Hey, Aaron Carter, Stop Creeping Out My Girlfriend Hilary Duff

September 11th, 2014 // 22 Comments
There Is No God
Hilary Duff Legs Butt
Hilary Duff Fappening Pics Are Fake Read More »

Shortly after Hilary Duff separated from Mike Comrie, the proto-Bieber turned freakishly jacked opportunist Aaron Carter professed his undying love for his long lost ex on Twitter which she’s avoided talking about until now. And, surprise, it creeps her right the fuck out. Buzzfeed reports:

And then we asked the big question: “Aaron Carter keeps declaring his love for you, how do you feel about it?”
Hilary: (laughs) I was not expecting this question. He does, I keep seeing that, that he keeps doing that. I don’t know how I feel. I mean, that was so long ago, and obviously I’m still married, and I have a baby and we kind of just…
… Don’t know each other?
Hilary: Yeah, don’t know each other… so… yeah.
So it’s just weird.
Hilary: (laughs) You said it, not me!

She then went on to say that if some sort of “handsome blogging man” removed Aaron’s head and used it for a hood ornament, she’d see to it that this hero of legend experiences all eight levels of her vaginal wetness. Which I thought was odd for Buzzfeed to publish (It’s all right there on the page, I don’t know how you guys aren’t seeing it.) because a lot of impressionable youth read their site and that shit’s pretty graphic. Being a gatekeeper’s a serious responsibility. Anyway, I’m just going to leave this here for Hilary. She should be around any minute now: More »

Oscar Pistorius Found Not Guilty of Murder

September 11th, 2014 // 44 Comments
He's Building A Memorial?
Oscar Pistorius Reeva Steenkamp
Uh, Maybe Hold Off On This Read More »

Just in case you think America is the only country where famous athletes can basically do whatever they want to women with little to no consequence, Oscar Pistorius was just acquitted of murder of his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp after shooting her four times through a closed bathroom door on Valentine’s Day. The LA Times reports:

The judge found that some of the witnesses were confused, some were far from the Pistorius house and others failed to distinguish what they heard from what they later picked up from the media.
“Human beings are fallible,” she said in reference to the witnesses, adding that the court would rely on technology, including phone records, to establish what happened.
Masipa said the most important evidence in the trial was the testimony of Pistorius, the only surviving eyewitness. She added that it was unclear from his testimony whether he intended to fire his weapon.

Fortunately, the judge didn’t have anything to say about Oscar Pistorius’ character as a witness except, oh wait, she did and basically called him a liar: More »

Good Morning, Natalie Burn, And Other News

September 11th, 2014 // 7 Comments

- Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are being spotted in public. This shit’s happening. [Lainey Gossip]

- Since everyone enjoyed Jared Leto‘s dick so much, here’s Zac Efron‘s hairy nipples. [Dlisted]

- Redheads Are Masters of The Seductive Arts [theCHIVE]

- Melissa Rivers tells jokes, too. I had no idea. [Fishwrapper]

- But will Leighton Meester make butt videos? That’s the real question. [The Frisky]

- Kris Jenner is gender shaming Bruce Jenner‘s gender Jenner gender. [WWTDD]

- Anastasia Ashley does Maxim. Hell yes. [Popoholic]

- Dammit, Jaws died. The Bond villain, not the shark. [Starpulse]

- Sasquatch apparently raised Kendall and Kylie. This is all making sense. [tooFab]

- Nina Agdal in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Rumer Willis‘ ass cheek, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Photos: AKM-GSI

And Now The Jared Leto Dick GIF

September 10th, 2014 // 45 Comments
Jared Leto Penis

A few weeks ago, we learned that Jared Leto has a giant penis with a head shaped like a Praetorian Guard thanks to Alexis Arquette‘s remarkably accurate knowledge of Roman helmets. And now here’s a GIF of Jared Leto grabbing said Roman warrior penis from a since-deleted YouTube video of a live 30 Seconds To Mars performance because the ladies, and always welcomed cock-loving gents, who somehow keep visiting the site get the shaft 99% of the time, so for once I decided to literally give them a shaft. You can see it move and everything, so it’s like we’re finally watching the ARPANET deliver all the dreams it promised except for that one where a beautiful cyber-woman cooks a delicious digital roast. You bastards lied.

Jared Leto Dick GIF After The Jump

Miley Cyrus And The Art of Pineapple Semen

September 10th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Miley Cyrus‘ “Dirty Hippie” art show opens today, and if you have no idea what that is, congratulations, you only looked at her naked boobs in V Magazine without reading any of the words. We’re kin. Except if you do read the words like I only just now did, you’ll find out that Miley Cyrus gets high all the time and glues a bunch of random shit to other random shit which apparently makes her an artist and more than just a pop star now. Somewhere, your eighth grade teacher just shot herself. Or masturbated with a clay pot. I honestly don’t know what those people do: More »

Why Y’All Booing Justin #BBare? Dat’s Racism!

September 10th, 2014 // 44 Comments

Lemme get this all straight: Jennifer Lopez can flash her granny ass all over da stage, but da second my sexy, young boy #BBare gives y’all some dark sexual chocolate, mothafuckas be booing his ass? Dat’s some Rodney King shit right here. Next you gonna tell me my boy can’t drink from da same water fountain as you? Ride da same bus? Show white bitches his Spongebob underwear? That’s how this shit starts, son. It’s the same reason why there’s a liquor store on almost every corner of Canada. Why? They want #BBare to kill hisself.

Justin Bieber Gets Booed At Fashion Rocks After The Jump

You Kids Want Ass? Jennifer Lopez Will Give You Ass

September 10th, 2014 // 41 Comments

With Nicki Minaj cornering the ass market, it’s important to remember that it was Jennifer Lopez, not Kim Kardashian (What’s wrong with you?), who brought giant butts into the mainstream. So here she is performing at Fashion Rocks last night while flashing her 45-year-old ass or be forever banished into the wilderness in this post-Miley Cyrus Thunderdome we now live in. — I’m joking! There’s always dictators to perform for. Tons and tons of dictators. More importantly, I want to know what this guy’s job is. What’s his specific stage instructions? “Okay, beat, beat, beat, and sniffing the butt. You’re sniffing the butt. Sniff that shit like a fucking flower annnnd… jazz hands!” How do I gear my LinkedIn towards that? How do I make that happen?

Photos: Getty

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

September 10th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers

A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but she does remember a table full of lots and lots of goodies that Papa let her eat if she said her lines right. It was like being in a play everyday!
And, so, while Papa reminded Bertney about her movie, he told her some very exciting news: One of her co-stars was coming to visit!
“A co-star?” Bertney asked Papa, “Like them things you put drinks on that I always think are cookies?”
“Haha, no,” Papa said. “A co-star is like a friend who helps you make a movie.”
“A friend!” Bertney squealed. “Oh boy!” Now she was really excited. Maybe they’d play Barbie dolls together or eat great big bowls of ice creams until their bellies hurt. Bertney loved ice cream. More »