If you’ve ever had the distinct pleasure of having Dustin Diamond visit your college or you attended one of his shows, you will immediately support the validity of this e-mail I received. I’ve heard many a tale of how much of a jerkass Dustin is in person and, since it’s early Monday morning, I’m sharing a recent anecdote for you to enjoy. This story comes from reader Jeremy who, along with his friend “Gee,” had the task of picking up Samuel Powers at the airport last Wednesday. I now present to you: “A Kind of Long E-mail Where Screech Says a Bunch of Crazy Shit and Bombs at a Comedy Club But Sadly Does Not Feature a Cameo by Kelly Kapowski Who I Would Give My Left Testicle To Get With True Story”:
So, we got to the airport, we saw Dustin Diamond (whose only demand was that we don’t call him Screech or mention Saved by the Bell), and we approached him, telling him that we were there to pick him up. He asked if we worked for the State, and we said no, but we were there to pick him up, anyway. He seemed okay with that.
Once we got in the car, with his luggage barely fitting in the trunk, we started making awkward small talk. Gee asked him who his comedic influences were, and Screech gave him a few names (Brian Regan, George Carlin, Mitch Hedburg–who Screech says was his best friend). Gee asked him if he liked Bill Hicks at all, and Screech went into a twenty-minute tirade about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was. “Oooh, he’s an angry smoker who rants against the government, that’s really original. He stole his act from Lenny Bruce, who stole his act from some other guy, blah blah blah.”
Screech then talked to us about a wide variety of very strange stuff. To sum up: He loved Cloverfield, said that No Country for Old Men was “FUCKING horrible,” saved his house by selling 22,000 t-shirts (he signed 17,000 of them), including one to the lead singer of Korn. What else? He called the ending to the Usual Suspects (since he grew up in the industry, he saw through it). He wrote the script for Alien 3, but they didn’t use his ideas because they wanted to “remake the first one.” He’s invented fifteen different household items, including a holiday themed doorbell (it plays holiday music when it rings!).
He then browbeat Gee for having such a dirty car and spent the remainder of the ride giving us financial advice on how to stop being poor.
Well, we were told we were going to be compensated for the trip, plus we were going to be given free tickets to the show, but Screech chewed the manager of the State out because we didn’t work for the theater and the car wasn’t clean, so we got nothing.
This is when I went home and watched Lost. Gee went to the show. Screech hit the stage at 9:30ish. Gee says he was beyond awful. One of the jokes he told me, to give me an idea of the overall style, was that Screech compared having sex with an old grandmother with putting his dick in a grilled cheese sandwich.
Well, obviously, this irritated Gee, and the audience, so he seriously was thinking of walking out, at which point, after one of his more obscene jokes, Screech said, “By the way folks, I am available for children’s parties.” After having listened to Screech rant for twenty minutes earlier in the day about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was, Gee had had enough, stood up and yelled, in the middle of a very quiet theater, “Boo! That’s a Bill Hicks joke, you joke thief! Boo!”
So, what have we learned today? 1. Screech hates being called Screech or reminded that he was Screech. Because he’d be so much more famous if he weren’t Screech. Good one, Screech. 2. Screech sucks at comedy. Yet still books gigs. Who knows? 3. Screech had sex with a grilled cheese sandwich. Which is surprising because I figured melted cheese on bread would have higher standards. What did Screech promise you, Cheese? A chance to meet Mario Lopez? And you fell for it? Oh, Cheese. You’ve been using again haven’t you?
Thanks to Jeremy who’s cooler than burgers at The Max.
C’mahn! They’re not douchebags…..Dustin is.
That’s not Dustin Diamond! That’s Matisyahu the Hasidic reggae dude!
http://www.matismusic.com/
Check him out lookin all cool and smooth in the photo! What a nob-end.
The more you tighten your grip, Dustin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
Hey,
Yah his stand-up is the worst, here’s a video from a few years ago-
http://www.medicinefilms.com/watch?v=187233
It’s all sex jokes and SBTB jokes…how original.
@49- Why was your friend sucking his dick? Seems like she was asking for it.
Dustin Diamond is an assbag and everyone knows it. What is an assbag? Hell if I know, but he so bad he needs his own word.
No wonder he is such an asshole and no wonder why he keeps getting breaks.
I never really liked the character anyway (i was always getting distracted by the scattered titties and ass), but now i fucking hate the guy.
