The Rest of The Goddamn #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // 115 Comments

Because our server is like the TARDIS if the TARDIS had Down syndrome, we’re falling apart at the seams over here, so here’s the rest of The 2014 VMAs before the whole thing explodes. And if you’re wondering why I’m not posting about Beyonce‘s feminist tour de force or Miley Cyrus using all of her vagina attention to help the homeless, there, I just said words about them. They’re part of our rich national tapestry. Now go look at the titties. Photo Boy was up all night gathering them in a bucket. (Don’t question his methods.)

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

The Kardashians Checked Their Phones During The Ferguson Moment of Silence #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // 54 Comments

During last night’s VMAs, Common held a moment of silence for Ferguson which the Kardashians felt was the appropriate time to check their phones (above) because someone might have tweeted about Kim‘s dress, you guys. Yes, they understand that black teens are being disproportionately shot and killed by police for minor offenses thus depriving them of potential future husbands, but it’s not like their mom can’t just go to Africa and ship some more over. She already got estimates. And a whip for some reason.

Photos: Twitter / Getty, Splash News

Child Hookers? Why Not? #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // 25 Comments

The media would have you believe this is singer/actress Ariana Grande, but really it’s a sophisticated Pre-Crime tool used to weed out future pedophiles before they strike by prompting an easily collected database of Internet commenters who want to have sex with its butt. I’m just doing my part to protect the children even though I just burnt this entire operation to the ground. Wait. Let me start over.

Hey, everybody, this isn’t a police robot. You should talk about fucking it! (Nailed it.)

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Katy Perry’s Breasts Were There #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // 17 Comments

Outside of her recent trip to a Kansas water park (Warning: Contains breasts GIFs. And you’re gone.), Katy Perry‘s breasts have been elusive creatures because she’s an artiste now. Except here they are at last night’s VMAs where she brought Riff Raff as her date even though I could’ve sworn she was banging Duplo? Diplo? I’m writing way too many words about something nobody gives a shit about, you’re right.

Photos: Getty, Splash News

Let’s Start With Taylor Swift’s Ass Cheeks #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // 50 Comments

Somewhere between making Diet Coke commercials and getting a dog with Karlie Kloss, Taylor Swift realized she has the body of a Victoria’s Secret model complete with 9,000 mile long legs. So here she is at last night’s VMAs showing off more ass and vulv than Miley Cyrus because we live in a Bizarro World now where up is down, yes is no, and it’s safe to have sex with Paris Hilton without a condom on. Retroactively. *crosses fingers, scratches balls, refills Valtrex just in case*

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Selena Gomez Has Breasts And Other News

August 25th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Benedict Cumberbatch did the Ice Bucket Challenge naked. Go to him, Cumberbitches! [Lainey Gossip]

- Floyd Mayweather responded to 50 Cent with $72 million. [Dlisted]

- If you manage to scroll past the first pic, you’re goddamn Superman. [theCHIVE]

- The creepiest Wilmer Valderrama pic you’ll ever see in your life. [Fishwrapper]

- Jennifer Lopez will get married for a fourth time, but doesn’t “whore around.” Whatever you say. [The Frisky]

- There’s a second Human Barbie now. Of course. [WWTDD]

- Vanessa Hudgens in booty shorts. [Popoholic]

- Jesus Christ, Lucy Hale in Cosmo. [Starpulse]

- Ireland Baldwin brought Angel Haze to the VMAs. [tooFab]

- V. Stiviano says Donald Sterling is gay. Why not? [IDLYITW]

- What’s up, Colleen Shannon? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kate Upton‘s breasts made $7 million last year. [Celebslam]

- Except we all should pay more attention to Genevieve Morton. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet

Suge Knight Got Shot 6 Times At Chris Brown’s Pre-VMAs Party

August 24th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Suge Knight

The VMAs haven’t even started yet, but already Iggy Azalea fell of a stage and one of Nicki Minaj‘s backup dancers got bit by a boa constrictor which both are offensively inconsequential now in light of Suge Knight getting shot six fucking times at Chris Brown‘s pre-VMAs party. TMZ reports:

And we know … cops are interested in this — there were several known gang bangers surrounding Chris at the time of the shooting.
This could all be problematic for Brown …. He’s still on probation in the Rihanna beating case, and hanging with gang members and throwing gang signs is not going to impress the judge.

Here’s where I’m torn. On the one hand, I want to say Chris Brown did it because guns are for pussies, and Chris Brown is a gigantic one of those. On the other hand, Suge Knight is a man who’s larger than Chris and will almost definitely fight back, so there goes that theory. Which is why I’m going to meet in the middle and say Justin Bieber did it after asking his teddy bear if this will make people finally believe he’s black. Mr. Fuzzybottom’s a stone-hearted killa. Dem button eyes don’t give a fuck.

Videos After The Jump

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.22

August 23rd, 2014 // 26 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our weekly grab-bag of all the horrible shits you say in the comments that I love as if they were my own children. You’ll notice there’s two Morgan Freeman comments this week, and that’s because you can’t read them without hearing them in his voice making each one awesome. On top of that, a bunch of you went fucking bananadong over Russell Mcjimmy‘s review of Nicki Minaj‘s “Anaconda” video, so I posted that in its entirety down below which reminded me of McFeely Smackup‘s epic review of Farrah Abraham‘s sex tape from May 2013. I could’ve sworn that shit happened just the other day. You’re all growing up way too fast. I don’t like it!

Russell Mcjimmy’s ‘Anaconda’ Review After The Jump