Error Establishing A Database Connection?

September 2nd, 2014 // 23 Comments

Luther Desk Flip

And I’m taking a breather. See you guys later tonight, maybe tomorrow. It’s a mystery.

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  1. Cock Dr

    If you need help tossing that desk….I’m here for you.

  2. Hey Fish, I Googled some stuff about establishing a database connection. Hopefully this helps.

    1. Set your sights.

    Narrow down the field of databases your website is trying to make a connection with in order to fully concentrate on one, or a select few. Spreading your website too thin by trying to play the field with too many databases will dilute the message that it is trying to convey. If those databases find out that your site is trying to establish a connection with other databases, they may also become angry or discouraged and be less likely to want to host your content.

    2. Do your homework.

    Database connectivity is something that has to be built and maintained. It can happen overnight but in order to hold onto it, a database connection must be something that your website actively seeks to satisfy. Find out what is important to the specific database you have set your sites on. You can often find out what a database likes or assume what they like by examining the logs.

    3. Pay attention to detail.

    Simple things often times mean so much, especially to databases. Connectivity often times means that your website must pay attention to the things that a database really wants and being able to provide these things for it. Doing these things unsolicited and often will bring more acclaim and open its tables in ways that you could never imagine possible.

    4. Apply what you have learned.

    After your website has learned what the database you wish to connect to likes, it is time to put it into action. Waiting for prompts to take action often means you have waited too long and exceeded the connection timeout. This will shine through in everything your website does and will let the database know that your site is serious about performing transactions with it.

    5. Constantly convey the message.

    Your site must try to effectively communicate with the database you have chosen to make a connection with. Offer your updates freely without being overbearing or too whiny. Databases do not want to interact with websites they feel don’t show enough boobs.

    • JimBB

      And don’t forget to make eye contact. Databases see this as a sign of confidence and attentiveness.

  3. More Sales

    As of this morning you had more ads running at once,
    than they ran during the entire SuperBowl. Impressive.
    Today I counted 11 active ad streams at the same time,
    plus a shiny a new scrolling text feeder at the bottom,
    and two, count ‘em, two streaming live video ads.

    • cc

      It would be tremendously beneficial for many of those to go away. I know it’s not Fish’s doing, but f me it is getting a bit much.

  4. “Leslie, I just typed all your symptoms into the computer and it says you have Network Connectivity Problems.”

  5. Stop using techno crap from Microsoft and you will be amazed.

  6. Barcham

    Maybe you should dump egotastic.com and your server would work better. You could dump the stupid radio player at the bottom also but it’s easily blocked with the privacy settings in IE and I’m sure an ad blocker will block it in other browsers.

  7. Vlad

    It’s those damn pop-up videos in the bottom right corner for every freakin’ page that makes me want to do some desk tossing! And it eats up bandwidth which makes your server have a spastic colon all over your database, with bits of corn jamming up the works. Trust me, I worked in IT for 25 years…we had a term for it. PEBKAC.

  8. The Old Man

    Did you try turning it off and on again?

  9. Hmm

    WTF is wrong with this goddamn site, is it being run on Windows 98 and AOL dialup?

  10. Ad World

    It’s kind of like a momma piggy with 10 teets.
    trying to feed 35 little piglets at once. It’s not pretty…

  11. Ad World

    Ad Revenue is directly related to the number of people
    who can actually load your page, before crashing again.

  12. Have you tried more pop ups? Maybe there aren’t enough pop ups to establish a database connection.

    I go to natural disaster porn sites hosted in third world countries with less popups than what show up here.

    • Hmm

      Pop ups, what are these pop ups you speak of? I have Safari with Ad Block and I don’t see anything on this site other than a black bar on the bottom with flashing lights in one corner. This is of course during the 1 hour a day this site actually works in the last few days.

  13. We haven’t heard from Don Zaloog since this shit-show started.

    Very suspicious… or he’s too busy fapping at the Fappening.

  14. You have as many posts about boobs as you have about crashing servers, and the last ones are not that sexy.

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