Nick Lachey was on Watch What Happens Live last night where during a round of “Plead The Fifth” Andy Cohen asked him what’s the best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore? While his brother Drew had a more broad answer, Nick went right for the jugular or whatever that vein on a penis is called. Wangular artery? I’m going with wangular artery. Via The Dish:
“Can I answer this for him?” said Drew. “EVERYTHING!”
But Nick didn’t have any problems with answering himself — no pleading the Fifth for this boybander.
“Umm… I don’t have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday!”
Considering Jessica Simpson’s mom planned a goddamn murder/suicide after finding out Joe was gay their entire marriage, this probably wasn’t the most tactful approach, but then again neither is getting your anus groped on the most important day of Jesus’ fictional life. That’s like molesting someone the day Batman’s parents were shot. Show some respect, alright?
It was then, at that moment, that Tiger Woods realized Lindsey Vonn wasn’t Elin Nordegren this whole time.
So remember how Tiger Woods made an uncharacteristically public appearance with Lindsey Vonn at the MET Gala because he’s trying not to be a withdrawn, secretive hooker banging machine hell-bent on golf and fucking? Turns out he was so uncomfortable he got shit-hammered drunk and she had to carry him out. Us Magazine reports:
At one point in the evening, the once-divorced golfer got up to dance awkwardly, bopping from side to side and grabbing Vonn’s butt affectionately as she giggled.
When it was time to go, around 2 a.m., a seemingly tipsy Woods fell while walking up a small flight of stairs — and didn’t move from the spot until Vonn, clenching her teeth and looking embarrassed, helped him up and guided him (swaying a bit as he walked) to the exit, according to a witness.
In Tiger Woods’ defense, at least he didn’t marry her, have kids, then plow the entire world behind her back making her look like a doormat gold-digger to the entire world. In fact, by comparison, this is probably the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a woman. He probably wept afterward he was so overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry.. *wipes tears* I’ve just.. I’ve just never felt comfortable enough to be this nice in a relationship before, you know? *pukes on her shoes* Okay, you can blow me now.”
Photo: Splash News
Earlier in the week, shots of Megan Fox on the set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were making the rounds, but they were boring as shit, so we ignored them. Fortunately, Michael Bay is the genius auteur of our time and made her jump on a trampoline in yoga pants all day yesterday. Whether this is a scene for the movie or part of her contract is irrelevant at this point because, of course, it’s part of her contract. Tomorrow she has to film a full exercise video or Michael Bay gets to literally eat her paycheck. “Pfft. You call that a leg lift? Jimmy, tell that broad from Hooters to get in here with Megan’s check. Bay-dawg needs his lunch.” (If Michael Bay doesn’t call himself “Bay-dawg,” I hate this entire world.)
Photo: INF Daily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
- Madonna owned the MET Gala: An argument I wouldn’t make because I’m easily distracted by breasts. And the living. [Lainey Gossip]
- Lauryn Hill‘s going to jail for tax evasion. [Dlisted]
- Apparently Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair looks incredible without makeup. [theCHIVE]
- There’s going to be a Mission: Impossible 5 now. Of course. [tooFab]
- BitTorrent wants to take out Netflix. [BuzzFeed]
- Good god, Karlie Kloss in lingerie… [Popoholic]
- Arianny Celeste strips for The Simpsons. Why not? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Justin Bieber has a 24-karat gold ping pong table. Yup. [Celebslam]
- Miranda Kerr is completely naked in Vogue. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Iron Man 3 was supposed to have a Pepper Potts sextape. [FilmDrunk]
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Photo: Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Trust me, this is definitely, 100% a photo of Charles Ramsey. The one from yesterday, okay, maybe not. But this one? This one I’d bet money on.
Hope you like the word “testicles.”
Welcome to Tuesday’s The Crap We Missed. In case you missed it in the Sorry, Our Shit’s Broken post, the descriptions are back today. We heard you. We’re sorry. Although, I refuse to identify any of those men up there, so just assume, as I have, that their names are all something like Mr. Richpenis McHugerthanyours. We did not, however, abandon the new ‘Best Of’ strategy, so I’ll step aside and let shots like these do the heavy lifting. There’s Jeremy Piven on the set of the new Sex And The City sequel, as well as Kristen Stewart who’s programmed for sleep mode if there aren’t any vagina hungry film directors in the car with her, and finally, an ATV with a blown tranny.
No sign yet of Jon Hamm‘s penis. Oh wait, there it is,
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, INF, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN