How Dare Mere Muggles Tell Gwyneth Paltrow Not To Ride Her Vespa?!

September 19th, 2014 // 6 Comments
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Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
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Last year, Gwyneth Paltrow was filmed cutting off a school bus (above) with her Vespa as her daughter rode behind her because the laws of physics are a beggar’s game. Except apparently the lowly mortals who call themselves “school chiefs” felt they had the authority to dictate Gwyneth’s means of conveyance while sloughing her children into their ramshackle of a teaching facility. There’s not even a gluten-free tapas bar! What happened to education for the wealthy in this country? Page Six reports:

A source told us: “The scooters had been convenient for zipping around Los Angeles traffic, and dropping the kids off at school without having to wait with other parents and kids in the car-pool line. But after Gwyneth was photographed on the Vespa pulling out in front of a bus, school chiefs reprimanded her and said they’d rather she and Chris didn’t bring the kids to school on scooters.”

While Chris Martin‘s rep couldn’t give less fucks, Gwyneth’s has already responded and get ready for a giant horseshit pill to swallow:

“This story is not true. It was last year that they would occasionally drive the kids to school on scooters. This year, the kids take the bus.”

Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids take the bus. That’s what she expects us to believe here. Her rep could’ve said the children each ride a Pegasus that lands safely on the roof where it eats enchanted carrots until it’s time to go home, and I would’ve sat here going, “Yup, that happens. That definitely happens.” But the bus? Jesus Christ, lady.

Photo: TMZ

Jennifer Lopez & Iggy Azalea Hope You Like Asses

September 19th, 2014 // 43 Comments

So remember Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video? Apparently Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea did because here’s their video for “Booty” which makes “Anaconda” look like a shitty ripoff of “Baby Got Back” but with Nicki Minaj’s fake butt bouncing around. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Wait, wasn’t it supposed to look like that?” poor Photo Boy just screencapped eight million asses. Why the hell are you even reading this? Are you on drugs? If you’re on drugs, your mother and I will get you help, but you gotta talk to us.

Jennifer Lopez ‘Booty Ft. Iggy Azalea’ After The Jump

Good Morning, Chelsea Heath, And Other News

September 19th, 2014 // 6 Comments

- Chris Martin‘s singing for Jennifer Lawrence at his concerts now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Matthew McConaughey is officially not in Magic Mike XXL. THIS WORLD MUST BURN. [Dlisted]

- Bouncing Breast GIFs. Don’t resist them. [theCHIVE]

- Lindsay Lohan looks.. healthy? No, that can’t be right. [Fishwrapper]

- GWAR has a new lead singer named Vulvatron. We live in a bold new age. [The Frisky]

- Cameron Diaz poses in her underwear for GQ Germany. [WWTDD]

- Anne Hathaway knows Tai Chi. [Popoholic]

- Gwen Stefani is straight up calling Adam Levine offensive in interviews. [tooFab]

- Anastasia Ashley‘s ass made a video. [IDLYITW]

- What’s up, Maryna Linchuk? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Bruce Jenner has to be trolling us. [Celebslam]

- Jesus Christ, Caitlin Stasey… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Other Models Are Mean To Kendall™, You Guys

September 18th, 2014 // 59 Comments

Kendall Jenner genuinely believes her modeling career is solely the result of “hard work,” and being like super pretty, but even models whose diets consist of a sprig of kale and heroin know it’s because someone who fell out of the same vagina as her got peed on in a sex tape. In Touch Weekly reports:

“The other models worked so hard to get a spot on the runway and didn’t think it was fair that she was there,” a source tells the new issue of In Touch, revealing that as revenge they decided to mess with her.
“Some [of the models] put out their cigarettes in Kendall’s drink!” the source explains. “They thought she was getting special treatment and just weren’t OK with it.”

“NO, NOT CIGARETTES IN HER DRINK! Is she alright? We should probably call the police. — Or In Touch. They would probably buy this. Tell her, um, tell her mommy’s handling this, and she did the right thing by talking to somebody, and of course we won’t tell anyone about it because then the other girls will know she snitched. I know have their number somewhere…”

Photos: Getty

A Lady Gaga Post? Okay, Why Not?

September 18th, 2014 // 25 Comments

So remember Lady Gaga? Weird nose, kind of a Madonna thing going on? It’s not important. Anyway, here she is in Athens yesterday where she did a bunch of stuff with her tits and ass which I’m now posting on the Internet for people to get boners from because journalism isn’t always NFL players beating women and children with abandon. It’s sometimes butts.

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Avril Lavigne & Chad Kroeger Headed For Divorce

September 18th, 2014 // 35 Comments

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger already shat in our ears musically, so what other purpose could their marriage possibly serve after that? It did what Satan intended it to do, and now it’s time for her to fuck some other shitty band from my freshman year of college. Us Weekly reports:

“It’s over,” a source tells Us. “He has been going around L.A. telling people that they are divorcing.”

Check it out, I’ve got the dude from Papa Roach on the line. You should definitely talk to him and not click on the link I used for his name. That’s just some stupid website shit. No reason to look at it.

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Photos: FameFlynet

Mexico Wants To Kill Miley Cyrus Now

September 18th, 2014 // 19 Comments
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If Breaking Bad taught me any lessons in life, it’s that a man shouldn’t have to ask for some goddamn pancakes, and that Mexico will cut your head off and stick it onto an exploding turtle. Which is why I couldn’t be more excited to tell you that it hates Miley Cyrus now. TMZ reports:

Miley was performing Tuesday night — on Mexican Independence Day, mind you — in Monterrey, Mexico when one of her dancers slapped her prosthetic butt with a Mexican flag.
Apparently Mexican officials are super sensitive about disrespecting national symbols so the congress of the state of Nuevo Leon wants her prosecuted. The crime of desecration carries a $1,200 fine and a 36 hour jail sentence.

If any of mi hermanos are reading this south of the border, you should probably know that Vagina Wedgero often disguises herself as a woman named “Justin Bieber” before violating an innocent, young Latina girl. Your vengeance must be strong!

Miley Cyrus Ass Spanked With The Mexican Flag After The Jump

Jenny McCarthy Lost Her Wedding Ring Already

September 18th, 2014 // 21 Comments
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Because Jenny McCarthy is like super hilariously dumb, you guys – haha, *snort* – she already totally lost her wedding ring, and she hasn’t even been married a whole month! *farrrt* But definitely listen to her for medical advice though. Us Weekly reports, and brace yourself to not reads the words, “I thought it was candy!” I’m as shocked as you are:

I’ve already lost the ring,” McCarthy, 41, said on the local Fox program. “We were staying in a hotel and you can’t have a wedding ring on… it’s a little hard to get romantic with diamonds on your hand. I removed it and put it on the room service table and they came and turned down the room and the ring was gone… But you know what though? If you’re gonna lose your wedding ring, you should lose it that way.”

Asked for how he felt about his wife losing a ring that probably cost him tens of thousands of dollars, Donnie Wahlberg responded, “I had sex with a pair of giant tits. It served its purpose.”

Photo: AKM-GSI, INFphoto, Splash News