Excerpts From Snooki’s Book

January 4th, 2011 // 30 Comments

(Actual cover.)

The New York Post got a hold of excerpts from Snooki‘s new book “A Shore Thing” which reads exactly like the epic tome you’d expect from someone who’s only read two books in her life – “Twilight” and “Dear John.” So right away I’m already impressed the entire thing isn’t nothing but photocopied STD tests results with smiley faces drawn on them. Except for the last one:

- “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”
- “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”
- “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”
- “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

So apparently she starts calling herself “Gia” halfway through because she’s too drunk to remember her own name. Awesome. That’s exactly who I want to read a book by. On that note, I can’t help but feel sorry for whoever got stuck transcribing the rantings of a schizophrenic midget obsessed with cock. That couldn’t have been easy:

SNOOKI: And then I was all, “Yo, I’m Lisa from Jersey Shore, you can’t make me go to jail for drinking. This is an America beach,” and the cops were all like, “Shut up, you fat ho, we’re the police and shit, so we’ll like do stuff.” But it was cool because the one was kind of hot and I’d probably give him a handy if he wasn’t all like, “Bitch get in the car.” I’m a woman, you know? My name’s Gia for fuck’s sake.
WRITER: You just used two different names to describe yourself back there.
SNOOKI: Sometimes I’m other people until I eat a pickle. Then I’m someone else and they like do stuff.
WRITER: …. *puts gun in mouth, pulls trigger*
SNOOKI: Shit, again? Gia was gonna blow that one. *looks at jar of pickles* Still do it? You’re the boss…

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Who would read a book written by human waste? Bobbing for turds in a trough full of smegma would be more enjoyable. And rewarding.

  2. Whoo! Go Empire! Wait, those are the guys that only know killing and white uniforms, right?

    And from those excerpts, it appears sadly true that she did in fact write this herself.

  3. Mortimer Duke

    They all do not deserve any of it. However, because most Americans are losing their sense of class and refinement, this is the crap that they are forcing us reasonable folks to ingest.

    Remember when you had to be smart, or hip or meaningful to write a book?

  4. Lady Blah Blah

    This isn’t even funny. I’ve seen people die (in hospitals), this is like watching civilization die.

  5. Snooki
    kkat
    Commented on this photo:

    Ewoks were a strange and jittery type of folk.

  6. hmna

    I actually saw this fiasco on the shelf at Barnes and Noble the other day. I was trying to figure out how much they paid the ghostwriter. My conclusion: not nearly enough – or way too much, depending on how you look at these things.

  7. Boo Boo Muffin Butt

    Oh man, I haven’t seen the cover of The Ewoks Join The Fight in years. Good one.

  8. Wotwot

    I smell a Pulitzer! Oh no wait, that’s just fake-tan and burritos.

  9. SuperT

    Many bothans died to bring us these excerpts.

  10. McFeely Smackup

    I would rather punch Snookie in the head wearing steel gauntlets than read one page of her “book”. But then I’d rather punch her in the head than get a split-team blowjob from Miley Cyrus and Jessica Alba…it’s pretty far up my 2011 todo list.

  11. ntlj

    I can totally see her writing with crayons on her first draft.

  12. I hear Slimer was her ghostwriter.

  13. Snooki
    Meh
    Commented on this photo:

    That snooki on the bottom left?

  14. Here’s my problem with this idiot, well, other than for some gawd aweful reason this no-talent, no-looks, no discernable positive quality person is a celebrity and makes millions a year being a docuhe. My biggest problem is that for soem reason she thinks she deserves to be with a guy who works out, is rich, takes care of himself etc etc etc …. SERIOUSLY???? Nasty, skanky, ugly, midget, fat chicks are holding out for Mr Perfect???? She should be happy if ANY man would be interested in her, but instead she acts like gods gift to penis!!! Now she wants to look all intellectual and shit by ‘writing’ a book and not only does it get published people probably were buying it over Christmas!!! That’s the problem!!!

    People are watching her and are ACTUAL FANS of her!!! They look UP to her, figuratively of course. They speak like her, they dress like her, they act like her and her idiot co-stars!!! You see it everywhere with people between 12-25 years old!!! The dumbification of Western Civilization is in full swing folks. Snookie is the new Emily Dickenson!!! Jersey Shore is the modern day Masterpiece Theatre!!! Someone drop the bomb already, the world needs a cleansing ….

    • Personally, I expect some kind of supervirus to claim 70% of the world’s population sometime in the next 20-25 years. I’ll call it “Black Plague II”, and frankly at this point, welcome it with open arms.

    • Lady Blah Blah

      My sentiments exactly.

  15. Anonymous

    Schizophrenia has nothing to do with multiple personality disorder. At all. Just thought I’d point that out.

  16. Snooki
    chynasclit
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s dreaming of the chocolate factory.

  17. Lux

    I want to slap Access Hollywood for making my fifty year-old parents speak of this at dinner.
    Thanks, Billy Bush.

  18. Hattrick

    You are the funniest fucking guy (I assume) in the world. I read your blog religuously and laugh, but this is the funniest post yet. Bravo. Please be single.

  19. Blech

    These excerpts remind me of the time I saw Chelsea Handler books at Borders. I wanted to barf on both occasions.

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