Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed, where I just learned I work for a God, so excuse me while I go round up every piece of drunken evidence I have on Him (looking at you, apartment stove) and hatch my blackmail scheme. Let’s see how he likes only two temple messages a day, sucker! As for today’s TCWM, we’ve got Cameron Diaz reacting to a man guessing she’s younger than 52, Mike Tyson pointing out the scary man who keeps eating his pigeons and Mel Gibson placed into a situation that’s like putting a starving wolf next to an injured deer, or a maniacal bigot next a possibly homosexual minority.
Last one’s a little on the nose, huh? I don’t care, it’s funny because he murdered that man. That man’s dead now,
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Here’s Allie Teilz the for realz girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix who’s supposedly 19 or 20, but also has a history of lying about her age to score DJ gigs. I’ll ready the Chris Hansen signal. Via Bullet Media:
When I was younger I used to work production for arena shows in Vegas and Palm Springs, and I did artist relations for pop stars. On Thursdays after school I would go from school to the airport, fly to Vegas, work the shows from 6am Friday until Sunday at 2am, before school. I had a complete double life and lied about my age, obviously, but I was really getting involved in the music world and starting to meet people. It wasn’t a good world for me being as young as I was.
Of course, if you do the math, Joaquin Phoenix is only six years older than me, and Allie is (theoretically) two years younger than Selena Gomez, so I’m not sure if I have a leg to stand on here. Except I do, and it’s this chick looks 12. She’s a fucking 12-year-old. *shines CH symbol into the sky* Make that bastard take that seat, coiffed avenger. Make him take that seat right over there.
Yesterday, someone bemoaned the presence of Courtney Stodden in light of a stark absence of Jennifer Lawrence. So to prove your cries do not fall upon the deaf ears of a cold, handsome Internet God, here’s Jennifer Lawrence’s side boob at the Rome Film Festival press conference for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire this morning for your needs are my needs, my children. Now who wants to get pregnant and tell people it’s a magic baby? Don’t all speak at once.
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
Matthew McConaughey has been named GQ‘s Leading Man of The Year which he deserves because after years of shitting out romantic comedies, he reinvented his career and was a goddamn revelation in Magic Mike. It’s a role on par with Val Kilmer in Tombstone, and if you’re too dude-bro to watch a movie about male strippers, then you’re depriving yourself of all the wondrous gifts this world has to offer (unless you clicked on these Nina Agdal pics). Also, according to his GQ profile, he’s apparently Batman. Why don’t you want to watch Batman act?
“So there I was in this little village on the Niger River.” Matthew McConaughey is talking about a trip he took a few years ago, one of the walkabouts he is fond of going on whenever the Hollywood air gets too rarefied. “Word had gotten out that there was a strong white man, a boxer. So I’m lying there outside, stretchin’, when I hear these young male voices, and it sounded like they were talking shit,” he says. He asked his guide to translate: “They saying they are champion of the village wrestlers, and they want to wrestle Strong White Man,” he says, transitioning into a sort of Tarzan accent. “And all of a sudden, the volume of the crowd comes up, like, two decibels. And I look up, and there’s a huge guy wearing, like, a burlap sack. He looks at me, and he points to his chest.” McConaughey points to his famous pecs, peeking out of his white V-neck like a pair of toasted dinner rolls. “Then he points at me. Then he points over there to a sandpit.” McConaughey points at the window of his Airstream trailer, which is parked at Sony studios. “And my heart is going babababababababa. But my brain is going, ‘You have to, dude.’ So I go and get in the sandpit. I’m barefoot, no shirt; he’s barefoot, no shirt. I don’t know the rules, but I am about to find out.”
As for whether or not he won, that wasn’t the point of the experience because Matthew McConaughey is a philosopher, if not the greatest hip hop artist of our generation: More »
Because we’re serious, comprehensive journalists, here’s the rest of The 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show featuring everyone who’s not Candice Swanepoel or that chick who won’t shut up about her ex because they already got their own posts. Not that that means the rest of these models should commit suicide, but they probably shouldn’t look anyone in the eye anymore. The shame will be too much.
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
In Scientology, anyone who undermines the teachings of the church is referred to as a Suppressive Person who must be excommunicated because they’re also Hitler. Which seems like a silly practice from a silly religion, except it’s probably not a bad idea for how you should treat anyone who tries to say the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show isn’t a competition that Candice Swanepoel won the shit out of. I’m just trying to stop another genocide here.
Photo: Getty, Splash News, WENN