Zac Efron Was Just Looking For Sushi. After Midnight. In Skid Row.

March 28th, 2014 // 5 Comments
This Sounds Legit
Zac Efron
Zac Efron's Car 'Ran Out of Gas' Read More »

Yesterday, word got out that Zac Efron got his ass kicked by the homeless after he threw a bottle at them for some reason when his car “ran out of gas” in the middle of Skid Row. Which doesn’t sound sketchy at all because there’s a perfectly good reason for why Zac Efron was there. He, uh, wanted some sushi. Yeah, that’s it. Sushi. TMZ reports:

Cops are skeptical, and it’s echoed by Zac’s friends. As one friend put it, “Zac’s a loner. He goes out rarely and the idea of him driving for miles to go to some sushi restaurant in downtown L.A. after midnight is preposterous.”
Several of Zac’s friends tell us the so-called bodyguard is not a bodyguard at all. We’ve confirmed he’s a convicted drug dealer who has been spending a lot of time with Zac recently … despite warnings from friends.

When reached for comment, noted narcotics expert Charlie Sheen said, “If Zac Efron was in Skid Row for sushi, then I’m goddamn Poseidon and vanquish my enemies with a trident. Actually, wait, I do do that last part. Can I start over?”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Splash News

Mila Kunis Is Definitely Pregnant, There’s No Denying It Anymore

March 28th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Goddammit Kelso
Mila Kunis Pregnant
Mila Kunis Is Pregnant Read More »

“Is that my real daddy? Can it be?” – Mila Kunis‘ fetus

Even though I posted about it, I never truly believed Mila Kunis is pregnant because, let’s be honest, we all read it on the Internet and the Internet is bullshit. Almost nothing on here is real. For God’s sake, Kim Kardashian isn’t even an actual person. She’s just garbage bags full of cottage cheese that we all take turns making an intern cart around in front of the paparazzi. I still can’t believe you fell for that. Anyway, here’s Mila at CinemaCon last night looking pregnant as all hell which means Ashton Kutcher definitely slipped one past the goalie or Channing Tatum has achieved full Skarsgard. And before you laugh that off, have you seen Jonah Hill lately? That’s triplets, motherfucker.

‘Jupiter Ascending’ Official Trailer 2 After Jump

Good Morning, Tetyana Veryovkina, And Other News

March 28th, 2014 // 3 Comments

- So who wants to see Prince Harry get pregnant? [Lainey Gossip]

- Zac Efron‘s bodyguard is apparently paid well. [Dlisted]

- Girls Are Working Out Hard For The Weekend [theCHIVE]

- Somebody put January Jones back in her coffin. [Fishwrapper]

- There’s a Walking Dead beer with actual brains in it. Yup. [The Frisky]

- Hannah Davis bikini photos, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Jessica Simpson has actually been exercising. The Jessica Simpson. [tooFab]

- Nicole Aniston is still in a bikini. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Steven Seagal is Putin‘s Dennis Rodman. [FilmDrunk]

- Sophia Bush‘s monster cameltoe. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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James Franco Did Not Bang Lindsay Lohan

March 27th, 2014 // 26 Comments
The Client List: Part 2
Lindsay Lohan Side Boob
Of Course There's A Sequel Read More »

Two weeks ago, In Touch “somehow” got a hold of a handwritten list of celebrities that Lindsay Lohan‘s had sex with. Except one of the people on that list wants to make it abundantly clear he did not bang Lindsay to the point that he brought it up without prompting while promoting his latest book of dicknose poetry. Via LA Magazine:

You wrote about several celebrities in this book, including a couple of poems about Lindsay Lohan. Have you gotten any response from any of these people?
No, I didn’t write anything bad about them. And Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list! So I feel like what I said is much less than what she’s said.

While it behooves James Franco to deny sticking his penis in Lindsay Lohan, his argument is that 200% of the words out of her mouth are a lie which is one of the few undeniable constants in this world. So even if James Franco really did have sex with her, the fact that she said he did immediately makes that statement false. For example, if Lindsay Lohan said the events of 9/11 happened, the World Trade Center would magically reappear and thousands of American soldiers would suddenly return to life instead of being dead from two bullshit wars. Except she won’t do that because there’s no coke or international sex work in it for her, so really, when you think about it, she’s actually worse than Osama Bin Laden. The logic checks out.

Photos: Splash News

‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Has A Trailer

March 27th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Trailer
WATCH: 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Official Trailer

Here’s the official trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles which looks exactly like what you’d expect from a Ninja Turtle movie made by Michael Bay and the director of Battle Los Angeles. That said, I didn’t see any testicles or giant turtle dicks, so I hope every single person involved gets AIDS in the mouth. (Can you tell I’m getting back into serious film critic mode? I was trying to be subtle.)

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Metaphysically Unaligning Herself From Thespiatic Endeavors

March 27th, 2014 // 38 Comments
'Conscious Uncoupling'
Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks For Sharing Premiere

Now that she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin because divorce is what you, the little people, do (I bet you don’t even buy each other uncoupling gifts, you unwashed beggar’s bazaar.) Gwyneth Paltrow will now transcendentally acquit herself of acting and don’t say quit or she’ll stab you with her gilded pheasant deboning knife. E! News report:

Gwyneth Paltrow Works Harder Than Every Mom After The Jump

Katy Perry’s Banging Riff Raff, Suck It, John Mayer

March 27th, 2014 // 46 Comments
Katy Perry Riff Raff
Wait, He Didn't Propose?
Katy Perry's Breasts Grammys After-Party
Shocked. I'm Shocked. Read More »

Continuing her trend of letting questionable men see her giant tits naked, Katy Perry is apparently dating Riff Raff now. And who the hell’s Riff Raff? The real life version of James Franco‘s character in Spring Breakers, so you’d assume Katy Perry would keep something like this a secret except she’s bragging about it on Instagram because this will surely teach John Mayer a lesson. I can just see him now, penis buried in his fifth groupie of the day as a solitary tear runs down his cheek. “Why was I such a fool?! A damn, damn foo- oh, wow, a sixth one! YES. Wait, what was I talking about? Eh, it’s not important. Ohmygod, is that a condom? Throw it out the window.”

The First Riff Raff Video That Showed Up When I Googled His Name After The Jump