Christina Hendricks’ Breasts Want To Be On ‘Game of Thrones,’ This Needs To Happen

April 8th, 2014 // 20 Comments
Christina Hendricks Cleavage
WATCH: Christina Hendricks Wants To Be On 'GoT'

If you’re like me, you enjoy huge, ample breasts and the HBO series Game of Thrones, so here’s one two of those things talking about wanting to get inside the other. And I think I speak of all nerddom when I say that if Christina Hendricks gets naked in Westeros, a dragon will fly out of my penis. A literal, honest to God dragon. With Peter Dinklage on its back.

Amanda Bynes Is In A Bikini

April 7th, 2014 // 32 Comments

Now that Amanda Bynes‘ parents scored that conservatorship they always wanted, they can use her money to go on awesome vacations. So here’s the whole crew at Cabo San Lucas yesterday where part of the healing process is treating Amanda like a normal, non-crazy celebrity who simply had a “rough spot” full of vagina murder and arson. I’ll go first: Mmm, that butt sure looks like it could use some pee. But not because it hears voices! This is purely sexual. I don’t even know what schizophrenia means. (Nailed it.)

Photos: Enpacto/AKM-GSI

Kendall Jenner Has A Butt, Too

April 7th, 2014 // 17 Comments

When each of Kris Jenner‘s daughter reaches the age of 15, she ritualistically inserts 10 pounds of Brazilian butt collagen into their asses during a new moon. The process is called The Whorening, and it has served her for hundreds of years if not thousands. (We have early records that suggest a territorial dispute with Madonna over a small hinterland that supposedly housed The God Blade.) So with that in mind, here’s Kendall Jenner‘s ass ziplining on Instagram for her mother’s lust for gold is legion, and she will have it!

Kendall Jenner’s Butt Ziplining After The Jump

It’s The Royal Knickers, It Is

April 7th, 2014 // 17 Comments

And so the royal Duchess of Cambridge did alight from her air carriage to show the young Prince George his expanding New Zealand empire where he would soon christen his Parliamentary Bird Flipping Regiment: Self Fornication Division. But first, the young prince had other matters at hand, namely using his psychic abilities to display the royal knickers to the commoners who greeted them at the tarmac, and a jolly good fun was had by all. Until the fires started. The dreadful, dreadful fires. Awful business that was.

Photos: MODE/AKM-GSI

Nina Agdal Has Naked Pictures, Too

April 7th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Because apparently it’s goddamn Christmas, Nina Agdal has a leaked photo, too, only unlike Demi Lovato‘s nude pics, Nina isn’t getting banged by Wilmer Valderrama even though she could pass for a high school sophomore. Haha, could you imagine his face once he found out she’s 21? He’d be so pissed!

Miley Cyrus Is So Sad Her Dog Died She Immediately Bought A New One

April 7th, 2014 // 19 Comments
This Seems Redundant
Miley Cyrus Porn Parody Miley May
Miley Cyrus: The Porn Parody Read More »

While performing in Boston last week, Miley Cyrus broke down crying after her dog Floyd died and could barely make it through the show. Except here she is not even two days later with her new puppy Moonie because you know why pets will never be like children? You can’t just go out and buy a new kid at the baby store. Believe me, I tried to open one, and holy shit the red tape. Apparently in Obama’s America you can’t let people pick their own newborn out of a giant lobster tank. It’s fucking communism.

Photos: Splash News / Getty

Chris Martin Cheated On Gwyneth Paltrow With A Lowly Commoner

April 7th, 2014 // 8 Comments
This Makes More Sense
Gwyneth Paltrow Nipples
Conscious Uncoupling Is A Clever Ruse Read More »

While Gwyneth Paltrow had the quiet poise and sophistication to conduct her affairs with captains of industry, Chris Martin has reportedly debased himself by sleeping with a common peasant. Page Six reports:

NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live“ in 2011 with Coldplay. Martin also made an appearance on “Weekend Update” with Fred Armisen and Kristin Wiig as Garth & Kat.
One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, “He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties.”

An assistant? Ewwww. I bet she has scurvy. Which probably explains why Gwyneth Paltrow’s rep threw Chris Martin right under the mass transit contraption where he belongs: More »