So We Just Elected Our First Reality Star President. Now What?

If you’ve came to this post for some sort of insight on what the hell happened yesterday, you are in the exact wrong place. Because, let’s be honest, not even Donald Trump thought he’d actually become president. In fact, he’s probably pretty pissed off right now because Trump TV clearly could’ve made money hand-over-racist-fist, but now he’s stuck running our stupid-ass country. That wasn’t the plan.

At any rate, my brain is absolutely fried from being on Twitter until 2 a.m. watching America gleefully demonstrate that not only would it not go back in time and kill Baby Hitler, it’d make that little bastard the president. So while I try to console myself with the fact that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote – which at this point is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a pussy that’s been grabbed by an orange racist bulldozer – please feel free to gloat in the comments because I made no secret who I was voting for. My liberal tears are yours for the drinking, and I absolutely would’ve done the same had things gone differently. I even had a headline ready: “SUCK IT, WHITE PEOPLE!” But it looks like they got the last laugh, which is good. It’s about time things starting going their way for once. It’s been so rough these past… never.

Anyway, I’m going to recharge my shit and then be back to business as usual tomorrow because somehow, for reasons I will never understand, people actually come to this site to make their day better. Which utterly terrifies me because they’re going to need a lot of that for a long time and I am really not that good at my job. Case in point: You’re reading a post about how I’m taking the rest of the day off. I AM A FALSE IDOL.

- Mike Redmond

P.S. Photo Boy still banged out The Crap We Missed for today. So there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Unless the tunnel has been Donald Trump’s urethra this whole time, which I probably shouldn’t rule out. – *sniffs* – Yup, that’s definitely spray tan and syphilis. Sonofabitch.

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