Everyone Seems Very Surprised Amy Schumer Has A Boyfriend

Meet Ben Hanisch. He’s Amy Schumer’s new boyfriend, so we already know he’s got a yeast infection and genital warts if her standup is any kind of reliable barometer for those sorts of things. Anyway, everyone’s geeking out that they met on Bumble, the app that empowers women to initiate getting fingered in an Arby’s bathroom instead of arranging that on Tinder, because feminism? I have no idea why any of this is important. Via E! Online:

Multiple sources confirm to E! News exclusively that the pair met on a dating app titled Bumble. In fact, Ben created an account in early 2015.
For all those not up to date with technology, the mobile phone matchmaker allows the women to always make the first move. If she doesn’t say something to a new connection within 24 hours, that connection disappears forever.

And since everything Amy Schumer does now is a triumph for women, I guess it’s some kind of victory that the patriarchy wasn’t involved in her choice to get dick from a former HGTV consultant turned furniture designer who put together this perfect dining room table for that contemporary, style-conscious pedophile.

White swing set table finished and shipped!

A photo posted by benhanisch (@benhanisch) on

Seriously though, this credenza he made is pretty sweet. Can any of you lend me the probably $20K it costs and explain to me what the fuck you even use one of these for?

Here is a recent credenza.. 8′ long, solid walnut, and mixed hardwood doors. A photo posted by benhanisch (@benhanisch) on

Oh, right, it’s for storing everything Amy’s going to put in your ass during sex, another piece of the vast, disturbingly intimate wealth of knowledge we all have about your girlfriend. Welcome to being famous, Ben.

UPDATE: Amy Schumer wants to make it very clear that she did not meet her new boyfriend on Bumble.

This changes nothing about the pedophile dinner table. Stay focused.

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