Good Morning, Ana Braga, And Other News

August 6th, 2014 // 1 Comment

- Jesus, Eva Mendes is about to have Ryan Gosling‘s baby already? [Lainey Gossip]

- Olivia Wilde‘s son peed on her during her Glamour shoot. Don’t let the Kardashians near him. [Dlisted]

- Black Is Beautiful [theCHIVE]

- The Duggars really are birthing a literal army. [Fishwrapper]

- Dating Don’ts: On Second Shots & Rerun Relationships [The Frisky]

- Jessica Biel‘s ass has still got it. [Popoholic]

- Lucy Hale almost got fisted in Fifty Shades of Grey. [Starpulse]

- Nina Dobrev playing giant beer pong with Jimmy Fallon. [tooFab]

- Goddamn, Sarah Stephens. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Lily Allen‘s panty flash will terrify you. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photo: Fame/Flynet

Michael Jackson Used To Call Jizz ‘Duck Butter’

August 5th, 2014 // 44 Comments
Macaulay Culkin Mila Kunis
Some Things Should Stay Dead
Michael Jackson
There's A Michael Jackson Hologram Now Read More »

“Duck butter?”
“Duck butter.”
“… I’m going to let Ashton Kutcher impregnate me.”
“Fair response.”

Up until now, you probably thought a child sex alarm and spending $35 million over the course of at least 24 kids were the most disturbing allegations you’d ever hear about Michael Jackson. Except here comes latest accuser James Safechuck detailing the special “code words” Michael used to talk to children he was having sex with because your soul needed to be darken a little bit. It was shining too bright. TMZ reports:

In new court docs — obtained by TMZ — Safechuck says Michael taught him to use code words … referring to his erection as “bright light, brick city” … and calling semen, “duck butter.”
Safechuck claims Jackson also used secret signals — when they would hold hands, Michael would scratch the inside of James’ hand with a finger … to show he wanted to have sex.

Okay, duck butter I can understand because we’re talking about a man who drink anesthesia for breakfast, but “bright light, brick city?” Jesus Christ, these are kids, not a 1970s hustler named Harpoon Sweetberry. The important thing is at least he wasn’t marrying them. Except, goddammit, he was marrying them: More »

And Now Chris Pratt Remembering Every Word From Eminem’s Verse In ‘Forgot About Dre’

August 5th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Chris Pratt Whoo Kid
WATCH: Chris Pratt Raps Entire 'Forgot About Dre' Verse
'I'm Going Snake Out'
Amy Poehler Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt Flashed Amy Poehler Read More »

While I did stupid shit like go to college, Chris Pratt spent the early 2000s living in a van in Maui where he smoked weed all day and listened to Eminem. And if you think I’m being sarcastic, I sit in a basement writing about famous tits while Chris Pratt’s basically Space Robert Downey Jr. now thanks to Guardians of The Galaxy making a trillion dollars opening weekend. SAY YES TO DRUGS. STAY OUT OF SCHOOL. So here he is on the The Whoolywood Shuffle making millions of Internet vaginas sploosh by rapping the entire verse to “Forgot About Dre” which I can’t do either, goddamn college diploma. He also talks shit on Orlando Bloom who has it coming for failing to connect with Justin Bieber‘s face. And talking seriously for a minute, the state should probably take away his son. The boy deserves a real father.

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Lindsay Lohan Wants J.K. Rowling To Write A Book About Her Sex Life

August 5th, 2014 // 46 Comments
We Have The Internet, Lindsay
Lindsay Lohan Bikini Instagram
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At first glance, the headline would seem to suggest Lindsay Lohan wants to read a book about a beloved children’s author’s sex life, and honestly, who doesn’t want to know how many times J.K. Rowling achieved pure ecstasy of the flesh while creating Hogwarts? It’s practically all I think about it. Except this is Lindsay Lohan we’re dealing with, so naturally everything revolves around her and has a zero chance in hell of happening in real life. Radar reports:

The Liz & Dick star “held meetings at major publishing houses in London recently,” an insider told the UK Sun, regarding the prospects of a tell-all book with details so salacious, it might make Fifty Shades of Grey aficionados blush.
“The stories she promised the literary agents made their jaws drop.”

And while all of that sounds fascinating on paper, Lindsay Lohan is borderline illiterate so she’s going to need some help. Fortunately, she has a list of people in mind who obviously will jump at the chance to write about freckled handjobs that still didn’t get her a part in The Avengers. It’s every writer’s dream. More »

Dude, You Cropped Out Usher’s Head

August 5th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Justin Bieber Naked Instagram

Not cool, man. Not cool.

Justin Bieber’s Naked Instagram After The Jump

Olivia Wilde’s Breastfeeding, Too

August 5th, 2014 // 44 Comments

Here’s Olivia Wilde breastfeeding her son for the September issue of Glamour because not only is it National Breastfeeding Month, it’s apparently World Breastfeeding Week, so let’s pretend that’s why I posted those pics of Gwen Stefani breastfeeding yesterday. Because it certainly wasn’t to publish a private, perfectly natural moment for sexual titillation and profit. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. *goes back to pricing speed boats*

Alanis Morisette Breastfeeding After The Jump

You Have My Attention, ‘Pixels’

August 5th, 2014 // 71 Comments
Ashley Benson Topless
Ashley Benson Topless
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The only thing I know about Pixels is that it’s an Adam Sandler movie, so right off the bat I know way too much and will forever have to live with my shame. But then I saw these pics of Ashley Benson looking hot as shit while wielding double katanas as a perfectly mulleted Peter Dinklage runs behind her with a space bazooka and realized, wait, this isn’t a movie set. This is Heaven. Actual Heaven. Or you can believe that stupid kid’s story about Jesus’ horse which sounds super exciting. “What’s that, Didn’t Really Die Boy? Jesus’ horse ate a carrot? A whole carrot? All by itself?! Fuck space titties and midget mullets, let’s tell people about that. Hey, everybody, Jesus’ horse likes carrots! Orange ones, too! BOO-YEAH.”

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Good Morning, Andrea Calle, And Other News

August 5th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- The Olsen Twins really like old dudes. [Lainey Gossip]

- Gwyneth Paltrow loves violent facials. [Dlisted]

- I suddenly want to be invaded by Norway. [theCHIVE]

- Kristen Stewart probably stole Jennifer Lawrence‘s boyfriend. [Fishwrapper]

- Beware of the No Fap diet and, yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. [The Frisky]

- There’s going to be an all-female Ghostbusters reboot now. [The Daily Banter]

- Golf has coke and slutty wives now? I’m listening. [WWTDD]

- Did Minka Kelly‘s breasts get bigger? They look like they got bigger. [Popoholic]

- Michael Johns probably didn’t die from a blood clot. [Starpulse]

- Mariah Carey apparently lets her children drink dish soap. [tooFab]

- Ryan Gosling cries after sex. [IDLYITW]

- I would punch Justin Bieber over this. Or a sandwich. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Hilary Duff is sending me an adorable message. [Celebslam]

- Hayden Panettiere pregnant in a bikini, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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