Eva Longoria crashes honeymoons

June 30th, 2006 // 65 Comments

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Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban flew to Tahiti on Monday to get away from paparazzi for their honeymoon, but when they got there they found Eva Longoria and Tony Parker staying at the same resort. Their plane landed just minutes after Nicole’s and they’re staying just a few meters down the boardwalk at the St. Regis resort in Bora Bora.

If there’s any way to ruin a honeymoon it’s to share it with Eva Longoria. Not only will your husband be staring at her the entire time, she’s also a freak in bed. Which means you’ll have to try to make love to your husband with Eva screaming like a monkey in the background and saying things like, “The butter! Use the butter! Where’s the Dong Master 3000? Dip it in the butter! It’s time for the donkey. Get the donkey out of the bathroom. I need the donkey!”

NOTE: I don’t know what a Dong Master 3000 is. I don’t even know if it exists. I just made it up, so please don’t try to look it up you sick sick pervert.


  1. jnk32


  2. Personally, I prefer a Chin Dong, but that’s just me.

  3. Fugurself

    Its nice to see that America can come together on one topic.
    Not giving a rats ass about “Eva Langoria”. Warms my heart.

    PS: Please stop those “first” statements. They easily identify you as the site idiot.

  4. jane's eyre

    I think the Superfish guy is missing the point here. Keith wouldn’t be staring at Eva, he’d be lusting after her boyfriend.

  5. jane's eyre

    Technically MeanNate would be “first”, because he took the time to ACTUALLY COMMENT ON THE STORY, and not practically pee his pants in his excitement to be “first”.

  6. jane's eyre

    Did I say, “practically”? I take that back. Time to go change your underwear, jnk32.

  7. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Yeah, Eva Longoria would ruin your honeymoon, because she’s so hot. That’s like saying Paris Hilton would ruin a trip to the titty bar by acting too prude.

  8. dr. kenneth noisewater

    I don’t give two shits about Eva Longoria so I’ll just comment on how much Meggan Harris loves the cock…prolly more than Tom Cruise.

  9. Nikk The Templar

    Why hasn’t Eva LongWhoria contracted Beastman AIDS and died yet?

  10. Well, at least they will shake the paparazzi. If Eva’s there, they’ll spend all their time getting photos of her and forgettinga lla bout Nicole.


  11. cruzin333

    Eva is ok with makeup on (sometimes) but in this picture she just looks like shit.

  12. cruzin333

    #4 LOL so true, I liked that comment

  13. hisforalways

    Can someone please explain who the fuck Tony Parker is?

  14. hisforalways

    Okay nevermind I now know..Spurs, basketball..yeah.

  15. Tom Cruise = Cult Puppet

    The Dong Master 3000 is a hand-made drilldo especially made for Eva’s delicious twat. The drill itself is industrial grade and can penetrate concrete with no problem. The carefully attached dildo has to be constantly lubricated with butter to avoid injuring Eva’s hot box.

  16. dr. kenneth noisewater

    Tony Parker is the guy who’s dong is gonna look like a doggie chew toy after Eva is through with it on their honeymoon

  17. causewerecountry

    i’m in love with a tow truck driver….amazing sex

  18. Getitstraight

    @ #13 – He is a basketball player.

  19. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    15 – Thanks a lot. My vagina just ran whimpering into the corner and I can’t get it to come out.

  20. Brak

    Why does Eva have Garth from Wayne’s World’s hair..?

  21. Fugurself

    On a related topic, I heard Evais in negotiations to transfer some of her sizzling
    on-screen sexuality to the page – by penning a raunchy novel…..then I thought……

    Eva is doing what all the trollops of HOLLYWOOD get around to doing-selling themselves.
    She is going to cement her “bitch” persona by telling us soon that she likes to
    receive flowers before she gets it in the ass. Or how she swings her leg on top of
    her boyfriends head while he chews her out.
    Eva, noone cares about your bony ass instruction set on plooking.
    Advertise for those future slutty roles they’ll be giving you.
    Love scenes,cock scenes or just you running around with Depends on.
    What a dope.

  22. jane's eyre

    LOL, Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World, Partytime, Excellent!



    I didn’t know DeWalt was making dildos now. Yee-ouch.

  23. RichPort

    Actually, I am the Dong Master 3000. And yes, she does like butter.

  24. Dr.Rokter

    “Dong Master” is actually the official title of a 23rd level Freemason. And before people start in on Nicole Kidman, anyone who doesn’t get a pants-rending boner thinking about the scene in “Days of Thunder” when Tom Cruise plays with Matchbox cars on her thigh is a goddamn French queerbait who lives in his hooker mom’s basement and is pathetic and masturbates pathetically all the time like some kind of fucking pathetic loser retard.

