Wait, Everyone On ‘Duck Dynasty’ Is Homophobic? My World Is A Lie!

Guys, you may want to sit down for this, I’ve got some pretty shocking news. You know that reality show Duck Dynasty? The one about the Christian, self-proclaimed rednecks who live in the backwoods of Louisiana and everyone at Walmart goes nuts about? Not a big fan of the gays. Crazy, right? I almost didn’t believe it myself except here are Phil Robertson’s exact words to GQ which are probably just a typo. Someone tell Magary to check the tape again. I SAID CHECK IT AGAIN!

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Okay, well, that’s not that bad. I’m sure Phil will clarify his remarks. These are kind, woodland folk we’re talking about. Salt of the earth:

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong,” he says. “Sin becomes fine.”
What, in your mind, is sinful?
“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Yeesh. Although, it is interesting that Phil Robertson brings up deceit considering he’s never read of a word of his own autobiography and freely admits that his reality show is basically “skits” the family comes up with. But that’s neither here nor there because what’s important is at the end of the day Phil will never judge gays or terrorists which are practically the same thing, amirite?

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?”

And, look, before everyone rushes to judge good, old fashioned, down home country preaching, keep in mind, Phil Robertson is a learned scholar with a deep understanding of history:

“All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.”

See, almost.. none of that checks out. But here’s where I’m genuinely impressed. While pussy-footin’ city-folk like Megyn Kelly will walk back their statements in the face of intellectual criticism, Phil Robertson will at least stand by his words as backwards and fucked up as they may be:

In a statement released via A&E, Robertson attempted to clarify his remarks: “I myself am a product of the ’60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”

And didn’t have gay people. He forgot to say, “And didn’t have gay people.” Did he not read his own interview? I’m confused.

Photos: GQ.com / Pacific Coast News, Splash News