Tila Tequila Is A Mother, This Is Our World Now

November 18th, 2014 // 15 Comments
Jews Killed Paul Walker
Tila Tequila Nazi
And Other Crazy Things A Man Had To Ignore To Have Sex With This. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Since we’re now almost exclusively in the business of reporting awful shit happening to children, here’s the announcement that Tila Tequila replicated, which is the only word I’ll used to describe her somehow making another life form. Via Us Weekly:

I just want my baby to be proud of me and to know how much I love him or her. To love someone else unconditionally is one of the best feelings in the entire world, and I hope I will have plenty more pregnancies to come.”

HA! This idiot’s life plan is to just keep shitting out kids? Just so everyone’s clear just how delusional this is, we’re literally talking about a Nazi midget, who believes she has psychic abilities that she somehow can’t use for profit, so she has to repeatedly release sex tapes. It’s almost like she believes that men are so dumb and horny, they’ll ignore all of that to put their penises near her huge fake ti– California, tell your people to stay away. Stay away now, don’t – don’t come in here. Whatever you hear, stay away! TILA TEQUILA HAS THE UPPER HAND!

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photo: David Nguyen

Willow & Jaden Smith Sniffed All The Farts, The Farts Are Gone

November 18th, 2014 // 98 Comments
Willow Jaden Smith
Previously In Entitlement
Gwyneth Paltrow
The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Read More »

While I was buried deep inside Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday – *rereads* Yup, that came out right. – apparently two other pretentious twatwaffles were busy fumigating the New York Times with their metaphysical butt fumes which they openly huffed while pontificating on reality, the human mind, and babies breathing energy while they’re building their bones in the womb only to be shoved into a world that crushes them into boring morons who make shitty music. Or something. I honestly understood about half of this, and the other half I chalked up to Willow and Jaden Smith reading a Scientology pamphlet once and making a conscious decision to repeat words from it even if they didn’t know what a single one of them meant. Unfortunately, none of those words were, “Tom Cruise derives his flight powers from the butt,” but that’s what you get from a reality that’s nothing but a holographic image made by a highly-evolved space consciousness, amirite? You ever see one of those try and change a tire? Fucking disaster. Anyway, here’s the stupid:

Excerpts From Willow & Jaden Smith’s New York Times Interview After The Jump

Good Morning, Alexandra Eriksson, And Other News

November 18th, 2014 // 6 Comments

- There are Benedict Cumberbatch engagement truthers now? Goddammit, Internet… [Lainey Gossip]

- June Shannon is in Dumb and Dumber To. Yup. [Fishwrapper]

- There’s a Christian version of Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course. [Dlisted]

- Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [theCHIVE]

- Victoria’s Silvstedt‘s in a bikini. [WWTDD]

- Charles Manson is getting married. The Charles Manson. [Death and Taxes]

- Where did Megan Fox‘s ass go?! [Popoholic]

- What’s up, Malin Akerman‘s hot sister? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Amber Heard does GQ Russia. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Crap We Missed – Monday 11.17.14

November 17th, 2014 // 447 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed featuring the return of Katy Perry‘s breasts, except she put them on Twitter. This is how out of touch with where the kids are posting themselves half-naked these days she is and wow, that got creepy real fast. Uh…uh…look, Alexander Skarsgard‘s holding this gas pump like it’s his dick! And what the hell is Russell Brand staring at in the sky? I bet it’s not pseudo child porn…

And fuck that was probably the worst person to try to legitimize this post with *pulls rip cord,*

- Photo Boy

Click Here To Start The Gallery

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Splash News

The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Is Quintessential GOOP

November 17th, 2014 // 34 Comments

We’re beginning our initial descent into the maw of the holiday beast where we’ll be slowly digested over the course of the next six weeks. So to speed up that process, here’s the 2014 GOOP Gift Guide which promises to try and stay under $100, yet immediately starts with a $285 zipper wallet that some asshole’s trying to call a “currency case.” For that kind of money, it should have a tiny panda inside that blows you, and before you say that’s ridiculous, I just told you a zipper wallet costs $285 because some jerk changed the name to “currency case.” You’re missing the trees for the Blowjay Panda.

The 2014 Gift Guide After The Jump

ANGELINA JOLIE’S BEWBS!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments

As advertised in the classiest headline of your life, here are Angelina Jolie’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards where, granted, they’re not a naked, Photoshopped FUPA – I’m sorry, squelchy pudendum. – I know for a fact they still have enough Internet juice in them to break something. Perhaps a small Croatian cat blog. Or maybe even AOL. Remember AOL? (Still in business? Get the fuck out. How?)

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off At A Poker Game

November 17th, 2014 // 32 Comments
Jose Canseco

A few weeks back, Jose Canseco managed to do the impossible by shooting his finger off and bringing together both sides of the gun control argument to laugh at his stupidity. Even more amazingly, I learned from gun nuts that, “It went off while I was cleaning it!” almost always means “I was playing with it like an idiot.” For that brief second, we actually stopped being partisan adversaries and were just normal assholes laughing at a moron’s misfortune on the Internet. It was the single most beautiful moment in my life. Anyway, since then, Jose had the finger reattached, but in the shittiest way possible because it smelled like death-ass and fell off in the middle of a poker tournament which he live-tweeted because why not?

Jose Canseco Tweets About His Finger Falling Off After The Jump

Emily Ratajkowski’s Breasts Deserve A Post

November 17th, 2014 // 21 Comments

I almost just tossed these pics of Emily Ratajkowski’s breasts at the Hollywood Film Awards into the drunk Johnny Depp post and said something like, “Haha, wouldn’t it have been better posted if I talked about these, you guys?” But then I realized her breasts are people, too, and deserve their own post. So as punishment for my crime, I’ve already taken the time to dress myself and changed out of pajama pants before 5 PM – *watches Photo Boy faint* – because what I did was wrong and I’m man enough to admit it. On that note, I’ll now accept arguments on why I should also chop off a hand. Let’s open the floor.

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Carlos Piaggio / MPNC/AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News