Hope Solo Seems Fun

June 24th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Previously In Families
Jay Z Solange Beyonce
Never Forget The Elevator Read More »

For those of you who don’t know, soccer star Hope Solo was arrested over the weekend for domestic violence after she allegedly attacked her sister and 17-year-old nephew while drunk off her ass because she missed a flight. (I wonder how.) Her nephew even pulled a gun on her – albeit a BB gun – and hit her with a broomstick which didn’t even faze her because apparently Hope Solo is the goddamn Incredible Hulk. TMZ reports:

The boy says he walked into another room — but Hope followed and “called me a p**sy because I called my mom.”
“I then told her to get her c*nt face out of my house,” the boy said to police.
That’s when allegedly Hope went on the attack — grabbing the boy’s hair and repeatedly punching him.
“I then went into a back room and got an old gun that does not work, pointed it at her and she kept coming at me. She didn’t leave but walked around me cornering me like a shark.”
The boy says Solo eventually left the house when he called the cops — but then tried to get back in the house … and started attacking the boy’s mom … so he grabbed a broomstick and began hitting her in the head … but she kept coming.”

Hope Solo has since plead innocent and claims she’s the real victim here which sounds entirely believable to me because I’m pretty sure she can fly and burn things with her eyes. I’m not falling for this kid’s pussy lies. *hides in lead chamber* (Is she gone?)

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News

Harrison Ford Basically Destroyed ‘Episode VII’

June 24th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Han Solo
Goddammit, Grandpa
Harrison Ford
Han Solo Broke His Ankle Already Read More »

“Do I look like a guy who won’t break his leg to get out of this thing?”

A little less than two weeks ago, word got out that Harrison Ford broke his ankle after tripping over the door to the Millenium Falcon (No, really.), but everyone seemed optimistic he’d be back in a few weeks. Then things started to go downhill. It went from he actually broke his entire leg, then his pelvis and I stopped paying attention so just assume he died. Harrison Ford’s dead now. Anyway, turns out Han Solo was going to be the main character of Star Wars: Episode VII which just got fucked to Endor and back. (I’ll let myself out.) Via io9:

The rumor is he’ll be sidelined for six full months — which means the movie’s either getting delayed or massively rewritten.
The potential news comes from the UK-based site Jedi News, who says sources told them of an emergency meeting ay Pinewood Studios this morning to discuss how to handle Ford’s sudden unavailability. Since Ford’s Han Solo is reportedly the film’s lead, the only way to make its Christmas 2015 release date — which Disney has refused to move before — is to rewrite Ford’s scenes, or rewrite the script entirely.

Ironically, this happened because of J.J. Abram‘s insistence on using practical effects instead of the CGI shitshow that dominated the prequels. Except now he’ll have to use even more CGI or make the whole movie about Mark Hammill and when has that ever created a timeless classic beloved the world over? So you know somewhere George Lucas is laughing because none of ever happened on his sets. “This is exactly why I don’t use anything that wasn’t made by a computer. Including actors which raises the question: Whose baby is that, Rachel Bilson? Whose baby is that? Hahaha, I am evil. PURE EVIL. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Photo: Lucasfilm

Emily Ratajkowski Topless In GQ Doesn’t Require Thinking

June 24th, 2014 // 16 Comments

My last post involved such liberal faggot shit as thinking and consideration for non-straight, white male members of society, so here’s Emily Ratajkowski posing for the July issue of GQ where you don’t have to do anything but get lost in her topless breasts. Or you can read about how she wants you to bang her with confidence like Denzel Washington which hopefully means like a drunken airline pilot because I’ve got rum, aviator glasses and a bag of peanuts. Very, very small peanuts. You know what? Scratch all this. Scratch it. ABORT.

