So That ‘Guardians of The Galaxy’ Review

August 3rd, 2014 // 17 Comments
Rocket Raccoon Groot

If you’ve been following the site for the past year, then you probably know I’ve been going nerdshit over Guardians of The Galaxy and all the raccoons with a machine gun within. (It even adjusts its little crotch!) So imagine how awesome it must’ve been for me to finally sit down in a theater only get to sick as all hell not even 10 minutes in, and then again 30 minutes after that, before spending the rest of the movie living in fear of shitting my pants and not just from the gun-toting woodland creature who apparently also gets drunk and does adorable little asshole things and, goddammit, we should be allowed to marry them. Anyway, needless to say, I didn’t pay near enough attention to the movie – but did like what I got to see/actually remember – so I’ll be catching it again shortly to jam out a review now that I spent the whole weekend lying on the couch reading comment threads about women whose boyfriends won’t let them fart. It’s good medicine. On a brighter note, we’re still on schedule for a normal week of celebrity tits and dick jokes starting with naked Christina Aguilera who should be hovering right above this post, so I don’t know what the hell you’re even doing down here. Do you like to read about my poop? Is that how you get your jollies, you sick bastard? WHO SENT YOU?!

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Leonardo DiCaprio Will Squirt You Now

August 1st, 2014 // 26 Comments
I Know Kung Fu
Leonardo DiCaprio Karate
Call Me Fat, Will Ya? HI-YAH! Read More »

If you’ve been to other sites this week – Slut. – you’ve probably seen the top pic of a shirtless Leonardo DiCaprio gleefully playing with a squirt gun. And now here’s the complete set which we had to do some “things” to obtain. Things that I really don’t want to talk about, so let’s just get this last part over with: Jonah Hill is totally the Harvey Keitel to Leo’s DeNiro. Sometimes when I see them together, it’s like I’m watching Mean Streets or just two really close friends who genuinely want to be with each other and not wishing the other person wasn’t there. I don’t want to jinx it, but they might even get married. *goes through pics again* Yup, that was worth it.

Photos: CIAO/AKM-GSI

Maitland Ward’s In A Bikini

August 1st, 2014 // 26 Comments

There’s always a handful of you who go ape-nuts whenever Maitland Ward pops up in The Crap We Missed, so here she is in a bikini yesterday in case you’re interested in photographs where it looks like she shit her pants at the beach. And this is the Internet, so of course you are. Some of you specifically requested it. (Sorry, I couldn’t deliver on the beanie propeller. There were… “complications.”)

Photos: Splash News

Good Morning, Chrissy Teigen’s Almost Nipple Slip, And Other News

August 1st, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Brangelina sext each other handwritten-style, baby. [Lainey Gossip]

- Kirstie Alley got Maksim Chmerkovskiy labeled a suppressive person. [Dlisted]

- I really need my own fest. Or just sexy, stretchy girls. [theCHIVE]

- JWoww doesn’t want to turn into Margaret Cho again. [Fishwrapper]

- Here’s what happens when you put Cannabis Lube in your vagina. [The Frisky]

- Pregnant Zoe Saldana‘s got ass. [Popoholic]

- Katy Perry‘s breasts made a new video. [Starpulse]

- Kendall Jenner doesn’t let Kim Kardashian come to her runway shows. [tooFab]

- Selena Gomez says she never banged Orlando Bloom. [IDLYITW]

- Draya Mitchell belongs in tight jeans. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, Sly Stallone‘s wife. [Celebslam]

- Oh, good, Bethenny Frankel‘s nipples. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

Those Are Selena Gomez’s Ass Cheeks

July 31st, 2014 // 31 Comments

Photo Boy and I are catching Guardians of The Galaxy in the morning, so almost like she sensed we could really use eight billion pageviews to justify beefing an entire business day, here’s Selena Gomez wearing tiny shorts with her ass cheeks hanging out. Which just goes to show how deep of a connection we have. These are practically an invitation to break into her house and use her toothbrush again. It’d be rude of me not to.

Photos: FameFlynet

And Now For The Time Chris Pratt Showed Amy Poehler His Penis

July 31st, 2014 // 13 Comments
Amy Poehler Chris Pratt
WATCH: Chris Pratt Flashed Amy Poehler On 'Parks & Rec'

Jimmy Fallon has completely turned me off to NBC late night talk shows because instead of actually engaging his guests in interesting conversations, he just makes them do a bunch of stupid viral bullshit so millennials will Tumblr/reddit/Tindrgrind it the next morning. (Por ejemplo.) Which is how I completely missed this Chris Pratt clip from Late Night With Seth Meyers until just now even though it efficiently mops the floor with the James Franco post I put up early today. So forget that even happened and enjoy this tale of penises flying in defiance of corporate brass, and the poor Amy Poehlers who have to react to them.

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Justin Bieber’s With Michelle Rodriquez Now

July 31st, 2014 // 28 Comments

Presumably because Zac Efron lacked too many of the soft, feminine features Michelle Rodriguez desires in a mate (Read: Vagina. He didn’t have a vagina.), here’s Justin Bieber partying with her in Ibiza yesterday because fucking with other people’s exes has been going great for him so far. Then again, TMZ says he’s actually there banging model Shanina Shaik, except that information can fuck itself because it won’t end with Cara Delevingne beating Justin Bieber down harder than Orlando Bloom ever could. Which is probably the most realistic scenario I’ve ever written on this site. You can print it out and hang it in the Smithsonian, and people will be like, “Yes, that occurred in our history. During Neil Armstrong’s moon walk. I remember it well.”

Photos: Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

James Franco Tried To Get Stephen Colbert To Break Character, He Failed

July 31st, 2014 // 16 Comments
James Franco Colbert Report

I try not to post a lot of The Colbert Report clips because it’s way better written than anything you’ll ever see here, I mean, there’s no boobs. It doesn’t have boobs! *bangs table* TEE-ITS. But so far this week, he’s taken the piss out of Kim Kardashian, and now here he is completely rebuffing poetic ingenue/flatulence repurposer extraordinaire James Franco‘s attempt to get him to break character. Then again, a true conservative would’ve shot him in the face for brandishing homosexual ornaments, so well played, dicknose. Well played.

James Franco ‘The Colbert Report’ Interview After The Jump