Welcome to a very special bullshit holiday edition of The Crap We Missed, brought to you by Karissa Shannon‘s giant butt, because what better way to commemorate a completely fake and meaningless thing intentionally engineered for the dual purpose of alleviating men of their money and leaving women with a dull sense of dissatisfaction about their lives.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
- Photo Boy
P.S. Ladies, if you’re looking for last-minute ideas for your special guy, Ryan Seacrest has you covered.
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Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
[Ed. Note: For the sake of this post, I'm assuming Selena Gomez is my Valentine which is neither creepy nor illegal. Also, this doll made out of her hair was here when I got here. - SW]
Dearest Valentine Who I Have Sex With In Real Life,
Last month, Elisabeth Hasselbeck literally asked with a straight face on live television if feminism and the wussification of men (one of the most bullshit topics of our generation because, gasp, the free market controlled by men made men stop acting like cavemen) is a national security threat which I foolishly thought would be the stupidest topic ever debated on Fox News after real, live White Santa and his BFF Aryan Jesus. But, sweet, sensual Valentine who I’ve showered with frequently and washed with various fruit-scented shampoos and loofahs, that was before yesterday when Elisabeth Hasselbeck found the real cause of our nation’s entitlement problem of not fucking poor people hard enough in the ass: Making little kids give everyone in the class a Valentine’s. My love, the greatest political minds of our time: More »
Here’s Kendall Jenner somehow walking the Marc Jacobs runway during Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week last night, and yes, those are her nipples you’re clearly seeing directly through her shirt. And I get it. Kris Jenner has a brand to keep relevant while people lose interest in Kim’s ass, but did she have to drain Kendall’s lifeforce before the show? That just seems like something that could’ve waited until after. Then again, I’ve never raised teenagers let alone whored one out per an accord with the devil. This is all Greek to me.
After a public relations disaster thanks to a lawsuit she ended up settling out of court after giving a now-pointless and career-destroying deposition that confirmed to the world she thinks making African-Americans dress up like plantation slaves is an acceptable wedding decoration, Paula Deen vanished from public sight. Except now she’s planning a $75 million comeback because old Southern white people “who don’t know any better” have a target demographic that can’t hand you its money (or die off) fast enough. However, not every company bailed on Paula, and some like Alice Travel, doubled down by offering cruises with Lady Butter Belle of the South which Caity Weaver subjected herself to so none of us ever have to. It’s an incredible read that examines the morbid realities of cruise ships and how easy it is to find a singing black chef to make you not look like a racist on one. And before any says it’s TL;DR because reading is hard, I made it through the whole thing, and I’m the type of person who fast forwards through the opening credits of TV shows if they deprive me of one second of Rust Cohle saying awesome bleak shit into my face. Suck it up.
Gravy Boat: My Week on the High Seas With Paula Deen and Friends – Gawker
Photos: Splash News
Welcome to Thursday’s The Crap We Missed where we learn how to say Buy Oats Cheap! in graffiti, as well as the kind of rash your face gets from Sean Penn, and how to casually take a dick selfie from Jeremy Jackson. You’ll see it. I’d have something else snarky to say but it all shot out of my sweat glands during the past hour and a half of shoveling.
Seriously Florida, why do you have to be such a methy bitch?
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
Earlier in the week, I posted about Bill Cosby‘s intentionally forgotten history of sexual assault thanks to Tom Scocca writing an awesome piece for Gawker that spurred one of Cosby’s alleged victim to come forward to Newsweek. And now another has come forward with more details from the 2005 lawsuit including her own experience being groomed by Cosby and that there were 12 other women involved in this thing, not counting ones that hadn’t come forward. So here that is which I highly recommend checking out:
Barbara Bowman Speaks About Bill Cosby Sexual Abuse Allegations – Newsweek
And here’s how Cosby’s team responded to Buzzfeed:
“You had the Gawker thing. And now there’s a gal at Newsweek that’s frisky, looking at some of these things,” the source continued. “I can’t see that that has anything to do with him going back to television.”
“A gal that’s frisky.” Well, shit, why didn’t someone say that in the first place before we got our panties in a bunch? That clears up everything. Who wants pudding pops?
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After knee-capping real rape survivors to promote the sequel to her sex tape, jack-butt of all trades Farrah Abraham has apparently switched back to Christian parenting mode because she’s totally done with having sex, you guys, and is saving her body for Christ. You read that. Via Life & Style:
Farrah Abraham bared all last year in Backdoor Teen Mom, but now she’s swearing off sex.
In the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now, the Teen Mom star explains the experience has soured sex for her — for good.
“People use sex for power and manipulation when sex is supposed to be enjoyable and great,” adding “I don’t feel that. I want to be a virgin forever — or a nun.”
Of course, there’s always the chance Farrah gave this interview before news broke about Farrah 2: Backdoor and More essentially making the whole interview look goddamn ridiculous and wasting Life & Style‘s money that they paid her, but that would mean Farrah is a dishonest whore who’ll do or say anything for attention or money like her real Jesus taught her. Hallowed be thy butt. Thy kingdom come. On earth as it is in the perfect bathroom for taking selfies. Amen.