Dustin Diamond might have used a stunt penis

January 8th, 2007 // 44 Comments
dustin-diamond-sex-tape.jpg

Dustin Diamond has been claiming his leaked sex tape was a private video he made four years ago on a dare from some poker friends, even telling Dr. Keith Ablow that “We tried to stop it.” But David Hans Schmidt, who brokered the deal, says he’s sick of Dustin’s lies and claims the video was made last summer with the direct intent to sell.

“Dustin was in on this deal from the start,” Schmidt tells us. “He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it.” Schmidt showed us what he vouches is Diamond’s signature on a contract dated Aug. 27, 2006. Attached is a cover letter on which Diamond’s manager, Roger Paul, appears to have scribbled, “Let’s make some money!” Schmidt suspects Diamond has been doubly deceptive. “I have reason to believe that is not Dustin’s [manhood] in the movie,” says the agent. “You never see his face and his [manhood] in the same shot. If, in fact, he used a body double, I’m going to sue him for defrauding me, Red Light and the American public.”

Of course it wasn’t his real penis. I’m not sure modern technology has cameras capable of picking up objects that small. Technically it’s not even considered a penis anymore, more like an enlarged vagina. I believe the medical definition is “Vanilla Tootsie Roll.”

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  1. scoos

    what a douche.

  2. JoBOO

    FIRST!!!

  3. JoBOO

    Not FIRST.

    SHIT

  4. coma12

    That is just sad…

  5. ImaCracka

    Somebody actually bought that tape????

    4th!!!!

  6. GeneSimmons

    It looked more like a chewed up Popeye stick than a penis.

  7. Big Fig

    ‘Screech’ and ‘Penis,’ or worse ‘Screech’s penis’ are two words that should never be used together in the same sentence.

    Now if you’d excuse me, I’m gonna go wash my eyes out with bleach.

  8. yashi

    who the hell is this guy?

  9. libtard

    I wonder how one would go about getting an interview to be Dustin Diamond’s stunt penis? Wow. This is just so sad. Can’t even perform in his own sex video. Damn.

  10. Pointandlaugh

    A stunt penis. Heh. Sort of defeats the whole reason to have sex.

    Now, if I could get some schmuck to be a stunt-cuddler, a stunt-nagging-recipient, a stunt shopping companion, and a stunt Grey’s Anatomy watcher, I could get a lot more shit done.

  11. Of COURSE he was in on it. Remember, Colin Farrell got them to not release his tape, and Paris Hilton got paid big bucks because of the release of her tape. Anybody who thinks that this guy didn’t set this one up is fooling themselves. He is so desperate to get some fame back that he would give Kevin Federline a rim job on tape.

  12. schweet

    tee hee…screech has a little penis.

  13. unsob3r

    his beard disturbs AND disgusts me. seriously, wtf is up with his facial hair?

  14. ImaCracka

    #10

    That is the funniest shit I’ve heard in a while…..

  15. WillaKEB

    Actually, I suspect that Dustin Diamond really is just a HUGE TALKING PENIS.
    I have no reason to believe otherwise.
    Doesn’t his head look slightly…penile?

  16. cole007

    anything for a buck. I’ve never known a poor yenta like him, but he really is a poor yenta (going on his tiny penis=vajayjay theory) I mean, maybe he shoulda made a porno with Rosie O’Donnoll and thus triggered the end of the world? “God” would come down immediately from Heaven and say, “you have defiled nature,” and snuff us all out.

  17. I always loved getting flavored Tootsie Rolls on Halloween. You don’t see those much nowadays.

  18. Boogie Monster

    Who the hell is Dustin Diamond?

  19. spunkbubble on J.alba's face

    Time for a day job my friend. I could see schreech at a construction site. Maybe he’ll do gay porn. Him a Doogie Howser would be a hoot. Ahhh, let the fags have ‘em.

  20. yeah, who is this guy?

    http://www.carpemundus.com – #1 screech fan

  21. misanthrope

    He should have a stunt face.

  22. Kristin

    August 27th, 2006. My 17th birthday haha.

    Anyways.. He’s a weirdo.

  23. who is he?

    that must be pretty embarassing though.

