Good Morning, Andrea Calle, And Other News

August 5th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- The Olsen Twins really like old dudes. [Lainey Gossip]

- Gwyneth Paltrow loves violent facials. [Dlisted]

- I suddenly want to be invaded by Norway. [theCHIVE]

- Kristen Stewart probably stole Jennifer Lawrence‘s boyfriend. [Fishwrapper]

- Beware of the No Fap diet and, yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. [The Frisky]

- There’s going to be an all-female Ghostbusters reboot now. [The Daily Banter]

- Golf has coke and slutty wives now? I’m listening. [WWTDD]

- Did Minka Kelly‘s breasts get bigger? They look like they got bigger. [Popoholic]

- Michael Johns probably didn’t die from a blood clot. [Starpulse]

- Mariah Carey apparently lets her children drink dish soap. [tooFab]

- Ryan Gosling cries after sex. [IDLYITW]

- I would punch Justin Bieber over this. Or a sandwich. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Hilary Duff is sending me an adorable message. [Celebslam]

- Hayden Panettiere pregnant in a bikini, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Splash News

We Know What You Look Like In A Bikini, Lindsay

August 4th, 2014 // 17 Comments
Exhibit Flapjacks
Lindsay Lohan Saggy Side Boob Skinny Legs Swimsuit Jetski
KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE! Read More »

Because Lindsay Lohan lives in an imaginary world where she’s a sober Oscar-winning actress and not a prostitute who files frivolous lawsuits for money on the side, why would she be aware of a worldwide information system with readily available photographs of how she really looks in a bikini? So here she is on Instagram in a darkened room pushing the defreckler filter to its limits on the off-chance someone will look at her and go, “Now there’s a beautiful woman whose price I won’t try to haggle down after wondering if emphysema is contagious on account of hearing her siren’s voice.” It’s practically foolproof.

Lindsay Lohan Bikini Instagram After The Jump

That’s Gwen Stefani’s Nipple

August 4th, 2014 // 63 Comments

While breastfeeding her son. Should I have mentioned breastfeeding her son upfront? That’s Gwen Stefani‘s nipple while breastfeeding her son. Now you sit there staring out the window thinking about how that didn’t even stop you. You barely hesitated. What are you doing with your life?

Photos: AKM-GSI

And Now It’s Time To Play ‘How Many Kardashians Did Justin Bieber Bang?’

August 4th, 2014 // 27 Comments
That Sounds About Right
Miranda Kerr Nude GQ British
Bieber Bragged About Banging Miranda Kerr Read More »

After the Orlando Bloom incident which apparently all started after Leonardo DiCaprio “flicked” Justin Bieber away, the little shit should be a social pariah for all intents and purposes. But then again, he technically still has money, so naturally the Kardashians not only talked Kanye West into convincing his lover Riccardo Tisci to invite Bieber to his party, but also convinced him to let the peach fuzz gangsta block Orlando Bloom from getting in. And all he had do was pose for some pictures then have sex with the females without wearing a condom. At least one of them should’ve been ovulating. Mama Kris beat them with a pillowcase full of doorknobs right before the party. That’s just good country medicine.

Photos: Instagram

Chloe Grace Moretz Is In A Bikini

August 4th, 2014 // 28 Comments

So remember when Chloe Grace Moretz was the adorable little girl who shot the shit out of everybody in Kick-Ass? And remember when you thought she was in Little Miss Sunshine except that’s actually Abigail Breslin and you froze in horror because how many clones has Hollywood made, and how soon before they start replacing humans? Well, here’s Chloe in a bikini because she’s the same age as Ireland Baldwin was when we started showing her swimsuit butthole. Think of it as a beautiful rite of passage. Like going to prom but without getting dry-humped in a Ford Focus your date’s mom needs for work in the morning. Clearly this is much better.

Photos: INFphoto

Megan Fox Tells Moviegoers To ‘F*ck Off’

August 4th, 2014 // 32 Comments
#NeverForget
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 9 11
When Leonardo Died On 9/11 Read More »

Back in her Transformers heyday, Megan Fox had a small problem with opening her mouth and letting words come out of it. Words like “Hitler” and, well, basically any thought in her head. But, now that she’s humbled herself and crawled back to Michael Bay, she’s been a tame, cooperative actress who isn’t already openly complaining about her scenes being cut or telling people to “fuck off” before they’ve even bought tickets to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. CinemaBlend reports:

“Let me tell you something about those people. How much money did Transformers 4 make? Exactly. Those people can complain – they all go to the theater. They’re gonna love it – and if they don’t love it, they can fuck off, and that’s the end of that.”

In Megan Fox’s defense, she does have a point, and I apologize if I just made the sun explode by agreeing with a woman. Transformers continues to make money hand over fist and each movie is a bigger, more convoluted mess than the one before it. By Transformers 8, it’ll just be Michael Bay filming silverware in a dryer while Mark Wahlberg yells some shit in the background about not jerking off or they won’t have the strength to stop robot 9/11. It’ll make $80 billion.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News

Beyonce’s Rapping About The Elevator Fight Now

August 4th, 2014 // 12 Comments
Divorce? What Divorce?
Jay Z Blue Ivy Beyonce Instagram
Only Sand Here, Mothafucka Read More »

With 800 stories breaking daily about how she’s getting a divorce, Beyonce is quickly figuring out that one Instagram pic isn’t going to put this shit to bed, so here she is letting Jay Z hump her on stage and wearing a fucking wedding dress. (Subtlety? How does it work?) On top of that, she just dropped a new remix of “Flawless” with Nicki Minaj where she shoots down rumors that the Solange elevator fight was about Jay Z banging Rihanna. It’s just billionaires be doing how they do. Via Just Jared:

We escalate, up in this bitch like elevators
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator
Of course sometimes shit go down
When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator

So when rich people get on elevators they try and slap the money out of each other? That actually makes sense. Although, personally, I like to picture international venture capitalists hanging like pinatas while well-dressed businessmen take turns with a bat until Miranda Kerr pops out. Why else be rich?

Beyonce ft. Nicki Minaj ‘Flawless (Remix)’ After The Jump

Good Morning, Alessandra Ambrosio, And Other News

August 4th, 2014 // 8 Comments

- Jimmy Fallon put balls in Julia Roberts‘ face. [Lainey Gossip]

- Cheryl Hines married a Kennedy whose rampant cheating drove his ex to suicide. Congratulations! [Dlisted]

- Monday is Future Lower Back Problems Day. [theCHIVE]

- Katy Perry wishes she was in the Illuminati. [Fishwrapper]

- Funny Girl Sex Guide: How To Watch Porn [The Frisky]

- Bella Thorne keeps it tight. [Popoholic]

- People are eating each other at Beyonce and Jay Z‘s concerts now. [Starpulse]

- Duck Tales, whoo-ooh! [tooFab]

- Goddamn Shanina Shaik in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Eva Longoria‘s in a bikini. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: DOBN/AKM-GSI