Let’s start from the beginning. Three weeks ago, Chris Brown was arrested for allegedly assaulting a man for photobombing him – Yup. – then preemptively checked himself into rehab for anger management to try and duck violating his probation. Barely two weeks later, Chris’ lawyer told everyone he voluntarily checked himself out to finish the community service he was ordered to complete after getting caught faking his community service in Virginia that was part of his sentence for beating the shit out of Rihanna. Which actually sounded reasonable to me at the time because no one ordered Chris Brown to go to rehab, it was a transparent Hail Mary to duck going to jail, and he legitimately had community service to complete. So naturally it turned out he was kicked out of the facility for throwing a rock through his mom’s car window because Chris Brown is a violent shithead. TMZ reports:
We just got hold of the probation report in the Rihanna case, which outlines what happened during his 13 days in a Malibu rehab joint for anger management counseling.
According to the report, Chris’ mom showed up for a family session and was urging her son to stay in the facility for extended treatment. Apparently, Chris violently disagreed with her and in a fit of anger threw a rock through her car window, shattering it.
Fortunately, this was a smart move by Chris Brown because by telling his mom to fuck off and chucking a rock at car like a goddamn two-year-old to prove he doesn’t need anger management, he was court ordered yesterday to serve 90 days in a live-in rehab for exactly that. Because the thing you don’t know about Breezy is, he plays three-dimensional chess. More »
- Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin need to go live on Rage Island. [Lainey Gossip]
- Let’s keep Hump Day rolling with Bryana Holly. [theCHIVE]
- Will Smith just shows up in Justin Bieber‘s room in the middle of the night. [Dlisted]
- Which probably explains why his children are still shitheads. [Fishwrapper]
- The Change.org petition to end all Change.org petitions. Literally. [The Daily Banter]
- Kristen Bell is a Disney Princess now. [tooFab]
- The Best Advice To A Homophobic Parent That’s Ever Been Given [BuzzFeed]
- Hel-the-fuck-lo, Violet Budd… [Popoholic]
- Kelly Brook is still the perfect wom- Oh, right, Jeremy Piven. Fuck. [Hollywood Tuna]
- Maryna Linchuk is really starting to get my attention. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Unless you want herpes, buy your own damn copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. [FilmDrunk]
THE SUPERFICIAL | About • Facebook • Twitter
Welcome to Wednesday’s The Crap We Missed featuring newcomer Kea Ho, a man woman whose name actually made me laugh out loud into the cold emptiness of my mother’s basement, because I am both emotionally undeveloped and racially insensitive. So to keep that vibe going, here’s Jeremy Piven being heckled by gays, Iggy Pop actually wearing a shirt, and Jennifer Nicole Lee dribbling ice cream all over her boobies to make me think of ejaculate.
*breaks through third waffle cone with penis* HOLLYWOOD IS ALL LIES!
- Photo Boy
Click Here To Start The Gallery
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Earlier in the week, Rita Ora collapsed in Miami while doing a photo shoot which I didn’t bother posting about because I honestly have no idea what the fuck she does outside of dating Rob Kardashian that one time which made me want to know even less. Except here she is wearing a bikini this morning which seems like something I should probably cover unlike that stuff about her almost dying. Because let’s be realistic, everyone “almost dies” every time they fall asleep at night. What does she want? A medal?
Photos: Splash News
Bertney Kisses A Boy
For Grades K – 5
Bertney had to kiss a boy for her new perfume commercial, but Bertney didn’t like kissing boys. And she especially didn’t like commercials.
“But boys’ moufs don’t even taste like Furnch fries!” she told Papa. “And ‘mercials ruin my cartoons,” she said with a pout.
“Now, Bertney,” Papa said. “People won’t buy your perfume if they don’t think it will make them fall in love.”
“How do you fall into love?” Bertney asked. “Wouldn’t that hurt?”
“Well, you see, Bertney. When two people start spending a lot of time together and never want to be apart, that’s called falling in love.”
“Then I falled in love with ice cream!” Bertney laughed.
“Haha, I’d say that’s true,” Papa said with a smile. “Now be a good girl and open your mouth for the nice boy so Santa can bring you lots of presents this year.”
“Presents!” Bertney squealed with a clap. “Oh boy!”
“And if he tries to touch your secret place, tell him he has to pay Papa extra.”
“Haha, Papa, I don’t even know what that means!”
Photos: Pacific Coast News
But, seriously, Haylie Duff‘s pregnant, right? These are photos of a pregnant woman. Yeah, she’s pregnant.