Pancreatic Cancer, Huh?

August 7th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Steve Jobs

Being asked every second of every day when the new iPhone is coming out would drive anyone to fake their own death, so here’s a wheelchair-bound, yet alive Steve Jobs in Brazil where he’d gladly risk a knife to the throat than talk one more second about diamond quartz screens. According to legend, he’s been known to take flight and knock iPads out of villagers’ hands while cawing like a bird. Gola pássaro da morte, the locals call him which roughly translates to “turtleneck bird of death.” Although, if you ask him, he’ll say it means “Steven-Claw” while scratching at the air. Superstition can be a powerful tool when placed in the right hands.

UPDATE: And here’s the official cover story which will rainbow wheel every Apple device if you don’t it accept as fact. Choose wisely.

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Charlize Theron Will Destroy Tia Mowry Now

August 7th, 2014 // 27 Comments
No, Not You, Too, Charlize
Charlize Theron Bikini Mario Testino Shoot
'Googling Yourself Is Like Rape' Read More »

A few weeks back, Tia Mowry went running to In Touch about Charlize Theron snubbing her at the gym. And if you don’t remember who Tia Mowry is, then you can probably already sympathize with Charlize Theron who’s now trying to get her banned from SoulCycle. Via DishNation:

“Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back. When the manager refused Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen,” said an insider at SoulCycle.
Mowry told “In Touch” that she approached Theron to say hello and was met with an eye roll and Theron saying, “Oh my god.” Theron took the issue of the privacy breach to SoulCycle management and raged that she has zero expectation of anonymity during her workout with Mowry around. Management refused to ban Mowry and Theron got even angrier.
“This nobody who was famous for a minute 20 years ago can complain to the tabloids about me but I can’t expect you to protect me from hangers on in your studio?” Theron said, according to employee.

I can see how Charlize Theron’s hands are tied here. She wants to work out to stay healthy and in fantastic shape, but at the same time, it’s not like she’s rich enough to afford exercise equipment and a personal trainer to come to her house for a private session. So really, she has no other choice but to expect a business to cater specifically to her instead of its entire customer base. Not to mention, it should already be running advanced psychological screenings to find out if someone might say “Hi” to her. Is it because she didn’t buy the Gold package? She doesn’t use the tanning beds! The savings weren’t there.

Photos: FameFlynet

Kanye West Is Still Saying Celebrities Are Treated Like Blacks In The 1960s

August 7th, 2014 // 49 Comments
I'm A Blowfish
Kanye West GQ
And I Fuck Dinosaurs! POW! Read More »

That’s marital rape, bitch.

Of all the soundbites from Kanye West‘s GQ interview, the most ridiculous one was his claim that celebrities are treated like blacks in the 1960s. Because not a day goes by where Kanye isn’t practically sprayed with a firehose, beaten with bricks, or hung from a tree. Having your picture taken is just like that. So here he is doubling down on those remarks during a deposition for his attack of a photographer at LAX even though, again, he married Kim Kardashian a woman who’s only famous because the paparazzi photograph her giant ass and titties because she tells them her every move. That’s like marrying Aquaman then complaining that whales can see your dick. What do you think was going to happen? TMZ reports:

Kanye says there’s a parallel between blacks fighting for civil rights in the ’60s and celebs fighting for theirs today: “I mean in the ’60s people used to hold up ‘Die N****r’ signs when my parents were in the sit-ins also.” Goldberg asks if he equates the struggle of blacks in the past with celebrities today and Kanye says, “Yes, 100 … I equate it to discrimination. I equate it to inequalities.”
Kanye goes on, “We, as group of minorities here in L.A., as celebrities have to ban together to influence guys like this — guys trying to take the picture, guys trying to get the big win, guys trying to get the check.”

