And this world has nothing more to offer me. We’re good here. Robin Williams, wait up!
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I know very little about Ariana Grande except that she was on a Nickelodeon show with Jennette McCurdy before Jennette McCurdy’s sexy photos got everyone fired. But apparently Ariana is some sort of singer who now makes music videos where rockets shoot out of her tits whenever she’s not giving laser BJs or singing to penis-nosed aliens. Whatever get kids interested in space, I guess.
Ariana Grande ‘Break Free ft. Zedd’ After The Jump
Yesterday, we learned about War Machine‘s romantic proposal to Christy Mack that somehow ended in him “allegedly” breaking 18 bones in her eye and rupturing her liver before attempting to rape her then cutting her hair with a dull knife when his dick wouldn’t work. It was the strangest thing, and he honestly has no idea how it happened. But if he had to take a guess, it’s probably because she was on her period. The important thing is he’s about to become an episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter who apparently knows exactly where the shithead is, but is readying his film crew and giving exclusive interviews to MMA Mania first instead of, oh I dunno, calling the police:
What do you say to those who might be harboring him?
He’s got a lot of friends. So what you are going to see soon through social media — this is a social media kind of hunt, you don’t go to 7-Eleven and pass out mugshots on this one. This one we have to cover everything … and social media does that. So, pretty soon on social media some of his best friends, relatives and people close to him are going to start telling him to call Dog because this is it. And, hopefully, he doesn’t want to do suicide by cop — he’s very depressed. Very soon you are going to see pleas for him to come in because we are going to catch him — we are very close to him right now. We just have to handle it right because we don’t want anyone killed.
And if you’re thinking to yourself, wait a minute, Dog doesn’t carry guns, you’re right. So that was kind of an odd statement. But what does he carry is enough bean bag guns and TASERs to take down a rhinoceros which I’ll just assume are tested in the bedroom. *tips hat* Ms. Chapman. More »
Billy Ray Cyrus shooting heroin into Jesus difficulties.
So here’s our day so far: First, we couldn’t, and still can’t, access one of our largest photo agencies that’s having technical issues of its own. Then, our server decided to epically shit the bed for at least the past two hours and is slowly coming back to life in fits and spurts. So if you’re somehow reading this on The Internet right now, know that I fucking Matrix’d it up there with my mind then had a giant sex orgy with your mom below the earth’s crust. My work is a delicate process.
Photo: Art For God via Cracked
Over the past few months, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian have been robbed three times – the latest happening just a few days ago – and now all three sisters are refusing to film the upcoming season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians because they think the crew is doing it. TMZ reports:
Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are REFUSING to film season 10 of their reality show … unless the person stealing their money and jewelry is caught.
Family sources tell us … the girls are convinced whoever has stolen 10s of thousands of dollars from them works for the TV show.
All 3 thefts — $4K taken from Kourtney’s Hampton’s rental, $50K stolen from Kourtney’s Calabasas home and $250K in jewelry taken from Khloe’s house — appear to be inside jobs, with no signs of forced entry.
While my initial reaction was to suggest somebody kidnap North West effectively ending the show forever, I realized it has to be something Kim Kardashian actually cares about, so stick with cash. Cash is good. Cash and jewelry. She’ll notice that’s missing.
Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, Vantagenews / Wagner Az / AKM-GSI
- Rest In Peace, Lauren Bacall. [Dlisted]
- Ashton Kutcher‘s website is apparently run by plagiarists. [Lainey Gossip]
- And now 64 pics of Ronda Rousey. [theCHIVE]
- Norm MacDonald has an awesome Robin Williams story. [Fishwrapper]
- Keeping Up With The Kardashians with no Kardashians and only Bruce is amazing. [The Frisky]
- Alessandra Ambrosio‘s in a bikini. [WWTDD]
- Amanda Seyfried gets cleavagey for Ted 2. [Popoholic]
- Ariana Grande is banging Big Sean right now. [Starpulse]
- Frances Bean reaches out to Zelda Williams. [tooFab]
- The Super Bowl Halftime Show is going to be especially boring next year. [IDLYITW]
- What’s up, April Cheryse? [Hollywood Tuna]
- Goddammit, who let Tara Reid near Instagram? [Celebslam]
- I don’t know who Sarina is, but she’s topless. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
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Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict whose dick doesn’t work, so when it comes to finding a pillar of moral virility and strength in this time of limp-wristed liberals hanging themselves from “depression” – Quotation markets dedicated to Matt Walsh, pedantic felcher. – look no further than radio’s own masculine Boss Hog and resident psychiatrist. Mediaite reports: More »
Courtney Stodden has been rapidly fading from relevancy yet is remarkably determined to not just throw in the towel and do porn which makes her a better person than Farrah Abraham. Then again, so is this bagel. Anyway, in a successful (because I’m a cheap clickwhore) Hail Mary pass to get back in the press, she’s announced she’s engaged to Doug Hutchison again even though they never legally dissolved their marriage in the first place. The important thing is that her mom decided the best cover story instead of admitting every single move has been a calculated business move from the start is that her daughter just wanted to get banged a lot. FOX 411 reports:
[Krista] Keller says her daughter has had time to “experience other men” during their break and she now “want[s] to be with her original choice, her husband.”
Krista added, “Now that she’s no longer interested in sex, marriage is the perfect place for Courtney to be right now. Think of it as a sanctuary. A fuckless safe haven if you will.”