- What does Leonardo DiCaprio look for in a girlfriend? I’m guessing a vagina? [Lainey Gossip]
- Katy Perry‘s getting booed by the paparazzi now. [Dlisted]
- Sunday Is A Good Day For Lingerie [theCHIVE]
- WTF is happening to Kim Kardashian‘s face? [Fishwrapper]
- Farrah Abraham‘s mom somehow managed to make Farrah look sympathetic for one minute. [The Frisky]
- “When I hide my boner, I use Calvin Klein.” – Fergie [tooFab]
- NBC is bringing back Heroes for some reason. [BuzzFeed]
- Selena Gomez looks hot in just about anything. [Popoholic]
- A Moment With Anastasia Ashley [IDLYITW]
- Good goddamn, Samantha Hoopes… [Hollywood Tuna]
- The Sexiest Social Media Pics of The Week [Celebslam]
- Ariana Grande posing for V looks like a joybook. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Photos: Splash News
There’s been a lot of talk about Ragnarok lately, so let’s just go ahead and file this under that. There’s no way it’s not related. Page Six reports:
Snooki is secretly expecting her second child with fiancé Jionni LaValle, sources exclusively tell Page Six.
The “Jersey Shore” star is a few months pregnant but keeping it secret as she continues to make lucrative personal appearances.
In fairness to Snooki’s fiance, once you’ve housebroken an Ewok, it’s almost impossible not to fuck it 24/7. Back me up, Threepio: “The odds of successfully not impregnating a shit-midget are approximately 3,720 to 1.” See? Now, never tell me the odds.
Photos: Splash News
Welcome to another installment of The Most Important People on The Internet our weekly showcase of the ridiculous shit you people say in the comments. We’ve got a short one today, but it’s still packed with everything you’ve come to expect: David Hasselhoff, an Anchorman quote that will seem really, really racist if you don’t know that’s where it’s from, and jokes about the Catholic Church being a boy-fucking bonanza. Never change.
- The Superficial
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Welcome to Friday’s The Crap We Missed, where I’m back in my usual co-pilot seat navigating you straight through all random butts and Lamar Odom-jerking-off-during-a-physicals that I couldn’t get to yesterday. I’ve also got Hayden Panettiere with a two year-old who’s already more than half her size, Robert Pattinson who to this day can’t get in a car without having a seizure, and Jamie Foxx with two nice young ladies he’s probably just giving career counseling.
“Don’t worry. As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88 miles per ho– *looks up* You know what? It’s probably better that we don’t get involved…”
- Photo Boy
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Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
If you’re like me, you saw pictures of Miley Cyrus pretending to blow Bill Clinton during her Bangerz tour and thought, “Well, that doesn’t seem fair to the other presidents.” Except here she is sucking off Abe Lincoln because apparently she wasn’t lying when she said this thing would be educational. So not only do we owe Miley an apology, but I’ve already started handing out pics outside of elementary schools. Which has gone over so well that sometimes the police even show up to pat me on the back. Although mostly they just touch my legs, crotch and chest. Just hug me, guys. Don’t be shy about it.
Photos: INFphoto, Pacific Coast News
Photo Boy doesn’t do nerd shit, so here’s a chance for everyone to go dick-nuts over Michael B. Jordan being cast as the new Human Torch in the Fantastic Four reboot yesterday. A decision I’m naturally fine with because a. WALLACE FROM THE WIRE WHY DO I NEED TO SAY MORE? and b. I grasp the simple concept that most comic book characters were created during the 50s and 60s when they had to be white because America was even more racist than it is now which is why white people speak of that time with such fondness and would time-travel us all back there if they weren’t predominantly religious and afraid of science. That said, I’m also on board with the Comics Alliance post linked below which asks a buttload of great questions like why Michael B. Jordan has to be Johnny Storm and not say Reed Richards. So here’s that for your perusal:
Fox’s Fantastic Four Reboot: What The FF? – Comics Alliance
And here’s Maria Menounos‘ spectacular ass in case you couldn’t give less fucks about any of this:
Sometime around April of last year, Christina Aguilera got crazy skinny after looking perpetually pregnant for most of 2012 and almost ruining The Voice in the process. Except, good news, she is pregnant now presumably because no one gave a shit about her engagement announcement last week. People reports:
A week after announcing that boyfriend Matt Rutler had proposed, the singer has more happy news to celebrate.
Aguilera, 33, and Rutler, 29, a film producer, are set to welcome their first child together, PEOPLE confirms.
This will be Christina’s second child, although technically her first non-half-mole-half-human abomination hellbent on conquering the surface world. They say his first targets will be world leaders that have looked at mommy’s boobies, so have fun with that in 2016, Hillary. You think just because you’re a woman you can stare at tits whenever you want. WELL YOU’RE WRONG.