Courtney Stodden has been rapidly fading from relevancy yet is remarkably determined to not just throw in the towel and do porn which makes her a better person than Farrah Abraham. Then again, so is this bagel. Anyway, in a successful (because I’m a cheap clickwhore) Hail Mary pass to get back in the press, she’s announced she’s engaged to Doug Hutchison again even though they never legally dissolved their marriage in the first place. The important thing is that her mom decided the best cover story instead of admitting every single move has been a calculated business move from the start is that her daughter just wanted to get banged a lot. FOX 411 reports:
[Krista] Keller says her daughter has had time to “experience other men” during their break and she now “want[s] to be with her original choice, her husband.”
Krista added, “Now that she’s no longer interested in sex, marriage is the perfect place for Courtney to be right now. Think of it as a sanctuary. A fuckless safe haven if you will.”
Before I start, if you’re wondering why you’re looking at bikini photos of Kendall Jenner and Hailey Baldwin, this post involves both of them, so my choice of pics couldn’t be more relevant if Robin Williams was dangling in the background. (He would’ve laughed. Maybe.) Anyway, following in the footsteps of her younger, equally-as-entitled sister, Kendall apparently threw a fistful of cash at a waitress after a restaurant wouldn’t serve her 18-year-old ass alcohol and she tried to leave without paying. Page Six reports:
“Kendall got up and left and didn’t pay for all the food . . . about $60 worth, and without a tip.”
Her server, Blaine Morris (Betty Nardone on MTV’s “Skins”) ran outside to ask the celebuspawn to pay her bill.
“Kendall and Hailey started laughing,” our witness said.
“Kendall took a couple of $20 bills out of her wallet, threw them at the server and walked away, not even counting if it was enough or if it included a tip.”
In the meantime, while Kendall Jenner literally attempted to break the law, a black man was probably choked out down the street for, eh, whatever because racism is dead in America. Back me up, Missouri.
Photos: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News
The last few posts have been about suicide, child molestation and sexual assault, but since the night is always darkest just before the dawn, here are Carmen Electra‘s breasts at The Expendables 3 premiere because I’ll never forsake you. Unless it’d be really funny then I won’t even hesitate. You’ll be like “Ah, shit!”
Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News
While I try to make it a point not to write posts that give Chris Brown an erection, MMA fighter War Machine is currently on the run after allegedly beating and attempting to rape porn star Christy Mack. TMZ reports:
Porn star Christy Mack says War Machine broke up with her in May but for some reason showed up at her house at 2 AM Friday. She says he walked in, didn’t say a word but unleashed a beating on her friend.
War Machine threw the friend out of the house and then she says he allegedly made her strip and shower in front of him. Then she says the beating began … resulting in 18 broken bones around her eyes, a broken nose, missing teeth, a fractured rib and ruptured liver.
Mack says War Machine also “sawed much of my hair off with [a] dull knife.”
She says he threatened to rape her but was unable to perform.
Except if you ask War Machine this was all just a simple romantic proposal that had a little hiccup he can easily explain. After he flees the country: More »
While the rest of the world continues to mourn the tragic loss of Robin Williams, it falls on my journalistic shoulders to keep the Internet spinning by chronicling Michael Jackson‘s use of weaponized poop. I have a responsibility, dammit! The New York Post reports:
Neverland’s manicured lawns and fairy-tale facade masked a house of horrors and madness, five of Michael Jackson’s maids revealed to The Post.
“Michael sometimes ran around where the animals were, and he’d track . . . poop throughout the house and think nothing of it,” Maid No. 1 recalled. “Then, if you said something, he’d threaten to make doo-doo snowballs and throw it at you.”
However, like myself, Michael Jackson can’t be confined to just one medium and also dabbled in pee-pee. (I’m getting paid to write these words. There’s actual money in my bank account.) More »
- James Franco is a blonde douchebag now. [Lainey Gossip]
- Which apparently is how Kanye prefers Kim. Penis, too, probably. [Dlisted]
- The Minx In The Red Wet Dress is Valeria Orsini [theCHIVE]
- Selena Gomez‘s Teen Choice Awards speech was a little weird. [Fishwrapper]
- Ariana Grande‘s brother is a shitbag. [The Frisky]
- Goddamn, Genevieve Morton. [Popoholic]
- Why do Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick keep briefcases full of cash in their house? [Starpulse]
- Is Christina Aguilera looking at the baby, or her breasts that will slowly degorge? [tooFab]
- Luci Ford is still crazy hot. [Hollywood Tuna]
- A drunk, naked Michelle Rodriguez running through the mud, anyone? [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Splash News
Legendary actor/comedian Robin Williams was just found dead in his home where he reportedly committed suicide. He was 63. TMZ reports:
According to the Marin County Sheriff’s Office … authorities found William’s body inside his home. They say he was found unresponsive.
He was unconscious and not breathing and the coroner suspects suicide due to asphyxia.
Williams was last seen alive at his house at 10 PM Sunday night.
Robin went back to rehab last month to focus on his sobriety. We’re told alcohol was an issue.
One of my very first introductions to comedy was Mork & Mindy when I couldn’t have been more than three or four. I had the Mork doll in overalls where you pulled the string and it said, “Nanoo nanoo!” and would relentlessly hound my parents to watch the show at all hours of the day way before the advent of Netflix, DVRs or even VHS, so that must’ve been a real treat for them. Anyway, yes, Robin Williams went on to make some spectacularly ass movies later in life and became an almost hyperactive parody of himself, but you could always tell he was a guy struggling to stave off some seriously dark shit with spastic comedy and kept fighting the good fight all the way into his 60s.
Thanks for making a little boy laugh with your egg ship, Mork. You earned your rest.
In a world where Kim Kardashian‘s app makes $85 million and Michael Bay movies dominate the box office, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that Paris Hilton makes over six times the median yearly salary in the US in just one hour for pressing play. Page Six reports:
The 33-year-old hotel heiress has been living it up in in the Mediterranean where she’s taken up residency at Ibiza’s club Amnesia. Paris has reportedly made $2.7 million in the short span of four days on her two-month DJ tour.
“She’s making $2.7 million from the four nights – $347,000 an hour,” a source told The Sun (via AZ Central). “The crowds do seem to enjoy it but most are too off their faces to care that she’s simply pressed play on a Beyoncé megamix.”
When reached for comment, God responded: “What? I get bored giving little kids cancer. Sue me.”