Michelle Rodriguez & Zac Efron Broke Up

August 21st, 2014 // 15 Comments

And just as soon as it began, Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron‘s relationship is already over, so assume the whole thing went exactly like this: “Oh. Sniff. Hey. Sniff. Oh. You like coke? Sniff. Yeah. Cool. Sniff. Oh, shit, we’re fucking? Uh uh uh. Sniff. Yeah! Sniff. Backflips, yeah, backflips! Let’s do ‘em! WHOO! Sniff. Fuck. I gotta get back – sniff – and movie. Sniff. Hey, weren’t you that chick in Lost? Sniff. Hey. Alright. Sniff. Shit. Bye.”

(That literally works with either one of them saying it. I know. That’s the beauty of it.)

Photo: CIAO/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News

Kirk Cameron’s Talking Again

August 21st, 2014 // 63 Comments
Kirk Cameron
You Can't Censor God!
Kirk Cameron Unstoppable Facebook
Just The Spam Filled Server I Hosted My Trailer On Read More »

When Heaven Is For Real came out, I made the mistake of responding to my mother’s interest in seeing it by pointing out how demonstrably full of shit and pandering it is instead of staring at her blankly and waiting for the words to stop. I know better. She then responded with the profound statement of, “Hollywood’s not just going to start making Christian movies for the money,” because naturally Hollywood’s in the Satan business, and it isn’t going to betray its Dark Master just to make buckets upon buckets of easy money from group ticket sales to churches. You can’t even buy hookers and coke with that. It’s imbued with special God magic that bursts into flames if your intentions aren’t pure. Anyway, now that I’ve shown you the axe I’m about to grind, here’s Kirk Cameron promoting his new movie Mercy Rule which is always a special time for me thanks to the abundance of low hanging Jesus-fruit. FOX News reports because of course:

But how did an 18-year-old actor find God on the set of “Growing Pains” at the height of his success?
“I think eventually if people are thoughtful you start asking grown up questions like, ‘How did the world get started? Where did we come from? Where are we going? Why are we here?’ and I guess when I, as a child, I just sort of had blind faith in the fairytale that they way we got here was from goo to the zoo to you,” he told FOX411. “I finally said that doesn’t sound right and someone took me to church and kind of opened my eyes to what I believe is the truth about who we are and why we’re here.”

“Sure, a scientific method that’s constantly evaluating data for accuracy sounds good on paper. But I wanted something more concrete than the closest thing to facts you can get in this world. Which is why as soon as I heard about two naked people being dropped into a magic garden with a talking snake, I knew I had found the answer. No more fairy tales for this guy. Except for my fictional movies starring fictional characters responding to fictional events. Those are because my wife and I can never find anything good on.” More »

Gwyneth Paltrow Did The Ice Bucket Challenge In A Bikini, Nominates Chris Martin

August 21st, 2014 // 25 Comments
Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini Ice Challenge

With the exception of Katy Perry, and probably a few others I’m too lazy to Google, most celebrities recognize this is for charity and have been keeping their Ice Bucket Challenges relatively tame which is probably why I hate them so much. Except here’s Gwyneth Paltrow doing hers in a bikini because she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper, you guys. What is she supposed to do? Wear pants? On top of that, she nominated Chris Martin because their conscious uncoupling is such a super friendly and chill separation unlike, eww, divorce, that she’s totally at peace with him nailing Jennifer Lawrence in a vineyard as we speak. And she’ll be even more at peace as soon he dumps a bucket of ice water on his dick. Chop chop. People are dying.

Gwyneth Paltrow Does Ice Bucket Challenge In A Bikini After The Jump

Kim Kardashian Destroyed Mariah Carey’s Marriage

August 21st, 2014 // 25 Comments
Child Support Is Coming
Mariah Carey Breasts Lingerie Twitter
Mariah Carey's Divorcing Her Butler Read More »

Scientists have long since theorized that the gravity around Kim Kardashian‘s ass is capable of destroying matter if not converting it into dark matter which is kind of redundant. (Smartest, if not slightly racist, penis joke you’ll ever read in your life.) So what that in mind, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that marriages are being instantly vaporized in its wake with Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon‘s divorce bringing its death toll to six.* Seven if you count Gwyneth Paltrow‘s which I do because they’ve met. TMZ reports:

Our sources say … Nick’s appearance on Big Boy’s radio show in March was the beginning of the end. Nick played Big Boy’s game — name the 5 celebs you’ve slept with. Nick named 5, but our sources say the one that made Mariah insane was Kim Kardashian.
We’re told Mariah tore into Nick for weeks … feeling humiliated and the relationship never recovered.
We’re told it went from bad to worse when Nick went on Howard Stern and talked about Mariah not giving it up before they got hitched. She went nuclear.

