Dustin Diamond: A-Hole Extraordinaire

April 28th, 2008 // 98 Comments

If you’ve ever had the distinct pleasure of having Dustin Diamond visit your college or you attended one of his shows, you will immediately support the validity of this e-mail I received. I’ve heard many a tale of how much of a jerkass Dustin is in person and, since it’s early Monday morning, I’m sharing a recent anecdote for you to enjoy. This story comes from reader Jeremy who, along with his friend “Gee,” had the task of picking up Samuel Powers at the airport last Wednesday. I now present to you: “A Kind of Long E-mail Where Screech Says a Bunch of Crazy Shit and Bombs at a Comedy Club But Sadly Does Not Feature a Cameo by Kelly Kapowski Who I Would Give My Left Testicle To Get With True Story”:

So, we got to the airport, we saw Dustin Diamond (whose only demand was that we don’t call him Screech or mention Saved by the Bell), and we approached him, telling him that we were there to pick him up. He asked if we worked for the State, and we said no, but we were there to pick him up, anyway. He seemed okay with that.
Once we got in the car, with his luggage barely fitting in the trunk, we started making awkward small talk. Gee asked him who his comedic influences were, and Screech gave him a few names (Brian Regan, George Carlin, Mitch Hedburg–who Screech says was his best friend). Gee asked him if he liked Bill Hicks at all, and Screech went into a twenty-minute tirade about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was. “Oooh, he’s an angry smoker who rants against the government, that’s really original. He stole his act from Lenny Bruce, who stole his act from some other guy, blah blah blah.”
Screech then talked to us about a wide variety of very strange stuff. To sum up: He loved Cloverfield, said that No Country for Old Men was “FUCKING horrible,” saved his house by selling 22,000 t-shirts (he signed 17,000 of them), including one to the lead singer of Korn. What else? He called the ending to the Usual Suspects (since he grew up in the industry, he saw through it). He wrote the script for Alien 3, but they didn’t use his ideas because they wanted to “remake the first one.” He’s invented fifteen different household items, including a holiday themed doorbell (it plays holiday music when it rings!).
He then browbeat Gee for having such a dirty car and spent the remainder of the ride giving us financial advice on how to stop being poor.
Well, we were told we were going to be compensated for the trip, plus we were going to be given free tickets to the show, but Screech chewed the manager of the State out because we didn’t work for the theater and the car wasn’t clean, so we got nothing.
This is when I went home and watched Lost. Gee went to the show. Screech hit the stage at 9:30ish. Gee says he was beyond awful. One of the jokes he told me, to give me an idea of the overall style, was that Screech compared having sex with an old grandmother with putting his dick in a grilled cheese sandwich.
Well, obviously, this irritated Gee, and the audience, so he seriously was thinking of walking out, at which point, after one of his more obscene jokes, Screech said, “By the way folks, I am available for children’s parties.” After having listened to Screech rant for twenty minutes earlier in the day about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was, Gee had had enough, stood up and yelled, in the middle of a very quiet theater, “Boo! That’s a Bill Hicks joke, you joke thief! Boo!”

So, what have we learned today? 1. Screech hates being called Screech or reminded that he was Screech. Because he’d be so much more famous if he weren’t Screech. Good one, Screech. 2. Screech sucks at comedy. Yet still books gigs. Who knows? 3. Screech had sex with a grilled cheese sandwich. Which is surprising because I figured melted cheese on bread would have higher standards. What did Screech promise you, Cheese? A chance to meet Mario Lopez? And you fell for it? Oh, Cheese. You’ve been using again haven’t you?

Thanks to Jeremy who’s cooler than burgers at The Max.

Photo: Getty Images
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  1. Screech

    Screech Screech Screech!!!

  2. flim_flam_man

    First? Of course, no one wants to be first for this douche bag…. I cannot resist the impulse to post…

  3. They White Urkle

    This ass clown got thrown off of The Kevin and Bean show on KROQ in LA a few years ago. You have to be a major douch to get thrown off that show!

  4. SlyAndThe FamilyStallone

    One grape soda…two straws!

  5. sherry

    who is screech anyway?????

  6. Chirs

    He’s F’n LAME

  7. Heh

    So much for stealing jokes – Sam Kinison did the “grilled cheese sandwich” one twenty years ago.

  8. jeff

    celebrity fit club was a train wreck this season – a great deal of the credit has to go to one mr. samuel powers!

  9. Robin

    I saw him (for free) in 2004 at a club in Arlington, Tx. It was the worst comedy show I’ve ever been to, but a bunch of co-workers and I thought it’d be funny to go see him. He did the Grilled Cheese joke then, too, so be glad that you’re getting his same classic material. My impression of his comedy was “anything to get him distanced from Screech.” Love that those shirts he sold 2 years later to save his house were publicizing the Screech name again though.

    Afterward we thought it’d be funny to take pics with him. My sisters and I were OBSESSED with SBTB and I thought it’d be a fun souvenir to send them. The pics cost $10 each. We just wanted to use our digital cameras because … well obviously. Polaroid vs. digital? Someone distracted him when my picture with him was being taken so my person tried to take a second picture and he said it would be an extra $10. Nice! He’s just a class act all the way.

  10. Geekers

    I think I just threw up a lil’ in my mouth.
    How does this douche keep getting booked places? Sure, he creates drama which could bring business but his drama is actually turning people off.
    He should invent a new line of Screech Douche – guaranteed to remove any grilled-cheese-like residue.

