Fergie Was Friggungivin Furd a Speech ‘n Thanks Armie (She’s Drunk)
Call animal control, Fergie is on the loose. Video has surfaced of the former Black Eyed Peas singer crashing the podium during the Trevor Project’s TrevorLIVE L.A. Gala like a drunk bridesmaid that still feels guilty she hooked up with the groom back in college. Before I get into it, I just want to say that I had no idea that Fergie was into crystal meth. I always saw her as like a Prozac and prosecco type of gal, but after seeing the following video, meth seems like a great way to bounce back after a backstage chardonnay nap.
In the video, Armie Hammer was in the middle of presenting Tom Ford with an award when Fergie decided to stumble out and plug her new album on sale in Target’s bargain bin and give her endorsement for Armie Hammer’s Oscar bid. She tries to make a joke about her being Armie Hammer and he’s Fergie or something. I’m sure it was perfectly logical stuff in her mind at the time.
This wasn’t her only unplanned stage appearance of the evening however, Ferg felt the need to jump up on stage after Shoshannah Bean had audio problems and remind everyone again that she’s also a singer and not a 42-year-old divorcee with a substance problem.
“Shoshannah Bean walked offstage so the technical crew could address some sound issues. During that time, Fergie jumped out of her seat and got onstage, unscripted, mystifying the crowd a second time.”
“Please do karaoke… please do karaoke… please do karaoke…” said every asshole in the audience.
“Fergie then led the audience in a sing-along of ‘A Little Work.'”
“‘You don’t know the other part, but that’s cool, though,’ Fergie told them. ‘But you will!’
‘Just, I guess, with full shame or no shame, I don’t know, get it on iTones…iTones? That’s a new one. iTunes,’ Fergie continued. ‘Anyway, just get it if you want. You know what? Listen if you want. If you like it, listen, if you don’t—don’t! But it’s a song that is really personal to me and…Give it up for Tom Ford! Trevor Project! This project. I wasn’t even planned to speak tonight, but I guess I can’t stand it when everyone else is up here singing. Um, but this project really means so much to me. I mean, honestly, reading about the suicide, uh, percentage and—’
Before she could finish, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the unpredictable Fergie.’ The voice then reintroduced Bean to the stage. ‘Anyway, thank you, Trevor Project,’ Fergie just before her microphone was shut off. ‘I’m really serious about that.’
‘Give it up for Fergie,’ the disembodied voice said as she walked away. ‘Shoshannah is back!'” (from E! News)
Whoever that announcer was that cutoff Fergie just as she started talking about suicide is a goddamn pro. A wasted celebrity that’s nearing their expiration date is going to have people talking about your party for years to come, but as soon as they start fucking with the mission statement of the non-profit in front of donors, that’s the time you’re gonna want to cut the mic.
Overall, I’m not mad at Fergie for letting loose a little at the gala. When you’ve got open bar, a seat at the head table, and a room full of people who just want five minutes to talk about “this new project they’re working on,” you can do whatever the fuck you want.
Meanwhile I show up at a Chuck E Cheese for some bangin’ pizza and cheap Miller MGD and all of a sudden I’m the asshole who can’t play in the ball pit because I “have a beard” and “don’t have any reason to be there.” Fuck that place, never goin’ back.