Bertney And The Key To The City

November 6th, 2014 // 17 Comments

Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader

Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky Charms in my ice cream!” she’ll tell you with glee.
But keys are very, very special. Sometimes Papa will jingle his keys in front of Bertney’s faces and before she could stop giggling, she’d wake up in bed with a new boyfriend. It was always very exciting.
“Now listen closely, Bertney Jean,” Papa said while Bertney thought about a butterfly she saw by the swing set. It had white dots on its wings! “Today, you’re going to receive the Key to Las Vegas, and it is a very special honor.”
Bertney didn’t know what any of those words meant, but she did know that keys can open doors. And aren’t food. That one took a while for her to learn. More »

Ariana Grande Made A New Video

November 6th, 2014 // 26 Comments

Ariana Grande performed at the CMA‘s last night, but I refuse to write about that on principle, so here’s her new video for “Love Me Harder” because like I said underneath Margot Robbie‘s nipples, I’m trying to make this a happy day for everybody. In this case, dudes who like 21-year-old girls that look like they’re 12. I don’t condone your lifestlye, but dammit if I won’t squeeze a bunch of pageviews out of you before forwarding your IP address to Chris Hansen. (He’s already in your pantry. It’s too late for you now.)

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That Guy Everyone Hates On ‘Top Chef’ Arrested For Domestic Violence

November 6th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Aaron Grissom Top Chef Boston
Previously In Asshats
'You A Trout Mouth Ass Bitch' Read More »

I make it a point never to watch reality TV because I have better things to do with my time like [literally anything that's not reality TV here]. So I have no idea who Aaron Grissom is, but the Internet tells me he’s a huge fucking douche everyone hates on Top Chef which I’m going to believe because he just got arrested for beating his girlfriend. “Allegedly.” TMZ reports:

Aaron Grissom — easily the most hated contestant on the current season of “Top Chef” — has been arrested for felony domestic violence … TMZ has learned.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Grisson was at his San Fernando Valley home Tuesday afternoon when he got into a heated argument with his girlfriend and allegedly pushed her hard enough that her knee got injured.

When I was a manager at Applebee’s, one of our grill cooks was arrested for beating the shit out of his girlfriend before robbing her blind and couldn’t make it to his Friday night shift unless somebody posted his bail. Which another manager literally asked me to chip in for because the riblets weren’t going to cook themselves. I didn’t, by the way, and am mostly telling myself this story to steel myself for working in the food industry again when the site goes tits up. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right, douche chef. What is he like the Chris Brown of steaks or something? (Nailed it.)

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Photo: Bravo

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Has A Title

November 6th, 2014 // 10 Comments

SPOILER ALERT: The Force takes naps. Just like 98% of the cast does.

Adding… If all of this is completely underwhelming news, here’s a story about how Freddy Krueger got Mark Hamill the role of Luke Skywalker because every actor slept on another actor’s couch in the 70s. They won’t tell you to your face, but most of them still won’t sleep in beds. They’re a cowardly and superstitious lot.

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Photo: Twitter

Margot Robbie’s Nipples Will Lead Us Into The Light

November 6th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Previously In Nipples
Chelsea Handler Topless Nipples Putin
Wait, Chelsea Handler's?
ABORT. Read More »

So the past two weeks have been a soulcrushing smorgasbord of child molesters and the sloth-people who let them near their kids, and pretentious hipsters who think writing about their little sister’s vagina is totes edgy, all capped off by me staring deep into a bottomless abyss of dumb that 100% believes that even a basic college education is a brainwashing indoctrination into Communism. And these people fucking vote. But today’s a new day, and with that day comes Margot Robbie’s nipples and not a single post about Mama June, Lena Dunham or politics [because I'm all out of liquor]. There’s even a Bertney Story coming up because in the words of Aaron Eckhart‘s chin, “The night is darkest just before the nipple. And that’s how we’ll catch The Joker. With a nipple.”

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Photo: Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI

Amanda Bynes’ Parents: ‘Fuck It, We’re Moving To Texas’

November 6th, 2014 // 24 Comments
Everything's Still Awful
Amanda Bynes Green Wig Court Reckless Endangerment Hearing
What Did You Expect? Read More »

With a conservatorship over her finances secured by a judge, Amanda Bynes‘ parents’ plan was to slowly give her small amounts of money in hopes that she’d eventually hit rock-bottom and get the help she obviously needs. Except waiting games eat bushels of dick, so they’re punting the whole thing over to a mental health professional and bailing to Texas. Which is probably for the best, so I don’t know why I said all that stuff about eating dicks. Then again, I haven’t had breakfast yet. TMZ reports:

Sources familiar with the case tell TMZ … Amanda will now be under the thumb of a mental health professional who specializes in handling people with severe mental illnesses. Her parents will ask the judge to transfer conservatorship powers to that person.
We’re also told the parents have made arrangements to transfer power over financial matters to another person … presumably a money manager.

On a related note, and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but a source for Perez Hilton actually called this hours before it happened and claims that the real reason Amanda Bynes’ parents are moving to Texas is because she started making death threats. Which is usually something you don’t fuck around with when the person making them has a history of lighting propane tanks on fire by using her dog as the wick. Also it would explain these tweets: More »

Good Morning, Lisa Opie, And Other News

November 6th, 2014 // 15 Comments

- Marc Anthony got engaged to his model girlfriend. [Lainey Gossip]

- I honestly forgot Shauna Sand was still out there. [Dlisted]

- Kirk Cameron took his daughters to Jessa Duggar‘s wedding so they could basically learn that kissing before marriage is for sluts. Yup. [Fishwrapper]

- Presenting The Internet’s Cleavage Hall of Fame [theCHIVE]

- Jon Hamm can be obsessed with cats because he has a giant penis. [The Frisky]

- Irina Shayk in lingerie. [WWTDD]

- The struggle for McMuffins is real. [Death and Taxes]

- Stacy Keibler looks great with breasts. [Popoholic]

- Good God, Lily Aldridge… [Hollywood Tuna]

- Emma Stone‘s wearing more for Cabaret again. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

It’s The Tenth Anniversary Of The Last Time Lindsay Lohan Was Relevant

November 5th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Thanks to Lindsay Lohan being Lindsay Lohan, everyone already knew Entertainment Weekly was doing a Mean Girls reunion story, and now that day has come. Below’s a link if you’re so inclined to read such highlights as Lindsay Lohan bitching about Hilary Duff to poor Tina Fey and Amy Poehler who apparently is a consummate professional even while a Chihuahua chews her prosthetic nipples off. As is to be expected.

EW’s ‘Mean Girls’ reunion: The Cast Looks Back On The 2004 Hit

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Photo: Paramount Pictures