  25. Sloppyseconds

    I never took Nicole for a screamer the way I’m sure Eva is. Well, if I saw Tom’s throbbing cock, I’d know I’d scream, butter or no butter.

  26. Precisely

    Why is this news? They show up at the same place/same time. Who cares.
    Oh and..Tony’s hot.

  27. I do know that there is no such thing as A Dong Master 3000 but may I reccomend the Fukuoku 9000! That is real and something Eva or Nicole would like, I should know I sell them I am a sex educator and not a pervert just because I know about sex toys.

  28. Fugurself

    Anyway, I like big titty soap actors like Eva, stay at home and chit chat with their
    girlfriends about the cock their not getting and the gamely scent between
    their legs because of the lack of it. Have a couple of studs in the script
    as window washing and lawn mowers, as the chicks fiddle with their hair and gush all around,
    while thinking about groping the young mans balls.

    You know the rest. Commercials for cock thickening lotions and pills.
    Douches and shampoo and then back to the whoring!

  29. RichPort

    Paris Hilton is staying at the same resort down the beach in a part called Whora Whora.

  30. jrzmommy

    I hope Nic has her SPF 385748957493579 in Tahiti (of all places for transparently fair-complected redhead to be).

  31. jane's eyre

    I imagined you saying that last sentence very quickly, your eyes darting back and forth as you stashed your blind mentally handicapped midget porn away. HA HA

  32. The publicity whore that she is, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eva read Nicole and Keith’s plans, grabbed her French retard and took off for Tahiti to beat them there. With Desperate Housewives’ ratings looking desperate and her movie The Sentinel coming and going like a bad fart, she probably did crash a honeymoon to garner press. But in the end, who really gives a fuck? The only way I could summon up enough feelings for any of these celebs is if the resort they were staying at was attacked by man eating jungle monkeys and they wound up being on some rabid orangutan’s menu. And then I would laugh… oh, would I laugh until I cried.

  33. jrzmommy

    For this to happen to Nicole Kidman on her honeymoon must mean that she is working off some major bad karma—I do believe the name Nicole Kidman means Cross Maker of Judea.

  34. danielle

    what is with you idiots claiming “first”? so the hell what? seriously..are you in pre-K?

  35. jrzmommy

    I sware to God my kids –3 and 6 — have been doing this “I’m FIRST!” shit every morning and I find myself getting a little more than annoyed with them.

  36. jrzmommy

    What’s that “4% Famous” book over there on the right side of the webpage? (Do you all see that, too?) Anyone ever read it? Might have to get that to read at the beach.

  37. jane's eyre

    If it talks about Paris Hilton, I wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot pole. Her name alone invokes hordes of herpes viruses, which imbed themselves into the pages, waiting for the opportunity to leap onto the hands of unsuspecting readers, with a fierce battle cry of, “Paris Akbar!” (Paris is Great!)

  38. Do you think when he goes down on her he can smell Jamie Foxx’s cologne?

  39. danielle

    i’ve read it. it’s like a Clique meets GOSSIP GIRL type of novel. i loved it!

  40. Yoda a Green Schlong Has

    24. I would argue that anyone who has seen, or at remembers, “Days of Thunder” might be more of a “fucking pathetic loser retard” than those who are aroused at the sight of TC playing with Matchbox cars.

    38. Damn!!!

  41. jrzmommy

    38–ouch! good one. Okay, I’ll pick up the book and borrow a hazmat suit from our disaster team here in case I see the name Paris Hilton. It’ll completely give me fucked up tan lines, but I’ll at least protect myself from Hilton Herps.

  42. herbiefrog

    #0 so before i even read any of this shit…

    the point of the post is that…

    they chose the same


    resort? …and that’s it?

  43. NewPortJoey

    How about following some trendy gay male honeymooners for a change?

  44. herbiefrog


    ok i got to twelve…
    without reading much
    except 4

    …so this is
    …for real ?
    …or just
    … : )

  45. herbiefrog

    #24 thats letting

    it out


    > > > bit ?

    fuck off dude, welcome back : ) )

  46. andrewthezeppo

    Remember when she dated JC from N’Sync for like a year? Not really relevant, but still really hilarious.

  47. herbiefrog

    #29 thanks and i’ve taken you off the list

  48. herbiefrog

    #36 we have all ads off
    never se e


  49. herbiefrog

    #37 and…

  50. PaisleyMoon

    50th! Wooooooooooooooo. Fuktards.

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