Dog figures out he’s not black after all

The Superficial / November 7, 2007
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Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes last night to apologize for his racist remarks and explain himself. Dog felt he had a “special connection” with black America and used to say “I’m black, too.”

“In other words, my whole life I’ve been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that…so when I stood there and said, ‘I kind of know what you feel like, because I’ve been there, too,’ that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers…say the word.”

“I now learned I’m not black at all, and I never did it out of hate,” Chapman continued. “This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, ‘Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.’ And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.

“So, I went too far with that.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here, but you know how Dog the Bounty Hunter could’ve figure out he’s not black? He could’ve, I dunno, maybe looked in a freaking mirror. Which I’ll assume he recently did and made a startling discovery: “What the hell am I wearing? This seems like an awful lot of leather. Is that an armband? And a fanny pack?! C’mon! Hey, wait a minute, this is strange. My skin, it’s white. And not black. That means I can’t say nig– Ho. Ly. Shit.”