Eva Longoria is a terrible liar

March 22nd, 2006 // 70 Comments

eva_longoria_liar.jpgEva Longoria, desperate to set the record straight after calling boyfriend Tony Parker an inexperienced lover and saying “I’m the teacher, especially about love”, took to the entertainment-news shows Tuesday to defend him. Longoria told Extra and Access Hollywood that “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher,” … and “I’m the student.”

It’s a little too late now to backtrack. By now everyone assumes that Tony Parker is a terrible lover and has a tiny penis. The only way to fix this is for Eva to have sex with me. I’m not sure what this will prove, exactly.



  1. butterflynans

    She has a boyfriend? I wonder if that guy from Nsync she was dating was the teacher or not? he was hot! i think he was the teacher~

  2. professor booty

    I’m tired of her.

  3. krisdylee

    This woman, and all the DH’s drive me to drink….

  4. Obadiah

    Maybe Tony’s wiener is small. She may have snapped half of it off with her big teeth.

  5. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    That’s funny, because when I was banging Tony Parker, we played “he’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper”.

  6. Aimtrue

    The teacher? What is too teach? She either finishes him off or she doesn’t. What would she have to teach him anyway? Not to get any in her hair?

  7. Don’t you love it how Eva was dating three guys at once (JC Chasez, Tony Parker, and her director on Desperate Houseflies) and – other than The Superficial – no one else called her a ho, skeeze, or slut. You can read all day about what whores Paris, Lindsey, or Tara are in People, Us, or the National Enquirer, but little Eva’s just having a hard time making up her mind. Didn’t she also say that the best sex she ever had was with her vibrator? So sad. Tony’s a Frenchman – aren’t they supposed to be the world’s greatest lovers? Or is that what they say to compensate for being the world’s weakest fighters? I mean, who hasn’t invaded that country?

  8. Maeve97

    #7- I dated a French man. And if I were to judge based on him, I would say that I would rather become a lesbian than deal with another French man.

  9. So basically what she just said is “I’m such a whore that I’m more experienced than an NBA player.

    You know that NBA players can have sex 24 hours a day if they want. This explains to me how she got to be famous.

  10. CoJo

    She needed to say something scandalous to compete with Teri Hatcher’s “revalations” about being finger-banged in grade-school.

    These desperate housewives really are desperate. What kind of a skank talks about her vibrator and her sex life in public like this? And how desperate is her “boyfriend” or should I say “Flavor of the month”? How did she soften that blow?

    And #7 – I think they are all a bunch of coke-whores to be honest. Tara Reid just looks like the most fun out of them all.

  11. Italian Stallion

    Anyone want to no why her teeth are so white? Skeet Skeet Skeet LOL

  12. turdhead

    I have no idea why the ambassador of the rat people keeps making #1 on all the hot lists. She may have a nice body but she is still a rat person, and I can never condone interspecies breeding, with the obvious exception of cat girls and tentacle beasts.

  13. I like it when blogs call her Eva LongWHORIA.

  14. SpiderMomma

    Maybe it would prove that you are either a better lover than Parker or you have a bigger penis than Parker or maybe both. I’m sure the dinner table discussion between Eva and Parker is going to be interesting. tee hee

  15. gogoboots

    I’m bored over all the DH women, can we please have someone else on here to take up the space that these nobodies take up?

  16. suburbanlegend

    So basically, her athlete boyfriend takes a lot of shit (and loses some macho points) when his girlfriend comes across as the more sexually experienced one. So she recants with this feeble, “No no no – I meant to say HE BANGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME!” attempt. What a whore! (and I do mean that literally)

  17. santori

    #7 As you might know if you didn’t get you history lessons as well as your jokes from Jay Leno, the French military dominated Europe for a fair portion of the last thousand years and the country’s been invaded no more than any other continental power. Which is not very interesting. What is interesting: Notre Dame, Voltaire, Serge Gainsbourg, oral sex.

  18. Tania

    #2: I’m completely sick of her too. I think her voice is annoying (nasal & tranny-esque).

    She thinks she’s the hottest thing around. Somebody needs to let some of the hot air out of her pretty little head.

