Rob Schneider Wants His Freeze Peach Back!

September 26th, 2014 // 54 Comments
Rob Schneider
Rob-Meister, Makin' Copies
Rob Schneider
Of Jenny McCarthy's Bullshit Read More »

Okay, this picture is character assassination. You got me.

Rob Schneider was hired by State Farm to make it look like the cool, hip insurance company that still remembers SNL sketches from the 90s. Instead, they were flooded by protestors understandably pointing out that propping up a dangerous anti-vaxxer doesn’t exactly instill confidence in the business acumen of an insurance company. (Although, had they gone with, “You like-a the juice, huh? The juice is good,” I guarantee this whole thing would’ve gone down differently.) So State Farm shit-canned Rob because they’re a private company who hired him to make them look good which clearly didn’t happen, so tough titties. Except like most idiots who see constitutional crimes around every corner yet have very little understanding of its most basic tenets, Rob Schneider went on Twitter and started quoting George Washington on freedom of speech even though he wasn’t jailed, fined, or even remotely chastised by the government: More »

Kim Kardashian’s Practically Topless Breasts Need An Armored Car Now

September 26th, 2014 // 27 Comments

After being tackled by Vitalli Sediuk in Paris yesterday – Or the first time Kris Jenner naturally lubricated since 1986 as it shall be written in “The Apocalypse Scrolls.” – Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are traveling by armored car with armed guards now, according to TMZ. There was also talk of Kanye standing through the sunroof holding an AK-47 while a child army marches beside them, but then everyone went, “Let’s just have Kim show a bunch of tit.” No one ever saw those kids again.

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Miles Teller Is Sorry He Had Legitimate Feelings About A Shitty Movie

September 26th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Miles Teller

Normally, when actors complain about playing pretend for hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions, my initial reaction is to suggest they round up a whole bunch of dicks and press them into a sandwich. A penis panini if you will. But in this case, I actually sat through Divergent and am genuinely amazed every single person involved didn’t commit suicide. So when Miles Teller candidly told an interviewer that he felt “dead inside” filming the movie, I laid down my dicks and went, “It’s okay, son, let all out.” Via W Magazine:

“When I first read Whiplash, I was feeling dead inside,” Teller confided, in a rare display of emotion. At that time, he was in Chicago shooting this past spring’s Divergent. “I didn’t have an interesting part, and I’d taken the film for business reasons: It was the first movie I’d done that was going to have an international audience. I called my agent and said, ‘This sucks.’ He told me about Whiplash.”

Except there’s one small problem. Miles Teller is still working on the Divergent franchise and has at least nine of them left after they split the last book into seven separate movies. So here he is furiously backpedaling while his rep runs around going, “He didn’t mean the exact words that he said!”

I’ve never done a movie for “business” reasons. I’m proud to be a part of Divergent franchise and love all of Peter’s Princesses

In the meantime, Miles Teller is the new Mr. Fantastic, so hopefully he complains about feeling “stretched too thin” because I don’t know about you, but I love superhero puns and chortling to myself in a cage of loneliness. *wipes tears* Haha, I’m okay, I’m okay. Just give me a minute.

‘Divergent’ Honest Trailer After The Jump

It’s Jessica Simpson’s Breasts And Other News

September 26th, 2014 // 10 Comments

- Kate Mara doing a Rust Cohle impression? You got me. [Lainey Gossip]

- Frankie Grande‘s face when he loses Big Brother is priceless. [Dlisted]

- The best responses to Ken Jennings‘ asshole tweet about the handicapped. [The Mighty]

- These Dresses Couldn’t Be Any Tighter If They Tried [theCHIVE]

- Lindsay Lohan thinks she’ll be married with children and winning an Oscar in five years. [Fishwrapper]

- Apparently Drake got an emoji tattoo. [The Frisky]

- Selena Gomez is moving in with Justin Bieber. Fucking dammit… [WWTDD]

- Bill & Ted 3 is actually happening. [Death and Taxes]

- Elsa Pataky is still hot as shit. [Popoholic]