  11. Rut Roh

    What retarded fucktard does not like “No Country For Old Men?”
    Emergency: Send in Chigurh to fix this boy…..pronto.

  12. It seems his career has screeched to a halt.

    (crickets)

  13. @11 Agree with you there, and also what doucefucker rips on Bill Hicks?? That guy was great.

  14. Oh yeah, and that picture screams Hasidic with an identity crisis.

  15. Is that Ed Hardy?

  16. AC Slater

    How he is still alive is beyond me.

  17. CJ

    Screech….why the long face? It’s not that people don’t think you’re funny…they just can’t stand you. You need to thank the ground you walk on that anyone still books you at all….for anything!!!

  18. elvagreen

    I know him. He is a member of a millionaire club ” MILLIONAIRE L O V E R.C O M ” where the rich & celebrity have romance!

  19. Rumble Grumble Gurgle Roar

    the booking was in Lincoln, NE at a movie theater that serves beer and has random couches for peeps to sit in. Screech hit the local radio stations friday morning and was horrible.

    so, suppose it was Zach’s grandmother that Screech rode like a grilled cheese sandwich?

  20. Lola

    absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!

  21. Lola

    absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!

  22. Lola

    absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!

  23. George Washington

    @ 10
    “I think I just threw up a lil’ in my mouth.”
    Where the hell else are we supposed to throw up?

    @ 17
    Speak English much?

    Just damn…..

  24. hahaha

    screech and andy dick need to get together…. and just die.

  25. Spazz

    What a dickhead.

    Too bad Dana Plato or Bonaduce couldnt kill this asshat.

  26. nkozyra

    fuck

    hipinion.com/forums
    hipinion.com/forums

  27. ToTellTheTruth

    Why the fuck does he look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo…

  28. deacon jones

    An obnoxious, self-centered JEW????
    I never heard of such a thing!

  29. QWERTY

    @#18

    You’re probably right. I could totally see this douche being that desperate.

  30. Emma

    Gross – what a disgusting excuse for a human being. He has bad grotesque karma.

  31. Fat bitches suck

    The best thing this bag-of-douche ever did was beating up an 80 year-old Horshack on celebrity boxing. They should have put him against Danny Bonadouchie ….

    At least he’s funnier (barely) than that other ex-sitcom actor turned “comedian” Skippy … wait … forget it. They BOTH suck balls …

  32. Jrz

    Ummm…..Jewish much?

  33. Ashley

    Are we really all that shocked after his sex tape? He likes the Dirty Sanchez, so it’s not surprise he more or less is a walking version of one.

  34. In fairness, fucking your grandma IS like putting your dick in a grilled cheese sandwich (don’t ask). Buttfucking Frist, on the other hand, is like putting your dick in a bowl of cottage cheese.

  35. mafme

    He was in lincoln? Damn, I would have loved to have caught that show just to say that I saw it in person and that it sucked :(

  36. dude

    Funny, #32. Shit, he’s the poster boy for all things jewish. I look at this pic and expect a Rabbi blessing to come shooting out of his mouth.

    • forest

      His mother isn’t Jewish and he went to a Lutheran school.

      Here are some 100% Jews: Logan Lerman, Natalie Portman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Mila Kunis, Alden Ehrenreich, etc., etc.

  37. dude

    Dustin Diamond? I’m sure that’s his real name.

    Try Dustin ShwartzWitzCohenBerg.

  38. Bird Leggz

    What a schmuck! It’s bad enough that the guy gets his kicks out of pushing a short old man around on national TV and calling it fighting, but remember who you’re talking about…Screech’s “sex tape” mysteriously appears after four long years just in time for Christmas. Yeah right! I would rather sit on a truck stop toilet seat than expose myself to anything Dustin Diamond.

  39. George Washington the Confused

    #23…to clear up your confusion…#10 threw up in his/her mouth…that would be opposed to throwing up on their shoes, the sidewalk, the toilet, a trash can, an empty beer box, or for that matter, your face.

    Granted the joke was old before Dodgeball…the point is still that it is widely known that vomit comes from the mouth…it does not always end up remaining in the mouth.

  40. Betterthenyou

    I liked the grandmother fucking joke however it should of been a grandmother rape joke and involved aids then it would of been a classic

  41. Norm Caudell

    I had no opinion about this guy one way or another before, but after calling Bill Hicks, the most unique and original comic mind of the last quarter century, a joke thief, he his at the top of my shit list. To say he was stealing from Lenny Bruce, Hell, all smart comedians that followed owe a debt of gratitude to Lenny Bruce. If you are that clueless, just keep your damn mouth shut!

  42. woodhorse

    @9 Hi to Arlington and do you hate the stadium going up here? Maybe it’s because I don’t care for football.

    I don’t know Screech but he bears an amazing resemblance to Paris Hilton.

  43. Beav

    I despise this fucking heeb.

    *Throws quarter in oven*

    Here Dustin!

  44. Jrz

    That yamaka is fucking HUGE!

  45. Beav

    Hey Dustin! Free Pork!

  46. Jrz

    Hey, Dustin…..did you have a briss for that fucking schnozz?

  47. 21st century digital boy

    Who invited these Hitler Youth douche bags to post? Fuck off back to Stormfront, “dude” and “Beav.”

  48. jennifer

    Dustin diamond can die in a fire….

    This asshat gave my friend herpes and gonorrhea of the throat….true story….

  49. Beav

    His nose looks exactly like his dick.

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