Lindsay Lohan Is A Stage Actress Now, According To Lindsay Lohan

June 19th, 2014 // 37 Comments
What's Going On Here?
Lindsay Lohan Legs High Slit See Through Skirt London DKNY Menswear Show
What're You Doing With That Hand? Read More »

While it may seem like this job is nothing more than dick jokes and celebrity boob photos in my underwear, I do spend a considerable amount of each evening (Five minutes before three hours of Hearthstone.) readying for the morning’s penile satire and titty pageantry. And such was the case last night when I came across headline after headline about Lindsay Lohan supposedly appearing in a West End production of “Speed-the-Plow” which couldn’t be right. And it turns out it isn’t because the source is Lindsay Lohan, so everyone stop talking about this. Stop it right now. The New York Times report:

Ms. Lohan said that she has been in London for several months, preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End in November. “It’s the first time I’ve done a stage play or anything like that,” she said. “I’m nervous but I’m excited.”

Just a reminder, the last time someone gave Lindsay Lohan money to make a professional appearance, she gave them a list of demands and then bailed at the last minute because hooking pays more than charity balls, and she’s got a mountain of freckles to laser off. And I know what you’re thinking, David Mamet. If you get her close enough, she’ll blow you so hard you’ll forget all of your bad memories, but this is folly. Folly, I say!

Unless you’ve got $100,000 laying around. Then maybe.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto

Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

June 19th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman is really happening. [Lainey Gossip]

- Benedict Cumberbatch has a girlfriend now. I’m so sorry, Internet. [Dlisted]

- The Newly Single Chivettes Have Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]

- Wait, Tila Tequila‘s cute? The Tila Tequila? [Fishwrapper]

- Apparently bears love oral sex. It’s only a matter of time until they overthrow us. [The Frisky]

- I’ll never understand people who don’t think Chrissy Teigen is hot as hell. [Popoholic]

- Mike Judge made TGI Fridays stop using “flair.” [Starpulse]

- Kendall & Kylie accurately describe their mother. [tooFab]

- Miranda Kerr will blow your mind. And Justin Bieber because God is dead. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kim Kardashian took wet T-shirt pics for her honeymoon. Of course. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Kevin Smith Says Nikki Finke’s DC Comics Movie List Is ‘Completely Legit’

June 18th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Justice League New 52
Previously In Nerd Shit
Jason Momoa
Khal Drogo Is Aquaman Read More »

Like any nerd worth his mint on card penis safely sealed in a Mylar bag, Wednesdays are when I scurry down to the local comic shop to spend my hard-earned money on 32-pages of chiseled dudes in tights, and because I can, I’m dragging you down into the mud with me. – *grabs you by the wrists while laughing just a little too hard* – Last week, Nikki Finke not only launched her new website with a logo that will crush all other logos before it, but also with an exclusive story detailing Warner Bros./DC Comic movies for the next four years that will supposedly be announced at Comic-Con next month. For those of you with lives and functioning sex organs, here’s the list: More »

Justin Bieber Turned Selena Gomez To The Dark Side (Get It? Because He’s Black)

June 18th, 2014 // 26 Comments
And Here We Go Again
Justin Bieber Selena Gomez Instagram
Jelena's Been Reborn Read More »

On Monday night, Selena Gomez was spotted clubbing with Justin Bieber after spending the entire day with him in Malibu. And now last night, she had the cops called to her house after throwing a “rager” which is a term I didn’t think anyone born after 1982 actually uses, and yet here we are. TMZ reports:

Selena Gomez had a rager at her house Tuesday night … and it got so out of hand cops were called.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Selena’s Hidden Hills, CA neighbors were so pissed off at the loud noise coming from her house at around 11:30 PM … they called police. The cops responded and warned Selena and company to turn down the volume or else.
One neighbor tells TMZ … the noise was so ear-crushing her windows were rattling.