Uncensored “Blurred Lines” Video After The Jump

Gary Oldman’s Career Was Fun (1982 – 2014)

June 24th, 2014 // 132 Comments
Gary Oldman
And We've Got An Apology
Gary Oldman
But Real Men. And War. And Not Giving Shits. ARGH! Read More »

In the latest issue of Playboy, Gary Oldman gives what is otherwise a goddamn awesome and candid interview about his career that unfortunately no one will go back and read because halfway through he decides to say Mel Gibson was right about the Jews and Alec Baldwin should be able to call the paparazzi cocksucking fags without everyone getting all uppity. Two people, who for the record, Gary Oldman brought up on his own, so go ahead and put down your, “Man, I hate these stupid gotcha questions” guns: More »

How Is Hayden Panettiere’s Baby Not Kicking Through Her Stomach Already?

June 24th, 2014 // 10 Comments

Because I’m still trying to work myself up to write about Gary Oldman, here’s an increasingly pregnant (IN THE BEWWWBBSS!1) Hayden Panettiere in Italy over the weekend which I was going to post yesterday but got distracted by such pressing topics as who’s grooming Miley Cyrus‘ vagina and Wiener-Tuck: A Rich Man’s Game. So enjoy these, and see if anyone can figure out if Hayden’s actually walking with her own legs or the baby’s. I honestly don’t know how you could tell.


Good Morning, Izabel Goulart, And Other News

June 24th, 2014 // 6 Comments

- Robin Thicke really wants you to think he wants to bang Paula Patton again. [Lainey Gossip]

- Kristen Bell is pregnant again. [Dlisted]

- And speaking of #Pedorazzi, how’s that working out? [WWTDD]

- Discover The Sexy Side of Tapiture [theCHIVE]

- Kate Gosselin thinks you’re as dumb as Kate Gosselin. [Fishwrapper]

- Funny Girl Sex Guide: Blowjob Techniques You (Maybe) Need To Try [The Frisky]

- Again, this will totally make George Clooney jealous. Well played. [Popoholic]

- Okay, so maybe JLo really is banging Maksim Chmerkovskiy. [Starpulse]

- Holy shit, Maria Menounos bikini photos. [tooFab]

- And you, too, Laura Brunskill. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Anna Paquin‘s still getting naked on True Blood. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Miley Cyrus: ‘Noah Is My P*ssy Police’

June 23rd, 2014 // 14 Comments
Vagina Melvins or GTFO
Miley Cyrus Bikini Cheyne Thomas Make Out
Miley Cyrus Bikini Photos Read More »

If it seems like Miley Cyrus has been spending an awful lot of time with her 14-year-old sister Noah lately, it’s because she’s in charge of making sure Miley’s vagina is ready to be shown to as many as possible with a leotard violently wedged up in it. Haha! And you worked at Dairy Queen like a loser. Via Gossip Cop:

[Sophie] Monk was curious about whether Cyrus waxes or shaves, given how the singer’s stage show includes lots of dancing in a unitard that barely covers her pelvic region.
Cyrus explained that Noah serves as her “pussy police” to make sure “everything is staying in tact.”

Somewhere, Billy Ray Cyrus stares into an empty box of Corn Pops. “I never get the fun job,” he sulks.
“Shh, there, there,” says Fred Durst. “You got me.”
“‘Back in the basement, boy!” Billy yells, but the gimp is right. He does got something to live for. Something no vadgity beaver can ever take from him unless Fred’s family comes lookin’ for him which makes Billy laughs just thinkin’ about it. Why’d they ever go and do a thing like that?

The End.

Photos: Terry’s Diary

Hank Baskett Allegedly Cheated On Kendra Wilkinson With A Tranny

June 23rd, 2014 // 24 Comments
It's All The Rage
Jennifer Lopez Butt Booty Shorts State Farm Neighborhood Sessions Launch Bronx
Casper Smart Is Sexting Trannies Read More »

Trigger Warning: Penis into vagina that used to be a penis talk.

According to Radar, Hank Baskett allegedly cheated on Kendra Wilkinson – while she was eight months pregnant, by the way – with transsexual model Ava Sabrina London and checked into a hotel on Friday presumably because Kendra found out. Which makes no goddamn sense sense to me because I can barely have sex with a singular vagina, yet these guys are running around looking for ones that could turn into a boner at any second. It’s gotta be like having sex with a Jack In The Box. And before the PC Police arrive, they actually prefer that terminology, you were just too cisgender to ask. Check your privilege.

Photos: Facebook