So Bane’s Our President, Now What?

“You merely adopted the darkness. I peed in it.”

Before we get down to business that’s all downhill from that caption, if you somehow haven’t seen a clip of Donald Trump plagiarizing Bane during his inaugural speech, my apologies for disrupting whatever you rock you’ve been under because it sounds fucking awesome down there. You had a good thing going, and now I’m ruining it.

Yup, that happened in real life. Because as eerily accurate as Mark Hamill reading Donald Trump tweets as The Joker was, nothing can hold a candle to the actual shit that flies out of President AnusMouth’s rectum-face because he truly is a super-villain. An honest-to-God super-villain. Except yesterday we learned that superheroes don’t exist, too, because one didn’t land on the National Mall, rip off Trump’s toupee, and reveal to the world that Adolf Hitler had a time machine/tanning bed this whole time. How could we be so fooled?!

But here’s the sad reality, America was fooled. Donald Trump – with an alleged assist from Russia and possibly even our own FBI – played this country like a harp from the hell. (Liking these Batman quotes? I’ll try to work in Lex Luthor peeing in a jar soon. Stick around.) And all he had to do was be really racist and promise a bunch of things that were clearly never going to happen. If factory jobs do come back, guess what? They’re going to a robot. And not the cool kind you can have sex with in a western-themed amusement park. Although they’ll probably be really good at gripping things…

Anyway, as you can tell by that last sentence, I’m not going to have a lot of insight as to what to do next. Especially in light of much better takes by Steve King, Patton Oswalt, and Gin and Tacos. All of which you’d probably be smart to read right now instead of the rest of this post because I’m not very good at rallying cries or seeing the best in humanity. In fact, if someone put a gun to my head and asked me what to do next, I’d probably blurt out, “Stab your relatives who share Chris Kyle Facebook posts in their sleep?” Not very helpful or legal!

But here’s the thing, those people who are almost definitively part of the 80% white Evangelical Christians who voted for Trump fucked us, and they fucked us hard. However, they also fucked themselves, and only very few of them will acknowledge that fact, so don’t even waste your time trying to explain it to them. Do literally anything else with your short spin on this world. Because somewhere along the line these idiots heard the term “fake news” – I can’t imagine where. – didn’t bother to learn what it actually means, and now apply it to any piece of information they don’t like. Which has been a truly amazing experience for me because I have an actual degree in journalism, yet in the past few months I’ve repeatedly watched family members show a dizzying lack of understanding about basic reporting, and then try to argue with me about how the media really works. (Spoiler Alert: It’s Jews and Satan.)

For example, shortly after the election and making a fuck-ton of money, Facebook promised to crack down on fake news after realizing it maybe had a hand in bringing the world to the brink of nuclear war. One of the responses I saw from a Breitbart-reading, Milo fan was, “Oh, so now we’re supposed to believe the mainstream media that couldn’t even call the election right?”

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

NOBODY KNEW DONALD TRUMP WAS GOING TO WIN. Nobody. Especially Donald Trump and his team who were all looking for new jobs days before the election. There’s a reason his transition into the White House has been a goddamn nightmare, and it’s because not a single person on his campaign honestly expected they’d have to deal with it. On top of that, there was always a 30-40% chance probability in every model that Trump could squeak out a win. Which he did through the smallest of margins in just the right states that put him in the bottom 20% of electoral college wins. (Not yuge. Sad!) It’s not like every news outlet was reporting an absolute 100% chance of Hillary Clinton winning the election, which by the way, she fucking did. By three million votes. So to use the election results as a cudgel against reporting that you don’t like about Trump is a bucket of specious horseshit with a side of Lex Luthor’s piss in a jar. (I did it!)

Long story short, if you can sense the aneurysm forming in my brain from just that example, do yourself a favor, and don’t engage with moron Trump voters. That’s my profound, inspirational rallying cry for the future that I’ll probably abandon five seconds after this post goes live. “Fuck talking to dummies.” Because at the end of the day, there are way better uses of your time and this asshole is barreling tiny-hand over tiny-fist for an impeachment. It took less than an afternoon for the White House website to start shilling Melania’s jewelry line. (After it scrubbed off all the gays, civil rights, and science, of course.) And that’s without even touching the Russia stuff.

However, should our government continue to say “Hold my beer,” while it demonstrates just how completely buttholed it is from top to bottom, and Mike Pence isn’t left trying to deflect from Kremlin hooker pee in 2020, Trump’s administration is only going to galvanize the majority of American voters who voted against him and more than likely a fair amount of dicks who threw their votes away on third parties. (Or they’ll die from measles. Either way.) Just like Bush fueled the Left to give us Obama and cut down on the number of rubes sitting in pews after young people got a taste of American Christianity’s bloodthirsty, discriminating underbelly. – Which they got an even closer look with this election. Goddamn. – Only hopefully we’ll do it in one term and without another generation of brave men and women being fed into a war-profiteering meat grinder promising to “eradicate radical Islamic terrorism from the earth.” What’s that? He said the words out loud, and yet somehow terrorism didn’t magically stop? But that goes against all of your stupid bitching, oh noes!

Then again, there’s no way Herr Fuhrer BabyFingers L’Orange isn’t stewing over this little item, so you know there’s some dick-swinging coming up.

Guess what, America, we just burnt dinner. Get out of the house.

Oh, and fuck talking to dummies. Remember that from earlier? It’s cool if you don’t. I’m honestly just here for the pee jokes.

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Photo: Warner Bros.