And Now Back To BEWBS (Specifically Courtney Stodden And Mozart Ones)

October 15th, 2014 // 22 Comments

For the sake of this post, let’s pretend I have two types of readers because broad generalizations are fun and easy. There are the thinkers and the boob lookers, and like any good parent, I love both of you equally. (To your face. Privately? I’ve plotted one of your deaths. Again, like a good parent.) So to keep things fair after the Michelle Obama post, here are Courtney Stodden‘s breasts at some thing somewhere, and below is Sara X performing Mozart’s “Eine kleine Nachtmusik” with hers. Which is particularly amazing because I dated a music major in college and not once did she whip this trick out. Maybe I would’ve gone to more recitals. Love is about meeting each other halfway. Or entirely catering to only one person’s kinks. Pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to.

Sara X Does ‘Eine kleine Nachtmusik’ After The Jump

Why.. Why Is The First Lady Dancing With A Turnip? Were We Attacked?

October 15th, 2014 // 59 Comments
Michelle Obama Turnip
Dodged That Bullet
Sarah Palin
At Least This Isn't In The White House Read More »

As a filthy libtard, I don’t consider the First Lady of the United States encouraging kids to eat their vegetables a vast government overreach that needs to be fought back with diabetic child patriots stuffed to the gills with cookies and sugar water. Jesus Christ, George Bush let Arnold Schwarzenegger force us all to do chin-ups in the 90s – *twitches* Why can the girls do more than me?! *twitches again* – and yet, “Hey, maybe eat some greens,” is apparently how Hitler got started. That said, I don’t who the fuck told Michelle Obama to get on Vine and do a turnip rap, but that person needs to be fired. Yes, everybody is talking about it, but not in the context of, “You know what? I should eat more vegetables.” Although, if your child is going, “Yay, turnips!” being handicapped makes them more special. You’ve been given a gift.

Michelle Obama’s Vine Video After The Jump

BREAKING: Amber Rose Has A Butt

October 15th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Amber Rose Butt Instagram

I’ve been at this job for seven years now, so I really shouldn’t be surprised when the most ridiculous shit possible ends up turning into a huge Internet story, and yet here’s Amber Rose’s butt which apparently no one in entertainment media has seen until now. It’s not like that thing just grew overnight. It takes a four man team at least two days to pump it up. Three the weekend Jorge died. *pours out 40* Duermes con el Niño Jesús ahora, mi pequeño bombeador de culo.

Amber Rose’s Ass After The Jump

Ewan McGregor Might Be Doctor Strange

October 15th, 2014 // 13 Comments
OH, OH I KNOW THIS ONE!
Captain America Iron Man Avengers
It's Metal Man And Major USA, Right? Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

Here are all of the things I know about Doctor Strange:

1. Jackshit.

With that in mind, Fish, being the sadistic bastard he is, assigned me this post during our morning “editorial meeting,” [Ed. Note: I already made an Eye of Agamotto penis joke. There's nothing more to say. - SW] which yes, is a Skype call where we each take turns hanging up to sprint to the bathroom after the coffee kicks in. It’s exactly like The Wall Street Journal but with more poop talk. (Suck it, Cronkite. Seriously, ask me if I give a shit if that reference made any sense.) Anyway, according to this website that I’ve never visited in my life, they’ve come across some extremely flimsy evidence that Ewan McGregor could maybe probably possibly be or not be in Marvel‘s next grab at a trillion dollars. Via Badass Digest:

Yesterday a new source contacted me and said that Ewan McGregor had been prepping for the role – doing the usual research actors do when looking at taking on an adaptation or existing character. I contacted one of my usual sources and asked if this was true, and I was told “They’re looking at him.”

HOLY FUCK! This dork’s usual source somehow managed to squeeze out the most generic, non-committal confirmation that a studio is aware of an actor and they still have an open role for a film they’re currently producing!! I know it sounds cynical and probably a bit odd for me to be slamming nerd glee so hard considering who ultimately pays my bar tabs, so I promise to get super jacked in the 30 seconds before this movie starts when Fish explains to me what the fuck it is I’m about to watch. Until then, for the love of Christ, seek out vaginas (or butts if that’s your thing, no judgements here), they really are fantastic.

