Shit, Y’All Know Dave & Buster’s Is #BBare’s House

August 26th, 2014 // 26 Comments
#BBare's 4 Lyfe
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YO! Getcha ass up off my boy’s skeeball. AND STAY OUT DA BALL PIT. Tap Maple Zizzurp:

Justin and Selena Gomez were at Dave & Buster’s Monday night when a fan started taking cell phone pics and video of the two. Law enforcement sources say … Justin lunged at the guy … in an attempt to take his cell phone and presumably erase the pics and video.
Justin’s security held him back and he never made contact with the fan.
Police were called but before they arrived Justin booked it out of there.
Our law enforcement sources say the fan wants to press charges and Justin is being investigated … and the possible crimes are attempted battery, attempted theft (stealing the pics) and attempted robbery (grabbing the camera in an attempt to permanently deprive the fan of the pics and video).

Let me make this Crystal Light clear: ALL Y’ALL PHONES BELONG TO #BBARE. You may think you signin’ a contract with AT&T or Verizon or mothafuckin Sprint, but in actuality, you signin’ a contract to hand that shit over to #BBare if he don’t like you takin’ dem pictures. Ya see, sometimes my boy needs to have a quiet night with his girl like errbody else. Take her to dinner, get dat pussy with some Dave & Buster‘s as pussies do, and then drop dem panties with a Frosty on the way home. It’s a beautiful thing dat y’all up and ruin when you up in his face with dat cameraphone. And my boy coulda killed y’all, too, but you lucky he on parole. (And used all his bullets on Suge. WHAT.) So remember dat shit for next time: Let a nigga be Batman, man. Let him be Batman.

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Wait. Lindsay Lohan Is A Nanny?

August 26th, 2014 // 23 Comments
Lindsay's Being Lindsay
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“Call me Mrs. Crotchfire.”

I would’ve posted this sooner, but a gaping vagina and 18 server crashes will fuck a man’s schedule up, so here’s In Touch Weekly reporting that not only is Lindsay Lohan “dating” an investment banker, she’s also taking care of his kids who presumably don’t have a mother that loves them because she hasn’t tried to flee the country with them:

Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her,” a second source tells the mag, adding that the actress is doing better than ever. “She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

So you know how everyone’s been freaking out lately about the over-militarization of local police forces? Hear me out: What if we gave all that shit to child services? Mainly wherever this guy lives. Who’s going to argue that? Besides libertarians. They’re a silly group.

Photos: Splash News

The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards

August 26th, 2014 // 1 Comment

Here’s the rest of The 66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards where my comprehensive reporting will tell you Breaking Bad won fucking everything except for that one award for True Detective and Benedict Cumberbatch winning for Sherlock which slightly makes up for Rust Cohle losing to Walter White. More importantly, Laura Prepon demonstrated the misogynistic side of Scientology by letting her breasts be consumed by a Thoraxian whore-tarp. Is it because she didn’t swab the slave ship? GIVE HER MORE TIME.

NOTE: After you see Alexandra Daddario, you’re going to want to see her topless. Think of me as Jesus.

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Christina Hendricks Brought Her Monster Breasts #Emmys

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

As small children, most of us dreamed about Ronald McDonald having really huge tits. I’m talking so huge you don’t even know how he’s carrying them around, and maybe Grimace should talk to him about steroids. So now that I’ve explained how Christina Hendricks is so popular, here’s her breasts at the Emmys last night where they arrived twenty minutes before her face. — I’m joking. She doesn’t even have one. Ha! Could you imagine?

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Hayden Panettiere Brought Her Monster Fetus #Emmys

August 26th, 2014 // 8 Comments

Here’s a pregnant as fuck Hayden Panettiere at the Emmys last night where it was a goddamn miracle her unborn daughter didn’t burst out of her chest and terrorize Sigourney Weaver. Which isn’t so much a joke about the giant’s fetus inside of her (a justifiable curse for stealing his magic beans) as much it’s a comment on how little I know about pregnancy. Case in point, this net I’m holding. Can’t have the little shit laying eggs everywhere.

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Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

Good Morning, Natalia Proza, And Other News

August 26th, 2014 // 1 Comment

- Chris Martin is allowed to hear the words Angelina Jolie? That can’t be right. [Lainey Gossip]

- Religion is denying you Cersei‘s boobs. And maybe even mons pubis. This is HBO! [Dlisted]

- Wait. Are her breasts flying the plane? They can do that?! [theCHIVE]

- John Stamos took a nude selfie. [Fishwrapper]

- Rumer Willis seems less chinny. [WWTDD]

- Jesus Fucking Christ, Mila Kunis. [Popoholic]

- If giving someone Skittles count as fucking, then yes, JLo is back with Casper Smart. [Starpulse]

- True Blood ended if anyone still gives a shit. [tooFab]

- Alessandra Ambrosio is still in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]

- That is definitely a vagina. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

The Crap We Missed – Monday 8.25.14

August 25th, 2014 // 3 Comments

[Ed. Note: So it's 7:15 PM EST, and our server just now started working. Or at least enough for me to type this and then presumably crap out, so my apologies for the ensuing shooting spree if that happens. Anyway, I'll shut up now and gun up this post Photo Boy finished hours ago before we disappear into the ether again. There are other worlds than this... - SW]

Welcome to Monday’s The Crap We Missed which, judging by our server performance, you’ll probably never see. So, if you’re somehow reading this Obama’s Secret Muslim Socialist Society meetings are every Tuesday at 9PM at your local vegan cafe, bring donuts!, please enjoy all of the nipples, butts, and Simon Cowell walking by an old dude’s naked scrotum I managed to jam onto our site before it shit itself and died.

What do you mean why don’t we use all this tit money to get our shit fixed? Psh, you guys and your valid solutions to problems,

- Photo Boy

Photo: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

The Rest of The Goddamn #VMAs

August 25th, 2014 // Leave a Comment

Because our server is like the TARDIS if the TARDIS had Down syndrome, we’re falling apart at the seams over here, so here’s the rest of The 2014 VMAs before the whole thing explodes. And if you’re wondering why I’m not posting about Beyonce‘s feminist tour de force or Miley Cyrus using all of her vagina attention to help the homeless, there, I just said words about them. They’re part of our rich national tapestry. Now go look at the titties. Photo Boy was up all night gathering them in a bucket. (Don’t question his methods.)

Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News