No, No, No, Shia LaBeouf’s Penis And Other News

September 9th, 2014 // 21 Comments

- Kristen Wiig might have banged Scott Speedman. [Lainey Gossip]

- Fran Drescher‘s new husband didn’t invent email by the way. [Dlisted]

- Future Lower Back Problems > Fantasy Football [theCHIVE]

- Miley Cyrus bought a hot glue gun and thinks she’s an artist now. [Fishwrapper]

- Mark Driscoll‘s frat boy Jesus empire is crumbling. [Death and Taxes]

- Hannah Ferguson underboob, anyone? [WWTDD]

- Kate Upton‘s breasts haven’t gotten smaller since The Fappening. Thank God. [Popoholic]

- Oh, Jesus, we’re merging boy bands now? Goddammit. [Starpulse]

- Channing Tatum presents “The Dick Graze.” [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Vienna Girardi. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Ashley Benson allegedly has leaked nudes now. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News

The Crap We Missed – Monday 9.8.14

September 8th, 2014 // 471 Comments

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed, located directly under Nina Agdal in a bikini, because I need your help, science. In the natural world, that picture should never be followed by another reminder that we’re all laughing at Jonah Hill eating himself to death, yet here we are. I’ve always considered this post to be the bastard child of the two simultaneously held desires to see shit like Willem Dafoe‘s uncontrollable bloodlust taking over and this old lady‘s nipples, but I need the help of professionals whose college degrees didn’t require classes like Images in Mass Media.

Yes, that was the one where we watched a movie, then talked about the movie. (Please don’t ever stop visiting this page. I can’t go back to the service industry.)

- Photo Boy

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kesha Still Shouldn’t Wear Bathing Suits

September 8th, 2014 // 38 Comments

So remember back in May when Kesha looked sort of decent for a minute? That’s all over now. But before I go any further, is it too soon to say these are almost as bad as the Ray Rice video? Because I definitely told Photo Boy to stop saying that, but he just looked right at me and stabbed a kitten. You think you know somebody.

Photos: AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Suspended From The NFL ‘Indefinitely’

September 8th, 2014 // 33 Comments
Ray Rice
How Is She Not Dead?
Ray Rice
The Ray Rice Video Is Pretty F*cking Bad Read More »

As part of a coordinated effort to make both organizations look like they’ve never seen the video of him knocking out his fiance until today (which contradicts several reports), the Baltimore Ravens officially cut Ray Rice while the NFL has suspended him indefinitely because, again, the elevator video is really that bad, and even worse, that woman’s probably going to be dead after this. What’s important is everybody eventually did the right thing after they all got caught letting a domestic abuser continue to make them millions of dollars while getting rich himself in the process. Because, honestly, the NFL didn’t have to do jackshit and it would’ve kept on chugging along, so you can either consider that a pat on the back, or me shaking my head and going “goddammit…” It works both ways.

Photos: Getty

Beyonce Crashed A Wedding In A Bikini

September 8th, 2014 // 11 Comments

While Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t give a commoner’s wedding the time of day let alone her royal Jewish presence and all the gifts that would bestow, Beyonce at least has the decency to pose with a bride even while acting unnecessarily terrified of her face. The poor girl’s just excited to be married and not yet riddled with the guilt of faking a divorce to boost ticket sales. Surely, you remember what that was like that one time.

Photos: CIAO / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Lindsay Lohan’s Stealing Apps Now

September 8th, 2014 // 14 Comments
No, Not Meryl!
Lindsay Lohan Meryl Streep
Her Story Wasn't Done Yet Read More »

Lindsay Lohan will steal anything that isn’t nailed down, and even then, there’s still a 50/50 chance she’ll melt through the nail with her freckle acid. But I’m not here to talk science, I’m here to talk about Lindsay stealing some dude’s idea for an app and getting sued into next week for it. Page Six reports:

After completing 90 days in rehab last year, Lohan and Michael Jr. are said to have struck a deal with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik to collaborate on his startup, Spotted Friend [Ed. Note: AHAHAHAHA! - SW], a mobile application that allows users to access celebrities’ and friends’ “virtual closets” to identify the designers and buy items from them.
Lindsay tweeted about Spotted Friend in July 2013, and at the time its Web site said, “A Fima Potik & Lindsay Lohan Production.”

And here’s where shit went classic Lindsay:

Last month, Page Six reported that LiLo’s little brother was raising money for Vigme, a “social shopping community.” He said, “If Lindsay buys something, it goes into her [virtual] closet. People see what’s in her closet. If someone else buys [the same item], it puts money into Lindsay’s pocket.”

Which is great because for once Lindsay isn’t at the mercy of the celebrity justice system, and instead the target of a Silicon Valley techie with startup cash pouring out his anus. Then again, this is also a guy who not only thought Lindsay Lohan would make a great business partner, but also lacked the foresight to realize you could jizz all over any closet anywhere and everyone would believe it’s hers. For example, I could go upstairs right now and 30 seconds later people will wonder why Lindsay Lohan owns nothing but superhero T-shirts and two pairs of jeans. The opportunities are limitless.

Photos: FameFlynet, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Kendall Jenner Is Your New Fappening Because The Kardashians Are Satan

September 8th, 2014 // 29 Comments

With The Fappening now being completely banned on reddit, the air is right for the Kardashians to step into that vacuum by making Kendall continue to pull her weight in naked pictures. “She’s 19 now. It won’t kill her to show some asscrack,” are words I like to imagine were spoken because we’re talking about the original lottery winners of the “leaked” sex games racket. And by original I mean they completely ripped off Paris Hilton whose parents may have created shit-awful trust fund babies, but at least didn’t exploit them sexually for fame and fortune. Whereas Kris Jenner went, “Yes, that stuff! Let’s do that stuff. I’ll get my daugther’s butthole.”

Photos: Instagram

Behold! The Royal Uterus Has Been Resperminated! God Save The Queen!

September 8th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Fire Up The Mommy Blogs
Prince George Car Seat Royal Baby
We've Got A Prego To Judge! Read More »

“But, dear, what if it’s.. what if it’s a ginger?”
“Then you shall do what your father lacked the stones to do.”
“Kill mother and grandmother with his own two hands?”
“Haha! Heavens no, but that was a good one. Well done. I’m thinking more along the lines of a cliff and a child flying off of it.”
“But how would it fly- Oh, I see what you’re getting out. Quite good. Tea?”
“Tea.”

Because what’s the point of birthing a Royal Baby if he doesn’t have a younger sibling to try and murder him for the crown? Kate Middleton has officially announced her second pregnancy. People report:

“Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child,” said the official announcement Monday morning.
“The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.”

However, not all is well in the kingdom, for once again, The Duchess suffers from Hyperemesis gravidarum which, according to my research, is some sort of Harry Potter spell that makes you puke your fucking face off. Medically speaking. More »