Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Closing In On War Machine

August 13th, 2014 // 51 Comments
Dog The Bounty Hunter
Seen This Douche?
War Machine
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Yesterday, we learned about War Machine‘s romantic proposal to Christy Mack that somehow ended in him “allegedly” breaking 18 bones in her eye and rupturing her liver before attempting to rape her then cutting her hair with a dull knife when his dick wouldn’t work. It was the strangest thing, and he honestly has no idea how it happened. But if he had to take a guess, it’s probably because she was on her period. The important thing is he’s about to become an episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter who apparently knows exactly where the shithead is, but is readying his film crew and giving exclusive interviews to MMA Mania first instead of, oh I dunno, calling the police:

What do you say to those who might be harboring him?
He’s got a lot of friends. So what you are going to see soon through social media — this is a social media kind of hunt, you don’t go to 7-Eleven and pass out mugshots on this one. This one we have to cover everything … and social media does that. So, pretty soon on social media some of his best friends, relatives and people close to him are going to start telling him to call Dog because this is it. And, hopefully, he doesn’t want to do suicide by cop — he’s very depressed. Very soon you are going to see pleas for him to come in because we are going to catch him — we are very close to him right now. We just have to handle it right because we don’t want anyone killed.

And if you’re thinking to yourself, wait a minute, Dog doesn’t carry guns, you’re right. So that was kind of an odd statement. But what does he carry is enough bean bag guns and TASERs to take down a rhinoceros which I’ll just assume are tested in the bedroom. *tips hat* Ms. Chapman.

For 31 years, I’ve used non-lethal weapons. My weapons will drop a rhinoceros. Brother, I can not believe the new stuff they got going on, I’m telling you. I used it the other day and I was like, “Oh my God!” And this guy was huge, more than 300 pounds. So, you don’t have to kill them. Over the years — after 6,500, 7,000 arrests — you realized you don’t need to use deadly force. We’ve gone up against guns, but it’s about who is quickest on the draw. If you have a firearm, and he outdraws you, you’re shot. It’s all about being smart. If you have a non-lethal weapon, and you’re quicker on the draw than him, he’s going down. We won’t kill him, but at the same time, you won’t see Dog Chapman versus the “War Machine” because I’m not stupid — he’d probably break my nose. But, you may see him eat Dog Chapman’s taser.

As Uproxx points out, War Machine once tweeted four years ago that if Dog The Bounty Hunter ever came to get him, he’d “beat his ass,” so posturing for the cameras aside, at least Dog respects that fact and will probably just fill an entire fire engine with pepper spray while his turquoise feathers blow in the winds of justice next to his lustrous mane. Wait, why do I have an erection? More importantly, where it’d get a bolo tie?

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Photo: Getty

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  1. cc

    Please, War Machine, pull a gun on the police.

  2. Rooting for Dog.

  3. Oh BABY

    Great. A show-boating, attention-whoring douche hunting another show-boating, attention-whoring douche. This should end well.

    They’re both dumb asses.

  4. white trash nets even trashier white trash. film at 11. ‘MERCA.

  5. brick

    I wonder if he’s looked in her cleavage yet? War Machine could be in there!

  6. This Dog asshole is a clown.

  7. I hope this War Machine fuck kills the dog and is then immediately gunned down by legitimate law enforcement.

  8. I would love for this cocky ass to get taken in by Dog. He has a big mouth and a big ego and needs a big knock off his fucking pedestal.

  9. This whole thing is gonna go down at Wal-Mart. I just have a hunch.

  10. I don’t care who it is, I just want somebody to put War Machine in jail. That asshole needs to go away for a long time.

  11. I think Dog’s murder conviction from the 1970′s has more to do with why he doesn’t use firearms than any moral issues.

  12. Short Round

    Now, is this the real Dog or Eric Cartman is doing another video?

  13. Papi

    GO WAR MACHINE!!!!!!

  14. Cock Dr

    “at least Dog respects that fact and will probably just fill an entire fire engine with pepper spray while his turquoise feathers blow in the winds of justice next to his lustrous mane. Wait, why do I have an erection? More importantly, where it’d get a bolo tie?”
    A person should get to go home if they’re incapacitated with giggles.

  15. This photo proves that white-trash on white-trash action is killing this country…. What’s this about bounty hunting now?

  16. Deacon Jones

    This should be a fun match up to watch if they manage to tape it. If he can manage to get out of whatever shithole apartment he’s hiding in when they go in, well then it will be a footrace, and that would be really entertaining.

    But does he still even have a show anymore? I thought he lost it because of that horrible, horrible word.

    Regardless, someone needs to show him how to put a pair of sunglasses on the monster blistering head of his.

  17. Steve

    I hope War Machine punches Dog in the face

    Hopefully war machine pulls a robin williams and just gets it over with bc he is a waste of life.

  18. DrJ Fever

    A while back there was a couple of shitty movies about bounty hunters and then there was an interview with a real successful one. He said the key to success and safety was being as inconspicuous as possible before you tried to arrest the fugitive. He also said that being shot at was almost a given with violent people.

    So my question is how is possible that this guy that looks like a parody of a rodeo clown not be seen and then killed?

    • Tojo Nixon

      Because with Dawg it’s all an act. I wonder if the real reason he hasn’t arrested Douche Machine is because they’re still rehearsing the “takedown” together. Ah reality television. Such a gift to humanity.

  19. Hmm

    Murder-suicide, fingers crossed.

  20. So a mixed martial arts fighter beats up his porn-star girlfriend and is chased down by a TV bounty hunter with a mullet? This is more American than “The Ride of Paul Revere”.

  21. j/k

    I’m sorry I don’t feel any outrage from this. That dude was a psycho long before they met. Many people warned her but she didn’t listen. It’s tragic but not sympathy inducing.

    Before the internet heroes attack me, I’m an autistic gay black woman who was raped by conservative baby seal hunters, so love me anyway.

  22. Ali

    The Seth Rogan/James Franco video playing on the sidebar is the best part of this whole article.

  23. Marketing Mike

    The only way Dog catches War Machine, he and his partner
    get so fat there is nowhere left for War Machine to hide.
    It’s a physics thing and it’s just a matter of time.

  24. LilDeuceDeuce

    Someday I want to see a Dog The Bounty Hunter biopic starring Ice-T as Dog and Coco as Beth

  25. Twizlah

    These two dumpster fires stayed at hotel I used to work at last year. The only words I can muster to describe them are the following: human debris.

  26. I would have liked to see Dog’s old lady about 175 pounds ago. I’ll bet she was hot.

  27. Papi's House

    #FREEWARMACHINE

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