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Photo: Splash News

Amanda Bynes Will Be Locked Up For A While

October 15th, 2014 // 41 Comments
Sam Lutfi Was Involved
Amanda Bynes LAX
Where Does This Guy Keep Coming From? Read More »

So I have some bad news for people who enjoy watching a mentally disabled woman spiral out of control because they think that’s the same sort of “train wreck” as Lindsay Lohan, and good news for anyone who wants to see Amanda Bynes get the help she needs without her parents fucking it up by thinking she’s just being a spoiled brat. TMZ reports:

Amanda Bynes is headed for another conservatorship, but we’re told it almost certainly will not be at the hands of her parents. Rather, we’ve learned Amanda’s doctors are planning to get the type of conservatorship that can keep her confined and medicated for up to 1 year.
Sources familiar with Amanda’s treatment tell TMZ … the plan is to get an LPS Hold — something a judge will grant at the behest of doctors but only if the patient is “gravely disabled as a result of a mental disorder or impairment by chronic alcoholism.”
The LPS Hold allows doctors to confine Amanda — at either the hospital or another secure facility — and administer meds against her will.

And while all of that sounds fucking awful, no one is affected more than Lena Dunham who was apparently ready to hire Amanda Bynes as a writer on Girls. Via Vulture: More »

Frenchy Is Subtle And Other News

October 15th, 2014 // 26 Comments

- Blake Lively‘s hipster baby shower will sell you $52 onesies now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Taylor Swift‘s new single is a Victoria’s Secret queef mixed with Tears For Fears or something. [Dlisted]

- Stretching Deep For Hump Day [theCHIVE]

- Reese Witherspoon is just complex now, y’all. [Fishwrapper]

- Have I mentioned my Tumblr? [Yeah But Dinosaurs]

- SnapSaved wants Bitcoins for interviews on how 90,000 pics got hacked from their site. Yup. [The Frisky]

- Jennifer Lawrence is braless and happy. [WWTDD]

- #GamerGaters harass woman to prove they don’t harass women. [Death and Taxes]

- Johanna Lundback‘s in a bikini. [Popoholic]

- Kristen Bell shaves Dax Shepard‘s ass. YOU WERE VERONICA MARS. [tooFab]

- Maryna Linchuck‘s in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Maria Menounos‘ tramp stamp won’t deter me. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI

Bertney Gets Serxy

October 14th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Bertney Learns To Be Serxy
A “Your Changing Body And You” Reader

Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn’t drink them anymore because they tasted like broccoli and milkshakes should never taste like vegetables.
But what Bertney loved most at the gym was running faster and faster on the treadmill until she falls down and can’t stop giggling. Sometimes the other grown-ups would yell at her, but then her bodyguard would pretend to be a bear and everyone would laugh. Bears don’t belong in gyms!
But little did Bertney know, all that running was changing her. Her tummy wasn’t as big anymore and she looked purtier in clothes. In fact, she looked so purty, she asked Papa why she had to keep wearing them all the time. More »

Kesha Sues Dr. Luke For Sexual Assault

October 14th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Kesha Goes To Rehab
Ke$ha Eating Disorder American Music Awards
Don't Call Women Refrigerators Read More »

Kesha looks unfortunate in swimsuits – Bear with me! – but that doesn’t mean she, or any woman, should ever be the victim of the shit she’s suing her producer Dr. Luke for allegedly doing. TMZ reports:

According to a new lawsuit — obtained by TMZ — Kesha claims Dr. Luke was abusive towards her almost from the get-go — when she signed on with him at 18 — and made repeated sexual advances toward her. She claims he would force her to use drugs and alcohol to remove her defenses.
In one instance, Kesha claims he forced her to snort something before getting on a plane … and during the trip he forced himself on her while she was drugged.
On another occasion, Kesha claims after forcing her to drink with him, Dr. Luke gave her what he called “sober pills.” Kesha claims she woke up the following afternoon, naked in Dr. Luke’s bed, sore, sick … and with no memory of how she got there.

Kesha also cites the abuse as the cause of her eating disorder, which sounds entirely reasonable, plus being repeatedly called “a fat fucking refrigerator” didn’t exactly help. And for the record, I’ve only said that she looks like a frog standing up which has nothing to do with weight. I’m only going deeper, aren’t I? Goddammit.

UPDATE: Dr. Luke just countersued Kesha, and his lawyer claims Kesha and her mother have already admitted the claims in their lawsuit are false and are just trying to break their contract. So let’s all agree I’m already looking better than everyone in this post. Let’s hear it for me! Hurray!

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Photos: Pacific Coast News