According to Selena’s family – who for the record, she fired – she’s told them she’s back together with Justin because he’s “cleaned up his act,” but they’re not buying it. Which racism aside, is just plain bigoted against Christianity in general. The poor kid dunked his head in a bathtub for Jesus, so obviously he’s a whole new person now. What more do you need? Whoever he was before went down that drain. In fact, don’t even call him Justin anymore. Call him Rakeem The Righteous. #OneLove

Photos: Splash News

Donald Trump Claims He Wouldn’t Have Sex With Kim Kardashian Or Jennifer Lopez

June 18th, 2014 // 26 Comments
She Is Single (Retroactively)
Casper Smart Jennifer Lopez 70th Annual Golden Globe Awards
Because She Doesn't Have A Wiener Read More »

In a new interview with Howard Stern, Donald Trump apparently made it clear that he would pass on having sex with Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian who he says would’ve been rightfully shunned in the olden days. And not because she has sex with black guys, but just assume that’s part of the rich tapestry here. Via Hollywood Life:

When asked if he thinks Kim’s butt is too big, Donald was blunt. “Well, absolutely! It’s record setting. In the old days, they’d say she’s got a bad body,” he spilled to the Howard Stern Show on June 17. Wow. He’s no fan of JLo’s booty, either. When Howard asked Donald if he prefers Kim or JLo, he said neither! “I would pass on both,” he boldy declared.

When reached for comment, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez drove off a cliff together because it’s every woman’s dream to watch an elderly man come dangerously close to a heart attack when his toupee hits her in the face as he’s flopping his gray, half-erect penis against her vagina. Why go on living?

Audio After The Jump

Vin Diesel’s Lost Without Paul Walker

June 18th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Friendly Reminder
Paul Walker
Driving Like A Shithead Will Get You Killed Read More »

“Haha, remember when I quit after the first one because I thought I was going to be a giant movie star then came back and agreed to do 20 more? Haha, remember that?”
“Yeah, Vin, I remember.”

You might think of The Fast And Furious franchise as nothing more than cars going “vroom” churned out almost as fast as Saw movies because Americans will stare at anything in a movie theater. And you’d be exactly right. But to Vin Diesel, who’s clearly never watched a single of one of them, they’re deep, spiritual character tomes about brotherhood, familial bonds, and man’s mechanical inclination to work with engines the same way Pablo Picasso worked with watercolors. A place where flying headbutts are more than just flying headbutts, but an interpretative dance of the soul. But now Vin’s left alone without his dance partner and finds himself navigating a strange, pixelated world where androids dream of electric sheep. It’s left him disoriented and confused which is why he’d like to set the record straight about making a bunch of producers and studios exec sit in his trailer for two hours last week so he could ask them “What the fuck am I doing here?” Via Facebook: More »

Idina Menzel’s Boob Fell Out, First Person To Make A ‘Let It Go’ Joke Dies

June 18th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Idina Menzel Wardrobe Malfunction
WATCH: Idina Menzel's Wardrobe Malfunction

You either know Idina Menzel from the 800 Frozen videos your mom’s posted on Facebook, or from John Travolta butchering her name at the Oscars because women should be trapped on a slave ship and not have their names spoken correctly at award shows. Space Jesus demands it. So with that in mind, here she is performing at Radio Center Music Hall last night when her breast fell out because that’s the only way to send John Travolta back to the Negative Zone. He practically jumped right in.

The Situation Got Arrested For Punching His Brother In A Tanning Salon

June 18th, 2014 // 36 Comments
Frank Sorrentino or GTFO
Frank Sorrentino
The Situation's Dad's Videos Are Everything Read More »

Remember The Situation? It’s better if you don’t. The important thing is that you know he was arrested after getting into a fist fight with his brother in the tanning salon they own after employees called the cops when their paychecks bounced because New Jersey. TMZ reports:

Mike “Situation” Sorrentino was busted at Boca Tanning Salon in Middletown, NJ … according to law enforcement sources.
We’re told cops got a 911 call reporting a “fist fight” inside the salon … and when officers arrived — Sitch was arrested, and eventually booked for simple assault. He posted $500 bail … and on the way out he explained he and his bro, Frank were scrapping over how to run the business.
We broke the story … just last week salon employees called cops when their paychecks bounced. Sounds like that mess led to today’s fight.

Let me just stop right there, TMZ. Does this story involve Frank Sorrentino dishing out old neighbor tough love like that time him and Jimmy the Bep, Squeak, Larry Lasagna, Ralphie Scaramanga Pasquachio, and the Bayside Buttonmen took Mikey out for cannoli after he got caught stealing from nuns again? Then this story can eat a hundred dicks. And on the day of my daughter’s wedding? You bastards.

Photos: Splash News