Eva Longoria really really needs her makeup

July 11th, 2006 // 192 Comments

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Just in case you never believed in the power of makeup, this is what Eva Longoria looks like without it. So the next time you’ve got your pants down masturbating to pictures of her in a bikini keep this picture in mind. Because apparently she’s a gnome. And that turns you on.


  1. HAHAHAHA, this pleases me, greatly. I think i just had a little orgasm. I can’t wait to show this picture to my dumbass boyfriend’s MAXIM reading, probably-masturbatin’-to-airbrushed-Eva-in-a-bikini self. if she can be a model, so can I. or any ugly ass bitch with makeup pancaked on, fake little whore. she is so obnoxious.


  2. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Queen LaQueefa is a doody-head!

    Black people eat lots of fried chicken, too!

  3. Queen LaQueefah

    Hey, at least you responded in an intelligeble way, I can’t say that for most of these other low-brow morons. I mean, a lot of those comments are just plain dumb. I’m sure you can understand my eye-rolls (not frowns, it’s really not worth a frown). There are SOME people here who make comments that are actually funny and worth reading, so that’s why I come back. Plus I’m at a desk job all day and it’s a nice break from other bullshit. That said, back to the main topic. Eva Longoria is nothing special, I never thought she was at all. I swear if she was standing on top of my car I probably wouldn’t even notice her until she started posing and waving like she was hot shit.

  4. aliciasarah

    bitch got a mustache.

  5. The sad thing is, she still looks better than the other women on that show.

  6. ob1

    Black people have desk jobs?

  7. PapaHotNuts

    She has a job cleaning desks.

  8. Bogart

    Hey queefy

    I guess all the jokes about white people that black comedians make on BET on Comedy Central every single day are ok? Well, they’re ok with me because THEY ARE A JOKE. Ever heard of something called CONTEXT? It’s too bad you are just a victim of special interest group manipulation.

    There are two types of people in this world. Those who are entertained through laughter and happiness, and those who are entertained through anger and hate. Obviously you are the type that is here because this site makes you angry.

    BTW – “Racism is not superficial, it’s downright retarded.”

    What are you retardaphobic?

  9. justlikehoney1

    #45 – Because she’s making so much money, this look is even more unacceptable. No need to get all dolled up but at least brush that nest into a decent ponytail, put some Carmex on & throw on a pair of shades! She looks a hot ass mess. period.

    #57 – Please don’t judge us according to the uptight Queen. We can definitely take a joke :)

    #67 – Yep, watermelon is damn good!

    #103 – then just read the comments and stop picking a fight with folks who are “low-brow morons”. your ranting & raving will only make it worse or hadn’t you noticed? just some friendly advice from a cool black chick….

  10. bigponie

    Queen LaQueefah

    the only racist pig around here is you, sounds like you hate everyone here and you don’t even know us.

  11. she looks like Jerry Seinfield. horse teeth! bwahahaha

  12. pinky_nip

    Do you know about the world’s shortest book?

    Blacks I Have Met While Yachting

  13. justlikehoney1

    #112 – LMAO!!!! I’m gonna need to borrow that gem from you pinky


  14. Queen LaQueefah

    Yeah, you guys are right. I’m DEFINETLY a racist. That’s the most accurate observation EVER! I never said I hated anyone, please find that and quote me.
    Please, also find the part where I’m picking a fight. If someone says something stupid I’ll call attention to it, just like everyone around here does.
    Just some commentary from a cool chick who only points shit out. Chill, babies

  15. PapaHotNuts


    You are my Nubian Queen for having a sense of humor. If ever you need some vanilla in that dark chocolate, holla at a cracka.

    Peace and a can of hair grease.

  16. ob1

    @ 107 Oh, got it thanks for clearing that up Papa.

    As for liking chicken and watermelon……..if you don’t like chicken and watermelon there’s something wrong with YOU, that shit is delicious.

    Oh I almost forgot….. white power.

  17. adamstevens123

    She only looks good when she is airbrushed or “Tammy Faye Baker’d up”. She is a dirty cunt bag also. Didn’t she scream at some parking attendant guy on Thanksgiving or something? Dont those guys make minimum wage? What a snob. She acts like trash and she finally looks like too.

  18. jFp

    did I mention…..THE BITCH GOT A MOUSTACHE!

  19. Jacq

    I bet that Queefey doesn’t feel too well because, while chowing on watermelon, she accdentally ate some of the rind.

    I’d rather look at her moustache than her dimpled ass. Looks like chick got spanked with a World Cup Soccer cleat!

  20. lagunadude

    at least her teeth are real, i think. when i click on the bikini link i completely forget about her mustache.

  21. spacey

    her stache impresses me
    but i’ve definitely seen worse

  22. Oh Superfish, why have you done this to me?
    Now I have nothing to live for.

  23. WhoDonDunnit?

    What in the hell is going on with her upper lip?

