Someone Tell Farrah Abraham That Jessica Alba Doesn’t Look A Thing Like Her

July 22nd, 2014 // 14 Comments
What Would Jesus Do?
Farrah Abraham Pocket Pussy
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I talk a lot of shit about Jessica Alba, but that’s only because she won’t get naked, so it’s actually kind of cute when you think about it. Seductive, even. But at the end of the day, she is a Hollywood actress who gets cast in (quasi-)non-pornographic movies that actually get made and are shown in a movie theater. Which makes it all the more ridiculous that Farrah Abraham would float her name in connection to a theoretical movie about her stupid sex tape book that she didn’t even write. Except now we know that Farrah thinks she looks like Jessica Alba if Jessica Alba’s nose came from Easter Island, so at least there’s that. Us Weekly reports:

Though she claims her fans have been asking her to star in a movie version of her new book, Abraham has no intentions of stepping in front of the camera to play Fallon. More »

Jay Z & Beyonce Are Consciously Uncoupling

July 22nd, 2014 // 34 Comments
This Is Getting Awkward
Beyonce Butt Thong See Through Bodysuit Jay Z 65th Grammy Awards
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A few weeks back, the Internet lost its shit after Beyonce started changing song lyrics to oddly specific accusations of Jay Z cheating on her. And now comes word that they’re trying to pretend to be happily married long enough to make it through their “On The Run” tour which makes the fart-sniffing trailer about ridin’ and dyin’ together all the more ridiculous. Which is a goddamn impressive feat considering it already had Jake Gyllenhaal and Sean Penn playing a white gangsta dispensing philosophical knowledge about barbeques in the hood. Page Six reports:

While Jay Z seemingly is the one most at fault, he’s also the one doing all in his power to keep the couple together, even hiring marriage counselors who are believed to be traveling with the super duo on their tour, the source said.
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing . . . This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front,” the source said.
Despite the tens of millions the couple will pocket from the current tour, this will certainly be their last and the end of the tour could officially spell the end of the marriage, the source said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jay is the one most at fault? I know he was cheating a lot, but did anyone stop and think for a minute that Beyonce is best friends with Gwyneth Paltrow? Can you even imagine what it’s like being married to that? Picture this: More »

What’s Up, Arianny Celeste? And Other News

July 21st, 2014 // 14 Comments

- George Clooney is “marrying up,” according to George Clooney. [Lainey Gossip]

- Nobody watched LeAnn Rimes‘ reality show. You’re alright, humanity. [Dlisted]

- I didn’t know Kim Kardashian came in non-Armenian. [theCHIVE]

- Jonah Hill officiated Adam Levine‘s wedding. Jonah Hill. [Fishwrapper]

- Bear Grylls got Zac Efron to rappel down a waterfall. [The Frisky]

- Martha Hunt‘s in a bikini. [Popoholic]

- The plot of Star Wars: Episode VII has been “leaked.” [Starpulse]

- Why is Sasquatch in a bathtub with American Psycho? [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Genevieve Morton. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lea Michele is still Instagramming her ass. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Chris Brown Threw A Charity Kickball Game

July 21st, 2014 // 16 Comments

Chris Brown just got out of jail for violating his probation from beating the shit out of a woman, so why wouldn’t Paris Hilton, Carmen Electra, Amber Rose, Christina Milian, and Kendall and Kylie Jenner show up to his charity kickball game? What does violence against women have to do with them? It’s not like Rihanna‘s head was the ball like he wanted. And kept asking for. Again and again and again.

Photos: AKM-GSI

Where’d Selena Gomez’s Implants Go?

July 21st, 2014 // 22 Comments

Because people like me will never understand how breasts work (Chlorophyll?), there’s been a lot of talk recently about Selena Gomez getting implants. Except here she is over the weekend looking noticeably less chestier which means she probably didn’t get new boobs. Unless… she forgot to do that thing where she sticks her thumb in her mouth and blows really hard to inflate them which I don’t see how it couldn’t be. Case closed!

Adding… She said what about what now? A Gaza strip? What’s that? Some sort of vagina thing?

Photos: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Kanye West: A Blowfish Who Married His Dinosaur

July 21st, 2014 // 58 Comments
Kanye West GQ

Kanye West is GQ‘s cover interview for the month of August, and so naturally that comes with a goldmine of quotes about how he’s a blowfish, the Martin Luther King Jr. of celebrity rights, and married his dinosaur who’s also a fighter jet or something. The main point is that Kanye doesn’t do uncool shit because anything Kanye does will eventually become cool because he’s Kanye. Basically you’re in for a treat.

Excerpts From Kanye’s GQ Interview After The Jump

Lindsay Lohan’s In A Bikini Again

July 21st, 2014 // 83 Comments

When you’re a hard-working actress fresh off of an award for Biggest Comeback, it’s important to take a moment and relax on the yacht you’ve been blowing a man to be on for the past week. Also, pop a lot of zits. That’s really the key to this whole sexy stew. I’m talking way more important than not looking like a barnacle with tits. You just let the coke bloat handle that.

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Putin Shot Stephen Seagal’s Estonian Blues Career Out of The Sky

July 21st, 2014 // 14 Comments
Seagal For Governor
Steven Seagal
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While the passengers of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17 and their loved ones suffered a horrific tragedy last week that shook the international community, no one’s talking about the real victim in all of this: Steven Seagal. Once an aspiring blues musician about to make it big on the Estonian festival circuit, he’s now watching his musical dreams disintegrate like so many commercial airlines shot by missiles his bestest buddy in the world gave to a bunch of separatists. The Guardian reports:

The announcement of Seagal’s headlining slot at Augustibluus, a blues festival held the beginning of August in the western town of Haapsalu for over 20 years, was met with a swift outcry, with Estonian rock singer Tõnis Mägi calling for a boycott. Estonia’s foreign minister, Urmas Paet, told the Tallinn daily Delfi: “Steven Seagal has become active in politics in the last few months in a manner not befitting a world which honours states based on the rule of law.”

This was too much for the organisers of Augustibluus, who – after the downing of Malaysian Airlines flight mH17– announced Seagal would be dropped from their lineup.
“We hoped the Estonian public would first and foremost see Steven Seagal as an actor and a musician. It turns out what they saw was rather a politician and a henchman,” festival director Indrek Ditman said in a press release. “To many in Estonia, it came as a major surprise that the action movie hero is a blues musician. Likewise, the organisers and numerous others were unpleasantly surprised by his political views and public statements.”

On a more positive note, Steven Seagal has been invited to the Arizona Border Blues Bonanza provided he brings back one of them “Russia missiles” and teaches everyone how to aim it at Mexico. He said that’s a pretty tall order before smiling and pulling one out from behind Arizona’s ear. “Why do you think I was even over there? Besides power. Unstoppable power.”

Photos: Getty