Jose Canseco Shot His Finger Off

October 29th, 2014 // 65 Comments
Jose Canseco
Previously In Guns
Chrissy Teigen Breasts ESPYs
Pussies Ran Chrissy Teigen Off Twitter With Death Threats Read More »

“Come into my world, flower. If you can handle it.”

There’s an even more sick and disturbing Honey Boo Boo update coming up, so before I darken everybody’s soul with that (The Superficial: I’mma Put My Pain In You), let’s laugh at an idiot shooting his own finger off because natural selection is hilarious. TMZ reports:

Former major league slugger Jose Canseco blew his middle finger clear off his hand while cleaning his handgun at home in Las Vegas.
Jose’s fiancée Leila Knight tells TMZ Sports … he was sitting at a table in their home cleaning the gun when it went off. She says he didn’t know it was loaded — and the shot ripped through the middle finger on his left hand.

And while this could’ve ended very badly for anyone else in the room, or the next house over, as this shit does, I’m not even going to get on my soapbox about gun control and instead offer a friendly suggestion: If you’re the type of person who’s terrible at remembering simple instructions like “be sure the child is securely fastened before starting the vehicle” or “always check the chamber,” don’t own a fucking gun. In fact, just don’t even touch them. They’re not for you. This colorful bouncing ball on the other hand? All yours, champ. Go nuts.

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Photo: Getty

All You Need To Know About Jenny McCarthy’s Sirius Show In One Pic

October 29th, 2014 // 21 Comments
On Quitting 'The View'
Jenny McCarthy Derpface Daily News Readers Care To Feed The Hungry Canned Food Drive
Fired. They Fired Her For Making Kids Die From Measles. Read More »

Posted by Photo Boy

If a picture is worth a thousand words, in this case they’re all “PPPRRRRRPPPFFFTHH,” then extended cackling followed by a suicidal producer shuffling into the booth with a can of Febreeze. Snooki appearing on any show called Dirty, Sexy, Funny With Jenny McCarthy is a joke that writes itself since only one of those adjectives applies and I’ll let you figure out which one based solely on the time she pissed herself so she didn’t have to stop dancing. Yep, it was “sexy,” nailed it. I honestly can’t imagine who’s listening to this show, because as far as I know you can’t see tits on the rad– WHY HAS NOONE TOLD US ABOUT THIS?! *jumps in car, repeatedly presses scan* SHOW ME, SHOW ME!! *drives off cliff*

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Photo: Getty

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

October 29th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Ben Affleck‘s making PSAs about saving the bats now. No, really. [Lainey Gossip]

- Julia Roberts really wants you to know she’s never had plastic surgery. [tooFAB]

- Jon Voight wants Angelina Jolie to play Michelle Bachmann. Okay… [Dlisted]

- Meet the Chivettes of ChiveFest Dallas [theCHIVE]

- Kim Kardashian can seamlessly blend into any role. [The Frisky]

- Pope Francis just basically admitted there might not be a God. [The Daily Banter]

- Kylie Jenner is super mad you’re talking about her lips, you guys. [WWTDD]

- Sarah Palin will pretend to run for office again because her grift is strong. [Death and Taxes]

- Goddamn, Vanessa Hudgens… [Popoholic]

- Have I mentioned how much I love this Tumblr? I love this Tumblr. [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- What’s up, Shawn Dillon? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jennette McCurdy might be naked again. Allegedly. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Chadwick Boseman Is Black Panther: The Day Marvel Pissed In DC’s Face

October 28th, 2014 // 36 Comments
Chadwick Boseman Black Panther
Benedict Cumberbatch
Your New Doctor Strange? Maybe? Don't Quote Me On That Read More »

During a 30 minute event that practically broke Twitter and pissed directly in DC‘s face, Marvel laid out it’s Phase 3 movie plans which included the casting of Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther, and an upcoming Captain Marvel movie staring.. somebody as Carol Danvers. Also announced was Avengers: Infinity War which will be two movies and presumably cost another billion dollars blown right onto Robert Downey Jr.‘s dick. Oddly enough, Benedict Cumberbatch was not announced as Doctor Strange which means that can go south at any minute just like the other 800 actors attached to it. Anyway, here’s the entire slate for the next four years so everyone can complain about there being “too many comic book movies,” yet still go and see them. Via Den of Geek: More »

Mama June Under Investigation By Child Services

October 28th, 2014 // 36 Comments
Mama June Shannon
It Just Keeps Getting Worse
June Shannon
The Pedophile Has Access To Honey Boo Boo Read More »

“Pah. Manga wonjee kohkpa, oong Jedi. Chool kanya wee shaja mee-choo.”