    Is the lighting bad, or did she just drink some chocolate milk?

  24. I should be voted sexiest biatch alive!!!

  25. Justin Igger

    @106 What the fuck? I got a deskjob. I sit at home at my desk and collect welfare. Keep up the good work, my 4 kid’s depend on you. The force is with you.

  26. TaftHartley

    That’s totally Joseph Stalin!

  27. jane's eyre

    Saints preserve us, someone else is pretending to be MeganHarris?


    Nikk the Templar is one of her friends(!!)

  28. azcoyote

    Wow…. Apparently with enough makeup, I can make my balls as pretty as Eva Longoria…

    Holy sheee-at… She looks like an AIDS patient who just got back from her teeth whitening…

  29. cat_taylor

    #5 that is the funniest fucking post I have read all day. Also strangely accurate.

  30. cookiemonster

    thats wut happens when u wear 90 pounds of makeup all the time u look like a weird old lady with big earrings
    now i no i can make my pet hippopotamus look pretty

  31. happy_bunny

    I don’t think she looks that bad, but she looks like a completely different person.

  32. cookiemonster

    yes i own a hippo
    dont judge me!!!!

  33. ValeWolf

    Mother of Jesus! She doesn’t even have eyelashes! And that’s Maxim’s hottest woman two years straight?
    See people? We always overrate celebreties’ bodies and faces… and talent and intelligence and morals…

  34. ob1

    @125 so being black an Italian are the same, I knew it;)

  35. funkygoldmedallions

    That’s not Eva Longoria. That’s the 14 year old Mexican kid from down the street who washes my car on the weekends for three bucks. I’ve always been jeoulous by how quickly he grows his facial hair. Damn you, Paco.

  36. MonkeyBoy

    (starts wacking off to makeup-less Eva)

    Hey, she looks better than all the ugly & overweight cows that graze at the local bars…

  37. Yeah, some jerk who want to get people to see my myspace page. I don’t care.

    anyways, Eva is NASTY.

  38. Richard

    Whatever — slap on the make-up, and I’d shag her rotten. Hell, even looking crusty, she’s better looking than most chicks out there that’d let me shag them. I am not a handsome man.

  39. RichPort


    Pretty fucking funny… ah the classics, how I love them…

    Though I could sworn the books “Honest Republicans” and “The French Who AREN’T Fuckheads” were each a page shorter.

  40. plymouthrock

    @77, yes it is Melasma, not a hairy mustache. If it were hair it would be easy to wax off. I have two female friends that have it, one really bad. They are always freaked out about it. It mostly occurs in Asian women and Hispanic women. It’s caused by hormones and too much exposure to sunlight. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melasma

    Now I could say something racist about the Asians and the Hispanics, oh, and something demeaning about women, but I

  41. paranoid asteroid

    I’m going to go ahead and say that she doesn’t look all that bad. Her skin tone is uneven, but her face is still pretty.

    Although, I must admit that I’m a little shocked by the mustache & if that is a skin discoloration… that’s an unfortunate location for it.

  42. funkygoldmedallions

    #112 and #139. I think the shortest book is actually called, “People who post on Thesuperficial.com who are funny.” The sequel is called, “Men who post on Thesuperficial.com who get laid.” The trilogy was completed with this title, “Men who post on Thesuperficial.com who have bigger mustaches than Eva Longoria.”

  43. aura

    oshkoshb-goshdammgosh, thank you for being endlessly amusing on this website. You make me lol everyday. True story.

  44. here

    Those kinds of grins come from poverty and diabetes. Try ‘em.

  45. justlikehoney1

    #115 – you got it, daddy ;0}

    I must warn you, though, that I really am just like honey – golden brown, sweet, thick and sometimes sticky!

    once you’ve had it, you’ll have high blood pressure like a diabetic….hee hee

  46. MamaK


  47. I really cannot believe thats her! She looks so old!

  48. TheTruthHurts

    she does look like a shrivelled little man with a mo…

  49. FecalPellets

    Wax can be your friend, Eva:)

  50. BorisJackoffski

    I never liked Eva because of her skinny legs and the way she looked without makeup in those old bikini pics. This picture just reinforces the fact that makeup does wonders for many actresses. Additionally, all you sensitive types need to lighten up. I am a Mexican American and I don’t give a f*ck what these guys say that you think is derogatory or racist. I’ll admit my momma crossed the border and I think it’s badass she did it and that she still cleans houses to this very day. I think it is funny that she has still not mastered English nor does she want to try. I’ll admit I like to take a delicious nap during work (it’s a power nap, very refreshing and eliminates my need for caffeine). I found the so-called racist remarks absolutely amusing. Furthermore, I don’t give a f*ck if someone complains about what they think is racist. The point is that you shouldn’t get hot and bothered over mere words such that you need to complain. This is free motherf*ckin’ speech people.

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