by another writer was difficult.”

    She’s referring to a fictional character as “an author?” Next time I’ll skip the fucking Harry Potter threads.

    • poop

      Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them is a textbook because they go to Wizarding School. The character just writes the textbooks….

  4. EricLR

    When asked for comment, Daniel Radcliffe responded “Yeah, can I borrow $20? You know I’m good for it, I swear, man!”

  5. Josephus

    I SWORE that said “Fantastic BREASTS and Where to Find Them.”

  6. malaka

    didn’t neville longbottom marry luna lovegood?

  7. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    i know that its pretty fucked up to laugh at somebody’s addiction issues.. but jesus christ dude…

  8. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    just get me to the airport. get me on a plane.
    hurry hurry hurry, before i go insane.
    i can’t control my finger. i can’t control my brain.
    oh no oh oh oh oh!

  9. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    this one actually doesn’t look so bad by comparison

  10. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    and what would a gallery be without a black dude in the background saying it all with his eyes

  11. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    but master is our friend!
    WE HAVE NO FRIENDS!

  12. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    i cant carry the ring. but i can carry you

  13. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    don’t follow the lights!!

  14. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    this one is just too brutal.
    i got nothing…
    its like he just spotted the nazgul

  15. Walter White

    The quest for more money.

  16. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    malaka
    Commented on this photo:

    Alive without breath,
    As cold as death;
    Never thirsty, ever drinking,
    All in mail never clinking.

    This thing all things devours;
    Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
    Gnaws iron, bites steel;
    Grinds hard stones to meal;
    Slays king, ruins town,
    And beats mountain down.

  17. Drundel

    Did anyone else read it as “Fantastic Breasts and Where to Find Them”

  18. “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” sounds to me like a show about the Kardashian compound.

  19. “What’s Hogwarts?” you ask. I’ll tell you if you tell me what type of Poké Ball I need to find a clitoris.” Oh Fish you always get me in trouble at work. Oh some British Geek with a lisp explaning what the balls do! Oh the JAPs………
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ6d_niVWvw

  20. “What? Bill Gates has more money than me? Well, I’ll just fire up the old cash-ola machine and we’ll see about that”

  21. Don’t giveacus a fuckukus.

    Now if there was only a spell to increase the average american’s literacy level beyond the 8th grade level.

  22. Daniel Radcliffe Cracked Out Noel Coward Theatre
    Dooshus
    Commented on this photo:

    “…he looks like Frodo carrying the One Ring if the One Ring was forged by Walter White. ” Fish, you are a blogging juggernaut.

  23. Does this mean Emma Watson is going to get naked, or what? Someone give me the TL;DR version with the good news!

  24. Fantastic Beast: Cash Cow

    Where to find it: Roaming all over Hollywood

  25. Screw you guys, I’m excited.

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