Shia LaBeouf Is Probably In Rehab

July 1st, 2014 // 11 Comments

Following his arrest Thursday night, and the string of crazy preceding it, X17online reports Shia LaBeouf has checked into rehab. (Although, Gossip Cop says that hasn’t happened yet but is probably coming soon.) And as much as I shit on Shia, I can’t even imagine what it’s like coping with the fact that one minute you’re Steven Spielberg‘s wunderkind with all the Megan Fox vagina that entails, and then next you’re chasing a homeless guy over a hat because you made porn with Lars Von Trier and went full James Franco. (Never go full Franco.) I’m pretty sure my mind would cleave itself in half, too, provided my head hadn’t already rocketed off my body the second Megan Fox touched my penis. On quiet nights, I like to imagine it reaching Jupiter, still yelling “Zowie wow wow boppity zip!” to the cosmos. *pours out 40* One love, Neil DG.

Photos: Courtesy of TMZ

A Justin Bieber Dick Pic Is Imminent

July 1st, 2014 // 19 Comments

Here’s Justin Bieber‘s latest photo for Shots, an app I’ve never once heard of until now, so just assume him and his buddies sat around going, “Dude, bro, we should totally make our own Instagram, but call it something dope like, uh… fuckin’ Shots! Like we be doin’ shots in da club and da Internet. ” Which is actually kind of amazing because you’d just assume Justin would go with something like “BlackBallers” or “DoubleCupNiggaJoint.org” because he’s about as subtle as Kim Kardashian in a china shop, and BAM. That’s how you cow joke, mothafucka. PEACE. *drops mic*

Photo: Shots / Splash News

Good Morning, Ashley Benson & Shay Mitchell In Bikinis, And Other News

July 1st, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Tilda Swinton did an AMA. [Lainey Gossip]

- Nicki Minaj threw a lamp shade at Iggy Azalea if I’m reading this right. [Dlisted]

- The Force Is Strong With This Selfie [theCHIVE]

- How the hell did these two even end up in the same place? [Fishwrapper]

- Jessica Alba is cleavagey. [Popoholic]

- Beyonce just overthrew Oprah. [Starpulse]

- Erykah Badu doesn’t give a fuck about your news report. [tooFab]

- Yes, Nicola Peltz is hot, but how well does she wax a Ferrari? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Where are Cameron Diaz‘s nipples? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash News

Shia LaBeouf Is Just Crazy

June 30th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Shia LaBeouf
Silence Of The Hams
Shia LaBeouf Handcuffed
Shia LaBeouf Arrested Read More »

When Shia LaBeouf was arrested for smoking and playing grab-ass during a production of Cabaret on Thursday, the prevailing theory was he was looking for attention the day before a new Transformers movie – the first without him in it – was released. Except, according to TMZ, it turns out Shia LaBeouf has been spending the past month in New York basically being an asshole in general. From pissing all over the outside of restaurant to literally asking a guy to punch him in the face outside of a strip club (below) because Tyler Durden is every douchebag’s totem. So if anyone did ask Shia on Friday if he got arrested because of Transformers, he’d not only have no idea what you’re talking about, but would probably shit on your foot for tampering with the time-web. “Why you disrupting my string, bro? Do I fuck with your string? Now help me make a soap bomb. There’s a bottle of Dawn in my pants.”

Shia LaBeouf Asks Guy To Punch Him Outside of Strip Club After The Jump

Michelle Rodriguez Doing Backflips In A Bikini

June 30th, 2014 // 19 Comments

The last post was kind of a (Robert) downer (Jr.) – Kill me. Break into my house and kill me. – so here’s Michelle Rodriguez drinking and doing backflips off a yacht in Sardinia. And without the presence of Boner Boy or Cara Delevingne who never understood her passion for falling recklessly off a sea vessel. Because it’s not who we are that defines us, it’s how much rum we can chug before hoping the ocean will snap our neck before Vin Diesel holds another cast meeting where he makes Paul Walker‘s corpse talk like a puppet. “Guys, Brian and I just weren’t feeling it from you yesterday. In fact, we get the impression some of you are questioning Brian’s commitment. — *moves jaw with hands* Yeah, guys, I can’t help it my arm fell off back there, but that’s why Dom and I will be best friends forever. I’ve got his back, and he makes sure mine’s not flaking all over the cars. Sorry about that by the way. — Brian, you don’t have to apologize to these people. Family means never having to apologize. Now get your sorry asses over here and hug your brother for making him self-conscious. I said HUG HIM.”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, CIAO/AKM-GSI

Robert Downey Jr.’s Son Busted For Cocaine

June 30th, 2014 // 27 Comments
Robert Downey Jr.
Previously In Coke
Lindsay Lohan Freckles Crotch
Adam Levine Did Not Have Sex With This Read More »

For a very long time, Robert Downey Jr. was a walking punchline thanks to an epic coke addiction that landed him in and out of jail whenever he wasn’t alone in a hotel room with a Wonder Woman costume. But after getting a lifeline tossed to him by Mel Gibson who cast him in The Singing Detective, he was able to sober up and get his career to a point where Disney literally backed up trucks full of money just to get him to show up in two more Avengers movies. Except now comes the shitty part where he has to walk the razor’s edge of keeping his 20-year-old son clean without looking like a giant hypocrite to him. TMZ reports:

Robert Downey Jr.’s son was arrested for cocaine possession in West Hollywood Sunday afternoon … law enforcement sources tell TMZ.
We’re told Indio Downey was a passenger in a car at around 2 PM PT when cops drove up along side the vehicle and noticed the passenger was smoking something out of a pipe.
An L.A. County Sheriff’s deputy pulled the car over, did a search and allegedly found cocaine in Indio’s possession. He was arrested and taken to jail for possession of cocaine.

Robert Downey Jr. has since released a statement: More »

Chris Rock Won The BET Awards

June 30th, 2014 // 17 Comments
Chris Rock BET Awards

I absolutely hate awards shows because the last thing celebrities need is more sunshine to the anus, so I treat each and every one with the same amount of disdain by blowing through them as quickly as possible. So here’s Chris Rock‘s monologue at last night’s BET Awards which kicked off an evening of trashing the whole audience including Chris Brown. Which seems badass until you realize Chris Rock is a man, so there’s no way Chris Brown is touching him. Are you kidding me? That’d almost be a fair fight. Fuck that.

Chris Rock’s BET Awards Monologue After The Jump

Even Jennifer Lopez Has To Do Miley Cyrus Shit Now

June 30th, 2014 // 16 Comments

My last post had to do with things like war, compassion, human decency, but that’s not why most of you come here, and that poop can go fornicate itself as far you’re concerned. So here’s Jennifer Lopez performing at the iHeart Radio Ultimate Pool Party because what you do come here for is to look at celebrity butts and crotches instead of doing a job you’re paid for. Which is commendable, and I don’t say that enough. You’re an inspiration.

Photos: FAMA/AKM-GSI, INFphoto, Splash News