Kate Upton Prayed To Be Curvy, She Can Stop Now

July 31st, 2014 // 25 Comments
Pay Attention To My Butt!
Kate Upton Butt Bikini
Kate Upton's More Than Breasts, You Guys Read More »

Kate Upton is the cover interview for Elle UK‘s August issue where she complains about how hard it is being pretty because if there’s anything us normies love it’s hearing about the struggles of being beautiful. Nothing but a smooth, easy, homely life for us. That’s our motto. Via Elle UK:

“Living on a farm, beauty doesn’t get you anywhere. Because I was pretty didn’t mean I could convince my sister to do my chores. It was kind of inconvenient to be pretty, growing up.”

But then Kate prayed to God for curves and soon she was unburdened with the grueling life of being a beautiful, skinny blonde in the south. Why, no one’s ever had it so bad there:

‘When I first started modelling, I was a normal catalogue model,’ Kate explains in the accompanying interview, speaking about her stratospheric rise to fame – with that body.
‘Then, I became a woman, and I was really excited about becoming a woman. Because I’m from Florida, it’s all about being in bathing suits. It’s a different view of beauty there. You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body. And I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought, “Yessss!”
‘And then people say: “Oh, wow, you’re healthy.”
‘And you’re like, “Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!”’

In Kate Upton’s defense, her breasts are huge. However, the rest of her body is also going that route, so I dunno, maybe tell God He can slow it down now. But break it to Him gently, He’s got kind of temper. Try not to provoke Him, is all I’m saying. I’m getting suspended, aren’t I? Goddammit.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Martha Stewart Has A Drone

July 31st, 2014 // 7 Comments
Martha Stewart
Never Forget
Martha Stewart Gwyneth Paltrow
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Martha Stewart made assloads of headlines earlier in the week by calling Blake Lively‘s website “stupid,”, yet hardly anybody’s paying attention to the love letter Martha Stewart wrote to her drone in Time magazine. Yup, that’s right. Martha Stewart has a drone. A fucking drone. And not only does she have a drone, she practically wants to marry it:

In just a few minutes I was hooked. In near silence, the drone rose, hovered, and dove, silently and surreptitiously photographing us and the landscape around us. The photos and video were stunning. By assuming unusual vantage points, the drone allowed me to “see” so much more of my surroundings than usual. The view I was “seeing” on my iPad with the help of the drone would have otherwise been impossible without the use of a private plane, helicopter, or balloon. With any of those vehicles, I would have needed a telephoto lens, and all of them would have made an unacceptable commotion on the beach. What’s more, I would not have been in the photos!

While Martha is fully aware of the controversy surrounding drones, hers takes such lovely photos of the cutting gardens, so maybe its time to talk about why your child’s school would be the perfect spot for a new horse paddock. She understands there was some unfortunate business there. What was it? A missile strike? Awful, just awful. Who would do such a thing? Now, if you’ll just look at these plans she drew up…

Photo: Getty

Who Ordered The Flapjacks?

July 31st, 2014 // 74 Comments

At Larry’s Blue Star Truck Stop Cafe we pride ourselves on giving customers friendly down home cooking served by familiar faces that feel like kin. Which is why Lulubel here has been serving up hash browns since 1986 when she started working with us at the ripe, young age of 27. She might smoke a little too much and wear a swimsuit she ain’t got no business being in, but well, the customers seem to awfully like her. Especially the men. They’re always leaving her generous tips and meeting her outback near the restrooms to talk. Probably about life on the road and the such. We find it best to never go back there or ask questions. Anyway, Larry’s Blue Star Truck Stop Cafe: Roll on in where you’re family.

Photos: CordonPress / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Justin Bieber’s Still F*cking With Orlando Bloom

July 30th, 2014 // 40 Comments
It Was About Miranda Kerr
Miranda Kerr Nude GQ British
That's The Mother of Legolas' Child, Punk Read More »

catwolf9899‘s good people.

Justin Bieber is a little bitch. Which is really all the introduction I need here, but just in case, here are new details from his brush-up with Orlando Bloom that, just like earlier accounts, still involve him making a smartass remark about Miranda Kerr only this time there’s a cameo from Leonardo DiCaprio who amazingly didn’t Krav Maga the little bastard. Then again, poison has always been Leo’s game… Us Magazine reports:

“Bieber went to say ‘Hi’ to Leonardo DiCaprio,” an eyewitness tells Us. “Leo was sitting next to Orlando. Bieber reached out his hand to shake Orlando’s hand and Orlando just looked at him and avoided him.”
After getting snubbed by the 37-year-old Pirates of the Caribbean actor, the “Boyfriend” singer, 20, blurted to Bloom, according to the source, “Tell Miranda ‘What’s up.’” …
Bloom apparently did not appreciate Bieber’s comment, and took a swipe at the singer. “Bieber ducked the punch,” says another insider. “He didn’t get hit. Justin’s boys eventually jumped in and got him away.”

