Donald Trump Didn’t Rape Ivana Because ‘You Can’t Rape Your Spouse’

Thanks to Donald Trump’s now infamous remarks about Mexican rapists that shot his fake presidential run in the foot before it could pretend to not be fake for at least one second, The Daily Beast unearthed accusations that Trump allegedly raped Ivana Trump after she recommended a plastic surgeon that gave him hair plugs that made his head feel ouchie. (Yup.) When asked about the allegations, here’s how Trump’s top adviser naturally responded because this whole experience has been one delicious fuck-up after the other:

Michael Cohen, special counsel at The Trump Organization, defended his boss, saying, “You’re talking about the frontrunner for the GOP, presidential candidate, as well as a private individual who never raped anybody. And, of course, understand that by the very definition, you can’t rape your spouse.”
“It is true,” Cohen added. “You cannot rape your spouse. And there’s very clear case law.”

As anyone with access to Google has pointed out, marital rape became illegal in New York in 1984 which is probably why Michael Cohen’s next quote to The Daily Beast was more, “I will fucking OWN you,” and less, “Haha! Raping your wife isn’t real rape, dummy.”

“I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we’re in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don’t have. And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know,” Cohen said. “So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?”
“You write a story that has Mr. Trump’s name in it, with the word ‘rape,’ and I’m going to mess your life up… for as long as you’re on this frickin’ planet… you’re going to have judgments against you, so much money, you’ll never know how to get out from underneath it,” he added.

Cohen has since apologized this morning and totally gets that marital rape is a real thing. He just got so angry that he forgot you can’t legally force your wife to fuck you. It happens. CNN reports:

“As an attorney, husband and father there are many injustices that offend me but nothing more than charges of rape or racism. They hit me at my core. Rarely am I surprised by the press, but the gall of this particular reporter to make such a reprehensible and false allegation against Mr. Trump truly stunned me. In my moment of shock and anger, I made an inarticulate comment – which I do not believe — and which I apologize for entirely,” Cohen said in a statement to CNN.

In fairness, Ivana Trump also publicly denounced the allegations which probably would’ve helped before Donald Trump’s top adviser went around saying there’s “clear case law” that raping your wife is completely legit. Now, Ivana’s statement is mostly just a neat little fact to mention after several paragraphs of hilariously macho threats to fucking bury a reporter under so much money he’ll never see the light of the day because this is how you run a campaign. This is how you win. — I’m actually not joking. The motherfucker’s poll numbers probably went up because you know who loves them some marital rape? Christians. Can’t get enough of it.

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