I really hope this isn’t true, but Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) supposedly has a 40-minute sex tape in which he engages in a threesome with two women and even performs a Dirty Sanchez.
Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he’s acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. “Just when you think you have seen everything in this business,” he tells us, “mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it.”
The working title for the sex tape is “Saved by the Smell,” but they should consider changing it to “The Last Video You Will Ever Watch” and then package a gun with every copy of the tape, so that after you watch it you can blow out your own brains. Because after you see a naked Screech wiping a women’s upper lip with her own feces I can’t imagine your brain could be thinking anything other than self termination. Kill the body to save the mind.
ScottInFlorida | September 27, 2006 at 9:56 am
Dang, I wanted to be second.
Flush it all away | September 27, 2006 at 9:57 am
I guess selling those T-shirts aren’t doing the trick…geez Dustin, do you really need to keep the house *this* badly??
griffmills | September 27, 2006 at 9:58 am
is Paris Hilton in it?
jrzmommy | September 27, 2006 at 10:05 am
Here’s a little itinerary I’ve put together to help T.O. finish the job…….It’s called the Lazy Sunday Suicidal Video Fest…..It includes ALL David Hasselhoff music videos back-to-back, Glitter starring Mariah Carey, Crossroads starring Britney Spears and ending with the Screech Sex Tape.
slantingthroughdarkness | September 27, 2006 at 10:06 am
Don’t you have to have sex in order to have a sex tape?
http://crabbieshollywood.blogspot.com
Shaun | September 27, 2006 at 10:06 am
I could just imagine the female he’s ridin’ with running her toes through his sweaty pubic hair like fro’.
This link – http://www.mrwoofus.com/pics/screechandspud.jpg – shows the Dustin and the director of his skin flick.
Shaun
Binky | September 27, 2006 at 10:11 am
# 4 The word on the street is T O did see the tape and that’s what finally put him over the edge.
(Not that it took much)
ch474 | September 27, 2006 at 10:12 am
He really didn’t need to use his dick when his nose is the size of the average white penis.
Not me though, hehe, I’m WAY above average.
edb87 | September 27, 2006 at 10:20 am
#4 – Thank you! I’m suprised Superfish hasn’t hopped on the TO bandwagon.
http://www.edquartersaudio.com
Brain Embolism | September 27, 2006 at 10:26 am
Sorry Superfish, my brain is already dead.
I’m just glad I’m not an ‘Angry Ferret’!
Dean | September 27, 2006 at 10:31 am
Maybe there’s a special guest appearance by Tiffany Amber Thiessen for a “Saved by the Bell” reunion?
CelebSlam.com | September 27, 2006 at 10:31 am
I’ve been waiting for years to get a glimpse of Dustin’s weiner!
http://www.celebslam.com
Jeremy1Esq | September 27, 2006 at 10:32 am
If Kellie and Jessie are in it, im getting a copy
combustion8 | September 27, 2006 at 10:35 am
Screetch has been in a threesome? That has to be a sign the world is about to end.
Hopeless_Screenwriter | September 27, 2006 at 10:37 am
Seeing Dustin Diamond in all his glory reminds me of the time I tried to fuck a diamond dusted jewelry box…
The lid kept slamming down on my penis.
Hopeless
magickal | September 27, 2006 at 10:37 am
Hehehehehehehehe. Dirty Sanchez. I just read the actual wikipedia definition (thanks, Superfish) and will now have that image burned in my brain forever. Not someone painting a shit mustache on another person, but SCREECH painting a shit mustache on a other person! Eewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
magickal | September 27, 2006 at 10:40 am
Oh, and SAVED BY THE SMELL??? OMG, I can’t stop uncontrollably laughing!
hamacus | September 27, 2006 at 10:57 am
A total Craniotomy sounds good about now. How am I going to live with the knowledge of what a Dirty Sanchez is, along with the thoughts of Screech having group sex rolling around my brain. Must…remove…brain!
Spindoc | September 27, 2006 at 10:57 am
I heard Anna Nichole’s son saw a screening of the tape right before….well you know.
86 | September 27, 2006 at 11:03 am
They should have called it 14:59.
PunjabPete | September 27, 2006 at 11:08 am
DD and a couple of “fours” engaged in a 3 way… Why do you do this to us Fish? Have you no sympathy? GAACCCKKK….
PunjabPete | September 27, 2006 at 11:09 am
IDENTIFIED: The only thing worse than being “that chick who gets a dirty sanchez on tape”….
Being “that chick who gets a Dirty Sanchez from Dustin Diamond on tape”…
I hope she lives on the ground floor….
shell | September 27, 2006 at 11:12 am
Dustin Diamond actually got laid?
Crow | September 27, 2006 at 11:15 am
Nooooooooo!
DrDanny | September 27, 2006 at 11:27 am
forgive my ignorance, but who is this cretin, and why do I care?
commissioner | September 27, 2006 at 11:27 am
jrz-
I loved Jerry Jones on Sports Center, vehemently denying T.O. was a very expensive liability.
I am absolutely frothing at the mouth to get home to watch ESPN!
Playfair | September 27, 2006 at 11:28 am
Disgusting! Someone had sex with Dustin Diamond?
popegoestheweasel | September 27, 2006 at 11:29 am
Pardon me while I wash my mind’s eye out with soap.
