Emile Hirsch Found California Justice In Utah

“So, the judge said you could direct me to the cell with the blowjob buffet and the tanning bed?”
“Right this way, sir.”

Emile Hirsch is a drunk asshole who parties with Lindsay Lohan, and it now appears she’s gained the ability to blow legal strategies right into your dick, because Hirsch just received a classic Lohan sentence for almost strangling a woman to death at Sundance this year. Via Deadline:

Facing five years behind bars for felony and misdemeanor charges resulting from his violent and drunken January 25 nightclub attack on Paramount Digital VP Daniele Bernfeld, Emile Hirsch began serving 15 days in jail starting today after pleading guilty as part of a deal.

15 days out of a possible 1,825. I’m no math scholar, but that’s less than 1% of the time he could have done, and nobody’s even disputing whether he did it or not. He plead guilty and copped a wrist-slap plea deal, all the while claiming he has no memory of the event, which is another trademark Lohan defense. “Your honor, my client suffers from a rare form of narcolepsy, causing her to unexpectedly pass out, mouth open, throat fully relaxed, at times of high stress. Should it please the court, we could recess to your chambers for a brief, but intensely satisfying demonstration…”

Here’s shit-faced Emile Hirsch pissing into a potted plant, because have I mentioned he’s Lindsay Lohan with a dick? He’s Lindsay Lohan with a dick.

Photo: Getty

Tags: Emile Hirsch