Chris Martin Cheated On Gwyneth Paltrow With A Lowly Commoner

April 7th, 2014 // 8 Comments
This Makes More Sense
Gwyneth Paltrow Nipples
Conscious Uncoupling Is A Clever Ruse Read More »

While Gwyneth Paltrow had the quiet poise and sophistication to conduct her affairs with captains of industry, Chris Martin has reportedly debased himself by sleeping with a common peasant. Page Six reports:

NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live“ in 2011 with Coldplay. Martin also made an appearance on “Weekend Update” with Fred Armisen and Kristin Wiig as Garth & Kat.
One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, “He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties.”

An assistant? Ewwww. I bet she has scurvy. Which probably explains why Gwyneth Paltrow’s rep threw Chris Martin right under the mass transit contraption where he belongs: More »

Jon Hamm’s Penis Lost A Dating Show? Impossible

April 7th, 2014 // 13 Comments
Jon Hamm Dating Show
WATCH: Jon Hamm - 'The Big Date' (1996)
The New Doctor Strange?
Jon Hamm Penis Fedora Mad Men Set
He Does Have A One-Eyed Artifact of Power Read More »

While Photo Boy and I were being intrepid online editors who took Friday off to watch Captain America and eat burritos, a 1996 episode of The Big Date went viral thanks to 25-year-old contestant Jon Hamm who somehow lost despite possessing the mythical hammer Hammbonejnir. Even more ridiculous, TMZ actually told the woman about the Hammaconda over the weekend, and she said she’d do it all over again because she’s a giant lesbian. You can’t see it in the video, but there’s a Subaru parked in her driveway. That’s how quintessentially lesbian she is. Ask her if she likes hiking. Go on, I dare you.

Good Morning, Julia Pereira, And Other News

April 7th, 2014 // 13 Comments

- Johnny Depp is getting really fucking annoying. [Lainey Gossip]

- Naomi Campbell is throwing phones at Michael Fassbender‘s penis now. [Dlisted]

- Please, nobody tell these girls how their clothes are supposed to work. [theCHIVE]

- A Cameron Diaz and her pubes shall not be separated. [Fishwrapper]

- Demi Lovato Made Naked Pictures [The Superficial]

- Jennifer Lopez‘s ass has still got it. [Popoholic]

- Funny Girl Sex Guide: Bad Sex Etiquette [The Frisky]

- Richard Donner is talking about a Goonies sequel again. [tooFab]

- Hey, bigots, guess what? You’re losing. [IDLYITW]

- What’s up, Bryana Holly? [Hollywood Tuna]

- Goddamn, I Need A Nerd-Cigarette: A Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ [The Superficial]

- Kaley Cuoco really loves her implants, so just assume she tried to marry them. [Celebslam]

- Heaven Is For Real advertises group tickets in its TV spots. That’s all you need to know. [FilmDrunk]

- Keri Russell‘s sex scenes in The Americans look like this. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: FameFlynet

Demi Lovato Made Naked Pictures

April 6th, 2014 // 45 Comments

Like my contemporaries God and his hippie bastard of a son, I don’t work on Sundays. Except today’s a special Sunday because Demi Lovato‘s naked pictures just leaked and I’ll be horse-damned if I’m going to renege on my sacred journalistic oath to put boobies on the Internet. Also, if I’m being frank, this is how I show love. This is how I show my love. Let’s get an apartment.

THE SUPERFICIAL | AboutFacebookTwitter

The Most Important People on The Internet:
Volume 4.12

April 5th, 2014 // 23 Comments

Welcome to this week’s installment of The Most Important People on The Internet which you’re surprisingly still getting after I wrote a giant nerd novel about Captain America: The Winter Soldier for I am a kind and benevolent blogger of celebrity boobs with a splash of Commie pinko talking points. And we’ve even got a special comment below thanks to USDA Prime McBeef’s epic table of contents for Farrah Abraham‘s “In The Making”, part one of her Celebrity Sex Tape trilogy because Hitler and Christians were right. We need to burn books. Books have gone bad. I’ll get the lighter fluid.

Farrah Abraham ‘In The Making’ Table of Contents After The Jump

Goddamn, I Need A Nerd-Cigarette: A Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’

April 4th, 2014 // 21 Comments
Captain America The Winter Soldier

For the past few weeks, the advance word on Captain America: The Winter Soldier is that it’s as good as The Avengers if not the best Marvel movie to date. It even made curmudgeony ol’ fusspot Jeff Wells‘ heart grow three sizes as it should have because the hype is real. Winter Soldier is the best Marvel movie to date that smacks you around like a vibranium shield to the dick. Which sounds more painful than pleasurable, but shh, shh, that’s in the past now. It’s in the past.

The Superficial Review of ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ After The Jump

We Went To The Movies And All You Got Are These Jennifer Metcalfe Bikini Photos

April 4th, 2014 // 46 Comments

Alright, folks, apparently the summer blockbuster season starts the first weekend of April now, so by the time you’re reading this Photo Boy and I are on our way to see Captain America: The Winter Soldier where there will be no hand holding or butterfly kisses. I don’t care what that hobo we paid to film us says. He’s a drunk. So while we do that, and you wait with bated breath for my review later today, here’s whoever the hell Jennifer Metcalfe is. (The bikini pickins were slim. Sue me.) And if that does nothing for you, below is Conan O’Brien giving Jordan Schlansky a cowboy makeover which should immediately send you plummeting down a YouTube hole to find more of him because my God:

Conan Gives Jordan Schlansky A Cowboy Makeover After The Jump