After word, and undeniable photo evidence, got out that Mama June Shannon was letting convicted child molester Mark McDaniel near Honey Boo Boo even though he molested one daughter, most people wondered when the fuck child services is going to get involved. And it turns out they are because Mama June has reportedly hired a lawyer to make sure she’s well within her legal rights to date a convicted pedophile because why ask should when you can just could? It’s like puttin’ butter in sketti. Why ruin a good supper with questions? Radar reports:

“June thought it was necessary to hire a lawyer to help her during this very difficult time,” a source told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “She has made it known to the Georgia Division of Family and Children Services that she will cooperate with the investigation.
“The lawyer was only brought on board to help deal with the navigating through the system.”

In the meantime, the local sheriff’s offices has been flooded with calls and because this guy isn’t black, they can’t just walk up and shoot him, so everybody hold onto your britches. TMZ reports: More »

Amy Poehler Bombed A Date With John Stamos

October 28th, 2014 // 14 Comments
Amy Poehler
BUURRRNNNNN
Tina Fey Amy Poehler
Tina Fey Rips Rob Schneider Read More »

John Stamos is a beautiful, ageless possible-centaur who any man, woman, child, or beast would feel extremely self-concscious about dating. And Amy Poehler is no exception because here she is telling Howard Stern about the time she went out to dinner with Uncle Jesse shortly after divorcing Will Arnett and completely bombed that shit. Although, in Amy’s defense, and to break character for a second, I’ve purposefully done the same thing with women who were way more attractive than me and I had absolutely no business being on a date with in the first place because they’d probably cry if they saw me naked. Not that I’m saying John Stamos would cry if he saw Amy Poehler naked, but he is very, very handsome. It’d be like trying to fuck an angel. Via E! News: More »

Benedict Cumberbatch Is Doctor Strange: A Post About Kendall’s Butt

October 28th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Last Time I Tried This
Is This The Guy With The Phone Booth Time Machine Thingy? Read More »

“I’ll tell you what’s strange. Giant penguins, amirite?!” (I have no fucking business writing these.)

Posted by Photo Boy

You guys know by now that Fish’s new favorite thing besides sending headless animal carcasses to Hilary Duff‘s house is to make me cluelessly write comic book posts. Since it’s looking like Benedict Cumberbatch will definitely be Doctor Strange, here we go again. Via Deadline:

I’m hearing Benedict Cumberbatch is the studio’s choice for the superhero pic, and negotiations are about to begin. The news comes after talks with Joaquin Phoenix around the time of Comic-Con went south, and Marvel went back to the drawing board.

Cool. But, what do I think? Do I think he will be good in it? Is he swarthy enough, or whatever the fuck? Uh huh, yep. He’ll probably be pretty good. There is no other sentiment I can muster for this discussion because my brain has been reduced to nothing but an ass-seeking missile the likes of even Satan’s whorechildren can’t shut down. Case in point: More »

Kevin Smith Without A Beard Will Eat Your Soul

October 28th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Kevin Smith smoked a bunch of weed and came up with some movie called Yoga Hosers, and that’s already more than you could ever possibly need to know about that. However, in the process of preparing for his role that will presumably still involve jorts – method acting has its limits – he apparently shaved his beard off and the results are goddamn terrifying because he looks like a younger, dopier version of the guy who’s trying to bang Honey Boo Boo. Then again, one of my earliest childhood memories is my dad shaving off the mustache he had for years and me treating him like a goddamn stranger trying to hug me for an entire day, so I’m probably not the most objective person to talk to right now. In fact, I’m just going to sit here with this for a minute. *cocks shotgun, pets it like a cat* You kids have fun.

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