Here’s where I’m put in a difficult position: By all logic, Kim’s marriage should be rapidly dissolving if not already over by now. However, Kanye West seems to be preventing that by staying clear the fuck away from her, so maybe he really does love her? I mean, he’s doing everything right to keep their marriage together. He’s probably even looking into moon landings. “Bitch’ll never find me up here. — God, I love her so much.” *kanyeweeps*

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Photos: Getty

(*1. Her parents. 2. Her first one that everybody forgets about. 3. That week she married Kris Humphries. 4. Her mom’s again. 5. Khloe’s. 6. Nick Cannon’s.)

Lindsay Lohan Demanded To Do The Ice Bucket Challenge In The Middle of A Club

August 21st, 2014 // 21 Comments
Still Fucking Up
Lindsay Lohan Tina Fey Instagram
And Screwing Over Tina Fey Read More »

Lindsay Lohan‘s production of Speed-the-Plow opens in a month, so naturally she’s terrorizing clubs in New York by trying to pay with a maxed out credit card and demanding to do the Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the floor. Page Six reports:

She appeared at Up & Down on Monday, where sources tell us she insisted on doing the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge in the middle of the venue, using two Champagne buckets.
While the former OWN star did drench herself with ice water, unfortunately nobody appears to have been focused enough to catch it on video for the ensuing social media blitz.

Of course, one might argue that Lindsay was simply rehearsing for her appearance on The Tonight Show, but the only thing Lindsay rehearses is converting international currency into American dollars in case her johns ask for change. When you realize you just gave away a blowjob for $4.12, you bone up on your exchange rates. But I don’t have to tell you people that. I’ve seen what you do at night.

Lindsay Lohan ALS Ice Bucket Challenge After The Jump

Good Goddamn Morning, Tahiti Cora & Anais Zanotti, And Other News

August 21st, 2014 // 22 Comments

- Anna Wintour did the Ice Bucket Challenge? Okay… [Lainey Gossip]

- Jesus Christ, Anna Nicole Smith‘s estate has still been gold-digging all this time? [Dlisted]

- Why Would You Ever Get Out of Bed? [theCHIVE]

- Brandi Glanville is shutting LeAnn Rimes‘ shit down. [Fishwrapper]

- Isn’t being homeless already a Hunger Games theme park? [The Frisky]

- JWoww doesn’t want to have sex anymore. That shouldn’t be a problem. [WWTDD]

- Minka Kelly is still hot. Also nipply. [Popoholic]

- Robin Williams has been cremated in case you need every goddamn detail of his death. [Starpulse]

- Jimmy Fallon trimmed Jared Leto‘s beard, but what about the top of his penis helmet? [tooFab]

- Chrissy Teigen and Rita Ora make a nice pair. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Lana Zakocela… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

A Special Thanks From The Desk of The Superficial

August 20th, 2014 // 140 Comments
My Desk

Seven years ago today, Karl Wang plucked me out of nowhere and published my first post on The Superficial which you can see here. It reads like shit, and I’ve only marginally improved as a writer, but I won’t bore you to tears with how I obtained the power of The Glow despite my pale, almost bone-white skin and earned the mantle of “Fish” only a few weeks later. That’s a tale for others to etch into a mountain, and mostly I forget a lot of it. In fact, if you put a gun to my head, I’ll swear we all experienced a collective “flash-forward,” and the year 2009 never even happened in the traditional sense of how we perceive time, but enough about my prescient insights that will guide future generations. More »

Rihanna’s Touching Her Vagina Because ‘School Kills.’ Sure, Why Not?

August 20th, 2014 // 9 Comments

Whenever I stick my hands down my pants and complain about the education system, people are always like, “Sir, this is a Starbucks,” or, “I don’t know how he keeps getting out of the car, we have child locks,” but apparently when Rihanna does it, it’s sexy cool or some shit. So here she is touching her vagina along with the caption “school. kills” because, I dunno, Sandy Hook maybe? Does masturbating stop school shootings? We should probably see where she’s going with this. *grabs popcorn*

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