Beyonce Crashed A Wedding In A Bikini

September 8th, 2014 // 14 Comments

While Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t give a commoner’s wedding the time of day let alone her royal Jewish presence and all the gifts that would bestow, Beyonce at least has the decency to pose with a bride even while acting unnecessarily terrified of her face. The poor girl’s just excited to be married and not yet riddled with the guilt of faking a divorce to boost ticket sales. Surely, you remember what that was like that one time.

Photos: CIAO / Xposure / AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

Lindsay Lohan’s Stealing Apps Now

September 8th, 2014 // 14 Comments
No, Not Meryl!
Lindsay Lohan Meryl Streep
Her Story Wasn't Done Yet Read More »

Lindsay Lohan will steal anything that isn’t nailed down, and even then, there’s still a 50/50 chance she’ll melt through the nail with her freckle acid. But I’m not here to talk science, I’m here to talk about Lindsay stealing some dude’s idea for an app and getting sued into next week for it. Page Six reports:

After completing 90 days in rehab last year, Lohan and Michael Jr. are said to have struck a deal with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik to collaborate on his startup, Spotted Friend [Ed. Note: AHAHAHAHA! - SW], a mobile application that allows users to access celebrities’ and friends’ “virtual closets” to identify the designers and buy items from them.
Lindsay tweeted about Spotted Friend in July 2013, and at the time its Web site said, “A Fima Potik & Lindsay Lohan Production.”

And here’s where shit went classic Lindsay:

Last month, Page Six reported that LiLo’s little brother was raising money for Vigme, a “social shopping community.” He said, “If Lindsay buys something, it goes into her [virtual] closet. People see what’s in her closet. If someone else buys [the same item], it puts money into Lindsay’s pocket.”

Which is great because for once Lindsay isn’t at the mercy of the celebrity justice system, and instead the target of a Silicon Valley techie with startup cash pouring out his anus. Then again, this is also a guy who not only thought Lindsay Lohan would make a great business partner, but also lacked the foresight to realize you could jizz all over any closet anywhere and everyone would believe it’s hers. For example, I could go upstairs right now and 30 seconds later people will wonder why Lindsay Lohan owns nothing but superhero T-shirts and two pairs of jeans. The opportunities are limitless.

Photos: FameFlynet, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Kendall Jenner Is Your New Fappening Because The Kardashians Are Satan

September 8th, 2014 // 29 Comments

With The Fappening now being completely banned on reddit, the air is right for the Kardashians to step into that vacuum by making Kendall continue to pull her weight in naked pictures. “She’s 19 now. It won’t kill her to show some asscrack,” are words I like to imagine were spoken because we’re talking about the original lottery winners of the “leaked” sex games racket. And by original I mean they completely ripped off Paris Hilton whose parents may have created shit-awful trust fund babies, but at least didn’t exploit them sexually for fame and fortune. Whereas Kris Jenner went, “Yes, that stuff! Let’s do that stuff. I’ll get my daugther’s butthole.”

Photos: Instagram

Behold! The Royal Uterus Has Been Resperminated! God Save The Queen!

September 8th, 2014 // 10 Comments
Fire Up The Mommy Blogs
Prince George Car Seat Royal Baby
We've Got A Prego To Judge! Read More »

“But, dear, what if it’s.. what if it’s a ginger?”
“Then you shall do what your father lacked the stones to do.”
“Kill mother and grandmother with his own two hands?”
“Haha! Heavens no, but that was a good one. Well done. I’m thinking more along the lines of a cliff and a child flying off of it.”
“But how would it fly- Oh, I see what you’re getting out. Quite good. Tea?”
“Tea.”

Because what’s the point of birthing a Royal Baby if he doesn’t have a younger sibling to try and murder him for the crown? Kate Middleton has officially announced her second pregnancy. People report:

“Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child,” said the official announcement Monday morning.
“The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.”

