JWoww Has Birthed

July 14th, 2014 // 12 Comments

If anyone still cares about the survivors of Jersey Shore, somehow JWoww gave birth to a baby girl despite being made of enough space-age polymer to go on a moon mission. And for those of you keeping track of the apocalypse, Snooki‘s second baby should be here shortly bringing the horsemen count to three, so if you’d look out your windows, you should see crops turning to dust as famine takes hold upon the land. However, this will only affect real food, so don’t worry, you can still go to McDonald’s. Suckle cock, Revelation!

Photos: AKM-GSI, INFphoto

Tracy Morgan’s Out of The Hospital And Suing The Shit Out of Walmart

July 14th, 2014 // 16 Comments
Tracy Morgan
Stop With That Shit
Tracy Morgan
Tracy Morgan's Not Losing A Leg Read More »

You might have thought Jessica Alba‘s butt was the best news you’d see all morning, and you’re right, but this is pretty damn close: Tracy Morgan is back home after a fatal car accident that left his best friend and mentor Jimmy Mack dead. He’s also suing Walmart’s dick off for over-working their drivers which allegedly caused the crash. The New York Post reports:

In addition to claiming that Roper was exhausted when he crashed his 18-wheeler, the suit alleges he had driven more than 700 miles from his home in Jonesboro, Ga., to a Walmart distribution center in Smyrna, Del., before beginning his shift.
”Walmart was careless and negligent in the ownership and operation of its motor vehicle, which caused Mr. Morgan to suffer severe personal injuries,” the suit reads.
Roper, who was driving 65 mph in a 45 mph zone at the time of the accident, was quickly approaching the company’s limit of 14 hours on the clock, and had been driving for nine hours and 37 minutes straight, investigators concluded.

When reached for comment, Walmart said, “Tracy Morgan wants us to cough up a couple mil to himself and the family of the deceased? Boom. Done. Here’s some giant checks for everybody, and now back to making hundreds of billions of dollars by being absolutely awful. You people are like ants to us.”

Photo: Getty

Jessica Alba Bikini Photos Don’t Wait Until Morning And Other News

July 13th, 2014 // 23 Comments

- Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal drank at my old college bar. Their pee burns now. [Lainey Gossip]

- Forever 21 once fired Chrissy Teigen for being too fat. It’s what Jesus would do. [Dlisted]

- There Are Sexy Chivers Among Us [theCHIVE]

- Mila Kunis is about to drop a douche-baby any second now. [Fishwrapper]

- Veronica Chaos having sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy is why there’s an Internet. [WWTDD]

- Does “toast” mean “destroyer of server space thanks to Brazilian fat injections?” [The Frisky]

- Goddamn, Nicole Scherzinger… [Popoholic]

- Chris Brown and Drake‘s love finally cut out the middle-Rihanna. [Starpulse]

- “Channing Tatum shaved his head OMGs!” – Your noonerhole [tooFab]

- Jessica Simpson was hungover at her wedding. Of course. [IDLYITW]

- Xenia Deli in lingerie. [Hollywood Tuna]

- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]

- Karolina Kurkova is topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet, Splash News

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.18

July 12th, 2014 // 62 Comments

Welcome to a mammoth-sized installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which combines the best of this week and last for an experience that lasts way longer than me in the sack, so there’s a chance it might even give a woman an orgasm if the female orgasm was real and not something I keep buying treasure maps to find while repeatedly forgetting cartographers don’t work in crayon. Or finger paints. But enough about the past 20 years of my life, you kids have fun.

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

Kim Kardashian’s Marriage Is Already Falling Apart

July 11th, 2014 // 48 Comments
Yo Stop Raping Me!
Kanye West
Kanye Pulled A Kristen Stewart (No Vagina Licking) Read More »

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have only been married 46 days and already he hates being in the same room with her. In fact, they’ve only spent nine days together since their honeymoon where shit immediately began falling apart. Radar reports:

“Kim complained and sulked the entire time they were in Ireland on their honeymoon,” an insider revealed. “She didn’t like the cooler damp climate, and the lack of high-end designer stores. Kanye tried to arrange tours of local museums, but she wanted nothing to do with it. Only Kim would go to Ireland and be bored, and go to two separate movies in the same day in a foreign country!”

Eventually they bailed on Ireland after Kim talked Kanye into taking her to Joe Francis‘ mansion in Mexico where she spent their now second honeymoon posing for wet T-shirt pics to sell to very same people who rape her husband, so really it’s a miracle these two aren’t destined for a lifetime together: More »

Aubrey O’Day Is A Talented Performer

July 11th, 2014 // 24 Comments

Wait. Talented means having really large breasts that overshadow crazy eyes, an almost stunning lack of agility in a situation that routinely requires it, and basically everything else on a person’s entire body? Because I feel like I’m using that right. There’s just something in my gut. Or Aubrey O’Day‘s, whatever. I’m not a doctor.

Photos: Pacific Coast News

Is Your Girlfriend On ‘Glee?’ You’re Going To Die

July 11th, 2014 // 8 Comments
Becca Tobin Boyfriend Matt Bendik

Public safety > decorum. Sorry, folks, I have a responsibility. *goes back to searching for more butt-pee*

‘Glee’ Star Becca Tobin Boyfriend Found Dead in Philly Hotel – TMZ

Photo: Instagram

Selena Gomez Has No Idea What Her Nipples Are Doing Now

July 11th, 2014 // 28 Comments

When Courtney Stodden got cartoonishly bigger implants last year, she went through a short adjustment period where her old clothes didn’t exactly fit the same because physics. And now here’s recently retitted Selena Gomez not realizing she posted her own nipple slip to Instagram because her life’s following the same exact path as Courtney Stodden’s and, oh God, I just killed her, didn’t I? I fucking killed her. I’m sorry!