I make a lot of jokes about Reese Witherspoon being pregnant and.. being pregnant. But at the end of the day, she does keep her body in amazing shape for a woman who’s had three kids. (I’m banned from Facebook, aren’t I?) Which is why it’s a shame that she’s already pregnant again. Christ, you can already see the baby stuck to her side in half these shots. That’s a pregnancy. That’s how pregnant works! I have charts, beautiful charts…
Photos: AKM-GSI, Splash News
In an open letter to TMZ, of course, Charlie Sheen accuses two of his former “goddesses” of racking up his American Express bill behind his back. Which is amazing because I could’ve sworn these porn stars were sleeping with Charlie Sheen because of his looks, charms, and manic depressive bouts of violence. But all they wanted was his money? For shame:
In fact, when we reached out to Charlie about the situation — he fired-off one of the most Sheen-ish statements of all time … telling us, “I’ve observed more nobility and honor in the drifters I’ve run over and child molesters I spit on at Pelican Bay.”
It gets worse — and far more graphic — at one point he says they’re worse than “the cancer known as Brooke [Mueller].”
The best part of this story? I absolutely believe Charlie Sheen runs over drifters before hunting down pedophiles to spit on. Because he’s really in a position to judge. “Hey. Hey, you puke stain. I look down upon you with a right and true justice, pal. On the way over, I killed a drifter with my car. You know what a drifter is? Homeless scum. I kill homeless scum. Now get over here so I can spit on you for fucking kids. That’s your punishment. HOCK-TOO. At least I have the decency to hire porn stars, the thieving cunts. Now get outta here!”
Photo: Fame/Flynet, Splash News
Here’s Rosie Huntington-Whitely leaving the British Fashion Awards last night where a random woman noticed her escaped nipple and popped it back into her blazer. A move that would get me arrested for assault, but some British chick does and it’s, “Oh, why thank you. Guards, please don’t taze her like that spindly fellow from the Internet who broke into my flat and shaved his head to look like Jason Statham. Used me best razor, he did.”
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Photos: Pacific Coast News
When we last left Stephen Hawking, he was expressing his desire that the 13th Doctor would be a lady, but alas, the world is a cruel mistress who won’t twirl his limp penis like a helicopter. He’s now moved on to more scientific pursuits like hoping people will eventually show up to his time travel party in 2009 because only a mind like Stephen Hawking’s could possibly envision luring travelers from the future to his house in the past and fucking them on top of a pile of hookers. Information that we should have never been told because there went our entire goddamn morning. You know what’s next.
Stephen Hawking Really Wants That Time Travel Party After The Jump
After making comments about Taylor Swift performing at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, model Jessica Hart found herself fired because apparently this seemed like a nicer excuse than, “Ew, you’re 27.” Page Six reports:
Asked at the afterparty at Tao if the pop star could “pull it off” as a lingerie model, Hart told WWD: “No… God bless her heart. I think she’s great… But I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”
Five days later, Hart — who, unlike Miranda Kerr and Karlie Kloss, is not one of the company’s elite “supermodels” — tried to make amends, telling Us Weekly, “I adore Taylor Swift and I was so excited to be with her at the Victoria Secret Fashion Show… She is a true rock star and she absolutely killed it the other night.”
But the damage was done. Sources say execs at Victoria’s Secret are furious.
In Jessica Hart’s defense, what the hell was Taylor Swift doing there in the first place? Yes, she has an attractively thin body, but she’s also catty as shit and doesn’t put out. Because here’s what’s not happening when men go out shopping for lingerie: “Excuse me, which ones are endorsed by prudes with tight bodies who’ll sing songs about your penis after you break up with them?” Okay, one time I did that, but you get my point.
Photos: Getty, Splash News, WENN
Despite a busy schedule of taking selfies of her vadge, Lindsay Lohan somehow found time to threaten to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for allegedly using her likeness without permission. A claim that makes no fucking sense to anyone who’s played the game. TMZ reports:
So the question … did ‘GTAV’ really use Lindsay. Here’s the evidence:
— The video game cover shows a woman holding a cellphone who looks Lindsay-ish. There’s been debate over whether it looks more like Kate Upton or Shelby Welinder.
— Part of the game features a mission where a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi.
— Another part of the game shows another Lindsay-like character at a hotel resembling the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood — a place Lindsay not only frequents but once lived at — and the mission is to photograph her having sex on camera.
Let me just shoot all this shit down: More »