UPDATE: Kurt Cobain’s Suicide Just Got Reopened

March 20th, 2014 // 29 Comments

After recently developing 35 mm film that was forgotten for almost 20 years in an evidence locker, Seattle police have reopened the investigation into Kurt Cobain‘s death, according to KIRO. Except let me save everybody a whole bunch of time and energy: It was Courtney Love. Courtney Love did it. Why do you think she’s been so helpful lately? “I know. If I find that missing plane, they’ll have to think I’m innocent! Courtney, you genius…”

UPDATE: According to the Seattle Times, there were no new findings and police were merely reexamining old evidence that will be released to the public on April 5 the 20th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Then again, this could all just be a cover story so Courtney Love doesn’t get spooked which would be impossible because she’s a poltergeist made of heroin and penis tears. Fear is her, and she is fear.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, WENN

Miley Cyrus Likes To Constantly Touch Her Vagina?
I Had No Idea

March 20th, 2014 // 27 Comments

At some point between making Illuminati hand symbols and yesterday afternoon Miley Cyrus somehow bruised her ass and naturally had to show everyone on Instagram while wearing a bikini and fingering her vagina. Does not touching her clit every other second open a black hole? Is that why Malaysia Flight 370 simply vanished without a trace? DON LEMON NEEDS ANSWERS.

Photo: Instagram

Fred Phelps Is Dead (1929 – 2014)

March 20th, 2014 // 69 Comments
Fred Phelps

Over the weekend, America rejoiced as it learned Fred Phelps was on his deathbed. And now word has come he’s finally learning he wasted his entire life thinking there’s a Christian Heaven because he’s dead now. He died. As for that business about why he was excommunicated? Turns out he floated the idea that maybe, just maybe, church members should be a tad bit kinder to each other – but not anyone else, fuck those people – which ended in him being ousted by three of his own children and kicked out of the church last August. In fairness, kindness is some faggot-ass shit. I believe Jesus said that during his Sermon on the Pussy Mount because man-anus is gross. (Luke 6:35 WBCV)

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January Jones Is Naked, Wants To Bang Rihanna

March 20th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Yeah, Yeah, Nice Instagram
January Jones 9 Years Old
Say, Where's Your Kid? Read More »

Here’s January Jones posing nude for Violet Grey where she reveals if she could bang any celebrity dead or alive it’d be Paul Newman or Rihanna. Except that’s not even the most incredible thing January Jones said because that honor goes to this exchange:

What is the single greatest night of your life and why?
The night my son was born for so many reasons.

AHAHAHAHAHA! Sure, it is. Sure, it is. Then again, if anyone feeds on pure hate, it’s January Jones, so imagine her surprise when a never-ending, renewable source fell right out of her vagina. “Immortality is MINE,” she probably said before telling the nurse, “Nah, you do it,” when asked if she wanted to hold her son.

Photos: Violet Grey

Courtney Stodden’s Cartoon Breasts Tried To Ride A Bike, It Didn’t Go Well

March 20th, 2014 // 52 Comments

Riding a bike requires balance and coordination, so what better place for Courtney Stodden‘s disproportional cartoon tits while a kid on a BMX bike flies around distracting her? It’s almost like whoever shot this wanted Courtney to fall which, wait a minute, you did, didn’t you? Ha! You wacky perverts. What’ll you think up next? (Rust Cohle porn. Make her dress like Rust Cohle. I’ll pay you.)

Photos: Glen McCurtayne/Coleman-Rayner

Good Morning, That Duke Chick Who Does Porn Stripping, And Other News

March 20th, 2014 // 47 Comments

- It’s the final Amazing Spider-Man 2 trailer. I hope you like 8,000 villains. [Lainey Gossip]

- GOOP don’t tolerate no ho who won’t earn his keep. [Dlisted]

- The Newly Single Chivettes Have Come Out To Play [theCHIVE]

- George Clooney shouldn’t tan. [Fishwrapper]

- Cosmos will tell you that you’re star stuff, and you’ll like it. [The Frisky]

- More Maggie Q not wearing underwear? If you insist. [tooFab]

- Did Naya Rivera get implants? [Popoholic]

- Nina Agdal‘s still hot. Thank God. [Hollywood Tuna]

- McKayla Maroney‘s cleavage, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet, INFphoto

Lindsay Lohan’s Client List Just Got Bigger

March 19th, 2014 // 39 Comments
The Client List: Part 1
Lindsay Lohan Daisy Dukes Pale Legs Smoking Cigarette
Lindsay's List of Celebrities She Banged Read More »

Last week, In Touch published a handwritten list of celebrities that Lindsay Lohan had sex with because she’s broke and will do anything for money. Except part of the list was blurred out for reasons that can now be described as milking the fuck out of this thing because here’s the next batch:

More shocking names from the list are revealed, including Orlando Bloom, Ryan Phillippe, Benicio Del Toro and topping the list: Ashton Kutcher. “Lindsay loves being linked to good-looking, famous, successful men,” a source close to the actress tells In Touch.
Also named on the list are Stavros Niarchos, Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), hockey player Aaron Voros and model Petey Wright.

Ashton Kutcher has reportedly been bailing Lindsay out for years which was probably under the condition that things like this list never see the light of day or more specifically Mila Kunis‘ face. In the meantime, there are still six blurred names left on the list, so I’ll just take a stab at the dark here: Charlie Sheen, Hugh Hefner, Woody Allen, Marlon Brando, Charlton Heston, and Errol Flynn posthumously at the request of Steven Spielberg. Tell me I’m wrong. I dare you.

Photos: Getty, Splash News