Joke thief? Bill Hicks a joke thief? What a fucking prick Diamond is. He thinks he’s going to get people to like him and laugh with him by insulting the sorely missed genius that was the prophet Bill Hicks?
Mother frakker.
Can we find out his take on “The Sixth Sense”? I am interested to know if growing up in the industry allowed him to figure that one out…
SCREECH IS A FUCKIN BLOWJOB. WE SAW HIM AT MY GUYS COMEDY CLUB IN THE SOUTH SUBURBS OF CHICAGO. THATS FUNNY YOU TOLD THE STORY ABOUT THE GRILLED CHEESE. I TRIED TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT HE SAID. THE GUY WAS A STRAIGHT FLLLLLOP. I WALKED OUT 20MINS INTO IT BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A BEATOFF. MY GUY OWNED THE COMEDY CLUB AND WAS LIKE “YEAH HES ONLY COSTING ME 1K” IM LIKE “BRANDT, THE DUDE ISNT WORTH $10″ LOW AND BEHOLD. PEOPLE LEFT RIGHT AFTER I DID, ONE BY ONE. I ALSO SAW HIM AT THE ITALIA FEST IN MILWAUKEE YEARS AGO, HE WALKED AROUND WITH HIS GF WHILE PEOPLE JUST POINTED AND LAUGHED. THEN HE TOPS IT ALL OFF ON VH1 SURREAL GARBAGE AND JUST HAMBONES HIS INTELLIGENCE AND FUNGSCHWAY.
Did you have to mention that he likes Cloverfield? That’s one of my favorite movies. Although I did like No Country for Old Men, so at least I’m spared from having a similar taste in movies.
Why the hell anyone cares about Screech, this article, or any of the comments above is beyond me. My only regret is wasting time by reading any of it.
Yeah, the student government at my school paid Dustin Diamond $5,000 to host homecoming at our school. He was absolutely terrible, rude, and inappropriate.
We had him at LSU when I was on the committee for such events. He rudely propositioned one of my friends for a bj….really? Screech? EW!
Remember when Skippy from Family Ties tried comedy after that sitcom? No, then you’re like most people. Being a geek on TV doesn’t make you a comedian Dustin.
I have no idea who he is, but no one should talk about Bill Hicks like that. We still love you in Britain Bill. R.I.P
I’ll defer to “what did you expect, the guy’s a complete douchebag”. Screech, haha. What a POS. Good story though!
Well – on the opposite, ran into him several years ago with my (young) son in Port Washington, WI. Very nice person, my kid had no clue who he was but the guy was nice enough to take the blow to his ego. Not sure what happened in the interim, but I found him to be a nice person and someone interesting to talk to.
Screech dissing Bill Hicks? \\wtf has the world come to? I now kinda hope for pancreatic cancer myself. Who books Screec h for anything? Mistake number one. People quit making it,
cool it with the anti-semitism…. jeez.
i don’t know if he’s jewish or not but it doesn’t matter to me if your quality of character is far down on the scale. what a cockhead.
my tattoo artist tattooed and him and said he was the biggest douche bag ever. i think he got a generic tribal, i saw the picture… trying to be hardcore or something.
Way to go screech. That stocking cap makes you look so edgy.
He looks like Joe Camel from the cigarette ads
Same dong shaped nose and everything
I feel sorry for Screech. He BEGS for attention. What does this say about who he is inside? It seems like he tries to get people to look up to him as an intellegent and funny guy – two things he is only partly- and there are people marketing off of this (VH1). God bless all those around him that have the patience for this walking disaster.
Who would go see Screech any way ? And I bet all of the people on that Bell Show stay clear of him now.
Looser.
He will check out ,,,soon.
R I P The Screech was here
Later SCREEEECH
I had to deal with him a few years ago at my college. I was working backstage (I had begged my boss to get someone else to do it) and he kept bitching at me. First because he only had a small portion of the stage, then because he wanted a different stool, then about the mic…
I tried not to listen to his routine, but I did catch some crap about beards that look like you just went down on a hairy girl. God, he was awful! Why won’t he just go away.
i saw him a few years ago but i didn’t think he wasn’t that bad…. i remember the grilled cheese joke though.
I’m not too big a fan of celebrity gossip, but this was an enjoyable read. He probably has an axe to grind with humanity for being Screech for the rest of his life.
