Demi Moore Gave Rumer Willis A Gun Cake

August 18th, 2014 // 15 Comments

Apparently, everyone’s supposed to lose their shit over Demi Moore giving Rumer Willis a gun cake for her 26th birthday even though it’s supposedly a callback to her photo shoot with Tyler Shields. I’m a wiener-bitch liberal when it comes to guns, and even I don’t see the problem here. Not to mention, Demi’s one of those “fun moms” who gets high with her daughters, so for we all know this could be a cute little in-joke about she banged their father because he was in Die Hard. Or that time she accidentally shot their fourth sister everyone agreed not to talk about for Bogarting the Cool Whip. (R.I.P. Shillelagh.)

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Jenny McCarthy’s Breasts And, I Dunno, Something About Creative Arts

August 18th, 2014 // 16 Comments

The Creative Arts Emmys were yesterday and honored hard-working, dedicated individuals who diligently work behind-the-scenes to create all the shows we can’t shut up about. Except none of those people have huge, fake breasts, so here’s Jenny McCarthy. Which is a shame because she’s killed people. Kids are dead because of her, and yet her breasts are so big. I genuinely hate you for putting me in this position. Anyway, either she’s pregnant or Donnie Wahlberg is. You try telling me which. It’s almost impossible to tell, right?

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Justin Timberlake Called Madonna ‘My Ninja’ On Twitter, Is In Some Shit

August 18th, 2014 // 29 Comments
#DISNIGGA
Madonna #disnigga Instagram Rocco
Uh, Madonna, You And Your Son Are White Read More »

To celebrate the ancient day when dark forces penetrated this realm, manifesting themselves into the physical form we now know as Madonna, mortal slave to the bone hands, Justin Timberlake took to Twitter where he proclaimed the following message to all the land. Via ONTD:

A HAPPIEST of Bdays to my mother chucking ninja, @Madonna!! Hope you have a great one, M!

In Justin Timberlake’s defense, Madonna does have a history of using words she has no business using no matter how many black children she steals from African villages – I’m sorry, “adopts.” – so I can understand if he was trying to speak to her in her own language. The important thing is he deleted the tweet and hopefully stuck to just reciting passages from the Necronomicon. For example, my personal favorite:

“N’gai, n’gha’ghaa, bugg-shoggog, y’hah;
Yog-Sothoth, Yog-Sothoth.”

I don’t know what that means, but I just watched all time and space transform itself into a giant squid and demand human sacrifice, so there’s no way she won’t love that. It’s the simple gifts.

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The Police Caught War Machine Without Dog The Bounty Hunter? Impossible

August 18th, 2014 // 74 Comments
Christy Mack War Machine
Dog's Closing In
Dog The Bounty Hunter
But First, Lights, Sound, And 20 Cans of Aquanet Read More »

You can shoot an unarmed black kid six times in this country without most people batting an eye, but you’ll be goddamned if you beat the shit out of a porn star because we need them to jerk off. So after an intensive manhunt, US Marshals have finally arrested MMA fighter War Machine who’s apparently not that hard to find. Just look for the trail of women he keeps smacking around. KTLA reports:

“And they were like banging on the door, trying to get it open, and they’re like, ‘Open the door, open the door,” Nicolle Blankenship said. “Finally when they got it open they yelled, ‘Gun,’ and then all of a sudden you see them shoot him with a Taser. And he got shot with a Taser and he went down to the floor, and then they handcuffed him.”
Once officers were inside the room, they discovered “a small quantity of cash and some pizza,” a police news release stated.
Hotel guest Mary Casamento said she called police to the hotel after seeing a “big dude” yelling at and pushing a petite woman who was trying to calm him down. He grabbed her by the hair, Casamento said.

