Screech Ducks Felony Charge For Stabbing A Guy In A Bar

“And that’s how you break into Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s house to steal his mail. No further questions, your honor.” *sits down next to crying lawyer*

Because today’s theme is “Child Stars: How Are They Doing?” Dustin Diamond managed to duck a felony charge for stabbing a man in a Wisconsin bar after he refused to chug a Smirnoff Ice – Yup. – but still got hit with two misdemeanors that could land him in jail. ABC News reports:

The jury’s verdict came just hours after the 38-year-old actor testified that he never intended to stab anyone in the fight last Christmas Day. He had pleaded not guilty to a felony charge of recklessly endangering public safety, plus two misdemeanors — carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct.
The first misdemeanor carries a maximum sentence of nine months in prison, the second a maximum of 90 days in prison.

Except I wouldn’t hold your breath on Screech doing time because the entire trial devolved into a Samuel Powers lovefest by the end, and of course I know Screech’s real name. I don’t want to know anybody who doesn’t.

After maintaining a serious facade during most of the trial, Diamond grinned Friday when a defense attorney asked if he liked being compared to the character Screech. Diamond said he, like his character, enjoyed nerdy things. And Diamond said he liked being identified in public as the goofy television character.
“That means they love you,” Diamond said. “That means you’re doing your job.”

If you’re a regular reader of the site, you’re probably flinching right now because you know the Jesse Spano’s warbling vagina GIF is about to happen because I cram it into every single Saved By The Bell-related post. And while that’s absolutely the case – NO ESCAPE!! – my obsession has evolved, and I’ve started adding the Instagram pic of Anderson Cooper looking like Zack Morris, and Kelly Kapowski hot as hell while 41 and pregnant. It’s almost like they tell a story.

Jesse Spano Warbling Vagina

Ba-warble-warble.

 

“That’s Zack Morrison Cooper to you now.”

 

Jesse Spano Warbling Vagina

Ba-warble-warble.

 

Tiffani Thiessen Kelly Kapowski Pregnant Jimmy Fallon

“Kelly, I can’t be a dad. I’m on CNN.”

 

Jesse Spano Warbling Vagina

Ba-warble-warble.

(This post will make way more sense when they found the bodies. Trust me.)

Photo: Getty