Elisha Cuthbert continues her Hawaiian vacation with her boyfriend Guy I Hate Because He’s Not Me. As I’ve learned from you, astute readers, Elisha is Canadian. Does that mean she’s ineligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor? Because I’m pretty sure she deserves one, if not two. In fact, because I’m a patriot, I’d be willing to pin them on her chest. It’d be a laborious task, without question, but one I’d treat with honor and respect because dammit, do I love them stars and stripes. And, also, boobs. Don’t forget boobs.
Photos: Splash News
Hello there, persons of the male persuasion. Yes, you. It’s time to draw your attention to a dividing line that separates the mature and immature among you. Yes, that’s right – one of those celebrated lines that separates the boys from the men.
On this website as on many others, I’ve noticed a preponderance of comments from individuals who can’t seem to deal with a basic fact that pertains to being a female of reproductive age – a term, please understand, that includes not just the kind of female that gave birth to you, the kind that’s your sister or your friend, or someone else’s daughter. I’m talking about the females that turn your head on the street, that you flirt with in clubs – the kind you want to kiss and touch and have sex with.
That basic fact is: with very, very few exceptions, all of these females have cellulite or will develop it in the near future. Yep. Damn near every freakin’ one.
And I’m here, my friends with penises, to let you in on a little secret: the sooner you come to terms with this basic fact, the sooner you learn not just to accept but to love women with cellulite, the happier you will be.
It’s not healthy to dismiss beautiful women because they do not conform 100% to your fantasies. It does not bode well for your future if you cannot overlook a couple of bumps or indentations on the thighs that you want to get between, or on the curves that you’ve admired under cloth or in more flattering lighting.
Yes, you may yourself be physically perfect, a god in bed, a gazillionaire. You yourself may have bedded one of those rare women whose skin is as tight and smooth as a doll’s. Who knows, she might be your girlfriend or wife right now! She might, with diligent exercise, skincare, and diet, leverage her good genes and make it past 30 – or beyond – with no cellulite to speak of.
If so, more power to her! I only hope you can keep up, because if this website is any indication, she is a hot commodity that you may have to work very hard to retain.
Dudes: please accept statistics. If you automatically screen out the 97% of women who have cellulite and/or are prone to develop it as they age, you have dramatically reduced the pool of women who a.) will speak to you, b.) will sleep with you c.) are any fun to be around, c.) are any fun to sleep with, and d.) will keep anything decent to eat in the house.
Again, if you hit the jackpot – congratulations! I only hope that the charm, good judgment, and basic grasp of reality so lacking in your posts is firmly within your possession in real life. Because if it’s not, that lovely woman is likely to leave you for someone who’s more interested in traits not subject to genes, age, and gender. You know, like her sense of humor. The way she listens. Her patience. The way she does *that one thing* in bed (and I know you know what I’m talking about).
By all means, boys, if this message offends you, don’t condescend. Don’t lower your standards. But don’t be surprised if you find yourself frequently alone and unhappy, and unable to figure out why. Unhappiness frequently follows unrealistic expectations, and loneliness is the inevitable result of being overcritical of your fellow human beings.
You are of course welcome to speculate about how fat, ugly, and unlovable I am, and I won’t bother trying to dissuade you. I have nothing to prove. I wrote this in order to have a friendly and ready response to the bafflingly childish posts I see so frequently on websites devoted to scrutiny of our species’ most genetically fortunate. I intend to post it wherever it makes sense, and I encourage anyone who finds it useful to do the same.
Despite what you might think, persons of the male persuasion, I’m quite fond of most of you, and I wish you all the best.
i think she has a nice body; but wtf is going on with the face?
hey Deni, that’s going to catch up with you in about 2 weeks, so send us a picture then. do you really think that if you eat a whole cheesecake today, that you will be fat tomorrow? it doesn’t work like that hun.
listen, i can pick a hand full of girls who i actually know and are way hotter than elisha cuthbert. you are really lowering your standards. she has the ass of a 60 year old woman, and the same amount of cellulite as misha barton, yet you don’t point that out about elisha. I EXPECT MORE FROM YOU
to 102. lizbert – May 9, 2008 7:11 PM
lizbert…that is so incredibly well-written — not to mention so true. i think i love you…wait. mmmm, yep I’m pretty sure!
#102 – Tits or GTFO
#102– condense what you wrote to max of 2 paragraphs with a total of 15 lines, then your ;friends with penises’ might read you.
If not, find yourself some college gazette.
“i’m not full of shit ;)”
Deni #59 you are smoking. Way tighter body than this actress chick and her elephant legs; and thanks for keeping your hair natural brown.
PS: It’s time to step up to this!
to #106 – why thank you, friend with or without a penis : )
to #108 – tx for the incredible advice on making my way as an adult writer! i will immediately contact my college gazette, as i so obviously want a byline!
ah… i heart me some anthropology.
Amazing that she doesn’t have a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. I bet she smokes when she’s in the shower or at the dentist. These bitches glamorize smoking and keep this shit going for others who watch and think it’s the thing to do. Cancer-ridden assholes.
Fuck she looks like shit when she is not photo shopped.
That’s totally Tahmoh Penikett…Helo from Battlestar Galactica!