  24. Ren

    Whoever that was in the video could go with the stage name ‘Limpy McFatChickBoner’.

  25. ToiletDuck

    ‘scuse me while I wipe leftover spaghetti, dinner roll and chocholate ice cream from my keyboard – who the FUCK would want to see Screech’s penis, real or otherwise imagined????

  26. On the flip side, the chances of Paris Hilton using a stunt whore are pretty slim.

  27. ToiletDuck

    To top it off, after playing with his dick, he picks his nose…

    Obviously, this is a major talent who should have his reality TV show coming up quite soon, judging from the other shit that’s on TV…

  28. Mo

    Agree w/#9…one would think it was embarassing enough just being known as “Screech” for life but to use a stunt penis because yours is too small…damn. Even Gary Coleman never had to suffer that indignity.

  29. First we find out Mr. Belding is gay, now this?

  30. RichPort

    I was a bit intimidated by Screech’s 5″ tool, my junk has been described as “cute”, but I feel better knowing it was a stunt cock. Thanks, Fish doode!

  31. sol

    dunno about a stunt penis, but i’m pretty sure they used streaks of makeup on his penis, sort a peanut-butter color, at the end of that one scene, the ATM. wait…ugh…sick.

  32. Carsten5577

    Don’t have a clue who he is but all hook-nosed Jew-boys look alike.

  33. lattygirl

    Well, great…you’ve officially killed my addiction for mini tootsie rolls.

  34. Boogie Monster

    ROFLMAO @ # 26. SO TRUE.

  35. the donald

    the whole tape is misleading – one of girls has a stunt anus (rosie o’donnell). you can tell it’s really rosie’s anus in the scene because one night after a 2 hour anal fisting session, her partner kelli went into the bathroom and left an astroglyde image of rosie’s anus on the towel, and the maid took a picture of it with her cell phone and posted it on the internet. true story. it’s more or less the exact same deal as the shroud of turin (well, except the image is from somebody who’s going to hell).

  36. What a tool (pun intended!), lol!

    It’s so obvious that this wasn’t accidentally leaked and 100% planned. First of all, he’s got these two *regular* women who he claims he just invited to his room from a bachelorette party, yet there just *happened* to be a gift basket of sex toys in this room for this spontaneous gathering (yeah, right, like the bride to be would have allowed the gifts she received to be used by her whorish friends).

    Oh, and let’s not forget to mention that these two *regular* gals perform like old French whores who’ve been selling themselves since the age of three. And that they happened to have a veil with them. And that Diamond himself never shuts the hell up throughout the entire video, like he’s emceeing, knowing full well that it was going to be seen by a huge audience. And that he keeps whirling the camera back around on his face for color commentary. If this was a private video, why on earth would he keep talking into the camera like this was a TV show or something??? Need I go on?

  37. dangersquirrel

    I actually know someone who boned screech, and she said he was as large as zack morris’s cell phone…..
    ok, it was me, and it is true that he is hung.
    i was drunk. very, very drunk and i thought it was funny.
    ewwwww
    i feel so dirty
    i need brillopads to scrub off the shame!

  38. aurealis

    What?! Why are we still talking about him? Geez I believe that he, Pauly Shore and Carrot Top should never be spoken of again. Unless it’s because they smacked Lohan in the mug, WHILE setting fire to Paris’ hair.

  39. seriously...

    Agggg…I agree, he head looks just like a giant penis…But I can’t even start to imagine why would anyone want to see this…let’s leave it at leaving form, having sex or even pretending to.

  40. seriously...

    Right, I think that would be living form, my english is far from perfect. Sorry!

  41. Kit

    who really gives a shit about screech. especially since we all know he’s such a cranky and bitter bastard. screech is not on my list of people from whom i’d like to see a sex tape.

  42. how weak….a stunt penis? does his not work???

  43. andy

    too bad it was his penis. His wife was questioned on Howard Stern about it, and Howard Stern would know if someone was lieing.

  44. james

    where is all the liberal tolerance and being nice to people no matter who they are.I take most of you all are liberal.Don’t really care for screech.Be nice people if this is all you got in your life i feel sorry for you all.

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