Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Closing In On War Machine

Yesterday, we learned about War Machine’s romantic proposal to Christy Mack that somehow ended in him “allegedly” breaking 18 bones in her eye and rupturing her liver before attempting to rape her then cutting her hair with a dull knife when his dick wouldn’t work. It was the strangest thing, and he honestly has no idea how it happened. But if he had to take a guess, it’s probably because she was on her period. The important thing is he’s about to become an episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter who apparently knows exactly where the shithead is, but is readying his film crew and giving exclusive interviews to MMA Mania first instead of, oh I dunno, calling the police:

What do you say to those who might be harboring him?
He’s got a lot of friends. So what you are going to see soon through social media — this is a social media kind of hunt, you don’t go to 7-Eleven and pass out mugshots on this one. This one we have to cover everything … and social media does that. So, pretty soon on social media some of his best friends, relatives and people close to him are going to start telling him to call Dog because this is it. And, hopefully, he doesn’t want to do suicide by cop — he’s very depressed. Very soon you are going to see pleas for him to come in because we are going to catch him — we are very close to him right now. We just have to handle it right because we don’t want anyone killed.

And if you’re thinking to yourself, wait a minute, Dog doesn’t carry guns, you’re right. So that was kind of an odd statement. But what does he carry is enough bean bag guns and TASERs to take down a rhinoceros which I’ll just assume are tested in the bedroom. *tips hat* Ms. Chapman.

For 31 years, I’ve used non-lethal weapons. My weapons will drop a rhinoceros. Brother, I can not believe the new stuff they got going on, I’m telling you. I used it the other day and I was like, “Oh my God!” And this guy was huge, more than 300 pounds. So, you don’t have to kill them. Over the years — after 6,500, 7,000 arrests — you realized you don’t need to use deadly force. We’ve gone up against guns, but it’s about who is quickest on the draw. If you have a firearm, and he outdraws you, you’re shot. It’s all about being smart. If you have a non-lethal weapon, and you’re quicker on the draw than him, he’s going down. We won’t kill him, but at the same time, you won’t see Dog Chapman versus the “War Machine” because I’m not stupid — he’d probably break my nose. But, you may see him eat Dog Chapman’s taser.

As Uproxx points out, War Machine once tweeted four years ago that if Dog The Bounty Hunter ever came to get him, he’d “beat his ass,” so posturing for the cameras aside, at least Dog respects that fact and will probably just fill an entire fire engine with pepper spray while his turquoise feathers blow in the winds of justice next to his lustrous mane. Wait, why do I have an erection? More importantly, where it’d get a bolo tie?

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