Katy Perry’s Boyfriend Wants To Crowdfund A Booty Onto Taylor Swift

November 13th, 2014 // 57 Comments

Despite promising myself an ass hiatus after yesterday’s 2014 Buttella Festival, I still have precious SEO to milk into my mouth, so here’s Katy Perry‘s boyfriend publicly insulting the spot where Taylor Swift‘s butt should be:

As for why Diplo would do something like this, Katy Perry has big breasts and hates Taylor Swift, so it’s a miracle he didn’t murder her like a good boyfriend would’ve by now. (Call me.) In the meantime, Lorde has apparently come to Taylor’s defense with a comeback the Internet can’t trip over itself fast enough to praise: More »

Mama June: ‘Pumpkin’s Father Is A Different Child Molester, Alright?’

November 13th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Mama June Shannon
Mother of The Year
Mama June Shannon Chet Weird Science
The Mama June Shit Is Still Getting Worse Read More »

I’m going to be completely honest here. After yesterday’s Kim Kardashian Naked FUPA Emporium, I actually miss these simple country folks, and their horrifying shit-pit of codependency filled with child molesters. It’s practically quaint. But enough about why I have tears in my ears, here’s Mama June explaining to Entertainment Tonight why Mark McDaniel, the man who molested her daughter Anna Cardwell when she was only eight, has really been around her family which she claims has only been two times. And, no, it’s not because he’s Pumpkin‘s real father. That’s a different child molester, alright? You guys make such a big deal out of nothing.

Shannon also revealed for the first time her claim that Pumpkin’s biological father is also the father of her 18-year-old daughter Jessica [Chubbs]. His name is Michael Anthony Ford, he is a convicted sex offender who served time for sexual exploitation of minors after being caught on To Catch a Predator in 2005.
“Jessica and Pumpkin have the same dad, but Jessica’s dad has had nothing to do with her over the years,” Shannon said. “So, why the hell would I open up that can of worms until today? I lied to my family and told them it was somebody else.”
As for whether Mama June understands why people were so upset over her being seen with McDaniel, she says, “I understand that… and honestly it’s not like I’m seeing him everyday, I promise… I wanted to be able to give one of my other daughters closure and now Pumpkin is happy, that piece of our life is over.”

So let’s pull this bullshit apart piece by piece: More »

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

November 13th, 2014 // 7 Comments

- Maybe Joaquin Phoenix could’ve handled being in the Marvel machine. [Lainey Gossip]

- Leonardo DiCaprio‘s birthday party was 80% models. Of course. [Dlisted]

- Niecy Nash knows the secret to a happy marriage and it’s blowjays. Constant blowjays. [Fishwrapper]

- Why Would You Ever Get Out of Bed? [theCHIVE]

- Naya Rivera did not care for Kim Kardashian‘s butt. [The Frisky]

- Vladimir Putin‘s coming for your wife, son. [WWTDD]

- Meanwhile back in Mother Russia, women are shitting themselves mid-twerk. [Death and Taxes]

- And Olivia Wilde snapped back from having a baby. [Popoholic]

- What’s up, Nadine Leopold? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Alyssa Barbara is from Canada and has big breasts. These are facts. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

Kim Kardashian’s Vagina Is Naked Now

November 12th, 2014 // 93 Comments

Apparently her naked ass wasn’t enough to #BreakTheInternet, so here’s Kim Kardashian going full frontal for Paper where I’m guess they’re hoping her FUPA will get the job done even though we already saw Kate Upton‘s and with a baseball player’s semen on it. Does Kim Kardashian’s FUPA have a baseball player’s semen on it? These are things the Internet needs to know before it just lets somebody break it. It’s not a whore, Kim.

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Photos: Jean-Paul Goude / Paper

Kim Kardashian Is Showing Off Her Ass Before She Gets Pregnant Again

November 12th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Goddammit, Chelsea Handler
Chelsea Handler Naked Butt Kim Kardashian
Put Your Naked Butt Away, Too Read More »

So remember the beginning of Raiders of The Lost Ark when Indiana Jones is running away from the giant boulder? Picture my day exactly like that except Indy just turns around and goes, “Aw, fuck it.” TMZ reports:

Kim Kardashian shot the instantly iconic ass photo because it’s her last stand before getting pregnant again … TMZ has learned.
We know Kim is telling close friends and family she’s about to get pregnant again, and wants to show off her body before the weight gain. She’s proud she dumped the weight after North was born and wants to show her tight figure off.

What’s every single post about? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s texting you? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. What’s that on TV? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s messaging you on Facebook? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. What do you want for dinner? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. Who’s the greatest NBA player of all time? KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT. KIM KARDASHIAN’S NAKED BUTT!

And we’ve officially broke the FISHernet: More »

Chelsea Handler’s Butt Is Naked Now

November 12th, 2014 // 32 Comments

Despite claiming to quit Instagram not even two weeks ago after her naked breasts were pulled down three times (Not a milking joke.), Chelsea Handler is back already. Only this time with her naked butt which she thinks is somehow mocking Kim Kardashian‘s even though that would take no less than 15 of Chelsea’s taped together and slathered in oil. Real comedians commit to their jokes, and I’m not saying that to be sexist. I’d tell Sarah Silverman the exact same thing. If she’s not on her period.

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Photo: Instagram

ESPN Ripped Off Daniel Tosh, Here’s His Response

November 12th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Daniel Tosh

Because there should be at least one post that isn’t about Kim Kardashian’s naked ass, here’s Daniel Tosh calling out ESPN for ripping off his Web Redemption segment so blatantly they didn’t even change the name. That’s like robbing a bank then walking around dressed like the Beagle Boys. And yes, that was a Duck Tales joke which is what happens when I shift from ass humor too quickly. You’re all lucky to still be alive. (h/t Uproxx)

RELATED: Didn’t @nerddad plagiarize The Superficial a bunch of times? Why, yes, he did!

Daniel Tosh Blasts ESPN For Ripping Him Off After The Jump