Excerpts From Snooki’s Book

(Actual cover.)

The New York Post got a hold of excerpts from Snooki’s new book “A Shore Thing” which reads exactly like the epic tome you’d expect from someone who’s only read two books in her life – “Twilight” and “Dear John.” So right away I’m already impressed the entire thing isn’t nothing but photocopied STD tests results with smiley faces drawn on them. Except for the last one:

- “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
– “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”
– “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
– “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

So apparently she starts calling herself “Gia” halfway through because she’s too drunk to remember her own name. Awesome. That’s exactly who I want to read a book by. On that note, I can’t help but feel sorry for whoever got stuck transcribing the rantings of a schizophrenic midget obsessed with cock. That couldn’t have been easy:

SNOOKI: And then I was all, “Yo, I’m Lisa from Jersey Shore, you can’t make me go to jail for drinking. This is an America beach,” and the cops were all like, “Shut up, you fat ho, we’re the police and shit, so we’ll like do stuff.” But it was cool because the one was kind of hot and I’d probably give him a handy if he wasn’t all like, “Bitch get in the car.” I’m a woman, you know? My name’s Gia for fuck’s sake.
WRITER: You just used two different names to describe yourself back there.
SNOOKI: Sometimes I’m other people until I eat a pickle. Then I’m someone else and they like do stuff.
WRITER: …. *puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger*
SNOOKI: Shit, again? Gia was gonna blow that one. *looks at jar of pickles* Still do it? You’re the boss…

Photos: Getty