Keep in mind, just before equating the plight of pre-civil rights blacks with a filthy rich celebrity being photographed outside of a five-star sushi restaurant, Kanye West dropped this little gem: More »

Good Morning, Michelle Lewin, And Other News

August 7th, 2014 // 4 Comments

- Gwyneth Paltrow is probably banging a Glee producer. [Lainey Gossip]

- Katie Holmes doesn’t think about Tom Cruise because Xenu mind wipes are permanent. [Dlisted]

- Chivettes Bored At Work [theCHIVE]

- So that’s what Lindsay Lohan uses to clean her vagina between johns. [Fishwrapper]

- 38 Things Men Can Do To Make Themselves More Attractive To Women [The Frisky]

- Helen Flanagan‘s breasts do FHM. [WWTDD]

- What’s up, Kelly Gale in lingerie? [Popoholic]

- The cast of Big Bang Theory is now horribly overpaid. [Starpulse]

- Zoe Saldana will tell you how to have good sex now. [tooFab]

- Jeff Goldblum is an awesome wedding guest. [IDLYITW]

- Hello, Michelle Vawer… [Hollywood Tuna]

- Wait. Mischa Barton isn’t homeless already? [Celebslam]

- Ashley Smith and Dioni Tabbers seem fun. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Megan Fox Is Denying Brian Austin Green Sex Because of ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

August 6th, 2014 // 5 Comments
Hey, You, Fuck Off
Megan Fox Legs Minidress Heels Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LA Premiere
Why Megan Fox's Career Died The First Time Read More »

[Ed. Note: Never trifle with me again, BAG. You're outmatched. - SW]

When we last left Megan Fox, she was telling moviegoers to fuck off before they even see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since then, she’s already said she wants to go to back to Transformers, named Shia LaBeouf her favorite on-screen kiss and now here she is letting everyone know Brian Austin Green isn’t getting any because she has to do these fucking interviews, so go see Ninja Turtles if you want it to destroy your marriage, too. There, see? She promoted your stupid movie. Now fuck off. E! News reports:

Brian doesn’t get any intimacy whatsoever,” she told Entertainment Tonight. Fox isn’t kidding, either. During an appearance on The View Tuesday, she said, “My [2-year-old son Noah] sleeps in bed with us, so there’s really no way.”

When reached for comment, Brian Austin Green would only respond to the name “Reek” and informed us several times master doesn’t like him talking to strangers. But eventually he showed us his severed penis in a box, and we all had a good laugh. You should’ve come.

Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Chrissy Teigen Got Drunk At A Dodgers Game, Still Pitched Better Than 50 Cent

August 6th, 2014 // 28 Comments

Here’s a drunk – by her own admissionChrissy Teigen at last night’s Dodgers game where she still managed to throw a better first pitch than 50 Cent did. And by better I mean it sort of went over the plate before she rolled around in the grass with Bonnie Cook then took pictures where it looks like she’s pissing in a sink. Which, at its core, is really what baseball is all about. Back me up, Babe Ruth’s ghost. Whenever you get done banging that hooker in the dugout. *looks at watch* So… Israel, huh?

Chrissy Teigen’s Drunken First Pitch After The Jump

Anthony Cumia’s Gone Full Racist

August 6th, 2014 // 96 Comments
Anthony Cumia
Previously In Doubling Down
Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin Started Her Own TV Channel Read More »

When Anthony Cumia got fired from SiriusXM for being a racist asshole, a group of people who I’ll refer to as “fuckfaced morons,” tried to say things like, “Oh, he just over-exaggerates for the show,” or the even more idiotic, “Nothing he said was even racist at all.” Except here’s Anthony hopping in bed with The Political Cesspool, a white supremacist radio show with the following mission statement:

“We wish to revive the White birthrate above replacement level fertility and beyond to grow the percentage of Whites in the world relative to other races.”

Nope, nothing racist there. In fact, this sounds like the perfect intellectually stimulating environment to prove black people hate America because none of them worked on the Apollo space program if Anthony’s “being honest.” Via Media Matters: More »

Lourdes Leon In A Bikini & Her Mom’s Vagina Selfie

August 6th, 2014 // 32 Comments

It’s been two days since I ran Chloe Moretz in a bikini and Chris Hansen still hasn’t murdered me in the dream world yet, so I’m guessing it’s safe to post these shots of Lourdes Leon in Antibes where you’ll probably notice she’s smoking. Which isn’t ideal for a young girl, but her mother’s currently taking vagina selfies on Instagram and then deleting them after they’ve consumed enough souls, so worse things could be happening. Dead things, Mikey, dead things.

Madonna’s Vagina Selfie After The Jump