Icing Was The Case That They Gave Screech

“Lisa called. She wants a divorce. She also says, ‘Apple space dimension shazza dam, robble banana Ramadan.'”
“Thank you.”

The holidays can be a stressful and emotional time for anyone, but especially for almost comically washed-up child actors reduced to shitting on porn stars’ chests. Which is why it really shouldn’t have been a surprise when Dustin Diamond was arrested for stabbing a guy in a bar on Christmas. Or that he was basically threatening to stab anyone who wouldn’t chug a Smirnoff Ice which he apparently thought would go over awesome in Wisconsin and not like a deranged former teen sitcom star basically asking them to put a penis in their mouth. You’re in the midwest, dammit. The Milwaukee-Wisconsin Journal Sentinel reports:

According to Gerol’s motion, Paul Rogers and his brothers were watching a basketball game at the Patio Bar & Grill on Dec. 25 when Diamond, 37, came up to one of the brothers with a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and announced, “You’ve been iced. Get on your knees and drink this.”
The man declined but Diamond persisted, until Rogers told him to back off.
A few minutes later, according to Rogers, Schutz approached his brother and said, “Just drink it.”
Again the man refused, allegedly prompting Diamond to walk to the middle of the bar and say words to the effect of, “Don’t make me stab someone on Christmas.” Rogers says he and his brothers thought Diamond had a knife, though they did not see one. They decided to leave the bar.
The bartender and video corroborate that Diamond approached the brothers about drinking a Smirnoff Ice they didn’t want, according to the motion.
“This evidence would tend to prove intent, preparation, plan and absence of mistake or accident in that Diamond had already articulated to stab someone before the incident which will be tried,” Gerol wrote.

Naturally, Screech’s lawyer is trying to exclude this evidence from the preliminary hearing because from a legal perspective, it fucks the living shit out of his defense that the stabbing was an accident and dumps it in a landfill. Fortunately, I have the perfect rebuttal because pretending to be a lawyer is but one of the many lies I use to avoid telling blood relatives what I do for a living. This one’s on the house:

In 1993, Anderson Cooper looked exactly like Zack Morris. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.

Photo: Getty