    And about the sex thing: She strikes me as the type that just lies there like a dead fish.

  19. According to a recent study, French men have the world’s largest cocks.


    You cannot argue with science.

  20. Santori,
    I do know my history, and other than Napoleon the French have used their manipulation of the papacy or royal marriages to consolidate their “power”. The Romans kicked their asses, The English under varied rulers (most notably Henry V)subjugated them at will, and need I remind you of the Germans in WWI and everybody’s favorite sequel, WWII? I could throw in a couple of jokes about the French military, but that would be pointless. Are you French? If you are, I am truly sorry for you. Nothing to brag about but wine and cheese. As for you link about French cocks, I direct you to post #8.

  21. Havet

    #8 – I totally agree with you!

    Why does she tell people such stuff? Why would anyone be interested hearing abt their *private* sexlife?
    Keep it to yourself please.

  22. Chicagoboy

    The only thing worse that discussing the DH is arguing about how weak the French are. Santori, give it a rest, if you like France so much, buy a plane ticket and go there. Tired of Eva already, somebody tell her to just shut up.

  23. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    #19, I refuse to believe the average American penis is 5″. There is no way, at least in my experience… oh, wait… they must be white.

  24. Topaz Vamp

    She’s so lame and slutty. Article about her:

    N SYNC star JC CHASEZ is obviously failing to satisfy his girlfriend, actress EVA LONGORIA, in the bedroom – she has confessed her best sex of the past year came courtesy of her vibrator.

    Speaking candidly to ROLLING STONE, the sexy star of American TV hit DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, admits she’s a big fan of her Rabbit sex aide when it comes to carnal pleasures.

    She reveals, “I own two. I have the Rabbit one, and I give that as a gift all the time.

    “It’s the best gift to give – an orgasm. If I can’t do it for ya, I’ll give you the tools to succeed.”

  25. Topaz Vamp

    I’d like to add that I don’t think there is anything wrong AT ALL with using a vibrator – I just don’t like her desperate bids for attention by trying to create this contrived sexy image.

  26. like throwing a hotdog down a hallway…

  27. A sexually inexperienced basketball player?

    Coach Longoria: C’mon Tony! Remember, Pick & Roll… in my vagina.

    Tony: Coach, I need a breather.

    Coach Longoria: Drive into the lane!

    Tony: I’m…I’m…

    Coach Longoria: What? Oh no! You’re dribbling in my backcourt!

  28. She sure does have a huge ego for a rat. Every time I see an interview with this girl she is talking about how great she is. I can’t wait until her 15 minutes are up. I’d take any of the other DH trolls over her and that’s saying alot.

  29. Topaz Vamp

    Another reason Eva is annoying…

    Eva Longoria Lost Jobs For Being Pretty

    Some may say that Hollywood is a hard business to get into if you don’t look good enough, but now Eva is saying she looked too good for some roles…

    “‘I’ve lost a lot of jobs because I was too pretty. And everybody’s like, ‘Oh, poor you.’ But seriously, you don’t get the good roles when you’re beautiful.’”

  30. Producer of show to Eva’s agent. “Hi, Babs, it’s Jake from Miramax, yeah, we hired Ali Landry, Your girl just didn’t have the acting chops, was a bit of a bitch and had a ratlike appearance that we thought would turn off male viewers.

    Eva’s Agent to Eva….um, sweety, Hi, yeah, it’s me. They went with somebody else. Everybody there absolutly LOVED you but apparently they were worried that you were too pretty and that would detract from the storyline

  31. Grphdesi23

    She should go back to Soap Opera land where all the ‘beautiful people who can’t act’ go.

  32. I agree with the poster, she should have sex with me instead though.

  33. Jacq

    I live in San Antonio. My boyfriend almost married the black sheep step-daughter of Peter Holt, the Spurs owner. I can vouch first-hand that Tony is an effen communist. Painfully polite, but a communist.

  34. katie

    while it is amusing that she said that, no one has commented on the fact that the poor kid is just that. a kid, hes only 23!

