Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles might be a childhood-raping CGI abortion that already made enough money to greenlight a sequel because you people are the fucking devil except here’s Michael Bay proving he still serves a purpose in this world and that purpose is Victoria’s Secret commercials. Sure, any idiot can point a camera at hot models, but it takes a visionary like Michael Bay to dump them in the desert to see if their bodies will explode from the heat. And if not, there’s C4 in the trunk. And under the seats. — Alright, you got him, the whole car’s made of it. “Let’s light matches and bang!”
Photos: Pacific Coast News
If you were on Facebook or Twitter for at least 30 seconds yesterday, then you probably caught wind that NASCAR driver Tony Stewart killed 20-year-old Kevin Ward during a sprint car race Saturday night in New York. The very basic information is that Stewart caused Ward to crash – as rednecks tell me is his wont – prompting Ward to walk down the track, with cars still racing, and attempt to confront Stewart whose car connected with him killing him dead. Where the heated discussions start and will ultimately ignite the next Civil War are whether or not Stewart deliberately tried to fishtail like a hardass to scare the shit out of Ward which went horribly wrong, or he actually meant to run him the fuck over, or an idiot walked into the middle of a race track and natural selection happened. Which is apparently where the police are at because they announced yesterday that there are no pending charges for Stewart. SB Nations reports:
The investigation into the incident that killed sprint car driver Kevin Ward Jr. on Saturday night is still ongoing, according to Ontario County (N.Y.) Sheriff Philip C. Povero. At present, no charges are pending against NASCAR driver Tony Stewart, whose car struck Ward. The fatality occurred at Canandaigua Motorsports Park, a dirt track located in upstate New York.
“As we speak at this time, there is no evidence in hand or no facts that would support a criminal charge or support criminal intent on the part of anybody,” Povero said.
As for why the hell I’m posting any of this, SEO? Maybe? Am I allowed to say that? It’ll help me post Victoria Secret’s models in lingerie faster. — Thought that’d get you on board. We ride!
Video After The Jump
A while back there was a quietly brushed under the rug shitstorm about Miley Cyrus appropriating black culture, so here she is stealing a black woman’s body and Photoshopping it white which should put all of that to bed. Because if there’s one way to truly a respect a race, it’s essentially saying it’d look better with your white face and skin. This is better than reparations.
Miley Cyrus Photoshopped Nicki Minaj’s Butt After The Jump
Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.
I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.
Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
- Kristen Stewart is still bitching about being famous. [Lainey Gossip]
- Sinead O’Connor thinks Justin Bieber is sexually exploited. Run, Usher! She knows! [Dlisted]
- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]
- Julia Roberts is talking shit about Halle Berry. [Fishwrapper]
- If Ryan Gosling didn’t know Jane Fonda wants him to eat her vagina, he does now. [The Frisky]
- January Jones in lingerie, anyone? [WWTDD]
- I will fucking kill you, Hayden Christensen. Fucking kill you dead. [Popoholic]
- Beyonce‘s still trying to shut down divorce rumors. [Starpulse]
- Jennifer Aniston won’t “inject shit” into her face. [tooFab]
- Remember Victoria Jackson? Apparently she ran for office. And lost. [IDLYITW]
- I don’t pay near enough attention to Nina Dobrev. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Chris Brown is beating the shit out of nature now. [Celebslam]
- Anastasia Ashley‘s butt sells things now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures like Star Wars, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Buckaroo Banzai, and The Last Starfighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a throwback to the piece of shit Transformers movie you just saw four weeks ago. It’s everything wrong with Hollywood right down to casting Whoopi Goldberg as a sassy black woman whose sole purpose is to not want to hear ’bout no karate kicking turtles and then literally disappearing for the rest of the movie. So right off the bat, yes, you can feel Michael Bay all over this thing. Touching it, caressing it, maybe asking if it wants to hang in the Jacuzzi later. You know, there could be a sequel if it plays it cards right…
‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Review After The Jump
So good news: I survived Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles without vital organs sloughing out of my butt. However, the loss of my time along with subsequent brain damage will affect every man, woman, and child on the planet. Or just the ones following me on Twitter. Anyway, to make up for a light day while I get to work writing about everything wrong with Hollywood ninja kicking a robot samurai, here’s this week’s The Most Important People on The Internet which may include a selection from my “private collection.” I’m still a bit disoriented from seeing a movie that entirely hinges on Megan Fox‘s acting. There aren’t enough filthy Ferraris in the world to justify that. Unless Michael Bay‘s moved onto economy sedans… Jesus Christ, we’re all dead.
THE SUPERFICIAL | About • Facebook • Twitter
Alright, folks, Photo Boy’s on vacation, so I’ve been flying/scrambling solo today and have to catch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shortly. Hopefully, I’ll dodge the same fate as my attempt to review Guardians of The Galaxy (which I still haven’t seen again yet), but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine because I have zero interest in seeing this raccoons-with-machine-guns-less piece of shit outside of writing 10,000 words about why it’s a piece of shit, so look for that later today. For real this time. On that note, here’s Sylvie van der Vaart to keep you busy, but no fapping or Kate Upton won’t get naked. We’re focusing on the big picture now.