Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our weekly grab-bag of all the horrible shits you say in the comments that I love as if they were my own children. You’ll notice there’s two Morgan Freeman comments this week, and that’s because you can’t read them without hearing them in his voice making each one awesome. On top of that, a bunch of you went fucking bananadong over Russell Mcjimmy‘s review of Nicki Minaj‘s “Anaconda” video, so I posted that in its entirety down below which reminded me of McFeely Smackup‘s epic review of Farrah Abraham‘s sex tape from May 2013. I could’ve sworn that shit happened just the other day. You’re all growing up way too fast. I don’t like it!
Russell Mcjimmy’s ‘Anaconda’ Review After The Jump
“You! Yeah… you, right there. Black dress, stupid strap thingy. You get Cowell on the line and you tell that bastard a bet’s a FUCKING bet. He didn’t think I could do it, well, you tell him I fucking did it. I fucking did it all by myself with my hands on the slimy thing and he fucking owes me one hundred fucking MILLION dollars. Or.. or.. c’mere. I wanna whisper in your fucking ear: A hairy motorboat between those giant man-tits. Emphasize that last part. Wink!” *pukes in champagne bucket*
Now I know what you’re thinking, there aren’t 25 Asian kids running around, so clearly it’s Tara Reid. Except you’re forgetting one important piece of information: Kate Gosselin hates her children and will do everything in her power to never be around them. Why do you think her house is 80% crawlspaces? The woman’s a calculated and meticulous planner. Anyway, happy guessing, super sleuths.
Photos: Getty, Splash News
According to the photo agency we got these from, Bruce Jenner was allegedly going out of his way to make sure the front of his chest wasn’t photographed yesterday because he may or may not be blossoming into a beautiful woman, full-bodied and sensual. (h/t Eric Jonrosh) And if you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, tits, people. He’s growing tits. One of them’s opening the car door, for God’s sake.
We’ve already seen Ashley Benson topless, so here she is running around naked with Troian Bellisario in a new Instagram photo because apparently she doesn’t know people are suing over uncensored butthole these days. Or does that only count if there’s gaping birth canal? I tried to ask our lawyer, but he was too busy giving Chris Hansen directions to my hou- wait.
UPDATE: Apparently Ashley Benson took this pic from Pinterest because here’s her real butt: More »
Yesterday, Nick Cannon confirmed to The Insider that he and Mariah Carey have been living in separate houses for months because this guy will tell anybody fucking anything. Which is why Mariah slapped him with a gag order, so this is all going well. TMZ reports:
Sources close to the couple tell TMZ … Nick and Mariah’s lawyers hashed out a confidentiality agreement as part of their divorce … and it’s completely one-sided.
Nick is barred from saying anything about the split. If he does, there are severe financial penalties. But Mariah has the right under the agreement to announce the split on her terms.
And those terms are a Craigslist ad for a new butler who hasn’t had sex with Kim Kardashian which will probably violate a few equal opportunity laws. You can’t just come right out and say, “Oh, hey, by the way, no black guys.” It’s a different world now.
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- Chris Pratt has reached Christian Bale-ian levels of awesome. [Lainey Gossip]
- Brooke Mueller made her assistant be a drug mule? That sounds exactly right. [Dlisted]
- Let’s Put Some Asian In The Equation [theCHIVE]
- LeAnn Rimes could be pregnant any second now. [Fishwrapper]
- Christian country music wants you to clean up after your man who’s basically a toddler. [The Frisky]
- Chelsea Handler‘s not bringing Chuy to Netflix. Has he tried sleeping with a powerful executive? [WWTDD]
- Jessica Hart does GQ. [Popoholic]
- Miley Cyrus is attending the VMAs, not performing, so you’ll still see her vagina. [Starpulse]
- Justin Bieber shaved his little pube mustache. [tooFab]
- Kristen Stewart did the Ice Bucket Challenge wrong. [IDLYITW]
- What’s up, Erin Heatherton? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Cara Santana wears the hell out of a sports bra. [Celebslam]
- Mother of fucking God, Genevieve Morton basically topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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