Since then, Bieber has posted another taunting photo on Instagram (above) except this one he’s actually leaving up because his bodyguards already checked under the bed for monsters and anyone who wants to give him an ouchie. He’s unstoppable now.

Photos: Splash News

Gisele Bundchen Bikini Photos And Other News

July 30th, 2014 // 4 Comments

- Joaquin Phoenix playing Doctor Strange is almost a done deal. [Lainey Gossip]

- Whoopi Goldberg defended Roman Polanski, so why not Stephen A. Smith? [Dlisted]

- Leanna Decker is a redhead with big breasts, why we’re alive. [theCHIVE]

- Lana Del Rey is a giant hypocrite. [Fishwrapper]

- Alessandra Ambrosio understands the Internet. [WWTDD]

- Goddamn, Jessica Alba in Maxim. [Popoholic]

- Iggy Azalea‘s breasts are in Fast & Furious 7 now. [Starpulse]

- Robert Pattinson doesn’t give a shit about Kristen Stewart anymore. [tooFab]

- Somebody take Jessica Alba‘s “goddamn” from up top and give it to Nina Agdal. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lily Allen has been working out. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News

Kim Kardashian To Adrienne Bailon: ‘Shut Up About My Fat Brother I Don’t Care About’

July 30th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Colbert Destroys Kim
Stephen Colbert Kim Kardashian App
He Took The Piss Out of Her (Count It!) Read More »

Kim Kardashian hasn’t spoken to Rob since her wedding where he wouldn’t stop being fat for her pictures and left instead. It was a simple request! Anyway, his ex Adrienne Bailon is now in the business of trashing their time together on account of him cheating on her constantly and his family tainting her career. So if you really want proof that Kim doesn’t write her own tweets, here’s her Twitter account suddenly showing concern for the, uh, fat kid. What’s his face? Bob. Sweet Bob.

Funny how she says being with a Kardashian hurt her career yet the only reason she has this article is bc she is talking about a Kardashian
#LetItGoooooLetItGoooooo (FROZEN VOICE)
So sad when people try to kick my brother when he is down #FamilyForever

#FamilyForever #UnlessYoureFat #WhichTechnicallyIAm #ButInAGoodWay #ThatGuysWantToHaveSexWith #MostlyInTheButt #KanyeShrug

Photos: Splash News

Megan Fox Isn’t George Zimmerman

July 30th, 2014 // 14 Comments

Because you don’t come to this site to read about how small your dick is for cowering like a pussy behind guns, here’s Megan Fox at the Mexico City premiere of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where I’ll assume the promotional poster featured the Turtles chopping off the heads of their enemies. Or they’re just taking naps in sombreros. I go back and forth.

Photos: Splash News

George Zimmerman Is Randomly Guarding Businesses Now, Oh Good

July 30th, 2014 // 54 Comments
George Zimmerman
Come Again?
George Zimmerman
George Zimmerman's Fighting For Trayvon Martin Read More »

“George, they infiltrated the police, George. We’re sitting ducks.”
“There’s a gun inside my rectum. You know what to do.”

When we last left George Zimmerman, he was attempting to make money by competing in underground fight clubs to benefit The Trayvon Martin Foundation (You just read all of those words.), so you’ll be happy to know that didn’t work and he’s homeless and broke. Well, broke monetarily, but not in spirit because, you see, there’s been some break-ins in Florida lately, so George has taken it upon himself to see they don’t happen again by acting as a sort of self-appointed night-watch which ended super awesome the last time that happened provided your definition of awesome is using a gun for the exact reason it was purchased: Killing black people over something. Literally anything. Radar reports:

It was discovered Zimmerman was guarding the shop just after midnight early Monday morning when a police officer found the former neighborhood watch crusader inside the store.
Zimmerman reportedly told the officer “he was watching the business due to a recent burglary” for his friend, the store’s owner, Pat Johnson.

Except Pat Johnson is running for mayor and would like it known that not only did he not hire George Zimmerman as a security guard, the dude just started sitting outside in his truck on his own. WESH 2 News reports: More »