Bear Grylls Proposed To His Wife With A Ring That’d Been Up His Ass

September 25th, 2014 // 30 Comments
Bear Grylls Shara Wife

It’s been a contentious past couple of days, so for a change of pace, here’s a romantic tale of true love and the butthole-concealed engagement ring that bound two souls together. The scene? Bear Grylls and his now-wife Shara skinny-dipping in the ocean where one of them hides a secret that will change their lives forever. A secret… hidden in his butt. Via Uproxx:

“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks,” he recalled. “She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach.”
“I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around,” he related. “So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”

“She got the dysentery something fierce though,” he continued. “But, Piers, if you saw the look in her eyes when that asshole-ensconced ring emerged, you’d know she lived more than two lifetimes just in that moment. It was worth that week in the infirmary wondering if her liver was going to fail. I truly do believe that.”

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Getty

Chelsea Heath Is Topless Now And Other News

September 25th, 2014 // 19 Comments

- Keira Knightley might be your other new True Detective person. [Lainey Gossip]

- Christopher Walken as Captain Hook is goddamn nightmare fuel. [Dlisted]

- Miranda Kerr‘s ass is just right. [theCHIVE]

- Warning: Marijuana affects the mind. [Fishwrapper]

- “Alright, class, time for vagina cookies!” [The Frisky]

- Amber Rose is divorcing Wiz Khalifa if anyone gives a shit. [WWTDD]

- Drunk women are the real threat, not frat guys who rape them. [Death and Taxes]

- Didn’t Stacy Keibler just have a baby? Jesus Christ. [Popoholic]

- Sarah Hyland thanks her co-stars for helping her ditch a shithead. [tooFab]

- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Alyssa Barbara. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Don’t worry, I still love you, Nina Agdal. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: FameFlynet

Jessica Simpson’s Baby Is High As Shit

September 24th, 2014 // 19 Comments

Everybody shut up about everything: Eric Johnson throwing Jessica Simpson‘s baby 80 feet in the air is your new shiny object. Is it the cutest thing ever, or the launchpad for a thousand mommy blog posts on child tossing? The world’s your oyster here. As for me, I’m using it to link to photos of Jessica Simpson’s giant breasts because if baby photos aren’t the gateway to boobs then I should probably take this Gwen Stefani post down. Seriously, why didn’t anybody say anything? This on you.

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Instagram

Rob Schneider Dropped By State Farm For Being An Anti-Vaxxer

September 24th, 2014 // 45 Comments
Rob Schneider
WATCH: Rob Schneider's State Farm Commercial
#JennyAsks Backfires
Jenny McCarthy Annual Charity Day
Twitter Just Vaccinated Jenny McCarthy Read More »

Because the Internet has been a nightmare Ouroboros lately, here’s a story where online activism actually accomplished something by getting State Farm to drop Rob Schneider for being a retarded anti-vaxxer who thinks vaccines cause autism which they don’t. PR Week reports via Uproxx:

The activists have encouraged consumers with State Farm policies to get involved by contacting their agents and telling them that “someone who publicly states dangerous opinions should not be a spokesperson for a health insurance company.”

Phil Supple, State Farm’s director of public affairs, told PRWeek that the company’s advertising is intended to inform and entertain, but Schneider’s ad had the opposite effect.
“[Schneider’s] ad has unintentionally been used as a platform for discussion unrelated to the products and services we provide,” he said. “With that, we are working to remove the ad from our rotation at this time.”

Oh, wait, never mind. State Farm didn’t drop Rob Schneider out of concern for propping up the shockingly small amount of idiots it takes to medically fuck us all. (Thanks, California.) It did it because the commercial made people talk about a serious and dangerous issue instead of going, “Oh, look, a really old SNL sketch. Let’s buy State Farm Insurance!” Fuck it. I’ll take it. I don’t even care anymore. *swigs scotch* What’re you looking at?!

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Stay The Hell Away From Sarah Hyland’s Ex

September 24th, 2014 // 44 Comments
Should've Been In The NFL
Ray Rice Ravens
You Only Got In Trouble If There's Video Read More »

Modern Family star Sarah Hyland has filed a restraining order against her allegedly abusive ex-boyfriend Matt Prokop after enlisting the help of Julie Bowen to get out of the relationship. So if you only read this top part, never, ever date this guy. TMZ reports:

According to the docs, Prokop — an actor who once appeared on “Modern Family” — pinned Hyland against a car during an argument about her outfit back in May and unleashed hell … calling her “c**t, c**t, c**t” and choking her.
Hyland says in the docs, “His grip was so tight that I could not breathe or speak. I was scared and in fear for my life.”

