Selena Gomez’s Breasts Wore This

November 10th, 2014 // 16 Comments

There’ve been enough awful posts over the past two weeks that everyone should know how this works: I write about something terrible like child abuse, and then follow it up with pictures of sexually attractive celebrities so everyone’s distracted with an erection and/or how simple and disgusting men are. It’s fucking crazy effective. On that note, here’s Selena Gomez at a benefit for victims of sex trafficking, so it’s completely appropriate that I’m talking about how great her breasts look. It’d be rude not to.

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Photos: INFphoto, MPNC / STMX / The Grosby Group / AKM-GSI, Splash News

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

November 10th, 2014 // 6 Comments
Adrian Peterson Super Dad
That Was Just One Kid
Adrian Peterson Michael Vick
Adrian Peterson Has 100 More That He Beats Read More »

The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves and struck the child repeatedly. The beating allegedly resulted in numerous injuries to the child, including cuts and bruises to the child’s back, buttocks, ankles, legs and scrotum, along with defensive wounds to the child’s hands. Peterson then texted the boy’s mother, saying that one wound in particular would make her “mad at me about his leg. I got kinda good wit the tail end of the switch.” Peterson also allegedly said via text message to the child’s mother that he “felt bad after the fact when I notice the switch was wrapping around hitting I (sic) thigh” and also acknowledged the injury to the child’s scrotum in a text message, saying, “Got him in nuts once I noticed. But I felt so bad, n I’m all tearing that butt up when needed! I start putting them in timeout. N save the whooping for needed memories!”

SUPER DAD!

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Photo: Twitter via TMZ

Chelsea Handler’s Topless Again

November 10th, 2014 // 27 Comments

Because your god is dead, Chelsea Handler is continuing her topless assault on social media and subjecting everyone to her naked breasts on Twitter:

Exercising my human right to work side by side with my fellow man. #amazon #freethenipple

Keep in mind, Chelsea Handler was enjoying a luxury vacation on the Amazon where people lack basic food and medicine, yet felt the need to complain that when you take a digital photograph of her topless breasts with a smartphone connected to a global communication system, she’s not greeted with a ticker tape parade and the key to the city. Meanwhile, a child probably died ten yards away, but did he tweet #freethenipple? Then fuck him.

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Photo: Twitter

Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn? Jared Leto’s The Joker? WTF’s Happening?

November 10th, 2014 // 17 Comments
Previously In Dc Movies
Jena Malone Red Hair
Girl Robin! (They're Trying. They're Really Trying.) Read More »

Over the weekend, news broke that Jared Leto is in talks to play The Joker in Suicide Squad because Warner Bros. is clearly in the business of going, “You already did what on Arrow? Fuck you.” (See, also: Ezra Miller, The Flash) And now Collider is reporting that the insanely hot Margot Robbie is Harley Quinn, so this is an exciting time for DC Comic fans who are tired of seeing Marvel steamroll over them with incredible blockbuster after incredible blockbuster because now they’ve got a Joker with a giant Praetorian Guard penis. This is where it all changes. Or gets very awkward to let children watch.

“Daddy, why’s that lady using the clown-man’s pee-pee for a hammer?”
“Uhh… Let’s go watch the raccoon shoot people.”

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Photo: Warner Bros.

Good Morning, Alessandra Ambrosio, And Other News

November 10th, 2014 // 12 Comments

- Charlie Hunnam‘s odds for being PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive. [Lainey Gossip]

- Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs were seen in public. I’m so sorry, people still into Twilight. [Dlisted]

- Megan Fox in lingerie covered with blood, anyone? [Fishwrapper]

- Girls With Future Lower Back Problems [theCHIVE]

- Cara Delevingne‘s dating a dude now. [The Frisky]

- Sara Malakul Lane is topless. [WWTDD]

- George Takei endorsed Hilary Clinton already, so that locks down the meme vote. [Death and Taxes]

- Jessica Alba is cleavagey. [Popoholic]

- Jessica Lowndes: Her 21 Sexiest Photos For Her 25th Birthday [COED]

- Kat Torres is in a bikini again. [Hollywood Tuna]

- Your Hpynotic Ass GIF of the Day [Girls In Cute Underwear]

- Pregnant Hayden Panettiere bikini something lesbian porn. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.29

November 8th, 2014 // 30 Comments

And The Most Important People on The Internet is back. So how’s everybody doing? How’s your weekend going so far? Maybe doing a little Christmas shopping? Well, fuck all that, because you’re sitting in front of your computer and reading horrible-ass shit about celebrities. You’re a grown up and no one can tell you how to live your life. Take it from me. – *sips coffee from Batman mug, looks around empty room, so, so empty* – You made the right choice. Now who wants to press their hands against the monitor totally for goofs and not for a desperate shot at human contact? Haha! Who even does that? (Please.)

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Jerry Seinfeld Thinks He Has Autism

November 7th, 2014 // 22 Comments
Jerry Seinfeld

In an interview with NBC Nightly News last night, Jerry Seinfeld told Brian Williams he “believes” he has autism which naturally made the whole Internet gasp because somehow this is Jenny McCarthy‘s fault. It has to be:

“I think on a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum,” said Seinfeld. “Basic social engagement is really a struggle. I’m very literal, when people talk to me and they use expressions, sometimes I don’t know what they’re saying. But I don’t see it as– as dysfunctional. I just think of it as an alternate mindset.”

Of course, Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t actually seen a doctor or been diagnosed with autism, but I’m sure he took that into consideration before launching 18,000 mommy blogs about what it’s really like to live with someone who has autism that I’ll now have to see all over Facebook when I’m trying to judge people from high school or make clever observations about how much I love burritos. My time is a precious gift.

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Photo: NBC Nightly News

Heidi Montag: ‘Amanda Bynes Can Live With Me!’

November 7th, 2014 // 25 Comments

After TMZ posted photos of Amanda Bynes sleeping inside a mall because she’s essentially homeless now, Heidi Montag has graciously shoved her breasts into the press again and offered Amanda a place to stay. But if Heidi somehow thinks that’s going to make the Internet start posting photos of her giant fake breasts again, she’s surprisingly way smarter than I thought she was because I couldn’t put these up fast enough. Are people getting brain implants now? Is that a thing? I’m not going to be able to sleep until I figure this out.

Photos: Pacific Coast News