Hey watchout people!……this guy can beat-up Arnold Horeshack
Screech isn’t fit to lick Bill Hick’s boots. If he comes to Texas, he’d better watch his scrawny ass. We don’t take kindly to unfunny comedians who call Hicks a joke theif, and then steal his jokes, or Sam Kinison’s for that matter.
It’s kind of amazing that with all of the actual reasons to dislike this guy, so many people here decide instead to out themselves as pathetic anti-semites.
**clap**
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkA6zugNMQ
*****JOKE THIEF!!!
Whats amazing is that of anything to make up he’d make up that he wrote Aliens 3.
Alien 3 was released in 1992.
With production the screenplay was probably written in 1989-1990
Dustin Diamond was born in 1977.
This phenom wrote aliens 3 at the age of 13.
I LOVE HOW HORRIBLE HIS DEMISE IS BECOMING.
I WISH WE COULD LOCK HIM IN A BASEMENT AND ASS RAPE HIM FOR 23 YEARS. WHAT A DICK.
You think he’s bitter that everyone else from the show ended up in real television shows and the best he could muster was Celebrity Fit Club?
You little name dropping bastard! I refuse to believe Mitch Hedberg would even acknowledge your existence, let alone befriend you. Then again, he was high a lot.
NEXT IN LINE BEHIND KRAMER…er, i mean michael lhsrs(mumble)…
i fucking hated that twat when i watched saved by the bell and i hate him still. i don’t understand why he continues to perform when he’s obviously hated by the rest of the population. surely he sees all of the nasty things written about him on the internet, all of the ridicule and hatred directed at him. i hope he cries about it.
I don’t know who “Jeremy” is, but I know the guy who wrote that article and I know “Gee” pretty well and there wasn’t anybody named Jeremy in the car. Good reporting!
Alright, I am sorry to be bring this party to a halt, but I live in Lincoln, NE and work at the State Theater as a bartender where this all supposedly took place. Our bar is about 30 feet from the stage and there were only about 75 people in attendance for both of his shows that night (one at 7:30 and one at 9:30). I would think that I would hear someone stand up and yell something, but to be honest everyone was laughing the whole time. At no point in time was there anybody who stood up and yelled “BOO! THAT WAS A BILL HICKS JOKE! BOO!”
I understand how people like to spread gossip and everything, but come on. You didn’t expect anyone who was actually there to expose this fairy tale?? I don’t care for Dustin Diamond as a person much either, but that is ridiculous. I might add that Dustin came over and talked to the three of us who were working the bar area and he was in no way rude whatsoever.
Dustin Diamond is rude and uncouth in some situations.
SO WHAT!
Half of the people posting here probably have the same personality offline.
So he insulted Bill Hicks…. big freaking deal.
Did Bill Hicks do anything to contribute to the safety and stability of anyone posted on this board… I doubt it.
I especially liked the way he smart talked Harvey on Fit Club. Even if Harvey would have beat him down its nice to see someone stand up to one of those military types who thinks he’s awesome because he was a brainwashed serial killer for political aims.
I like Michael Richards too. If my people can call each other the N word, why cant he?
Its not like he’s in our neighborhood killing blacks like our own people do.
Duston Diamond is just a regular guy like the rest of us. He hasnt murdered anyone, raped anyone, molested anyone, or abused any women as far as we know.
Stop hating on the kid.
That’s weird. I saw “No Country For Old Men” and “Cloverfield” back to back on the same night. “Cloverfield” was “FUCKING horrible,” although some folks (older folks, come to see what country they were not welcome in) thought the movie broke at the end of NCFOM.
@ 62 – He’s an American Icon. He’s the King of Dork. Actually I wished him well, hoped he got something beyond Saved By The Bell. Hearing lots of bad press, though.
@ 83 – And A3 stunk. Of course that’s cuz they didn’t use the ideas Screech had. Never saw a rehash of the first, though.
I unfortunately went to see him at a local comedy club in Orlando, Fl. My boyfriend and I walked out about 15-20 minutes into his act. #1 He was not funny #2 he is a douche bag and I don’t even have to know him personally to figure that out. He should be happy to be associated with such a cute loving character as Screech. I will pass on that book.
God what an asshole. I hope he googles himself and finds this link… He’s so pathetic he probably has already.