Gwyneth Paltrow Officially Declares Marriage Is For Poor People

March 25th, 2014 // 40 Comments
Who Isn't GOOP Fucking?
Gwyneth Paltrow
Is Apparently A Question We All Should Be Asking Read More »

Despite tattooing Chris Martin‘s initials on her pubical veranda near the Rue de Vagine, Gwyneth Paltrow just announced on her GOOP website (which is some next level clickbait shit that definitely made my penis move) that they’re separating after 10 years of marriage. Here’s the full statement that remarkably wasn’t hand-delivered to your local magistrate on the finest of parchments. We live in a barbaric age.

Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Announce Their Separation After The Jump

That’s Kristen Bell’s Butt In A Bikini

March 25th, 2014 // 32 Comments

Let me be the first to say, yes, you’re right. It isn’t fair to post Kristen Bell‘s butt in a bikini directly above Maria Menounos‘ legendary ass of lore. Except you know what else isn’t fair? Comparing getting your picture taken with child rape which is also why I’ve freshly prepared this bowl of dicks for Kristen to eat. *slaps Photo Boy’s hand away* Bad! No. Those are for guests.

Photos: AKM-GSI

Maria Menounos’ Ass Is Quitting ‘Extra’

March 25th, 2014 // 20 Comments

Photo Boy and I enjoy very few perks in our line of work: No commute, no dress code, sick days, vacation days, federal holidays off, health, dental and vision insurance, creative freedom, minimal managerial interaction, movie days, decent paychecks for essentially looking at tits and making jokes about our wieners. It’s a goddamn chore is what I’m getting at. And now it’s going to suck even more because we’re not going to see daily shots of Maria Menounos‘ spectacular ass filming Extra thanks to her quitting. So here are 40 pics of it in all its splendor while I stare out the window with more sadness and sorrow than if you told me I have cancer. Or worse, Mila Kunis’ baby is mine somehow even though I have none of the memories of making it. I’d fucking shoot myself.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, WENN

Yeah, Well How Would Nick Cannon Like It If I Wore Blerkface Ba Derp Herp Derp

March 25th, 2014 // 110 Comments
Nick Cannon White Face
Die Slowly In A Fire
Julianne Hough Blackface Crazy Eyes Halloween Costume
If You Think This Is The Exact Same Thing Read More »

To promote his new album White People Party Music, actor/comedian/Mariah Carey‘s butler Nick Cannon dressed up in “whiteface” – A term that has no business existing whatsoever. – as Connor Smallnut for a surprisingly elaborate parody that’s somehow not about Justin Bieber. Anyway, white people are mad now because if the Julianne Hough/Crazy Eyes Debacle of 2013 taught us, it’s that racists genuinely believe White Chicks is exactly as offensive as blackface. So let me waste my time by pointlessly firing a few shots into the tidal wave of dumb that’s about to come crashing down upon us: More »

Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch Boobs Are What You Should Be Talking About

March 25th, 2014 // 35 Comments

Late yesterday, set photos from The Avengers: Age of Ultron surfaced online and all everyone did was freak out over how ridiculous Aaron Taylor-Johnson looks as Quicksilver after last week’s badass concept art. Yet, somehow, nobody’s even mentioning Elizabeth Olsen‘s Scarlet Witch boobs which look fucking fantastic. Is it because she’s not wearing that weird tiara thing? Is that what the deal is? Because let me hit you with an old saying: “Never look a tit-horse in the mouth.” – Benjamin Franklin, 1862

Photos: Xposure/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Good Morning, Anne Hathaway’s Nipples, And Other News

March 25th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy are not breaking up now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Of course Kaley Cuoco tattooed her wedding date on her neck. [Dlisted]

- Get Back In The Game With Sexy Girls In Sports Bras [theCHIVE]

- Lady Gaga‘s puke show is about art, darling, not eating disorders. [Fishwrapper]

- Neil DeGrasse Tyson Loves The “Stoned Neil DeGrasse Tyson” Video [The Frisky]

- “Americans should always be armed, even in the shower.” Those words happened. [The Daily Banter]

- Hello, Brittney Palmer… [Popoholic]

- Those are Sharon Stone‘s nipples. [tooFab]

- Ginta Lapina in lingerie, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Tommy Chong was cellmates with The Wolf of Wall Street. [FilmDrunk]

- We get it, Miley Cyrus, you have an ass.. type thing. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News

Jesus Christ, Jessica Simpson’s Legs

March 24th, 2014 // 53 Comments

When we last left Jessica Simpson in January, she was looking noticeably skinnier, so it was only a matter of time until that all ended and she returned to being a tater skin girl in a kale world. Except here she is somehow looking even thinner albeit to the detriment of whatever the hell’s happening to her legs. I’ve always been more of a boob man, but calves aren’t supposed to look like that, right? That can’t be healthy. More importantly, where are her boob- oh, no. Oh no no no no. I just found out Mila Kunis is pregnant, don’t you do this to me now, God. Don’t you fucking do this to me now. GIVE ME BACK MY BOOBS.

Photos: AKM-GSI