Kate Upton Won’t Get Naked And It’s Your Fault

August 8th, 2014 // 28 Comments
Shh, No More Talking
Kate Upton Fat Weight Gain Lily Aldridge Midriff Legs Short Shorts
No More Talking. Just Emotions. Read More »

In a new interview with Details, Kate Upton reveals why she’ll never pose naked, and it’s because of jerks already putting photos of her all over the Internet for people to get boners from them which apparently isn’t “art” even though I ritualistically paint my penis in the style of Gustav Klimt every morning before breakfast, so maybe check your privilege, Kate:

For me those photos are art. Your body is art, your body is beautiful, and to be photographed in that way is amazing and it’s received in a very positive way. But with social media and the Internet and not so great blogs and the attention like that, I don’t think that my pictures would be received in the way that I’d want them to be received. That’s why I’ve stayed away from them. I really appreciate those photos and I think those women are beautiful, but I think social media and the Internet has prevented me from putting myself out there like that.

Kate Upton made a Hot Pockets video with Snoop Dogg, so I’m pretty sure she gave up the right to lecture anyone about art if not dinner pastries. That said, I’m personally offended that she thinks me, a “not so great” blogger, wouldn’t tastefully post her nudes to the Internet. For the record, I already have scented candles sitting right here which I will painstakingly light while the romantic Nelly ballad “Hot In Herre” plays in the background. It’ll be like a night of culture at the Louvre provided the Louvre is some sort of giant masturbating arena from TRON which I’ll argue to the death it is.

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Guys, I’m Pretty Sure Megan Fox Wants To Bang Shia LaBeouf Again

August 8th, 2014 // 17 Comments
No Sex For Brian
Megan Fox Legs Apple Store Interview
Megan Fox Sounds Like A Fun Wife Read More »

Earlier in the week, Megan Fox made it a point to let the world know she’s not having sex with Brian Austin Green. On top of that, she made a passive aggressive jab that he wants more kids because “he doesn’t have to do any of the work” and then followed that up by naming Shia LaBeouf her favorite on screen kiss. The same Shia LaBeouf she hooked up with while filming Transformers and is now openly defending despite a series of douchetastic shitamaroo. The New York Daily News reports:

“I’m not worried about Shia,” says Fox. “I love my Shia. He’s perfectly fine. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years, but I don’t worry about him. He’s a brilliant kid, talented and funny. … There’s no reason to worry.”

And in case that’s not enough evidence she wants to leave Brian Austin Green for The Beef, here’s an even bigger bombshell that proves their marriage is a sexless dungeon of passive aggressive hate and death. E! News reports: More »

Kourtney Kardashian: ‘Hi, Mom, I Look Better Than You Naked’

August 8th, 2014 // 13 Comments

As part of Throwback Thursday, the digital equivalent of going over to someone’s house and having them pull out the slide projector, Kourtney Kardashian posted a naked picture from her first pregnancy next to the topless pic of Kris Jenner that she thought would make a wonderful birthday present for Rob, so it really is a mystery why he’s been the size of a house and chronically depressed ever since. Anyway, I don’t know what Kourtney’s hoping to achieve here, but it’s either a power move to assume the matriarchy from her mother by having way better plastic surgery, or its someone else’s birthday, and this is the only gift these people know how to give. “Ohmygosh, grandma, you turned 87? Here’s a side shot of my mucus plug.”

Photos: INFdaily, Splash News

Good Morning, Michelle Rodriguez, And Other News

August 8th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Captain America made Batman flinch. [Lainey Gossip]

- Blake Lively won’t let Martha Stewart stop her, so someone should probably tell her about the drone. [Dlisted]

- Hot Girls With Messy Rooms [theCHIVE]

- Oh, good, James Franco and Lana Del Rey were in the same room. Wonderful. [Fishwrapper]

- New Teacher Shows Up Drunk & Pantsless First Day On The Job [The Frisky]

- Michael Lohan know he used to kick vaginas, right? Just making sure. [WWTDD]

- Ashley Greene went grocery shopping looking like this. [Popoholic]

- Drake has no idea why everyone thinks he called Rihanna the devil. [Starpulse]

- If not vaccinating your kid makes you look like this, maybe we should bring polio back. [tooFab]

- Julianne Hough in Daisy Dukes. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Kate Upton was fun while she lasted. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Lourdes Leon Is Still In A Bikini And No Madonna Vagina Selfies This Time, Promise

August 7th, 2014 // 17 Comments

“If I turn off the lights and say your mom’s name three times into a mirror, she smears blood all over the walls.”
“Yeah, she does that.”

On top of stimulating serious discussions on race relations in America, I also like to post bikini photos of celebrities’ daughters because I’ll go to my grave saying it’s the key to reinvigorating America’s love affair with reading. Also, I hope to one day coax Chris Hansen out of retirement and force him to do battle in an elaborate exo-suit. He can’t ignore me much longer. I’ve grown too powerful.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News

And Now Floyd Mayweather Jr. Getting Bathed By His Female Assistant

August 7th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Floyd Mayweather Bath Assistant

Earlier today, we read about Kanye West equating the plight of modern celebrities with blacks in the 1960s, so to drive that point home, here’s Floyd Mayweather Jr. getting bathed by his assistant because, and I quote, “This is how I get my day started, everyday. – MR. MY LIFE IS THE SH*T.” It’s practically Birmingham, Alabama all over again. This man’s a human being!

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Getting Bathed By His Assistant After The Jump

Jesus Christ, Chrissy Teigen In ‘Esquire’

August 7th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Chrissy Teigen Esquire

Yesterday, we got to see Chrissy Teigen throwing out a drunken first pitch, and now here she is looking probably the hottest I’ve ever seen her look in Esquire whose pics I won’t steal because they can afford way better lawyers. I’d offer them a night with Photo Boy in return, but he’ll probably just sit there pretending he’s really into whatever show they’re watching before conveniently falling asleep. I honestly think about killing him sometimes.

Chrissy Teigen: A Woman We Love – Esquire

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Pancreatic Cancer, Huh?

August 7th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Steve Jobs

Being asked every second of every day when the new iPhone is coming out would drive anyone to fake their own death, so here’s a wheelchair-bound, yet alive Steve Jobs in Brazil where he’d gladly risk a knife to the throat than talk one more second about diamond quartz screens. According to legend, he’s been known to take flight and knock iPads out of villagers’ hands while cawing like a bird. Gola pássaro da morte, the locals call him which roughly translates to “turtleneck bird of death.” Although, if you ask him, he’ll say it means “Steven-Claw” while scratching at the air. Superstition can be a powerful tool when placed in the right hands.

UPDATE: And here’s the official cover story which will rainbow wheel every Apple device if you don’t it accept as fact. Choose wisely.

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