Ryan Gosling And Some Whore You Hate Just Had A Baby Girl

September 16th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Ryan Gosling

Congratulations, a wax statue gets laid more than all of us now.

Ryan Gosling was totally going to marry you, but then Eva Mendes threw her slut pussy onto his erect penis while he was trying to send you a romantic dick pic. – WHORE! – So now Us Weekly reports they’re the stupid parents of a stupid baby girl even though you already decorated the nursery for the one you were going to have with Ryan and name Felicity Cherish Hope Harlow Harper Bean. In fact, if you get right down to it, Eva Mendes basically gave you an abortion. You vote pro-life! How could she?!

Photo: Getty

Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

September 16th, 2014 // 49 Comments
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
On 'Whooping' Kids
Adrian Peterson
And Why That Shit Is Fucked Up Read More »

“See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin’s at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka’s will actually go on TV and defend your ass.”
“For real?”
“Google Charles Barkley, son.”

Because Adrian Peterson‘s parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, he not only grew up to become a professional football player, but also a righteous man of God who’s not afraid to spare the rod when it comes to his 800 kids scattered across the country thanks to having unprotected sex with multiple women. Which brings us to June 2013 when one of his baby mamas reported Adrian Peterson to child protective services for striking another four-year-old son while he was in his car seat. The result of the investigation ended up being “unclear,” and his lawyer was quick to toss out a statement yesterday once news outlets started finding out about it. Via Deadspin:

“The allegation of another investigation into Adrian Peterson is simply not true. This is not a new allegation, it’s one that is unsubstantiated and was shopped around to authorities in two states over a year ago and nothing came of it. An adult witness adamantly insists Adrian did nothing inappropriate with his son. There is no ongoing or new investigation.”

Except here are text messages obtained by KHOU Houston that are allegedly between Peterson and the boy’s mother: More »

Coroner: Lindsay Lohan Never Touched Whitney Houston’s Body Bag

September 16th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Lindsay's Gone Digital
Lindsay Lohan Weisses Fest
She's Stealing Apps Now Read More »

In a new interview with The Telegraph, Lindsay Lohan claimed she handled Whitney Houston’s body bag during her court-ordered community service at the LA County morgue. Which obviously never happened because Lindsay Lohan said it did, but just for fun, here’s the coroner’s office pointing out how completely full of shit she is:

An official from the Coroner’s Office tells TMZ … Whitney was NEVER in a body bag and no one in the probation program came in contact with Whitney’s body.
Lindsay — who was ordered by a judge to spend time at the morgue to teach her a lesson about drinking and driving — claimed in an interview she was singled out to roll Whitney’s body bag.

In Lindsay Lohan’s defense, she is a cyborg hooker from the future now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cyborg hookers from the future it’s that our definition of reality no longer pertains to them. Also, they can see through any object, so there’s no point in hiding your wallet. Don’t even bother.

Photos: INFphoto, Splash News

Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

September 16th, 2014 // 23 Comments

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song this week because how else are they going to get past this Adrian Peterson shit without pretending everything’s fine and acting like nothing happened? Rihanna ain’t having it.

CBS you pulled my song last week, now you wanna slide it back in this Thursday? NO, Fuck you! Y’all are sad for penalizing me for this.

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for CBS responded, “It’s cool. We’ll just play a Michael Jackson song. That won’t remind anyone of child abuse, and we’ll just blow right by this Adrian Peter- I’m sorry, his father did what now? Oh. Oh GOD. *runs screaming down the hall* STOP IT! STOP THE MUSIC! FOOTBALL’S IN DANGER!”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Kanye Is A ‘Married, Christian Man,’ You Assholes

September 16th, 2014 // 34 Comments
Kanye Hates Cripples
Kanye West
Would It Kill Them To Stand Up? Read More »

Kanye West has found himself in some shit after not once, but twice, demanding everyone at his shows stand up during his performance of “Good Life.” Which seems innocuous until you realize there were handicapped people in the audience who had to literally verify their disability before Kanye would go on. At one point, he actually complained how long it was taking because why rely on statistical probability when you can make your bodyguard embarrass the fuck out of a man in a wheelchair? Except now Kanye’s found out all y’all’s been talking about this shit and stopped another show to let everybody know the media’s got the wrong target. My man’s a Christian, and a true artist who’s not afraid to talk about pictures of his dick, so maybe put a helmet on before you read this. Via The Daily Beast: More »

Good Morning, Claudia Romani, And Other News

September 16th, 2014 // 1 Comment

- Holy shit, Angelina Jolie‘s new boobs are in a tanktop. [Lainey Gossip]

- John Travolta‘s pube beard will talk about those gay allegations now. [Dlisted]

- In case Claudia Romani isn’t enough bikini butt for you, enjoy. [theCHIVE]

- Kylie Jenner is a Kardashian Dirty Bomb waiting to explode. [Fishwrapper]

- There’s a homeless dude picking up women so he has a place to sleep? That’s actually amazing. [The Frisky]

- Nicki Minaj‘s old high school wouldn’t let her “inspire” kids. [WWTDD]

- Snoop Dogg is calling people “fags” on Instagram. Oh, good. [Death and Taxes]

- What’s up, Stella Maxwell? [Popoholic]

- That chick who went from George Clooney to Steve-O got married. [tooFab]

- Rosie Jones jumping on a trampoline. [Hollywood Tuna]

- And Kim Kardashian watching women flash their tits at Kanye. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: INFphoto

No, Beyonce Isn’t Pregnant Again, Shut Up

September 15th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Fool Me Once? Shame On You
Beyonce Butt Jay Z On The Run Tour Opening Night
Fool Me Twice? ILLUMINATI! Read More »

Back in July, Beyonce started changing song lyrics to make it sound she was getting a divorce which turned out to be a bullshit hoax to sell tickets. It was a lesson learned by everyone, and only an idiot would try pulling the same stunt twice, so here’s Jay Z changing song lyrics to make it sound like Beyonce’s pregnant now. Radar reports:

Jay Z reportedly made a surprise announcement that his wife Beyonce is expecting their second child during the pair’s On The Run tour stop in Paris last night.
According to French concertgoers, the rapper, 44, changed the lyrics in his song “Beach Is Better” to say “cause she pregnant with another one.”

Call my cynical, but I’m not believing a word of this shit until I see a stomach fold in half again followed by a surrogate’s lifeless body washing up on shore in a blood-stained hospital gown, the glimmer of a lavish lifestyle gone from her eyes, and wow, that got oddly specific. This is why you don’t beat your kids.

Photos: INFphoto

And Now Back To Sexy Celebrities In Bikinis, Or Just Demi Lovato

September 15th, 2014 // 16 Comments

Now that I wrote a short novel about corporal punishment, here’s Demi Lovato lounging poolside in a bikini which is about as non-controversial as it gets until you find yourself wondering where Wilmer Valderrama is and start Googling local high schools to see if they had Homecoming dances this weekend. That’s where he feeds.

Photos: INFphoto