Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed where I’ve now been informed that in editing this post daily I’m actually complicit in the sexual assault of children except, HAHA!, joke’s on you, I’ve owned a panel van since 2003. So, if you guys think I shouldn’t have posted Simon Cowell not even letting a little thing like it being nighttime and therefore no reason to have your hairy manbags out, for the sake of his week-old kid he can’t stop parading around photographers, go ahead and don’t write something hilarious in the comments below it. And if we’re going to get technical, I guess don’t say anything mean about Ryan Sweeting either, because if that face isn’t clearly saying “Oh fuck me, I put a baby in that crazy,” then I don’t deserve this pedorazzi diploma after all.
Right here, Dax Shepard, pass that on to your wife,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
In 2009, I picked up a copy of Love All The People: The Essential Bill Hicks which had a profound effect on how I approached comedy, politics, and humanity in general. Although, apparently not profound enough because five years later I’m still writing this above a gallery of celebrity tits. Anyway, my point is Bill Hicks was a goddamn prophet, and to commemorate the 20th anniversary of his death (Which has literally left me in such an anxious, panicked frenzy for years that I would die of cancer in my early 30s that I subjected myself to a colonoscopy just last week.) Patton Oswalt published a forward he’d written last year to appear in a new edition of Cynthia True’s American Scream which never materialized. So here that is so hopefully some of you will be exposed to one of the greatest voices in stand-up comedy before we return to celebrities making wacky, wild faces! *sprays you with seltzer water* Bring the kids.
Bill Hicks: 20 Years Gone – Patton Oswalt
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I just spent 8,000 words talking about the #pedorazzi, so here are Kat Dennings‘ breasts which I don’t have to write any words about because they’re Kat Dennings’ breasts. They Kat Dennings’ breasts themselves.
Kat Dennings’ Breasts Saying Words If You’re Into That After The Jump
Yesterday, Just Jared and People magazine publicly blew themselves over their editorial decisions to join Entertainment Tonight in no longer publishing unauthorized photos or videos of celebrity’s children with obvious exceptions for red carpet photos and sporting events. (Although, People gave themselves some wiggle room by saying “news-worthiness” could override that decision.) Except all of this was nothing more than these outlets making it clear that they’re in the celebrity butthole tonguing business even if those buttholes belong to Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard. Two actors (applied loosely for the latter) who made a baby and then were shocked, just shocked, that the paparazzi would dare to keep taking pictures of them while they were holding it. More »
Here’s Beyonce‘s new video for “Partition” as in “driver roll up the partition please, I don’t need you seeing ‘Yonce on her knees,” because it’s a song about blowing Jay Z and letting him “Monica Lewinsky all over my gown.” (Actual lyrics.) For you see, Beyonce just wants to be the kind of girl that Jay Z likes, and that kind of a girl is a stripper who will let you splooge all over her clothes. Because, really, deep down, who doesn’t want that? Even your mom does.
Beyonce ‘Partition’ Video After The Jump
“Yeah, we’re still not getting married.”
Over the past few weeks, there’s been rumor after rumor about Katy Perry getting engaged to John Mayer except now E! News is reporting she dumped his ass which I’m sure had nothing to do with a press campaign to box him into proposing. Guys love that:
A source close to the pair exclusively tells E! News that Perry broke up with Mayer within the last few days.
No other details about what prompted the “Dark Horse” singer’s decision were forthcoming, but Mayer was noticeably absent from Perry’s side on her recent trip to London and Milan. She returned home to Los Angeles on Friday.
Of course, another factor to consider is the two of them released a shit-awful duet back in December, “Who You Love,” which reasonably should’ve left them unable to look each other in the eye without crying and gnashing of teeth. Katy Perry probably tried to scrub her huge jugs with a Brillo pad just to feel clean for a minute, just one minute, and John Mayer didn’t even offer to help. That’s when she knew. That’s when she knew…
John Mayer ‘Who You Love ft. Katy Perry’ After The Jump