However, not all is well in the kingdom, for once again, The Duchess suffers from Hyperemesis gravidarum which, according to my research, is some sort of Harry Potter spell that makes you puke your fucking face off. Medically speaking. More »

Miley Cyrus Went Topless To A Fashion Show

September 8th, 2014 // 20 Comments

Hey, remember Miley Cyrus? Chick with the vagina? Her dad was that country singer? It’s not important. Anyway, here she is at some Alexander Wang fashion show party thing wearing basically nothing but pants and pasties which she’s probably hoping will distract everyone from the fact she brought a fake homeless person to the VMAs because hyper-sexualized chipmunkery is completely out of character for Miley and not the same goddamn shit we’ve seen for over a year now. In fact, I’m only taking a nap right now because that’s how I register excitement. Pure… *yawwnnn* … excitement. Yeah, that.

Photos: Vantagenews/AKM-GSI

Ray Rice Knocks Out Fiance In Elevator Video The NFL Definitely Saw

September 8th, 2014 // 67 Comments
Ray Rice
'Suspended Indefinitely'
Ray Rice
That's Some Fast Backpedaling Read More »

When Ray Rice was suspended for only two games after video surfaced of him dragging his then-fiance, now wife (Yeah…) out of an Atlantic City casino elevator, most reasonable people went, “Uh, WTF?” even as the NFL tried to downplay the severity of what happened to cause a woman to be unconscious and distancing Roger Goodell from that information. Except TMZ just published the full fight footage (along with reporting the NFL definitely saw it before the suspension) that shows Ray Rice knocking her right the fuck out. And, listen, before everyone gets all worked up, this seems like the kind of guy who’ll learn his lesson from missing two whole football games, and none of this is a reason to re-examine the acceptable violence towards women (and kids) in a sport that’s damn near a religion in this country. Let’s just file this one under, “Eh, thinking’s for pussies,” and not ruin a perfectly good Sunday. That’d be the real crime.

Ray Rice Fight Video After The Jump

Rita Ora’s Breasts Won’t Go To Waste And Other News

September 8th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

[Ed. Note: During last week's perpetual meltdown, I had Photo Boy throw this gallery together but never get around to using it. So, shut up, free boobs. - SW]

- Jennifer Lopez‘s ass has teasers now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Here’s the alternate ending for How I Met Your Mother everyone on Facebook won’t shut up about. [Dlisted]

- Red Lipstick Is Always A Nice Touch [theCHIVE]

- Won’t you please love Chris Brown again? He’s super changed this time. [Fishwrapper]

- “Nope, men and women’s brains are exactly the same,” says science. [The Frisky]

- Courtney Stodden was fucking other dudes while married to Doug? You don’t say? [WWTDD]

- Kevin Sorbo should really stop talking. [Death and Taxes]

- Irina Shayk is still hot as shit. [Popoholic]

- Joan Rivers joked about her death in final interview. [Starpulse]

- We get it, Kim Kardashian. You have tits. [tooFab]

- Scarlett Johansson actually didn’t name her baby something stupid. [IDLYITW]

- Amanda Cerny is the hottest hitchhiker. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Ashley Greene is photogenic. [Celebslam]

- Holy shit, Emily Palos… [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

The ‘Hilary Duff’ Fappening Pics Are A Sick, Twisted Mind Game. I Have Feelings, Dammit!

September 5th, 2014 // 29 Comments
Kate Upton: The Fappening
Kate Upton Cleavage No Premiere New York Film Festival
How Is The Internet Still In One Piece? Read More »

UPDATE: Here’s the official denial and legal threats, in case it wasn’t blatantly obvious the pics are fake.

So several of you have written in to alert me about new The Fappening (NSFW) pics that are supposedly of Hilary Duff which is weird because it’s not like I’m obsessed with her or anything. Obsessed with her so hard. Anyway, these quote-unquote “leaked pics” are sketchy as fuck because they’re entirely vagina shots and could literally be anyone. Except for Jessie Nizewitz. Jessie Nizewitz’s I could pick out of a lineup. So the next time you want to toy with my emotions, maybe do something a little less cruel like pointing out how I’ll ultimately die alone because I’m a nerdy, judgmental little prick who hates anything and everyone. Stop hitting below the belt is all I’m asking.

Photos: Pacific Coast News