Things went even more south when Sarah staged an intervention to get him to move out: More »

Gwyneth Paltrow Still Has Chris Martin Whipped

September 24th, 2014 // 7 Comments
Bully To Your Peasant Rules
Gwyneth Paltrow School Bus Vespa
No One Tells Gwyneth Not To Ride Her Vespa Read More »

Chris Martin‘s consciously uncoupled life may seem awesome, and full of Jennifer Lawrence‘s vagina, but at the end of the day, Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently still in control of his schedule. Which still affords him time to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so already this post is on shaky ground. We’re off to a good start. Daily Mail reports:

‘She’s drawn up a rota to balance his time living life as a bachelor and seeing Jennifer with honouring their many family commitments.’
They say Chris, 37, is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage.
‘Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,’ the source tells the magazine.
‘The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.’

“Gwyneth, love, it says here I’m supposed to spend 12:15 to 6:45 tomorrow meditating in front of the religion shelf with you and the children after ‘crafting our own Chakra mat with only gluten-free ingredients?’ How am I supposed to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?”
“You have a 25 minute window on Friday, Christopher. I don’t quite see the problem. Or you could defy me and watch as your balls remain in my hand-coiffed Belgian testicle menagerie instead of being freed for your little trollop. The choice is yours.”
“I’ll be good!”

Photos: Raef-Ramirez/AKM-GSI

Dakota Johnson’s In A Bikini

September 24th, 2014 // 10 Comments

Everything about the Emma Watson situation makes me want to rub magnets all over the Internet before pissing in its open ports (Wow, that was oddly specific.), so here’s Dakota Johnson in a bikini which is great for you because now you can tell people you saw her butt next to a rock way before everyone knew her as that one chick who got fisted in that movie. And that’s just a taste of the full media experience I bring to the table.

THE SUPERFICIAL: Showing you people doing stuff, next to things.

Photos: CIAO/AKM-GSI

The Emma Watson Nude Photo Threat Was A Bullshit Marketing Stunt

September 24th, 2014 // 53 Comments
Wielding The Fappening
Emma Watson Ban Ki-Moon HeForShe Campaign Launch United Nations
Which Turned Out To Be A Hoax Read More »

Over the past few days, the Internet lit up with a story that members of 4chan were allegedly threatening to release nude photos of Emma Watson in retaliation for her speech on feminism at the U.N. It even got my attention because if this shit is true (which it wasn’t), it’s pretty fucked up. And after posting it about yesterday, I heard from several commenters that, “No, man, you got it all wrong. 4chan wouldn’t do this. It’s a family place where we do balloon animals now. Now, 8chan. 8chan is where this probably happened.” And then there were of course the commenters going, “Yeah, she needs to shut up,” and, “Keep feminism out of MY GAMES,” because there is still a subculture inside 4chan with a history of violent, rape-filled rhetoric toward women, not to mention where The Fappening started, which made all of this entirely believable. Except everyone was wrong because it was a viral marketing stunt from a company who claims it was hired by celebrity publicists to discredit and ultimately shutdown 4chan. Via Mashable:

The website surrounding the false leaks, EmmaYouAreNext.com, threatened to release nude photographs of the 24-year-old actress and included a clock counting down to Saturday at midnight ET. The person who posted the website said it was in retaliation for Watson’s well-received speech that she gave at the United Nations on Sept. 20.
However, by midnight on Wednesday, the URL redirected to Rantic Marketing’s website. Watson’s face and the countdown clock has been replaced with a banner that says, “#shutdown4chan” and an open letter to President Barack Obama that claims celebrity publicists hired the marketing company to popularize a call for Internet censorship and the end of 4chan.

So let me tell you what was accomplished here: 1. Everyone’s seeing the words <Rantic Marketing now, so great job for them. Mission accomplished. 2. Any further, legitimate discussions on nude photo hacks and violent rhetoric toward women on the Internet – which they claim was the purpose – can now be slapped with a big ol’ “Just A Hoax” label for quick and easy dismissal. So again, super job. Great work.

UPDATE: And Rantic Marketing is a fake company. I hate everything. *buries face in bikini photos*

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: Getty, INFphoto, Splash News, WENN