Those Are Khloe Kardashian’s Nipples

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
I used up all my word juice on the Bertney post, so for these pics of Khloe Kardashian's nipples at French Montana's birthday party all you get is me saying, I thought Sasquatches birthed litters. Why aren't there six of them? Now enjoy these spilling into the pics of … More »

Nick Jonas Having Sex Broke The Internet

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
The Jonas Brothers used to be a squeaky clean pop band who wore purity rings and were terrified of girls. Now they're grabbing their dicks, doing whatever the hell it is Joe Jonas does with his time, and fucking on camera for TV shows. Which brings us to … More »

Selena Gomez’s Breasts Wore This

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
There've been enough awful posts over the past two weeks that everyone should know how this works: I write about something terrible like child abuse, and then follow it up with pictures of sexually attractive celebrities so everyone's distracted with an erection and/or how simple and disgusting men are. More »

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves … More »

Chelsea Handler’s Topless Again

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
Because your god is dead, Chelsea Handler is continuing her topless assault on social media and subjecting everyone to her naked breasts on Twitter: Exercising my human right to work side by side with my fellow man. #amazon #freethenipple Keep in mind, Chelsea Handler was enjoying a … More »

Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn? Jared Leto’s The Joker? WTF’s Happening?

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
Over the weekend, news broke that Jared Leto is in talks to play The Joker in Suicide Squad because Warner Bros. is clearly in the business of going, "You already did what on Arrow? Fuck you." (See, also: Ezra Miller, The Flash) And now Collider is reporting … More »

Good Morning, Alessandra Ambrosio, And Other News

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014
- Charlie Hunnam's odds for being PEOPLE's Sexiest Man Alive. [Lainey Gossip] - Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs were seen in public. I'm so sorry, people still into Twilight. [Dlisted] - Megan Fox in lingerie covered with blood, anyone? [Fishwrapper] - Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [ … More »

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.29

By: The Superficial / November 8, 2014
And The Most Important People on The Internet is back. So how's everybody doing? How's your weekend going so far? Maybe doing a little Christmas shopping? Well, fuck all that, because you're sitting in front of your computer and reading horrible-ass shit about celebrities. You're a grown up and no one can tell … More »

Jerry Seinfeld Thinks He Has Autism

By: The Superficial / November 7, 2014
In an interview with NBC Nightly News last night, Jerry Seinfeld told Brian Williams he "believes" he has autism which naturally made the whole Internet gasp because somehow this is Jenny McCarthy's fault. It has to be: "I think on a very drawn-out scale, I … More »

Heidi Montag: ‘Amanda Bynes Can Live With Me!’

By: The Superficial / November 7, 2014
After TMZ posted photos of Amanda Bynes sleeping inside a mall because she's essentially homeless now, Heidi Montag has graciously shoved her breasts into the press again and offered Amanda a place to stay. But if Heidi somehow thinks that's going to make the Internet start posting … More »

Jessa Duggar Wasn’t Fucking In A Church

By: The Superficial / November 7, 2014
Yesterday, a widely-circulated - and still uncorrected - rumor started flying around the Internet that Jessa Duggar got caught fucking inside the church immediately after her wedding ceremony. Except with just a little bit of digging, Vince Mancini at FilmDrunk easily figured out the source of the … More »

Sasquatch Butt In The Morning And Other News

By: The Superficial / November 7, 2014
- Selena Gomez made a music video about Justin Bieber. Goddammit. [Lainey Gossip] - Let the Cumberbaby rumors begin. [Dlisted] - Eminem looks like this now. [Fishwrapper] - Actual Statements Written In Patients’ Hospital Charts [theCHIVE] - There's a #ReaderGate now. [The Frisky] - Genevieve … More »

Bertney And The Key To The City

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
Bertney And The Key To The City A Good Citizen Reader Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her. "On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky … More »

Ariana Grande Made A New Video

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
Ariana Grande performed at the CMA's last night, but I refuse to write about that on principle, so here's her new video for "Love Me Harder" because like I said underneath Margot Robbie's nipples, I'm trying to make this a happy day for everybody. In this case, … More »

That Guy Everyone Hates On ‘Top Chef’ Arrested For Domestic Violence

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
I make it a point never to watch reality TV because I have better things to do with my time like [literally anything that's not reality TV here]. So I have no idea who Aaron Grissom is, but the Internet tells me he's a huge fucking douche everyone hates on … More »

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Has A Title

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
SPOILER ALERT: The Force takes naps. Just like 98% of the cast does. Adding... If all of this is completely underwhelming news, here's a story about how Freddy Krueger got Mark Hamill the role of Luke Skywalker because every actor slept on another actor's couch in the 70s. They won't tell … More »

Margot Robbie’s Nipples Will Lead Us Into The Light

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
So the past two weeks have been a soulcrushing smorgasbord of child molesters and the sloth-people who let them near their kids, and pretentious hipsters who think writing about their little sister's vagina is totes edgy, all capped off by me staring deep into a bottomless abyss … More »

Amanda Bynes’ Parents: ‘Fuck It, We’re Moving To Texas’

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
With a conservatorship over her finances secured by a judge, Amanda Bynes' parents' plan was to slowly give her small amounts of money in hopes that she'd eventually hit rock-bottom and get the help she obviously needs. Except waiting games eat bushels of dick, so they're punting the whole thing over … More »

Good Morning, Lisa Opie, And Other News

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014
- Marc Anthony got engaged to his model girlfriend. [Lainey Gossip] - I honestly forgot Shauna Sand was still out there. [Dlisted] - Kirk Cameron took his daughters to Jessa Duggar's wedding so they could basically learn that kissing before marriage is for sluts. Yup. [Fishwrapper] - Presenting The … More »

It’s The Tenth Anniversary Of The Last Time Lindsay Lohan Was Relevant

By: The Superficial / November 5, 2014
Thanks to Lindsay Lohan being Lindsay Lohan, everyone already knew Entertainment Weekly was doing a Mean Girls reunion story, and now that day has come. Below's a link if you're so inclined to read such highlights as Lindsay Lohan bitching about Hilary Duff to poor Tina Fey … More »

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