- Jason Derulo and Jordin Sparks broke up. Whoever they are. [tooFab]

- Nina Agdal swimsuit photos, anyone? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Jesus Christ, Derynn Lester… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: EVGA / NGRE / NGRE / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

September 25th, 2014 // 49 Comments

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure

Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because that’s what she was!
Today they were in London, England with lots and lots of girls in their underwear. One of them asked Bertney how she got so good at designing clothes and Bertney just laughed and laughed then told her Papa only lets her use crayons.
“And sometimes markers,” Bertney added, “but only at the table and never, ever in the living room ’cause one time I colored on the TB. The screen was all black, and I just wanted to make it purty.” More »

Kim Kardashian Tackled In Paris By That Dude Who Punched Brad Pitt

September 25th, 2014 // 74 Comments
'The Paparazzi Are Rapists'
Kanye West
Never Mind, I Found Who It Was Read More »

While leaving a Fashion Week event in Paris, Kim Kardashian was reportedly tackled in the legs (link includes video) by Ukrainian comedian Vitalii Sediuk who’s apparently evolved from punching Brad Pitt in the face to doing God’s work and taking out the garbage. A one-man army cleansed with the blood of righteousness as he rains justice down upon those who would turn this world into a decadent cesspool. Provided the paparazzi don’t protect their most sacred cow, of course. TMZ reports:

He wasn’t arrested on the scene — but our Kardashian sources say the paparazzi actually turned on Sediuk and held him down while Kim was whisked away.

Wait a minute. Didn’t somebody just say the paparazzi are rapists? I could’ve sworn I heard that somewhere. Who could it be…

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Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Lindsay Lohan’s ‘Mean Girls’ Sequel Sounds Familiar

September 25th, 2014 // 31 Comments
She Didn't Touch Whitney
Lindsay Lohan Wearing Mask Loulous Private Members Club London
LA Coroner Refutes Lindsay's Whitney Houston Bullshit Read More »

Seen here getting ready to spin her head around while screaming, “Let Jesus fuck you. Let him fuck you!” after blowing her first performance of “Speed-the-Plow,” Lindsay Lohan recently told Time Out London that she pitched Tina Fey a sequel to Mean Girls because, seriously, what else does she have going for her? Non-breast-related:

‘It’s been ten years since ‘Mean Girls’: how do you feel about it looking back?
‘People really love the movie: how do you top that? I was with Tina Fey [‘Mean Girls’ writer] the other day and I said we should do another “Mean Girls”, like an older version where they’re all housewives and they’re all cheating. That would be really funny. I’ll harass Tina to write it.’

“And so they’re like these housewives who are like desperate, and they do all these like desperate housewife things like sleep with the neighbors or even solve murders because they’re just really desperate to do something. These housewives.”
“Lindsay, did you maybe, perhaps steal this idea from somewhere?”
“How dare you?! I’ve never stolen a thing in my life.”
“You just shoved my daughter in your purse.”
“Whaaaaaaaa?”

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Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

September 25th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Bill Simmons
Ray Rice Found Jesus
Ray Rice Ravens
Everything's All Better Now Read More »

Despite being buried deep in the NFL‘s butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN “Outside The Lines” published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body half out across the floor. They practically bent the legal system to their will and they would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for TMZ and those meddling vids. So with that information in hand, along with dozens of other contradictory reports, Bill Simmons felt confident enough to go on his podcast Monday night and call Roger Goodell a liar before daring ESPN to tell him he can’t say that. Via Mediaite:

“Goodell, if he didn’t know what was on that tape, he’s a liar,” Simmons said Monday. “I’m just saying it. He is lying. I think that dude is lying. If you put him up on a lie detector test that guy would fail. For all these people to pretend they didn’t know is such fucking bullshit. It really is — it’s such fucking bullshit. And for him to go in that press conference and pretend otherwise, I was so insulted. I really was.”
Later, Simmons dared someone at ESPN to penalize him for speaking out against the NFL. “I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell,” he said. “Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast.”
“Please, call me and say I’m in trouble,” he added. “I dare you.”

ESPN accepted his challenge: More »