Of course the real question on everyone’s mind is where the hell was Dog The Bounty Hunter? Would you believe WRESTLING SNAKES? More »

That’s Lily Allen’s Nipple And Other News

August 17th, 2014 // 33 Comments

- Beyonce wants to collaborate with Rihanna? BITCH RUN! [Lainey Gossip]

- Fergie French kisses her son. I, wait, what? [Dlisted]

- Bikini Season Is Really Hitting Its Stride [theCHIVE]

- So who wants to watch Katy Perry get her nose pierced? [Fishwrapper]

- Andrew Keegan from 10 Things I Hate About You is your new L. Ron Hubbard. [The Frisky]

- Natalie Burn is some chick from The Expendables in a bikini. [WWTDD]

- And speaking of bikinis, here’s Alessandra Ambrosio. [Popoholic]

- Gene Simmons is sorry he told everyone with depression to kill themselves. [Starpulse]

- Christina Aguilera gave birth to a girl. Whee? [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Jessica Lowndes… [IDLYITW]

- When did Emmanuelle Chriqui‘s hotness ever leave? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Don’t think about Justin Bieber having sex with Miranda Kerr and these will be awesome. [Celebslam]

- Jesus Christ, Tara Reid, put that shit away. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI

Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

August 15th, 2014 // 41 Comments
'I Can Eat Meat Now!'
Chris Martin
Chris Martin: Prisoner No More Read More »

“Who’s gettin’ GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?”

Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence… well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll fart, burp, make a demon face on the red carpet to crack Taylor Swift‘s veneer, and basically do things that make Gwyneth Paltrow take 14 Xanax at night. “Are those.. paper plates? My pills. WHERE ARE MOMMY’S PILLS?!” Not to mention, Jennifer Lawrence actually has breasts and they’re like staring into Jesus’s eyes, so really it shouldn’t be a surprise that Chris Martin is dating her which I’m sure has nothing to do with Gwyneth using Us Weekly to tell the world she has a new boyfriend. Purely coincidence. E! News reports:

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are seeing each other, multiple sources confirm to E! News. We’re told that the pair has been spending quality together since late June after the Oscar winner split with her X-Men costar Nicholas Hoult.

And Chris Martin thought fast food was awesome.

“Alright, baby, I got an early morning. Do me from behind.”
“Whoa, wait. You mean you don’t want to spend 14 hours doing Tantric yoga before having missionary-style intercourse through the fly of our Ecuadorian slumber chinos?”
“Dude, I don’t know what the fuck you just said. Stick it in before I punch you in the mouth.”
“Yes, mum.”
“Did you just call me your mom? Hell yeah.”

Photos: Getty

Why Is Chelsea Handler Naked? WHY?

August 15th, 2014 // 38 Comments

Chelsea Handler slept her way onto television before becoming Jennifer Aniston‘s best friend, so sure, I guess that makes her a better person than a Kardashian. I’m not going to fight her on it. And the reason I bring any of that up is because she decided to pose naked on Instagram yesterday and caption it, “I’m a Kardashian,” because, haha, get it? They Photoshop their pics, too. That was the joke right? Because you can’t see Chelsea’s nipple even though it should be right fucking there? Or is it because the famous one’s a porn star? You know what? I’ve already put way too much thought into this when I should be clawing my eyes out. Give me that fork.

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So Daryl Dixon Might Be Gay

August 15th, 2014 // 88 Comments
Daryl Dixon Norman Reedus Walking Dead

If you’re like me, you probably know a lot of rednecks who love The Walking Dead because of all the guns, and the zombies, and the guns, so those people are in for a treat when Daryl Dixon, the most badass character on the show, turns out to be gay. Here’s series creator Robert Kirkman talking to ComicBook.com via Uproxx where commenters are already threatening to quit the show because they’re tired of “the gay agenda, man.”

When asked about the possibility that Daryl is gay Kirkman said, ‘All I can say is that it’s been discussed.’
‘We have very specific ideas about Daryl’s sexuality, or the seeming lack thereof, and if there’s ever a quiet period in the show where he’s not consistently distracted by crossbowing, we’ll tackle it in the show.’
When asked if that was something the show’s producers would allow, Kirkman replied, ‘For the record, they absolutely would.’

I really should’ve saved the America Boner for this post. Dammit. Anyway, here’s to what I’m sure will be an insightful discussion on how a stereotype-bending character on television’s highest-rated show is long overdue and not some progressive conspiracy to queer up your kids who are already half-gay from common core math anyway. Make me proud.

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