Angry Ferret Jones | September 27, 2006 at 1:37 pm
OK, these are four words that should NEVER be in the same sentence together: DUSTIN DIAMOND SEX TAPE.
Unless the sentence is: I had to use duct TAPE to keep DUSTIN DIAMOND from having SEX with my mom’s poodle.
Greasy_Fungus | September 27, 2006 at 1:40 pm
Well, it should be interesting. He stated on Howard Stern that he has a giant dong, not that I’m anxious to see it or anything, I was just saying that…nevermind.
UNWASHEDMASSES | September 27, 2006 at 1:41 pm
How much did those two whores cost him? He probably paid for them with the paltry shirt money he raised. All those supporters didn’t help beloved Screetch keep a roof over his head, but picked up the tab on a double helping of ass. Losers. And you can tell this isn’t one of those “oops” the sex vid got out (as if any ever are), but rather a planned assault on the senses. One can expect Dustin Diamond, here on out to be referred to as Double D, wisecracking his comedic turns as he plumbs the assuredly unattractive hookers’ nether regions. The culminating Dirty Sanchez will certainly immortalize Double D and his immensely popular career.
biatcho | September 27, 2006 at 1:43 pm
In other news, Mario Lopez is a raging faggot who happens to be a big fan of giving other men the Rusty Gillespie.
biatcho | September 27, 2006 at 1:44 pm
and if my 13 year old memory serves me correctly, I’d still probably want to fingerbang Mark Paul Goosehair.
TrannyGranny | September 27, 2006 at 1:45 pm
Holy Mohamad Fucking a Pig!!!
Never have I been so frightened of a sex tape being released, one accidental look could scare my penis into hiding for a week.
ToiletDuck | September 27, 2006 at 1:45 pm
This nerd is repulsive with his clothes ON, I cannot imagine what horrors to expect with them off…
Maybe he will catch fecal worms from playing with other people’s shit – infants play with their shit, don’t they??
BarbadoSlim | September 27, 2006 at 1:46 pm
This could mean the end of the Dirty Sanchez as we know it.
And also life.
Triumph Insult Dog | September 27, 2006 at 1:49 pm
Don’t watch it, it’s a TRAP!! As soon as you see it, you will not only lose your mind, but you will be hypnotized and compelled to BUY MORE T-SHIRT! This time for $49.95!!
http://www.blackbeatpress.com
This is a Rock 'n Roll Takeover | September 27, 2006 at 1:50 pm
I honestly have nothing to say to this one. I think the writer said it all. I’m shocked, I’m distrubed, I’m nauseated, and I’m fairly certain I’ll wake up screaming in the night for years to come. And that’s just from knowing this tape exists.
This is a Rock 'n Roll Takeover | September 27, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Whoa whoa whoa…I had to come back because I just had a thought…maybe it’s like in The Ring, where after you watch the tape you die…unless you pass the horror on to some poor, unsuspecting bastard. Whatever. Fuck ‘em! When it comes to Screech wiping his shit covered cock on a woman’s face, it’s every man for themself.
This is a Rock 'n Roll Takeover | September 27, 2006 at 1:54 pm
or himself…that works too. don’t smoke pot, kids!
Nora | September 27, 2006 at 1:55 pm
He’s a disgusting person, the whole “save my house” thing was a SCAM! He even on a morning radio show claimed he was poor due to “losing a baby”…what sick bastard uses a dead baby to scam people? I hope nothing but horrible things for him in life.
shmoody | September 27, 2006 at 2:01 pm
I just threw up a little in my mouth . . .
Ok now I just threw up a whole bunch on the floor . . .
Ok now I just threw up again because I thought, “Gee, which is worse? The very idea of this sex tape or the puke on the floor?”
shmoody | September 27, 2006 at 2:01 pm
I just threw up a little in my mouth . . .
Ok now I just threw up a whole bunch on the floor . . .
Ok now I just threw up again because I thought, “Gee, which is worse? The very idea of this sex tape or the puke on the floor?”
shmoody | September 27, 2006 at 2:01 pm
opps hit the post button twice sorry
DiabetesExplosion | September 27, 2006 at 2:02 pm
Doesn’t the guy have a huge wang? And let’s all be real here, we all want to see it. We stop and stare at accidents, disasters, et cetera so this thing should be no different.
Dragulf | September 27, 2006 at 2:06 pm
The dirty sanches has been renamed the diamond sanchez?
Binky | September 27, 2006 at 2:24 pm
Interviewed on ESPN’s SportsCenter – Owens said he wished to clarify that he was especially concerned about the effect of the film on Screech’s younger fans.
HolisticWisdomcom | September 27, 2006 at 2:58 pm
We typically do not sell sexual videos for entertainment, but we ended up carrying the Paris, Chyna and Pam & Tommy tapes because people kept requesting them. I am sure the same will apply here. It is like the rubber necking people do on the highway.
http://www.holisticwisdom.com/better-sex-video.htm
Ossie19 | September 27, 2006 at 3:03 pm
They should have a Saved by the Bell reunion. Mario Lopez says :
” I have been doing a lot of great things with my career, like hosting an animal talent show, Dancing with the Stars and cheating on the only attractive woman I will ever get.”
Screech then says ” Cool man, I finally had sex and it was with two women!”
A fight breaks out between the two of them while Zack Morris is in the background making calls on his gigantic cell phone.
Angry Ferret Jones | September 27, 2006 at 3:15 pm
Holistic – are you the hot chik on the site?