Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader
Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky Charms in my ice cream!” she’ll tell you with glee.
But keys are very, very special. Sometimes Papa will jingle his keys in front of Bertney’s faces and before she could stop giggling, she’d wake up in bed with a new boyfriend. It was always very exciting.
“Now listen closely, Bertney Jean,” Papa said while Bertney thought about a butterfly she saw by the swing set. It had white dots on its wings! “Today, you’re going to receive the Key to Las Vegas, and it is a very special honor.”
Bertney didn’t know what any of those words meant, but she did know that keys can open doors. And aren’t food. That one took a while for her to learn. More »
Ariana Grande performed at the CMA‘s last night, but I refuse to write about that on principle, so here’s her new video for “Love Me Harder” because like I said underneath Margot Robbie‘s nipples, I’m trying to make this a happy day for everybody. In this case, dudes who like 21-year-old girls that look like they’re 12. I don’t condone your lifestlye, but dammit if I won’t squeeze a bunch of pageviews out of you before forwarding your IP address to Chris Hansen. (He’s already in your pantry. It’s too late for you now.)
I make it a point never to watch reality TV because I have better things to do with my time like [literally anything that's not reality TV here]. So I have no idea who Aaron Grissom is, but the Internet tells me he’s a huge fucking douche everyone hates on Top Chef which I’m going to believe because he just got arrested for beating his girlfriend. “Allegedly.” TMZ reports:
Aaron Grissom — easily the most hated contestant on the current season of “Top Chef” — has been arrested for felony domestic violence … TMZ has learned.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Grisson was at his San Fernando Valley home Tuesday afternoon when he got into a heated argument with his girlfriend and allegedly pushed her hard enough that her knee got injured.
When I was a manager at Applebee’s, one of our grill cooks was arrested for beating the shit out of his girlfriend before robbing her blind and couldn’t make it to his Friday night shift unless somebody posted his bail. Which another manager literally asked me to chip in for because the riblets weren’t going to cook themselves. I didn’t, by the way, and am mostly telling myself this story to steel myself for working in the food industry again when the site goes tits up. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right, douche chef. What is he like the Chris Brown of steaks or something? (Nailed it.)
Adding… If all of this is completely underwhelming news, here’s a story about how Freddy Krueger got Mark Hamill the role of Luke Skywalker because every actor slept on another actor’s couch in the 70s. They won’t tell you to your face, but most of them still won’t sleep in beds. They’re a cowardly and superstitious lot.
With a conservatorship over her finances secured by a judge, Amanda Bynes‘ parents’ plan was to slowly give her small amounts of money in hopes that she’d eventually hit rock-bottom and get the help she obviously needs. Except waiting games eat bushels of dick, so they’re punting the whole thing over to a mental health professional and bailing to Texas. Which is probably for the best, so I don’t know why I said all that stuff about eating dicks. Then again, I haven’t had breakfast yet. TMZ reports:
Sources familiar with the case tell TMZ … Amanda will now be under the thumb of a mental health professional who specializes in handling people with severe mental illnesses. Her parents will ask the judge to transfer conservatorship powers to that person.
We’re also told the parents have made arrangements to transfer power over financial matters to another person … presumably a money manager.
On a related note, and I can’t believe I’m writing this, but a source for Perez Hilton actually called this hours before it happened and claims that the real reason Amanda Bynes’ parents are moving to Texas is because she started making death threats. Which is usually something you don’t fuck around with when the person making them has a history of lighting propane tanks on fire by using her dog as the wick. Also it would explain these tweets: More »