  35. Jacq

    Here’s a great French joke:
    Two Brits, a man and a woman, and a Frenchman were riding on a train. They approached a tunnel and as they passed through it, the lights on the train went out. In the car could be heard a loud “SMACK”. Once they emerged into the daylight again, the Frenchman was clutching his cheek. The British woman thought, “That Frenchman must have tried to kiss me in the dark and missed. The other man must have hit him.” The Frenchman thought, “That Brit must have tried to kiss that woman, but she accidentally hit me instead.” Meanwhile, the Brit was thinking, “I can’t wait until the next tunnel so I can slap that French bastard again.”

    One more…
    A husband and wife go out for a pricey, gourment French dinner. The husband tells the waiter, “I think that I’ll have the filet, please. Rare.” The waiters says, “But sir, what about ze mad cow?” The husband says, “Oh, she’ll have a salad.”

  36. HughJorganthethird

    Tony parker is fucking French. He won’t really be attracted to her until she quits shaving her pits and straps it on.

  37. Jayne

    How embaressing must it be to be her b/f when she doesn’t stop keeping bedroom secrets to herself.

    I guess Eva and Terri are having a *which sex story gets more attention* contest alongside Nicolette dry humping Bolton wherever they happen to be.

  38. BarbadoSlim

    I’m sick of this dumb cunt DH will be cancelled expeditously, I hope, and she’ll join the ranks of pathetic has beens either at E! or VH1.

    As for the French the fact is they were a dominant military power for quite a bit longer than the US has been around so take your Republican propaganda and shove it up your rectum. And yes their GOVERNMENT folded in WW2, and no I’m not French. Oh, and the 13 colonies would probably still be part of the British commonwealth if it wasn’t for the Frenchies (who went bankrupt btw) drunken little band of slaveowners.

  39. BarbadoSlim


    last sentence should read: to help our drunken little band of slaveowners.

  40. HughJorganthethird

    “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

    Love that line. Almost as good as “French rifle sale: Only dropped once!” and “French tank sale, only goes in reverse”

  41. Dee

    what a dingbat…

  42. seaglass

    After this interview, Eva Longoria unhinged her jaw and ate Tony Parker whole.

  43. bootface

    I’d still fuck her

  44. Doobieous

    Hey Santori: Well, apparently large cocks don’t mean the French are hot lays, and besides, I don’t think the French are topped by any other culture in self aggrandizing, arrogance, and egos to match their large cocks.

  45. The Boom Boom Bap

    Bravo, Santori. Ignominious military efforts aside, France and the French are true lights of promise in this bleak and declining world. The best wine? French. Some of the world’s most beautiful women? French. A language unmatched for its beauty and descriptive power? French. Paris is one of the world’s great cities, French philosophy continues to be the standard by which other systems of thought are judged…and let’s not forget that French women taught the world how to f**k.

    Maybe if Parker had been home-schooled we wouldn’t have to endure yet another lame anecdote from dEva Longoria.

  46. QOTD

    OMG! She is so damned stupid! I hate her!!!

  47. jennyjenjen

    Hey Unwashed Masses, it’s nice to hear someone “speak” who know’s their facts. I live in the Midwest luckily near Chicago, anyway, itis home to the most ignorant group of fools. Reading the editorial section of my paper makes me want to punch someone. Need I remind you all of “Freedom Fries?” I consider myself to be educated, attractive, well-mannered and I come from a fine family. I had a date with a Frenchman in Cuba once, he was so rude he made me feel reduced to the vulgar -stereotypical American. Of course, he was just one Frenchman….

  48. TaiTai

    Just wondering…if he’s French and his last name is Parker, wouldn’t it be pronounced Par-KAY? (Butter! No, Park-KAY!) And everybody knows those anorexic chicks don’t eat butter.

  49. URalllosers

    The only way for Parker to redeem himself is to publicly dump her and call her out as too sluty for his style. Of course that would mean losing the hottest piece of ass he has ever had.

    He is a pro baller and I can only imagine that he could quikly pull something better. This could also help him get more experience.

    Why is his agent not giving him this advice?

    Why do we hate France again? Oh yeah, those FOOLS thought this war was a bad idea.
    Chicken shits.

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