Here’s Your ‘Creationist Cosmos’

April 15th, 2014 // 43 Comments
Creationist Cosmos
Speaking of Jesus
Louis CK SNL
Louis CK Has Some Thoughts On His Dad Read More »

If you’re like me, you’ve been enjoying the shit out of Cosmos and finding yourself masturbating more frequently on account of the spring air. We’re practically twins! So here’s Creationist Cosmos, a Funny or Die response to Christians who got their Jesus-panties in a bunch and demanded equal airtime for creationism on Cosmos even though nobody’s walking into churches and demanding 45 minutes to ask questions like, if God flooded the earth to get rid of homosexuals, how does Top Gun exist? Or even just a slideshow on dinosaurs and how magic babies couldn’t have rode them to Bethlehem without a time machine. It’ll take five minutes tops. I’ll bring donuts.

‘Creationist Cosmos’ After The Jump

Lindsay Lohan Drunk At Coachella? Impossible

April 15th, 2014 // 20 Comments

There’s been a depressing amount of headlines about Lindsay Lohan getting drunk at Coachella even though this should surprise absolutely no one for three very simple reasons: 1. It’s Lindsay Lohan. 2. She said she wasn’t going to drink. And 3. The first rule of hooking is never hook sober. Or is it don’t let a beeje become a bang unless the money’s in your purse? It’s one of those.

Photos: Getty, Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson Looks F*cking Fantastic

April 15th, 2014 // 27 Comments

So remember the other day when I geeked out over Jessica Simpson‘s legs? That wasn’t me. That was somebody else. I don’t even know what a blog is. What I do know is how to order Chili’s take-out and might even have some right here. Just right here sitting on my desk with all the sauces you like if you wanted to maybe stop over and eat a few Southwest egg rolls. But just a few! You’ve been so good with your diet, but sometimes it’s okay to cheat. Cheating’s fun. (Is she in the door yet? Pull the stick. PULL THE STICK.)

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Lady Gaga’s ‘G.U.Y.’ Video Wasted 365,000 Gallons of Water In The Middle Of A Drought

April 15th, 2014 // 29 Comments
Born This Way
Lady Gaga Photoshopped Paparazzi
But Some Photoshop Couldn't Hurt Read More »

California is in the middle of an historic drought, so it only makes sense that Lady Gaga blew through 365,000 gallons of water so there wouldn’t be an empty pool in the background while shooting her “G.U.Y.” video at the Hearst Castle. Did the water table write ARTPOP? Then it can go fuck itself. Radar reports:

The pool had to be drained before the shoot because it was leaking 5000 gallons of water each day.
However, once Gaga had finished filming, the water — earmarked to be re-used for on-site irrigation at the state park — was discovered to be unusable, a source who works at the Castle told Radar.
“The water had to be chlorinated because Gaga got into the pool with synchronized swimmers,” the insider, who asked not to be identified, said.
“Since the water was chlorinated, it couldn’t be used for any of the irrigation or landscaping at the Castle. The water was simply drained and disposed of.
“It was a huge waste of water which is such a precious resource in California at the moment because of the draught.”

For those of you living in California, I embedded Lady Gaga’s “G.U.Y.” video below so when the vaqueros begin The Great Water War, you’ll always remember how weird her butt looked as you watch your children die of thirst in a lawless wasteland of dust and hopelessness. Not to mention the Real Housewives are in it, so I don’t see how anyone can act surprised that it foretold the apocalypse. They practically spell it right out.

Lady Gaga ‘G.U.Y.’ Video After The Jump

Kate Upton Hates Everything That Is Awesome And Good About Her

April 15th, 2014 // 30 Comments
A History of Dumb
Kate Upton Nipples Bikini Outtakes Terry Richardson Shoot
Kate Upton Is Religious Read More »

This news was too important to get lost in the onslaught of Coachella and MTV Movie Awards pics, so here’s Kate Upton saying she wishes she had smaller breasts while recognizing she’d be goddamn nobody without them. NOBODY. Via HuffPost:

That’s right, the 23-year-old admitted to The Sun that she would actually prefer a smaller chest, and thinks Cameron Diaz, someone with a much smaller chest than Upton, has the “perfect figure.” She also has some ideas on how smaller boobs would make her life a little less difficult:
“Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up… If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”

For someone who claims to be a Christian – Although, by definition, that would also make her retarded. – Kate Upton seems pretty hell-bent on throwing away the greatest gift God could’ve possibly given her. He puts those things there for a reason, and that reason is people getting boners while looking at my Internet site for His ways are not ours to understand. Case in point: saving this woman from a bear apparently ranks higher than not giving little kids cancer. He’s mysterious.

Photos: Terry Richardson

And Now For Something Completely Different

April 15th, 2014 // 14 Comments

Before I get back to the business of celebrity boobs and the idiots who wish they didn’t have them, I want to draw your attention to something that’s actually important, and run by a colleague who’s been a mentor and a trusted friend that helped me procure Photo Boy, who without I would’ve shot myself by now if not gone crazy and spent the rest of my days accusing Seth MacFarlane of stealing Garfield jokes. So here’s The Mighty, an inspirational site that forgoes the banality (And easy money! *pets puma*) of celebrity gossip to focus on the unfathomable courage and dedication of everyday people overcoming challenges that would’ve left me crying in a corner. I don’t get to do much, if any, good here outside of pointing out that Jenny McCarthy is killing kids, so hopefully some of you enjoy The Mighty and find it encouraging. Sensitive side out.

The Mighty – Superheroes Among Us

Good Morning, Emily DiDonato, And Other News

April 15th, 2014 // 17 Comments

- If Mark Wahlberg didn’t win the Generation Award, 9/11 would’ve never happened. [Lainey Gossip]

- This should’ve been the ending to Lost. [Dlisted]

- A Tug A Day Will Keep The Doctor Away [theCHIVE]

- Cameron Diaz is starting to grow on me. [Fishwrapper]

- Conservatives are trying to make it harder to get a divorce. Oh, good. [The Frisky]

- Happy Birthday, Hermoine, you don’t look a day past 13. [Popoholic]

- Katie Price will defend Simon Cowell‘s affair now. [Starpulse]

- Taylor Swift crashed a bridal shower. [tooFab]

- Hell-the-fuck-lo, Fabiana Semprebom… [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lake Bell poses topless for Esquire. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News